Gary - Interview 32

Age at interview: 37

Age at diagnosis: 23

Brief Outline:

Gary had a 'very disturbed childhood' and was bullied. In his 20s he 'knew something was wrong' but 'couldn't describe it'. He has had many different diagnoses and has been sectioned '3' times. Now he volunteers for a user organisation, has done a course in aromatherapy, and tries to stay well.

Background:

Gary is a volunteer, is single and has no children. Ethnic background' White Scottish.

More about me...

Gary had a ‘very disturbed childhood’ and ‘really lost it’ when he was about ‘13, 14’. He says that he was a ‘village freak’ and was ‘sleeping in the graveyard a lot’. He was first mentally bullied, then physically, after which he said it became ‘quite extreme’. The bullies dangl[ed him] off a cliff’ or ‘beat him to the ground’. His parents fought, and his dad was alcoholic. He was sexually abused by his father, who he says was ‘so drunk he really didn’t know what he was doing’. He blames the teachers for noticing ‘marks on [his] body’ and not doing anything to stop it. His mum refused to take him to the doctor because of the ‘embarrassment’ and says she ‘didn’t want to be seen as a bad parent’. Now he rocks on the floor in the same way he did when he was younger to make himself ‘feel good’. He said that his only ‘escape’ was reading, but he couldn’t read ‘story books’ as he ‘had to break from reality’. When he was 16 he joined the army, but he ‘knew there was something wrong with [him]’. He says that when he was in his 20s he ‘knew something was wrong’ but ‘couldn’t describe it’. He left the army and went into the hospitality industry. He was diagnosed with many things as he had moved around a lot and had ‘different psychiatrists and different diagnosises’. He says that having lots of diagnoses is ‘horrible’ and that he was ‘left really confused’. He has taken sodium valproate, chlorpromazine and numerous other medications. He feels he has only really benefited from being ‘tranquilised’ and being in an in-patient ward for a week. After an incident on an in-patient ward in which he challenged staff and found and took a nurse’s keys he is no longer allowed on the ward.

 

Three years ago his mental health got worse and he couldn’t work any more. He started to get ‘cyclical’ episodes where he would be ‘well for a month, not well for a month’. Recently he started to feel very unwell and says that these periods are ‘horrible’ and that ‘death is easier’. He started to ‘abuse alcohol’ and says he will drink between 15-20 litres in a 24-hour period as he ‘doesn’t want the bad thoughts in [his] head’. He can ‘get morphine if [he wants] it from an army friend’ but doesn’t. After stopping psychiatric medication he started drinking heavily. He now gets ‘lucid nightmares’ that are ‘powerful’ and ‘carry on during the day’. Sometimes, because of the PTSD, he ‘walks around town’ and sees people ‘walking about’ and it ‘disgusts [him]’. He thinks the PTSD is ‘worse than the bipolar’. He feels that people with mental health problems have ‘energy’ which can be ‘channelled’ into ‘positive’ things. He doesn’t like to call what he experiences ‘psychosis’ but thinks that it is the ‘best way he can describe it’ and says that he has ‘never hurt anybody’ and is ‘never violent’, although he says he does get ‘the God complex’ and ‘gives money away’. He gets hallucinations. He says that ‘because of [his] childhood, [he] couldn’t have a girlfriend’ but did fall in love when he was 26. Gary says that he has been under a section ‘many times’ when he has been ‘suicidal’. He finds that the staff ‘spend so much time doing paperwork’ they ‘don’t actually get out to talk to people’ on the ward. Gary now has ‘the best psychiatrist in the world’ who is ‘extremely intelligent’, but he used to have a ‘bad psychiatrist’ and feels that he shouldn’t have been practising. He has taken a lot of overdoses, and has had many severe attempts at suicide, including taking paracetomol over-doses and jumping off a high bridge.

 

Gary does a lot of exercise, including hill-running, and volunteers for the Highland User Group, as well as reading a lot. He has worked in schools and says that volunteering is one of ‘the most positive aspects of [his] life’. He feels that if he had ‘known more about mental health issues when [he] was a child, [he] might not be as bad as [he] is now’. When Gary has felt better, he says that there is ‘no social trigger’ and that it is ‘like a chemical imbalance’. When he is well he has people around for dinner, cooks a lot, and has learnt aromatherapy. However, he says he ‘hasn’t felt any form of happiness all year’. He thinks that ‘recovery for some people just doesn’t happen’. He would like to ‘go back to work’ and ‘have a functional life again’. 

Gary is now working with the Highland User Group (HUG) to provide more activities in in-patient units.

They have to spend so much time doing paperwork, where they’re in an office most of the time, so they don’t actually get out to talk to people etc. So HUG is actually working with them, to try and, how do you put it, get more activities nursing, like nurses who act more active etc because basically you go in there and you sit and watch television all day, or you sit in the smoking room and that’s it. You know, and it’s not good. So HUG are working with them and apparently we do have money for this now, for doing things like pottery, aromatherapy, you know, all that type of thing. Yes, so … because you know like, an occupational therapist?

 

Well there’s one there, but he’s not very good. Sorry there’s actually two there I tell a lie, who are not very good you know. I mean, and the time I got sectioned for three months, I was supposed to like see him, and he kept on saying oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ll some cooking, and we’ll do this or do that. And it never happened. You know, so … 

 

And what type of activities would you enjoy, you’re obviously into aromatherapy?

 

I like exercise. Art. I like paint. I’ve got a very open mind. I’ll try anything, you know, even if it’s something I’ve not tried before like sewing, knitting. That’s not quite true, I learnt to sew in the Army actually. Don’t ask why. So yes, anything. 

 

Gary's childhood was very difficult - his parents fought all the time, he was sexually abused and he was severely bullied by other children.

My Mum is an obsessional, my Dad was in the Army for a long time. And he came out of the Army like and was told he’d never work again because he had something in his brain that made him black out all the time. So he became an alcoholic. 

 

When I was growing up. First of all I got mentally bullied by children at school. Then it became physical, [tch] then it became quite extreme. Where I was getting beaten every day. Some of the things they used to do me, because like, because I don’t like heights, they were dangling me off like a cliff or they would beat to the ground and then like urinate over me. So I’d have to go home smelling of urine. 

 

So my life was, I’d wake up in the morning. My Mum and Dad would be shouting at each other. My Dad would become drunk… I’d go to school. I’d get beaten at school. I’d get beaten after school. I’d go home and my Mum and Dad were like shouting at each other. I’d have to go out and play with kids that were supposed to be my friends, so they would beat me again. At weekends, sometimes my Dad used to sexually abuse me. 

 

I didn’t have any escape, apart from reading. Sorry, this is why these things are so precious to me. All my friends are dead, Walter Benjamin, Spinoza, C G Jung. They’re all dead, but this was my only escape. I started to read story books at first, but I couldn’t read them. I don’t know. I couldn’t, I still don’t understand why, but I couldn’t read storybooks, I couldn’t get involved in reality. 

 

Gary volunteers for HUG in schools, increasing awareness of mental health issues.

When I came down here last year, I got in touch with mental health people called [place name] which is just like in the river and we did a talk there, and there was [name] us like, and they said, “Would you like to come along to our meetings and stuff as a volunteer?” And we said, “Yes, fine, I’ve got a lot of time on my hands, Jesus.” So I volunteered like one day a week and sometimes I go round schools. And I talk on mental health issues.

 

We when we go round schools, like usually, there’s usually at least three of us, so we give like a wide a range of mental health issues, like we talk about our experiences etc. you know, but we also say, “Look …” Say there’s a class of 30, we often say, “Look almost a third of you are going to experience some form of mental health at some point.” And one thing I say to them, “Is look, I was in the Army and I know, I’ve seen active action. Don’t be scared. Don’t be scared like to come forward like and see a doctor.” So that’s one thing I say.

 

And how have you found it doing work with HUG?

 

Good. Good. Very good actually. it’s one of the most positive aspects of my life. Being able to like make up for so many years, like I was involved in this, like you know, I didn’t, I knew there was something wrong with me. I didn’t know what was wrong and but in the last couple of years, like now, I’m just so much more positive about my mental health and okay I’ve got a problem and my psychiatrist says, he told me straight, “You’re never going to be cured. But what we can do is help you manage it better if possible, but you’re never going to be cured.” So I know I’ve got this for life. So it’s very positive for me like to go around places like and say like now okay, it just is. 

 

Gary feels that there is no such thing as recovery, and that his psychiatrist has told him he will never recover but only be able to manage his situation better.

What does recovery mean to you?

 

There’s no such thing. There’s no such thing. People, doctors, GP’s, nurses, whatever all try and say like you can recover from this. My psychiatrist, and this is why I respect him so much he says, you’re not going to recover. You’re going to have to spend your life… but what I can do is help you manage it better. So recovery for some people just doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t. So for some people who say oh can it can go through depression or… but may be like more mild to moderate illness. Okay, they are going to recover. But for somebody like me, no. I’m never going to recover. I’m going to be like this for life. And to be quite honest with you, even just now, I want to kill myself. I don’t want it … I just want to frigging die. And that’s the God’s honest truth. So hey ho, another day in Paradise.

 

When you’ve been working with your psychiatrist to manage it better, what does managing it better mean?

 

When I’m good making the most of the best times. When I’m bad, not taking overdoses basically.