Kirsty - Interview 12

Age at interview: 40

Age at diagnosis: 24

Brief Outline: Kirsty was sexually abused as a child; then had 'strange symptoms' when managing a shop. She has been in hospital after having hallucinations and tries 'creative visualisation' to control them, along with her medication. She has had long battles with various addictions.

Background: Kirsty is a volunteer with Rethink and a local housing organisation; she is single with no children. Ethnic background' White British.

More about me...

Kirsty had a few behavioural problems at school, and was sexually abused by two different members of her family. Her father died when she was in her early adolescence. However, she went on to train in electrical and mechanical assembly. She got ‘fed up’ with that and went to work in a music store, and eventually became the manager. During this time she had a lot of ‘strange symptoms’ and thought she was dying. She went to see the doctor who ran some tests and said there was nothing wrong. At this point she was very distressed and was referred to a psychiatrist. She was prescribed Chlorpromazine and anti-depressants. Within six months she was admitted to an acute psychiatric ward. She describes it at that time as a ‘sanctuary’ but says hospital is like a ‘prison’ now. She was there for 6-8 weeks. After coming out of hospital she tried to go back to work but couldn’t handle the ‘crowds’ in the shop or on the bus. A couple of years later she ‘lost the plot’. At this time she thought she was a military secret, and hallucinated that she had ‘white worms and wires’ coming out of her legs. She went to counselling to cope with the premature death of her father and sexual abuse as a child.

 

The visual hallucinations carried on after the anti-psychotic medication; she attributes this to being on Prozac, as they ceased when she came off it. She experienced what is known as the ‘Largactyl shuffle’ in which you can’t walk normally, but apart from that her reactions to medication were ‘pretty good’ and she slept a lot. She was changed to Depixol injection and has had bad reactions to Haloperidol. The injections she found were undignified and she did not feel in control.

 

Kirsty experienced tactile hallucinations, feeling that people were poking her. She experienced abusive language and ‘abstract pains’ or feeling like she was being beaten up. She now combats this with a technique called ‘creative visualisation’ with the help of a counsellor. When she was being sexually abused she used to pretend she was ‘dead’ or ‘not there’ in order to cope, and it is a similar survival mechanism that helped with the hallucinations. Her voices ‘completely disappeared’ at one point, but she has had a ‘rumbling voice’ or a ‘crystal clear’ voice; she commonly hears a voice from the Hoover. Quite often the voices are ‘slightly ambiguous’, saying either ‘I will kill you’ or ‘I can heal you’. She has had experience of illegal drugs and didn’t look after her ‘physical health’ at various stages. She had mixed experience of psychiatric care, with one psychiatrist commenting on her promiscuity (which she feels is the result of sexual abuse), saying ‘Oh, so you’re not scared of the sight of a stiff prick then?’. Kirsty feels there is better awareness of sexual abuse in the services now. The nursing staff she has had were ‘absolute angels’, but the psychotherapist she was seeing ‘fell asleep’ or ‘picked his nose’. However, the people she has had contact with recently are ‘much better suited’ to that kind of work. She thinks that the things that have helped her well-being are ‘sticking to her medication’ and not worrying what other people think. Sometimes she has benefited from ‘kind voices’ as well, reminding her to take her medication. She is due to start some specialist counselling on rape and sexual abuse in a couple of months’ time. Kirsty can ‘relax and be herself’ with her mum. She tries not to take things ‘too seriously’ and has got involved with different committees. Kirsty enjoys having an active imagination and the feeling of being able to ‘give back’. She credits voluntary work with helping to build her confidence up as she was a ‘wreck’. 

Kirsty worked in a music store, but wasn't confident in her social life. She went to her GP with physical symptoms but he could find nothing wrong with her.

Started working in a music store. And within a couple of years, I’d worked my way up to manager. And I was actually thriving under pressure there for a while.

 

But my social life and my life outside of work was, you know, it wasn’t the norm, as it were. I wasn’t, I presume that I was quite popular at work, but I wasn’t really outgoing or extrovert, or any way confident and that in my social life.

And eventually my work life began to suffer as well, and I actually thought I was dying. I was getting a lot of strange symptoms. And I was backwards and forwards to the doctor, and that, and getting different tests done. And then he I’d gone in there one day and he said, “Oh, you know, there’s… you’re absolutely fine, there’s nothing wrong with you.” And I just exploded. And that. So he said, “Right, now I’m sending you to see a psychiatrist.” Sort of thing. And that was me in with the mental health service sort of thing.  

Kirsty said that her voices can be useful and kind, like the time they reminded her to take her medication when she couldn't remember.

And sometimes you get extremely kind voices as well. I got reminded to take my medication when I came out of hospital at one point. I was having difficulty, I didn’t have a, a proper system for sorting out my medication, and I saw a friend of mine on the bus, and he was going up to the psychiatric unit to see some friends, and he was like, “Oh hi. How you’re doing?” I said, “Yes, fine. But I keep forgetting to take my medication and that.”

And I suppose that was half past one, two o’clock in the afternoon. Around came 5 o’clock and I got in my head the voice, ‘medication’, which was the call at the hospital at 5 o’clock for people to come and queue up for medication, you know, so, they can be, you know, that’s a really practical salvation as well. But they can boost your confidence or whatever, you know. Sometimes obviously they can boost it a bit too much and you get on your high horse, but you know, they can be extremely useful and kind and helpful as well, yes. 

Kirsty's problem with alcohol led her to being promiscuous which she now feels is a form of self-harm.

Previously I had, I had a slight problem with alcohol, but I’m virtually teetotal now, and that. It certainly is a long time since I’ve been bladdered. And you know, as you’ve heard I don’t really like going up the pub, unless it’s sort of, during the day and that where things are quite light atmosphere. Yes.

 

So what was it like, you said you had a problem, why was it a problem?

 

I think it was bec… I think it was propping me up every day. I didn’t feel as if I could function without it, sort of thing, you know. And it wasn’t doing me any favours. I wasn’t you know, popular with my friends and that, I wasn’t a particularly nice person to know, always when I’d had a few drinks and that. And certainly when I was younger if I’d had a few drinks than I was all free and easy, which wasn’t doing my reputation or my self-esteem much good, you know.

Yes. So it was destructive behaviour. And perhaps more, socially acceptable than cutting yourself up or whatever, but destructive behaviour all the same. Yes.  

Kirsty used a technique called 'creative visualisation' to relax and to protect herself from unpleasant voices and experiences.

I was talking to a friend the other day. I was talking about one day when I went up down the shop, and I could hear, a barrage of abuse, every time, say, a heavy lorry went past or something like that. And there was lots of shouting and swearing at me, and that, and I was getting lots of abstract pains in my legs and that, so it was as if I was being beaten up, but, but you couldn’t see anyone, you know, you could just hear them and feel then, and you know, those sorts of experiences, you know, they can be quite traumatic and that, so.

 

It must have been very distressing…

 

Yes.

 

… for you?

 

Yes. I think a lot of it, you know, I’ve pretty much come through the other side. And I’ve had to deal with it for quite a few years now. So I’ve got little mechanisms. Little things that I’ve invented for myself within my imagination to try and deal with them and that. And I had a sanctuary. And the one I use is a cloud and I call it Cloud Nine. And I can get to Cloud Nine but hardly anybody else can. And it’s a safe, you know, it’s a nice white fluffy cloud and you just rest yourself there for a while, if things become a little bit too much and that you know, so…

 

And how did you come up with that strategy?

 

That was through the help of a, a counsellor and that. And I think they call it creative visualization. And basically because I’ve got an active imagination, she said, you know, “Work with what you’ve got or whatever, and use it as a tool.” You know, so if you’ve got good imagination, which I think is what tends to feed the hallucinations and that, you know, turn it, you know, turn on its head and you know, put it round to your advantage. So yeah, she suggested something like that. But I had almost been doing that before she mentioned it. So yeah.

 

What had you been doing before she mentioned it?

 

Just going off in my head, trying to find somewhere safe to be, sort of thing, you know, because I don’t know, if a, a real person, flesh and blood is bothering you know, you can take yourself away from them, or you know, send them out the door or whatever you know, but if it’s things that you can’t physically remove and that, you know, if they’re just, not exactly in your head, but if they’re, they’re not, then it’s difficult to say they’re not real, because they are pretty much real when it’s happening sort of thing, you know, but…. I was, just, I thought, yes, you know, I can get myself out of this by pretending.  

Two members of Kirsty's family sexually abused her, and she was shocked; the psychologist and psychiatrist whom she told about it let her down.

The thing, what had happened when I was younger, and I was being abused, was, I would pretend I was dead or it wasn’t happening to me, and I wasn’t there. And that, so it was the same survival coping mechanism or whatever, that helped me out with the hallucinations. Hm.

 

And was it abuse by a member of your family?

 

Yes. Yes. Two, two different members and that so. I mean obviously as a child I thought I was being persecuted and I thought it was only me, and I mean it wasn’t until some years later that I realised there was a word for it at all. And unfortunately, the... the psychologist that I’d had when I was younger, and I was having behavioural problems at school, it would appear that she breached confidence, and I got, backlash at the dinner table that night. And that just completely blew, blew any, any trust or rapport, or, you know, chance of sorting things out then. And then later on, when I came out to live with my Mum, and I spoke to the psychiatrist briefly about had happened, he was just, in my mind, I mean I know there’s a better awareness of it now, but in my mind, he was completely negligent, he just said, “Oh, you know, so you’re not scared of the sight of a stiff prick then.” You know, because I told him that my sex life was a bit like Piccadilly Circus, you know, where I’d become promiscuous and that. And you know, I mean I see now that its completely irresponsible of him, you know, because it’s a, it’s a destructive behaviour and that, you know, but... yeah. I’d been let down, you know, I’d been let down by the immediate authority, the people who are supposed to protect and provide for you, and whatever, you know, and also the bureaucracy, you know, proper authority and that, so … I’ve, you know…

Kirsty became involved with Rethink and then worked in a charity shop over the Christmas period.

How did you get involved with Rethink?

 

I think it was just reading the newsletter and they said that they were interested, you know, in I think it was the way the government’s change things. They want things to be, not exactly user led, but for the, any sort of client, patient, tenant, whatever, to be involved in the services that they receive and that sort of thing. So .. power to the people, you know, and that. So I just responded to that. I responded to their request. I thought yes, I can do. Yes, I’ll give a go. And that. And I wasn’t always reliable and that. But quite a lot of the time I put a fair amount of effort in, and like I say, as I can tell it was appreciated. And certain the stuff I do now, the, the service involvement manager she’s extremely motivating. Yes.

 

And what does she motivate you to do?

 

What was it, take on extra tasks and all this sort of thing, which is like, I mean, I don’t always feel it within me, that my opinion is valid, you know, or that, you know, sometimes I think well I’m, you know, I’m out of place or whatever, you know, imposter almost. But, you know, I had a phone conversation with her a while back and she was like, “Yes, no, you know, you seem to be particularly good at this or whatever, and Christ, yes. I didn’t realise I had any talents left. You know, so yeah.

 

Well good on her.

 

Yes. A lot of it is the people that you come into contact with. I mean I worked in a charity shop for a couple of months a couple of years ago over the Christmas period, and I’d been out, I’ve never worked in clothing retail or anything like that. And I’ve been out of retail for, you know, so many years, fifteen years or whatever. And I know it’s only a charity shop, but I really didn’t think I could cut the mustard and that. So, I said yes, may be I’ll do a little bit, a day a week or something like this. And the manager there was so good. So good a manager, such a good character and everything. And attitude and that, that I was doing any hours that she was prepared to give me sort of thing, you know. And as long, you know, as long as I could get there, I was quite happy to do the work and it was good, yes, good for my confidence and self-worth and all that sort of thing, you know, yes. 

Kirsty didn't feel in control when she had injections.

And I know in particular the injections, you tend to lose your dignity to, I mean you do to an extent in a psychiatric ward anyway, although it’s not going to be as bad as prison. But yes, the injections, sometimes you, you know, you do tend to feel that you’re not in control at all, but yes. 

 

I mean, now, I have no problems, no problems about taking my medication at all. But, at some points in the past I’ve been very suspicious of it and that you know, sort of, so I’ve not taken as much as I should, or, you know, completely ignored something. Although it’s happened the other way around, where I’ve been discharged or sent home on weekend leave without any medication. And become physically quite ill, and that, and you know, had to ferry myself back in and that to get something back in my system. Yes. 

 

Kirsty's tongue swelled up as a result of taking medication and it was difficult for her to breathe.

At one time when I turned up there I was given I haven’t got it quite clear in my head but I think I was given Haloperidol and my tongue swelled up, and it wasn’t until one of my neighbours who had been having a cup of tea with me when the crisis team came out. He’d gone home, I think he followed the car to the unit, and then he’d come home to get me some bits and bobs and that because I was still in my slippers and stuff, and when I came back I couldn’t talk properly. It wasn’t till I was talking to him that they realised that I needed like an antidote to take my tongue back down, sort of thing like, you know. Otherwise it was going to throttle me and that. But yes, they didn’t always say, oh you know expect this or expect that.