Psychosis

 

 

 

You have, I had a course of ten. And that was really useful, yes.

 

 

It was, again it was about handling people, because the problem with this illness is, it seems that you’re very, susceptible to having problems with relationships, and you’re very sensitive and vulnerable to people, and people being assertive, people not being open. And stuff like that, and, yes, so it just taught me some skills of how to handle nasty people at work. Bitchy people. Pushy people. That kind of thing. Yes.

I also did try a bit of CBT with the national health. But I think CBT is more geared to depression and there’s very, there’s not much they can do about schizophrenia so I gave it up after a while as just a waste of time. Which is not, you know, [coughs] it’s been proved to be very effective with depression but not that much with schizophrenia.

 

So I it’s not in but I know I also tried a talking cure with a private psychiatrist psychotherapist. That didn’t go, that didn’t, that was also, you know, they were they were loathed to take me on really because they, there’s nothing much they can do about schizophrenia either. So gave that up eventually because it was too expensive. I couldn’t afford it but there was he wasn’t getting anywhere really. I think talking cures are, you know, they’re I think they’re more effective for depression but I have I’ve tried it twice but it hasn’t really worked for me so I I’ve not got on with it.

Well, it’s not made me any better, you know, and so I haven’t I just thought it was a waste of time And I don’t particularly like talking about myself either. I don’t find it particularly helpful sometimes so.

I was fairly functional for most of the time in the hostel. It was just, it wasn’t really off, it was more just the general just sort of counselling. It was no really. It was just, I not very sure what it was. But it was that kind of thing where you go into that, if you go into that sort of environment in a hostel, you know, the guys there, a lot of the people are paid to sort of, that’s their job, I mean, to sort of get you through. You do that, and I’ll just go out, or I’ll do that or I’ll do this, and it was like, you know, I don’t know what… if I got anything. But it was a lot of just once a week you know, I would have a word with someone, so I’m not sure, basically it didn’t stop me going you know, full blown. It didn’t really. It never stopped it doing that obviously but … As I say we just talked about, you know, a bit like this, you know, briefly going through going your history etc and so on and talking about drink and that. I said we like had adult, an adult conversation about drink, because it was basically about… I mean they would say why, you know, why do you drink, and I’d say you know, it’s like a sort of, its not Scotland obviously but its may be slightly more, well not really I suppose, but it’s traditional in Scotland [laughs]. I suppose like. It’s just not healthy obviously, but, but yes, to be honest I never really got much benefit, I never got much from that. As I say it was only for a few weeks and it just was what it was.

Whenever I used to mention Dad, I just burst out crying. I mean I cried for hours. Hours and hours and hours. I think, I mean the main thing I had to come to terms with was a lot of anger. There was a lot of anger anyway about things, such as the sexual abuse issue and it was years before my resolve came. It was about 20, about 25 years, after the event that I actually did something about that. And found it was a group that was specifically for victims of childhood sexual abuse. And I think with my Dad and the overwhelming thing by the end of it was anger. It was anger with everything and everybody. And because, you know, …. [inhales] I didn’t deal with it at the time. And I think if you’re a thoughtful sensitive person then anger is, is not something that you deal with very well. You know, if you’re not used to these incredibly powerful overwhelming feelings of injustice, and hate [laughs]. I’ll be honest, yes. Yes. They’re very, very hard to deal with, and particularly if you’re quite isolated as well. You know, if you’ve kind of isolated yourself. [sniffs] It is very, very difficult. Yes.

 

I’d say a lot of times I think. It keeps happening and then it gets to a point everything just goes out the window and then it’s a case of like rebuild. But I think over years I’ve managed to build together quite a solid foundation. So when I’ve fallen out, I can only fall so far and I’ve got all the steps there to build myself back up quickly without going too far. So as I said I’ve built up relationships with my family and that now and …

 

It was hard work, because I think going back to how I used to be when I was younger some of my behaviours and where I was in my own head, it’s very destructive, and then I couldn’t really comprehend where I was, so god forbid how anyone could actually, how anyone else could comprehend where I was or what I was doing, or why I was doing it. But yes, it’s taken time and effort.

 

The Psychodynamic therapy I just had for a year. And I didn’t take to her as much and she was the second one I saw. And that just flew by a year and yes I didn’t find it very proactive. I didn’t really enjoy that as much. The psychologist I saw, who did a bit of CBT was very good. And in fact, he made me fill a questionnaire out when I started and a questionnaire when I was leaving about how I felt, and it was quite interesting at the end to realise what I’d written at the beginning and how much better I’d got which showed, and I was with him only for nine months, but it was very effective. So that was really good. So that really worked yes.