Margaret - Interview 16

Age at interview: 41

Age at diagnosis: 27

Brief Outline:

Margaret lost her mother at 14, and started hearing voices at 20. She had a serious suicide attempt and was sectioned. She had a year out of college and has worked ever since. She now takes a low dose of sulpiride and has been supported by optimistic friends.

Background:

Margaret is a therapist, single and has no children. Ethnic background' White British.

More about me...

Margaret lost her mother at the age of 14. When she was 15 she had a step-parent and it was quite a ‘difficult time’ as the step-parent was unkind. She stopped eating and went down to 6.5 stone. She was very unhappy and had some ‘horrible’ experiences growing up. Margaret first started hearing voices at the age of 20 and from 20-27 didn’t realise that she was hearing voices. She understood them as people talking about her and couldn’t work out ‘who was doing it’. In her 20s she felt that someone had a ‘vendetta’ against her and ended up making quite a serious suicide attempt. She was admitted to hospital for three months under a section 2. She felt that voices were ‘very clever’ and could take the form of another person’s voice, so that it all appeared to be coming from that person. Then she started hearing them from various electronic devices or smoke alarms, so believed somebody was doing things to her electronically. Now she thinks that the voices are a ‘separate entity’ with its own mind, possibly another facet of her soul, and this can ‘try and trip you up and play games with you every step of the way’. She heard voices inside her head and thought this was being done by satellites. She lived in ‘fear’ for a lot of that period, actually moving to try and get away from her voices. They said ‘We will get you in [place of birth] when you go home in the holidays’ and they did. Then she experienced 24/7 constant voices, thinking that she would ‘die of fright’. The voices were abusive, threatening and tormented her constantly. She said it was ‘like a horror movie’. She went to London and made a ‘serious suicide attempt’ to try and rid herself of the voices, as her mind was being tortured, suffering acute distress. She went to A&E and then left as she was abandoned to wait alone in a room. She went to her brother’s but then heard messages from her brother on the answer machine saying ‘There’s a gun in the third drawer down’ or ‘There’s some razor blades in the bathroom cupboard’. Later, this showed to her how the voices could imitate real life. Being so distressed she booked herself into a hotel to commit suicide and then ‘panicked’ at the last moment, thinking that she ‘hadn’t quite done the job properly’. She was found in a lift and taken to A&E, and then had to have an operation to repair the damage. After the operation she was in a ‘virtual reality’, thinking she was being experimented on, and wasn’t sure if she was dead or alive. She was admitted to a psychiatric hospital and had a very negative experience of receiving a diagnosis, being told ‘You have a serious, chronic illness which is potentially fatal’ – paranoid schizophrenia – a diagnosis which she now thinks is detrimental. She was prescribed sulpiride which she still takes, albeit at a low dose. She said that she was lucky as the first one she tried worked for her, although she has experienced amenorrhoea and bone density problems. She had a year out of college, then returned to university, and has been working for ten years since then. Now she doesn’t take any notice of the diagnosis as she doesn’t think it’s ‘very meaningful’. She describes the ‘turning point’ as realising voices could emanate from inside her head, together with the HCAs which played ‘the most important role’ in the hospital. There were ‘very limited talking therapies’ so all her ‘CBT’ has been ‘DIY’. She has developed various coping strategies over 10 years, including rationalisation and having a sense of humour, and also treats the experience of hearing voices as a challenge. She has good friends who have been optimistic and supported her to do things; this has helped her through the most difficult times. Margaret has experienced two smaller relapses when her medication was being changed. Meditation has helped her considerably, and visual imagery techniques have helped her to explore the inner workings of her mind. Margaret goes to a Buddhist meditation centre.

 

In 2007 she discovered a more spiritual side to her experiences and received various messages from her mother, through a medium. She got advice via this means which was more helpful than the psychiatrists in the hospitals. The idea that spirits are watching everyone all the time has also helped lessen her paranoia. She attends a spiritualist church and contacted her mum through a medium and her mother told her that her main problem was ‘fear’. She has since worked to get rid of her fear and succeeded. Work has been one of the most important things that have kept her ‘well’.  

Margaret didn't believe voices were coming from 'inside her head' as they sounded too realistic, and now thinks that the voices are a facet of her soul.

To start with they were always outside, so if I was in a building I could hear them outside the window. That’s how they started, so I always thought they, if and voices very clever they will take on the form of another person’s voice so it will appear as it’s coming from that person. So they’re very clever.

 

And when you don’t know that this is what’s happening, you’re completely taken in and think these people are abusing you. And then you know, as things got worse and worse I’d hear them on the phone when I was speaking to friends, family on the phone, in the background which led me to believe that things were being done electronically.

 

So it’s just a, process of reasoning how, you know, how am I hearing these things. Where is it coming from? Who’s doing it to me?

 

So I had like ten years of that, you know, and it’s and it’s just your mind trying to ration and reason with how, where’s it coming from. Because obviously you’ve got no concept that it’s coming from inside your head because it’s too realistic.

 

So … So yes, then I’d start hearing them from various electronic devices, you know, if there was a, say a smoke alarm in the corner of the room, they’d emanate from there. So it’s, it’s the voices. They’re I mean my frame of reference now that it’s another facet of my soul that’s doing it. But it’s actually a, an entity with its own thoughts. Psychiatrists will tell you that it’s just your own thoughts, but you know, I don’t buy that at all. This thing thinks for itself, and tries to trip you up and play games with you, every step of the way. There’s no doubt about that. Yes.

 

And then a, you know, a bit later I actually started hearing them inside my head. That was really scary at first. So then I had I don’t know if it’s helpful to like go into the delusions that it created, just trying to figure out what was happening.

 

But then I thought oh gosh, I’m linked up to satellites and all sorts, and they’re beaming voices actually into my head. I was thinking, how are they doing this?

Margaret had a frightening experience at A&E when she thought her heart was stopping.

Well I was, oh let me think. I was, yes, in [place] I actually thought my heart was going to stop when I was just so terrified. So I flee to A & E and I was getting a commentary and they were telling me all about psychiatric drugs, and I didn’t even know what they were at that point. I found out later, all the names that they’d and they said, “You’re going to have an aortic aneurysm.” You know, [tch] and I was only a young thing [laughs]. I was only in my twen… twenties, 27, yeah. And so I fled. And nobody came to help me in A & E. They just put me in a room and left me there and I was so distressed that I thought, right I’ve got to get up to [place] So I was quite a way away and I walked like two or three miles to the train station. And it was in the middle of the night, so none of trains were running. So I got a, taxi which was something like £180 to [place]. Got to my brothers. And when I was in my brothers he popped out to the shopping earlier in the morning. It was morning by then, and his answer phone came on and he gave his normal message and then he actually left a message as well and said, “There’s a gun in the third drawer down in the bedroom drawers.” You know. And then a couple of minutes later, the answer phone went off again and gave his whole message, and then another message, “There’s some razor blades in the bathroom cupboard.” And so then when he came back from the shop I said, “You know, that you’ve left some, why did you leave those messages on the answer phone?” And he went to check it and he said, “Well, there’s, nobody’s left any messages.” So this was all my… It shows how powerful, they can actually imitate an answer phone machine in a very psychotic state. So of course I didn’t trust him at all. He was, he was out to get me and he just left two messages. I didn’t know it was, I wouldn’t have thought that was possible to come from inside your head. And to actually hear an answer phone. And so I thought I had to escape. And that’s when I escaped. And you know, made a, booked into a hotel and made a suicide attempt. It’s quite important to say I did not want to die but at the time I was extremely distressed and just wanted to be released from the voice as my mind was being tortured. Which didn’t quite work out how I’d planned. And the voices were with me, all through that, just goading me on the whole time. 

 

So encouraging you to commit suicide?

 

Well just having a ball out of it. Just, you know, I had, you know, my Dad’s voice, when he used to scare us as a monster when we were children. That was going on, and … [laughs] It was, you know, it was... quite a horror film really. And that didn’t quite work. I sort of panicked at the last minute because I thought I was going to end up, you know, brain damaged or something, because I hadn’t quite done the job properly. And so I was taken to the A & E to 999 to hospital. I think they found me in the lift or something. And ..

 

What did you try to do?

 

Oh overdose and cut my wrists yes. And alcohol and you know. And then I think I have a quite, about a three hour operation, a repair operation. So I was in hospital in [place] for a while. And after I’d had the general anaesthetic I’d completely touched, lost touch with reality you know, I thought I was in some kind of virtual reality. I wasn’t sure if I was dead or alive. The antibiotics, they were, the IV’s they were giving me, I thought they were embalming me. And I thought I was on the top of this hospital ward in this hospital being experimented on, and they were chopping bits off of us gradually. You know, it was just a horrible nightmare.
But anyway, then I was shipped back to, back to [place], and yes, then... I started on the tablets and that helped. 

Margaret felt that she was able to halve the amount of medication she took as she discovered her spiritual side and saw mediums.

But in 2007, was a bit of a turning point for me, because I discovered a spiritual side to life. I got various messages from my Mother, through, through a medium, and then I attended a spiritualist church and saw several other mediums, and I got lots of good advice. In fact I got more advice from these kind of human beings, my Mum on the other side then I did… I got more help that way, than I did from the hospitals and the psychiatrists here, in terms of good advice to follow [small laugh].

 

So that’s, you know, and gradually since 2007, we are now 2010, yes, my mind’s, you know, really strong now, and I’ve virtually halved, well over halved my medication in those three years. And I feel you know, a bit ready to fight another battle now. I just feel really strong, so… 

Margaret doesn't believe that voices come just from a 'chemical imbalance' and thinks that an understanding of spirituality and spiritual entities has helped her.

Yes, because they [psychiatrists] just go with the chemical imbalance don’t they, and it’s your thoughts. But no, no, I don’t buy that at all. I think, I think the human body and we’re far more com… you know, I believe that we’re a spirit, with a, with a human overcoat, human body overcoat which we lose and go back to spirit and I think it’s all far more complex than that.

 

So the voices were spirits or different parts of your soul? How would you say that?

 

Yes, I don’t know. I’ve read quite a lot of channelled stuff from other entities, some of them not human beings. Some of them and they’ve come up with some quite interesting stuff. […] Yes. It’s some fascinating stuff. Some of it’s like a bit, mind blowing and hard to get your head round, but some interesting, yes, they just. One of them was a parable. It was a story and it was of a spiritual being and he had like a light side and a dark side, and the dark side was following him and was out to get him, and trip him up every step of the way. And, and, this, this particular channel was saying, you know, that everybody has this light and dark side. And the light… the dark side can’t exist without the light side, so it’s never going to overpower you. Because it was a really good little analogy it gave. It said, like if you have a dark room and you open the door, the light will flood in and the room will be light, but if you have a, a light room and dark opens the door, it can’t penetrate the light. So you’re always stronger and it can’t survive without you, and it was saying haven’t you noticed, you know, that dark, your voices can never destroy you, or overpower you, you know, well they nearly did to me once, but they can push you to your limits.

Margaret attends a spiritualist church and has developed her understanding of spiritualism.

I mean I’m a bit of a spiritualist now, and I attend a spiritualist church and you can you know, they can listen into your thoughts, and you know, you speak to mediums, you know, that’s how they communicate. And also at first when I was, I was experiencing seeing colours and like images, and my doctor said, “Oh they’re hypnogogic images.” And that really frightened me. You know, I’m possessed. I’m seeing things. Because I had no knowledge of spiritual matters. But then when I get more information from mediums, I know that’s how they get all their information from spirit. From, you know, from being clairaudient, clairvoyant, clairsentient, that’s how they, they get all their information.And, and for me I’ve had good things since 2007 as well as not so good things. And I hardly get any bad stuff now.

 

So when you got in touch with mediums. How was that for you?

 

Yes, it was, it was really good. Because in 2007 my Mum, I think it was September, my Mum said my main problem was fear. So I worked for two years on trying to get rid of my fear, which I did. I’m just quite fearless now.

 

Oh fantastic.

 

But I’d been wracked with fear, and that’s why I took lots of tablets, and I thought, you know, if you were down or weak or low, your voices would come. You know, they get you when you’re on your lowest ebb or you know, you’re worried about something or anxious about something. Then you’ll get voices because they’re praying on your weaknesses.

 

That doesn’t seem fair does it?

 

No. But that’s, but once I got rid of my fear, I don’t have that problem now. So fe… eradicating fear, was a huge, another huge turning point. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely.

 

And did you receive any other helpful messages?

 

That, that was the most significant one, I think in, in terms of recovery. Yes. It seems to have been.

 

Sounds like you’ve done wonders, yes.

 

Yes, …ooh what else? Oh and delusions, like I say delusions. I think they’re they stem from a lack of knowledge. So not knowing what is causing voices. Because I used to have delusions in the early days. You know, your voices are playing tricks and games and trying to get you to believe all kinds of funny things. Yes. So, but everybody, you know, experiences reality differently don’t they. So, I think delusions are just an extreme form of that aren’t they? And beliefs are the same. Because like I’ve changed my beliefs so much over the years you know, I, they’re changing all the time when I learn new information and which is quite good because you get some people who, you know, they’ll just they’ve been taught something when they’re little and they believe it for the rest of their life. That’s sort of the church indoctrinate you and the world’s flat and [laughs]. So I just, so my, I don’t know, I think that’s a bonus, that I’m quite malleable, my beliefs. You know, I think it’s quite a bonus out of the whole thing, and, and after, after going through that journey I just think I’m quite grateful of having had this experience. I don’t look on it as a negative thing any more. I mean for years and years I thought, I used to think, oh why can’t I have a physical illness? Why does it have to be a mental health problem? But now I actually think gosh I’m lucky, because I’ve got such an understanding of the goings on in the mind.

 

I’m really pleased to hear that, yes.

Margaret was offered CBT, but it never materialised so she developed her own coping strategies to deal with her voices.

They said we’ll once, years later, they said, we’ll do a CBT or talking therapy but then that never happened. So all my CBT has been DIY [laughs] you know, I’ve to do it myself because I had no help at all from professionals, so, yes. I think that’s a shame really, because .. But anyway I can, I can tell you about some of my DIY CBT.

 

Okay so, dealing with, dealing with... voices, I think... now it’s having, I’ve always had insight generally. I’ve, I’ve never lost the plot completely, even though I’ve had my fair share of the delusions at the beginning of my illness. I, you know, I’ve never like totally, apart from after I’d had the general anaesthetic may be, …

 

It’s very difficult.

 

Before coming to [place] and yes. Then I did lose touch with reality a bit. But yes, and that’s after I’d yeah. So I think now I tend to look at it as a challenge, and a great challenge, so I f I’m hearing people saying things about me, or I tend to think well that does…. I have to take a double take and think what I have just heard and then think, well that can’t be right, people don’t say that. People don’t say that sort of thing, and if they do, then I think they’re the one with the problem, not me. So that’s that. So I have to rationalise and take a double take and, and do re-enforcement when I hear things. And that still goes on. And then I think laughter is quite a good one, because I, I actually, I actually now find it amusing when I hear things, even they’re quite horrible insults. By laughing at it that is a coping strategy. It’s took me a long time to get to that.