Sexual Health (young people)
What sex feels like in your body and your head
Sex and sexuality could be described as a 'learning curve'. So what is considered important at 15 or 16 may not be seen as important to people in their twenties. People we interviewed in their late teens and twenties usually felt that their behaviour, views and attitudes about sex and relationships had changed a lot during the last few years.
Many of those we talked to said that one-night stands or casual sex are 'just sex', or 'raw sex', even a selfish act. They thought that knowing the other person and what each other likes makes sex in a long-term relationship different to a 'one night stand'.
Some of those we interviewed thought that men find casual sex easier and more satisfying, but not all the men we spoke to agreed.
Thinks that a one night stand is a selfish act that people do to compensate lack of affection. ...
Thinks that a one night stand is a selfish act that people do to compensate lack of affection. ...
When it's just for one night you're doing always the same, and you don't share anything, so in fact you, you are a bit selfish. You don't really care of what you are doing, it's 'yeah, you don't get anything after, you don't learn anything. That's it, but with a long-term relation you want to give pleasure to your partner and it means that you've got another behaviour, and you will listen what he will like to have and, I mean, you expect the same from him, he will listen what, what will make you happy, and it makes such, much more and it makes that after it's much better as well, because it's not the same.
Yeah, it's not the same at all. I found that for one night, yeah, you are a bit selfish and in fact you don't really have pleasure as much as you can have with a long-term relation. That's my opinion.
Yeah, that's it, I mean you compensate the lack of affection by sex. I mean I think sex and affection are together but in that case, it's not really, not affection, it's only sex. You can't, you can't get confused with this, it's only sex, it's not affection. I mean, okay, you've got a nice partner, it's not like it's something violent or something, no, it's alright, but what I mean is after the feeling I'm not there, so it's not really affection, it's not really love. It's nothing special, it's just sex, but sex, like really the raw way of sex, like, I don't know, it's my'.
Compares sex within a relationship to sex in one night stands or casual sex.
Compares sex within a relationship to sex in one night stands or casual sex.
But with a relationship it's completely different, there's a lot more time involved, it's very loving, it's very emotional. You don't look at it like 'yes, I'm going to have sex now' it's kind just pleasing each other, it's nice, it's comfortable. You're together, you fall asleep together, it's much nicer and it's completely different.
It doesn't even seem like the same thing. Sex in a relationship and sex on a one-night stand; it isn't the same at all, it's completely different.
And physically, there is a difference between the two?
Oh yes. A one-night stand you don't know each other. You don't know what each other likes and after a few drinks you don't care. But in a long-term relationship it's very different. You get to know each other a bit more intimately and you're a lot more open with each other and what you like and what you don't like. And you're just there to sort of please the other person so it's very different. It's much more satisfying in a relationship than it is on a one-night stand.
Thinks that for men casual sex is easier.
Thinks that for men casual sex is easier.
I think, to men it's easy. Men always get off and enjoy it, no matter what, because, at the end of the day, it's not hard for men to have orgasms. Whereas women, if you have ' you know, you need to ' you know, a bloke needs to practice and learn how to do it for you.
So if you only sleep with him once, he's not going to do it for you, so ' obviously, if you're going to have sex in a long-term relationship, then it gets better over time, and ' because he gets to know what he's doing more, and you get to know each other and because... actually, it was one of the things my boyfriend said, was ' I was like, you know, 'Are your all orgasms the same?' And he was like, 'No, of course they're not'.
You know, 'being with a woman who learns how to ' how to touch you, and how to hold you, they get better'. So, obviously, if you're in a long-time relationship, they're going to get better up to a point, and then, obviously, as it tails off, the relationship tails off anyway, so '
Finds that it is not easy to have sex with someone who does not know anything about you.
Finds that it is not easy to have sex with someone who does not know anything about you.
It's not easier to do it with someone that you don't know 'cos they wouldn't know what you're all about. You want someone to kind of know a little about you, and if you go to a nightclub and you meet someone there, you're not going to talk to them about touchy feely stuff, you're going to, you know, talk about, you know, the fast cars that you drive and, you know, the work that you do and, you know, the people that you hang about with. Nothing too major, just minor stuff that, you know, just doesn't really, you know, the next person can know about you from someone else.
Some of the people we spoke to said that one night stands or casual sex are without emotional involvement. Sex might be more passionate than in a longstanding relationship, but the passion tends to wear off rather quickly.
A gay man compares the emotional and physical differences of casual sex and sex in a relationship.
A gay man compares the emotional and physical differences of casual sex and sex in a relationship.
At the physical level for me, you might, I think you're under a lot more pressure in a one night stand in the sense that you don't know the other person, you don't know what they want necessarily, you're trying obviously to satisfy that person and they're trying to satisfy you.
In your opinion, what are the good things you associate with relationships and sexual activity?
Good things with relationships, that one is an easy one for me. I think companionship, being able to have a good time, enjoy yourself, have some common interests but not all of them. Be able to enjoy each other's company on a number of different levels but certainly physically as well as you know, the comforts, knowing that there's somebody there, someone to talk to, somebody to share things with, the good times and the bad times, to be a shoulder for them to cry on and the other way round too.
Thinks that in casual sex there is no emotional involvement and that she is more prepared to do...
Thinks that in casual sex there is no emotional involvement and that she is more prepared to do...
Thinks that casual sex has no emotional level.
Thinks that casual sex has no emotional level.
Whereas having sex with a bloke you hardly know, on a one-night stand, you're not likely to have eye contact, because there's no emotional level to it, and then you wake up in the morning just feeling ' eeeeer.
Thinks that casual sex is more passionate and that a long term relationship is a very emotional...
Thinks that casual sex is more passionate and that a long term relationship is a very emotional...
If you are in a casual relationship that goes on for you know for however long, it does tend to burn out very very quickly whereas if you're in a more serious relationship it will be a lot softer, a lot more slow, you'll get to know their body and what they like and it doesn't burn out so quickly.
Now the same question but differences at the emotional level.
Differences at the emotional level... Long term relationships for me have been very emotional, I get emotionally attached very easily, I think that's probably why I like the casual relationships because I don't get emotional at all. It's about the physical side of things and nothing else. Whereas the long term relationships they're more emotional, you think about them more and you want it to work and you want it to feel right, but yeah, casual relationships for me are just a lot easier because I get so emotionally attached and I don't have to deal with that side of things if I am in a casual relationship.
Many of those we talked to preferred sex in a stable relationship, believing they have more emotional and physical satisfaction. And people had strong views on being faithful (i.e. not having sex with other people). Open relationships may suit some people, but many felt 'cheating' was a waste of time and could make them feel guilty.
Thinks that sex in a long term relationship is more enjoyable.
Thinks that sex in a long term relationship is more enjoyable.
Well alright one night stands, nah because I mean when you're in a stable relationship you have, you know what I mean, you enjoy it because of your partner, these people it's just done there's no feelings involved or nothing like that, it's just, it's almost like a hobby or a job you know we don't, it's nothing.
So I mean when you're in a relationship and you feel for this person you enjoy it, that's the point you know. So I mean you're satisfied with your partner, you're satisfied with your partner you ain't going to look elsewhere you know. If you're not satisfied with your partner then obviously you're going to look elsewhere you know it's all about being upfront and honest you know I'm cool with my partner, there's no problem.
But I mean the difference in a stable relationship you enjoy it, you now what I mean you're comfortable, you feel nice but with these one night stands there's just nothing involved in it. So that's why it's a one night stand and you can just do whatever, you have sex and then tomorrow you don't want to call back the person or they might do it to you, vice versa, you never know because there's just nothing involved in it.
So practically, realistically you don't really like them and they don't really like you so you know.
It's a physical thing then?
It's physical, so I mean, that's it.
Recognises that sex in a relationship implies a sense of vulnerability. (Actor)
Recognises that sex in a relationship implies a sense of vulnerability. (Actor)
Okay how important do you see sex to a relationship?
I think it's really important. As I said before you know it's a way of being intimate and showing that you know and care for that person. You know you're getting so vulnerable to let, you're in that state and you know you want to pleasure them, they want to pleasure you, it's a nice feeling.
I think a lot of that tends to be missed when you come to one night stands, there's not, there's not that feeling about, it's just the urgency to get what you want and then leave.
Says that he was unfaithful to his girlfriend but admits that he has learned from his experience.
Says that he was unfaithful to his girlfriend but admits that he has learned from his experience.
Very. I kind of cheated on my ex twice and she found out about one of them which did make life very, very difficult. I think, what I thought the first time would, would make me realise, you know, it'd be a learning thing but the second time just happened when I went away on a, on a residential with, with a group of friends.
But it does make you, you know, after all of it, it does make you value what you have and it does make you realise that, you know, you want to be in the relationship. And you wouldn't want it, you wouldn't like it if the person you were seeing did the same to you. So I suppose faithfulness is quite important.
People we spoke to thought it was important to be faithful, even those we talked to who admitted that they were 'not very good' at it! Some people we spoke to thought honesty was more important so that if a partner was sleeping with someone else they could at least protect themselves from STIs.
Thinks that honesty between partners is more important than faithfulness per se.
Thinks that honesty between partners is more important than faithfulness per se.
That depends on the relationship. What I said to my husband when I met him, I said, 'If you were ever in a position where you need to go out and, or you feel you, you feel you want to be unfaithful and, you know, the sex isn't great between us or, you know, something happens, tell me'.
I said, 'don't do it behind my back. If you do it behind my back that will hurt me very, very much'. 'If that's the case, tell me and we can decide, OK we're going to take a break. And, you know, you go off, you, you be with other people and then we can see where we're, we're going'. But I said, 'Don't do it behind my back'. So I think, yeah, honesty is a big thing, not necessarily faithfulness.
Sexual satisfaction is clearly important to most young people but not everyone we interviewed thought it the most important thing in a stable relationship. They said that a combination of good communication, affection, honesty and trust is what makes a relationship, and sex, special.
Thinks that communication and understanding are important elements for a good relationship.
Thinks that communication and understanding are important elements for a good relationship.
It is because I mean it don't make sense, you're going to be in a relationship and you're not faithful, because you're going to waste your time, you're wasting your energy, you're wasting yourself. I mean if you really like a person and you're going to be, you have to be faithful because it's going to cost you time and money and etc etc.
No point you kidding yourself and blaming yourself, you're playing with their feelings and you're playing with yourself. I can't really see how am I going to be with my girl. I'm spending money taking her to the cinema or etc, or she's spending money vice versa, it's gong to be a waste of time and a waste of money when rather I can hold my money and go to hotels and see how many women or whatever.
So realistically, faithfulness is really the key to a relationship but it's more communication and understanding is really the key in a relationship, then everything will all come in a relationship, love, trust etc etc. Understanding and communication, if you don't communicate with your partner then they're going to start thinking is he or is she cheating or you know, if you're not understanding them you know you're not going to really... if they've got some problems they want to talk to you or they don't like certain things what's going on in the relationship like your friends come round too much, they keep interfering in the relationship.
So you've got to have understanding, they'll say "Oh quiet, you're talking rubbish" and then it's going to cause more arguments and friction. So I mean realistically communicating and understanding will make everything come within the relationship faithfulness, love, happiness etc.
Talks about why he considers his present relationship as important. (Actor)
Talks about why he considers his present relationship as important. (Actor)
I think to start with as a teenager, it's very much sort of, 'Oh she's nice, she's a bit of all right', that sort of thing it's very much based around that sort of physical lines. I don't think that goes away as you get into early adulthood. Because I think you know, everyone likes people who are good looking. But I think that you do have the sort of ability and desire to have a relationship on more levels than that.
So I think things like spending time with someone, or having sort of common interests become a bit more important so' You've always got your friends but I think as you grow up into adulthood, you can combine sort of friend with girlfriend a bit better.
Well first of all I'd say that I'm, I'm in a relationship at the moment which is really good with my girlfriend and we're very happy and we support each other. I mean, I'm not saying that my life as a student is particularly stressful'but there are sort of difficult times both in my life and my girlfriends life and I think we are able to help each other in those sort of emotionally, and also just practically in terms of' It's always useful to be able to share a problem.
So there's that and then I think also there's the, the physical side to the relationship which is obviously good fun and is something which we enjoy and is important in the relationship, and then there's the companionship side, it's nice to have someone who you can talk to about anything and sort of spend time with, without really ever getting annoyed with them.
And again I know you've got your friends but at times it can get just a bit much just with friends. Whereby, I guess its nice just to have someone who you can be with, without really having to make that effort to socialise, I think that's sort of what I'm trying to say.
Some people we talked to didn't believe in sex before marriage, and felt that sex is something special to be shared between two people who are committed to one another.
Explains her reasons for not agreeing with sex before marriage. (Actor)
Explains her reasons for not agreeing with sex before marriage. (Actor)
Yeah, because obviously the Christian text is the bible, in the bible it typically states that you know sex before marriage is a no no, there are very good reasons for that. A lot of people do say to me, 'this is the 21st century, what's wrong with having sex', my response to that is god made or created sex not just for enjoyment but he taught that it's sacred, it's special and it's something two people who are committed to each other can enjoy.
I think that commitment can only come in the bounds of marriage, in the bible' I mean if sex happens outside marriage then lots of problems can come up, you know I'm not saying just because some people do have sex before marriage things will go wrong, I mean a lot of people have very good relationships and things like that, with sex before marriage.
You know, for instance what if they have a child out of wedlock, I mean it's a very old fashioned way of thinking but affection and sex means a lot to me in a relationship and well I'm just really quite wary of things like that.
Last reviewed January 2016.
Last updated August 2012.
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