Psychosis

I mean it hasn’t gone away. I still have, have the voices. And I still see things, but it’s, to me it has just lost it’s power basically, it’s just an annoyance rather than something that, well it did used to take over my life and nearly killed me actually, but now it’s just, it’s just an annoyance. It’s, you know, a bit like having kind of bunion [laughs]. Yes, a mental bunion that’s it. Rather than you know, feeling like it was it as a cancer. It’s, that’s the difference really.

 

 

[laughs] Yes, it’s a mental bunion. I mean uncomfortable, yes, but it ain’t going to kill me.

 

 

Well I like to keep my mind active. So I like to kind of kind of, do a lot of creative stuff. I love to paint, and I love to write. And I love to make music. And also you know, having a bit of a structure to my life has really helped. So actually my going to university really helped. And to kind of be close to nature, which is one of the reasons I moved down to [name of town] because I love the sea. And if there is a time I feel a bit like anxious or stressed or like a kind of you know, not mentally comfortable. I just have to walk across the sea and I just put things into perspective really.

 

Just, I think the biggest thing just is to be kind of myself and realise you know, negative, negativity is... is a kind of thing, this kind of... well the negativity will turn the bunion into a cancer, you know, I mean it’s, it’s... it’s protecting the, you know, … I don’t know how I got onto bunions but … [laughs] but it’s just realising certain parts of yourself need protecting and looking after and just to realise I have to reduce stress. Because when my stress levels are really high then the psychosis is more troublesome, you know. For example last, last year there was a... quite a lot of stress stressful things happening, and it did bring up the, the kind of, the voices were more constant, for example.

 

So I’m just saying I have to bring down stress levels. And just, well kind of going back to the, the bunion kind of metaphor, it’s the choice that we’re in, you know, comfortable shoes, or the stilettos of negativity really.

 

That’s a pretty weird metaphor for it, but I think you guess what I mean. Yes. So it’s just.. kind of just having self-belief. Doing positive things with your life, kind of... keeping occupied is, you know, is really helpful. Kind of learning to develop your emotions, you know, your emotional life.

 

If things, yes, I get voices all time. This is... When I do police training and things like that, they kind of say well how can you do that? And it’s a matter of practise, and you say to them if I wasn’t well enough I wouldn’t be here. So I’m only going to turn up, you’re only going to see me when I’m well enough to cope with what I’m doing.

 

 

I think managing the voices really it’s like, if you’re sitting in a restaurant with someone, and there’s conversation on the next table. You can choose to go with that conversation or you can choose to stay with the conversation you’re in. You can actually say right I’m putting my attention here. For the most part I can do that, except sometimes it doesn’t work, and that’s when I start getting ill again. And I don’t know why that happens exactly.

 

 

I was talking to a friend the other day. I was talking about one day when I went up down the shop, and I could hear, a barrage of abuse, every time, say, a heavy lorry went past or something like that. And there was lots of shouting and swearing at me, and that, and I was getting lots of abstract pains in my legs and that, so it was as if I was being beaten up, but, but you couldn’t see anyone, you know, you could just hear them and feel then, and you know, those sorts of experiences, you know, they can be quite traumatic and that, so.

 

 

Yes.

 

 

Yes. I think a lot of it, you know, I’ve pretty much come through the other side. And I’ve had to deal with it for quite a few years now. So I’ve got little mechanisms. Little things that I’ve invented for myself within my imagination to try and deal with them and that. And I had a sanctuary. And the one I use is a cloud and I call it Cloud Nine. And I can get to Cloud Nine but hardly anybody else can. And it’s a safe, you know, it’s a nice white fluffy cloud and you just rest yourself there for a while, if things become a little bit too much and that you know, so…

 

 

That was through the help of a, a counsellor and that. And I think they call it creative visualization. And basically because I’ve got an active imagination, she said, you know, “Work with what you’ve got or whatever, and use it as a tool.” You know, so if you’ve got good imagination, which I think is what tends to feed the hallucinations and that, you know, turn it, you know, turn on its head and you know, put it round to your advantage. So yeah, she suggested something like that. But I had almost been doing that before she mentioned it. So yeah.

 

 

And, I think, I mean there would be times when I found the most difficult I think was being in public and believing that people were calling you a slut or a whore or … which is incredibly undermining and there just comes a point beyond which you cannot go out. And I think what I would say to people who are suffering in that way, [inhales] is to do something like mindfulness, is to do the relaxation, to do the anxiety management, to do the things that are going to help practically. And mindfulness for voice hearing is incredibly useful, particularly if you’re troubled when you’re in public, because it teaches you to concentrate only on what you are doing at the time, rather than having your antennae out and taking in all this information because you’re so scared. Yeah, and I think if you, if it does get you that way you can end up becoming incredibly hostile to everything because you just feel persecuted. You know, you do, you just don’t get any rest, and particularly if you do get the more bizarre beliefs, I think with psychosis, you know, that you are being targeted by God or aliens or you are such a bad person that you deserve everything you’re getting. I mean that just is so... sad that, that people go through that and are like that about themselves when with a little bit of help you can stop the process. And I mean one thing I always used to say whenever I was talking to anybody was if, if somebody was actually in front of you talking to you, and like calling you those things, you wouldn’t put up with it, so why put up with it when it’s in your head, or it’s a belief that you have. Just tell them to go away. And there’s something called a broken record technique, which is where you just repeat and repeat the same thing. Which could be ‘That is your opinion. I do not share it’. And you just repeat it and repeat and I found that that was really helpful. Yes.

 

They have to spend so much time doing paperwork, where they’re in an office most of the time, so they don’t actually get out to talk to people etc. So HUG is actually working with them, to try and, how do you put it, get more activities nursing, like nurses who act more active etc because basically you go in there and you sit and watch television all day, or you sit in the smoking room and that’s it. You know, and it’s not good. So HUG are working with them and apparently we do have money for this now, for doing things like pottery, aromatherapy, you know, all that type of thing. Yes, so … because you know like, an occupational therapist?

 

Well there’s one there, but he’s not very good. Sorry there’s actually two there I tell a lie, who are not very good you know. I mean, and the time I got sectioned for three months, I was supposed to like see him, and he kept on saying oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll some cooking, and we’ll do this or do that. And it never happened. You know, so … 

 

 

I like exercise. Art. I like paint. I’ve got a very open mind. I’ll try anything, you know, even if it’s something I’ve not tried before like sewing, knitting. That’s not quite true, I learnt to sew in the Army actually. Don’t ask why. So yes, anything. 

 

Because the music’s given me hope for the future. And that’s what I hold on to. The music and the acting actually. Yes, you know, I enjoy both and both helps me a lot therapeutically. Yes, I’ve fought back to put my hope on. If anything comes, if the worst comes to the worst my music will see me through, because you know, as long as I’ve got the energy and the strength I always be playing music. Because that’s what, from the beginning I said, well let’s go, my headmaster said you can go the special needs school across the road, and entertain the people with special needs. I’m still doing it through disability up to this stage, using my music, yes. And it helps me as well. When I’m playing for people it helps me as well. Especially if I ask, if I ask people afterwards, “How do you like that?” And its, “It was cool.” It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I’ve done something, you know, and then it makes me feel good, so then we all feel good. Yes. It’s amazing.

 

 

It’s not music therapy. It’s just normal music. But it’s therapeutic. Sometimes we’ll come home from work, you know, you go home, you’ve had a bad day, put a CD on, relaxing but you just listen to it. It relaxes your mind. It relaxes you, yes. So that’s how I see it. Sound Minds. Because what we can offer you, the music, you listen to it, and it helps you relax your mind. Makes you calmer. And when you listen to reggae music, just the pulsating beat of the drum and the base, it’s like a hypnotic thing. So you listen to it, and you listen to the rhythm. It helps your mind. It’s like its helping your mind, healing you. That beat. That rhythm. You know. And making the voice come, the melody like. And you get the voice on top of you, oh sweet, it relaxes your mind and makes you feel physically, well it makes you want to dance to it. That’s what a lot of people phone up for the reggae band, because when we play the music it makes you dance. It makes you listen to it, and it makes you feel happy. Yes. It’s a good thing. And basically that’s what I said, I called myself the wounded healer because I use the music as a form of, of therapeutic form, through the music yes. Especially my drumming. When I’m drumming I think it’s a gift. When I’m drumming the drums just take over and they start to ride the music, and the people say, “oh Devon. I love your drumming.” But I don’t think it’s just me. There’s a spirit within me, I think it’s a gift. I… which I never thought I had before, but it seems to be like it’s helping people and it’s helping myself. Yes. I think that’s how Sound Minds came around Yes. It’s amazing. It’s unique. It is yes, yes.

 

I was teaching myself to play the piano at the time as well so that did, that kept me going. That gave me a purpose and kept me going.And although I couldn’t, you know, I could just half and hour here, an hour there, you know, it wasn’t like I could sit down and practice for eight hours, you know.Or ten hours or whatever, which is what I wanted to be doing. So rather than get frustrated, which I did a bit, I just tried to accept that I was ill stoically and make the best of things.

 

Well, there’s not a day went past when I didn’t really curse being ill, you know. I’d because I don’t like being ill andI don’t, you know, I don’t having the flu never mind having schizophrenia so I spent a lot of time, not so much feeling sorry for myself, but cursing my fate, as it were, and but realising the best the best, there was nothing I could do about it, and the best thing to do would be just to be stoical about it. Which I which I hope I have been and which I which is my ideal way of coping with it really, is trying to rise above it, trying to forget it if I can, and just get on with things as best I can.

 

And if I can’t, you know, if I can’t work more than a couple of hours a day, you know, I’m an I’m an artist, a painter and if I can’t pay for more than two hours a day, which I, and I’d rather be painting for twelve hours a day, then I just have to, although, I it’s difficult to accept. I just have to accept it as best I can, you know.