Interview 37

Age at interview: 23

Brief Outline: He says he has no problem with using condoms and strongly advises other young men to use them.

Background: He is a father of two who is in full-time work and his partner has recently finished studying. He describes himself of mixed black ethnicity.

Explains the ways in which he helps with household chores.

I can't really tell you it's just natural to me, like I says the way I grew up. So I always cook the food anyway.

Yeah, you cook?

Yeah I cook the food, I'm a West Indian man and I cook food, we have to cook food. West Indian men love cooking food.

Okay.

You know we all, everybody knows when a black man is hungry he cooks his food, his belly has to be full so remember that! So yeah I cook my food. 

But helping around the house I can't tell you how much times I help around the house because I mean I don't do it to like you know to count, I just do it. So after I cook food I clean up the surface and I wash the plates you know

Okay.

I mean if she's out and the floor and the floor needs to be vacuumed, I vacuum the floor, vice versa, I can't really tell you how much. But the place is always clean because we just clean it, we don't say "Oh well you wash up," or whatever, it's just whoever does it first does it, it just gets done, it's just no problem.

Thinks that sex in a long term relationship is more enjoyable.

Well alright one night stands, nah because I mean when you're in a stable relationship you have, you know what I mean, you enjoy it because of your partner, these people it's just done there's no feelings involved or nothing like that, it's just, it's almost like a hobby or a job you know we don't, it's nothing.  

So I mean when you're in a relationship and you feel for this person you enjoy it, that's the point you know. So I mean you're satisfied with your partner, you're satisfied with your partner you ain't going to look elsewhere you know. If you're not satisfied with your partner then obviously you're going to look elsewhere you know it's all about being upfront and honest you know I'm cool with my partner, there's no problem.  

But I mean the difference in a stable relationship you enjoy it, you now what I mean you're comfortable, you feel nice but with these one night stands there's just nothing involved in it. So that's why it's a one night stand and you can just do whatever, you have sex and then tomorrow you don't want to call back the person or they might do it to you, vice versa, you never know because there's just nothing involved in it. 

So practically, realistically you don't really like them and they don't really like you so you know.

It's a physical thing then?

It's physical, so I mean, that's it.

Advises others to wear condoms to prevent STIs and unwanted pregnancies.

Make sure you use it, make sure you use your contraception all the time. That's all I can, that's all I can say you know make sure you use it. Don't do nothing without it, that's all I can say.

Okay is there anything you would want to tell other young people regarding sexual health in general or sexually transmitted infections?

If you suspect you have anything then make sure you go to the clinic right away you know, or talk to someone you can trust about it, may be get some moral advice from them. But otherwise just always you use contraception, I mean especially the guys, make sure you do. You know what I mean because if anything comes to worse it's always you, so make sure you do.

Did not know where to go to get emergency contraception in time.

And well my contraception did fail on me but I don't mind, I love my child, I love my children, so I don't really mind.

Okay it split or...

Yes it split.

And your partner didn't use emergency contraception then?

At the time she didn't know because we were trying to go to a clinic and they were trying to book her in for an appointment and you know I mean, some of these clinics are weird.  And we're trying to find a walk in and then you had to register with some walk-in clinics but they said you had to be registered to that area so it was kind of, time went kind of quick because you've only got about three days.

You didn't go to your GP at that time, you and your girlfriend didn't go to a GP to get emergency contraception?

No she wasn't going to go to the clinic because she moved address at the time, she had to change her GP. You know the GP was away away so that's why we thought about the clinic. We looked at one of the posters, you know where we usually go and play some basketball, it's in there so we thought right we'll go and check this place and we went to this place and that's what they were saying, you have to register.

Explains how their lives had to change before and after the baby was born.

Oh right, first of all I was, how old was I, nineteen, I was nineteen when I first had my first child.

Okay.

And it was kind of difficult. At the beginning it's difficult but I mean if you set your mind straight and you do what you want to do like secondly, if you know what I mean, if you put your responsibility first and you do what you want to do secondly there'd be no problem.

Yeah we, we sorted out some housing and I had to leave out of the college accommodation and we had to get housed together we had to go to the council and get some housing. Because I mean she couldn't stay in her sister's place because it would be over crowded and I couldn't live in my college place so we had to live somewhere.

Okay and after the baby was born did you carry on studying or...?

I had to drop out for a while because I didn't want her to finish studying because I mean obviously I wanted her to complete her studying because I'm older than her by a few years you know. So I made her continue studying and I was working and doing some of my own independent work and making sure that I kept money coming in you know and I made sure that everything was working right, making sure that she was studying.  

So now I'm finishing the last of it, because I mean I got back into it eventually, you know and I mean the, it's easier, it's a lot easier now because I mean obviously for young women there's a lot more opportunities for them and if you want to study they can get you a cr'che or help you with child care, than what it was in my parents' days when there was none of that. So I mean that also helps in a lot of ways.  

When there's a new born baby you have to drop out for a while but when the baby is older like six months onwards you can go to a cr'che and take up from there.

Explains that at fourteen he was thinking about sex but wasn't ready to do it and how his mates...

How old were you when you had your first experience?

Because I've an older brother, I would say about going on fourteen.

Well yes and no. Really at the time I mean I was thinking about them things but I mean I didn't really want to do it with that person you know I mean I was not really, really liked but I mean, hey I mean when I did that and I told my friends, my friends were like "Yeah you're the man, that's the way, I like your brother, your brother is the man, you're the man."  

I mean you get a lot of, I mean for young boys it's different, I mean it's like a buzz, it's like you're the king, you're the king when you do this, I mean I don't know I mean I just thought well hey let it be you know what I mean, I went to school I told them you know my brother had some chick round and she was telling me blah, blah, blah and I did blah, blah and they're like "Yeah that's great." So yeah.

Yeah I mean it's really the society you live in you know, I mean, I mean it was, it was crazy man I mean I didn't know whether to feel good or bad about myself at that time because I mean it's like it was meant to be a good thing, so I just thought well, because I just knew about it you know.

Thinks that communication and understanding are important elements for a good relationship.

In the context of a serious relationship how important is faithfulness? 

It is because I mean it don't make sense, you're going to be in a relationship and you're not faithful, because you're going to waste your time, you're wasting your energy, you're wasting yourself. I mean if you really like a person and you're going to be, you have to be faithful because it's going to cost you time and money and etc etc.  

No point you kidding yourself and blaming yourself, you're playing with their feelings and you're playing with yourself. I can't really see how am I going to be with my girl. I'm spending money taking her to the cinema or etc, or she's spending money vice versa,  it's gong to be a waste of time and a waste of money when rather I can hold my money and go to hotels and see how many women or whatever.  

So realistically, faithfulness is really the key to a relationship but it's more communication and understanding is really the key in a relationship, then everything will all come in a relationship, love, trust etc etc. Understanding and communication, if you don't communicate with your partner then they're going to start thinking is he or is she cheating or you know, if you're not understanding them you know you're not going to really... if they've got some problems they want to talk to you or they don't like certain things what's going on in the relationship like your friends come round too much, they keep interfering in the relationship.  

So you've got to have understanding, they'll say "Oh quiet, you're talking rubbish" and then it's going to cause more arguments and friction. So I mean realistically communicating and understanding will make everything come within the relationship faithfulness, love, happiness etc.

Indicates that he and his partner use condoms as their main form of contraception, that men are...

It's me and the way life is if the woman becomes pregnant it's his fault, it's all, it's just, it's just the way life is. Some things you have to just accept in life. I mean it's like obviously you could have a daughter and your daughter come back pregnant you're going to look on the guy, it's always usually instantly the guy you know.  

So I'm more responsible for it, it's just things in life, that's just the way life is realistically, because I mean there's lots of stereotypes on guys it's just the way life is. It's like if you're living with your partner and your house is an absolute tip they look on the female, they don't look on the man, they look on the woman.  

So it's the same with sex, when it comes to contraception they usually look, it's always the guy you know what I mean?  So like if a girl come along and say "Mum I'm pregnant," my dad would go "Where is he?".  It's always him you know they're looking at you. You know what I'm trying to say, and if I'm the one who got the girlfriend my mum is going "Well where was your contraception?" it's you, so as a guy it's usually you that answers, the arrow is on you. So I'm really responsible for it mainly yeah.

I mean some people, I've got some friends who are not really bothered because the girls are not bothered. It's like they'll say "I haven't got a condom babe," they say "I don't care," you know some people are not bothered but some they always say "I always have my thing." The girl could look like Halle Berry if I haven't got something I ain't doing it  you know.  

So everybody, I can't really generalise because in my age group there's a lot of people, some bother, some don't, some are very conscious, some are not so conscious. You know what I mean.

Okay, the ones that do bother, why do they bother?

Because realistically when it comes to sex it takes two so if you say "I ain't got nothing," but the girl is still saying "Come on then," then he ain't going to risk no temptation, same vice versa so it's really they encourage each other so that's why they do it.