Rachel - Interview 14
Rachel said she had a happy childhood until she was sexually abused by an elderly uncle. As a direct result she became anorexic and was then in touch with psychiatric services. Rachel's father died when she was 21, and she was hospitalised for the first time at 27. Now Rachel does voluntary work, does plenty of exercise, and has learned to be kind to herself.
Rachel does voluntary work, is in a relationship, and has no children. Ethnic background' White British.
More about me...
She has joined a gym under a scheme for improving the physical health of people with mental illness, and advises to people to be “kind” to themselves and not over-critical, to use insight and to “take a deep breath, take your courage in both hands, get all the help available to you, have the courage to work at it and give yourself time”.
Rachel thought something was going drastically wrong, thought the world was going to end, and saw visions of both heaven and hell.
Rachel thought something was going drastically wrong, thought the world was going to end, and saw visions of both heaven and hell.
When I was about 27, I realised something was going drastically wrong and I picked up the phone to my then GP and said, “I think I need to be in hospital. A psychiatric hospital.” It’s quite a renowned psychiatric hospital in this area. And her response to that was, “Well what do you want to go there for?” And that was the limit of the help I got from the GP at that time. And so I thought, oh my God I’m on my own. And with that avenue of help gone my mental health really, really deteriorated over the space of about four days. I just one night, I just woke up and I just heard a voice saying to me, “Do you really love your Father?” There was nobody else in the room. I was on my own. And I just remember thinking, yes, I do. Yes, I do. It’s like the whole of the top of your head comes off. There’s just this incredible rush of energy and, and hysteria almost. And, then I started to hallucinate visually, and I just saw this lovely garden, and I thought oh this is heaven.
And by that point I was completely lost because then I had an alternative to that, and I really believed I was going to hell. I thought I was dying. I thought I was going to hell. I’m not desperately religious. And I woke up and Mum came into the room and I was completely gone. And we were kind of left to deal with it for a couple of days. I didn’t understand what had happened to me. I really thought I was dying. So I picked up Bible [laughter in voice] and read Revelations which is not a very good thing to do. And for two minutes I actually believed that I was Christ, until I was logical enough to think, well I’m not male, so what’s happening? And eventually I stabbed myself in the liver with a knife, because I believed the world was going to end. I thought somebody was going to break into the house and murder my Mother, and the physical sensations I had of just being about to explode literally. I could feel myself inflating. I just did something out of desperation to stop that feeling.
Rachel 'lost the plot', was found by her neighbours, and ended back in hospital where she was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. She thought it was 'the end of her useful life'.
Rachel 'lost the plot', was found by her neighbours, and ended back in hospital where she was diagnosed with schizo-affective disorder. She thought it was 'the end of her useful life'.
I just lost the plot and was kind of found wandering along my neighbours who were brilliant and they took me in, and they got a doctor. And I don’t remember an awful lot about it. Because I was just in overload at that point, and, was not aware of what was going on. Apparently all I was saying was that I’d let everybody down. I’ve let everybody down. And they were incredibly good to me, and they got a locum from my GP’s surgery and she admitted me to hospital. And I was then given a diagnosis of schizo-affective disorder and I can remember [laughter in voice] the interview I had with the psychiatrist, just looking at if I was, you know, I thought I had manic depression or something like that. And she just said, “No I’m afraid it’s a bit worse than that.” And I just said to her, “Are you telling me that I’ve go schizophrenia?” And she said, “No. What do you do have is schizo-affective disorder.” And I thought that’s it. That is it. That’s the end of my useful life. And I think the [exhales] overall feeling then is that you are going to be like it for the rest of your life, and that is going to be your... experience in that you are going to be incredibly ill forever. And I think where hospital care can be lacking, or was, I’m talking about a while ago now, is that they don’t give you any further information. They just put you on a load of drugs.
Rachel found that she had to accept her diagnosis and thinks it is important that people ask for help. She thinks that what a carer needs to know and what a service user needs to know are sometimes different.
Rachel found that she had to accept her diagnosis and thinks it is important that people ask for help. She thinks that what a carer needs to know and what a service user needs to know are sometimes different.
The only thing you can do really, if you do want to come to terms with it, is to accept it. Say, okay, that is what I’ve got, what am I going to do about it. And... always, always ask for help. Always ask for help. You’re never on your own, and you’re not alone. And I think that initially is the biggest thing, the isolation that you feel, and I think that your family, carer or whatever feels. And I think because there is still this element of shame in the kind of older generation I think more than perhaps nowadays. But they don’t ask for help themselves and they don’t... discuss it. Which again in the initial phases is not an easy thing to do, because you’ve got so much you’ve got to deal with. And, again I think I would say that information is vital, but what a carer needs to know and what the service user needs to know, may not be the same thing at the same time, and that’s where you get an awful lot of conflict. Because in my experience your carer will want to know everything straight away. Me, as a person who is suffering from it would like to access it when I want to. Thank you very much. I don’t want a whole load of stuff on top everything else I’ve got to deal with.
Rachel said that being in public when she thought people were insulting her was incredibly undermining.
Rachel said that being in public when she thought people were insulting her was incredibly undermining.
From, well mental health services, you know, they’re absolutely wonderful. I mean if they’ve got, those on offer take them, take them, I mean there used to be, they treat them, and a lot of that has gone now. Yes. What can I say. So that when you were capable of, of doing something therapeutic, exercises and groups, you would do them to help you manage. You know, something like anxiety management. You know, anxiety is a process. It can be controlled [sniffs]. Relaxation. Brilliant. Mindfulness, again, is another group that was at day treatment.
Rachel found that a local Rethink group was a 'life saver' as it helped repair her relationship with her Mum. She found it useful to hear what other people had been going through.
Rachel found that a local Rethink group was a 'life saver' as it helped repair her relationship with her Mum. She found it useful to hear what other people had been going through.
Rachel feels that mental health groups are 'safe' as everyone is there for the same reason.
Rachel feels that mental health groups are 'safe' as everyone is there for the same reason.
Mental health groups are very safe. And incredibly important when it’s the early days. Because you need all the support you can get. You know, so things like the day treatment. Like being with people where you don’t have to explain, you know, where it’s a read, that’s what you’re there, that’s what you all suffer from. You don’t have to explain anything, you know, people accept you, you know, that’s it. If you don’t want to have a conversation with somebody or it’s too much for you, you can get up and leave. Nobody worries [sniffs]. It’s only in the last eighteen? Eighteen months? That I’ve felt confident enough to join things like a gym. The art group is something very recent and to be quite honest, you know, when they had a good old laugh, at their own expense, probably, if I was honest, I just thought well [blows raspberry] to you lot then. You know, if you’re going to be ignorant, I don’t want to know. And that is paid on... you know, by term, so, you know, if we don’t want to go back. My partner wasn’t there, and I’m really glad he wasn’t, because he would take it personally. And I didn’t. I just thought oh here we go again. What’s so funny? [laughs]. But it is, it’s, you have to be careful, because, you know, one, if you are hearing voices it can, that in itself is very persecutory and then if a member of the public or whoever does say something stupid, it’s not a good thing, and it can really ruin your day. I think, you know, at that point it’s important, to kind of pull your horns in and really concentrate on what’s going on for you at that moment, and deal with it. People are stupid sometimes. You know, the public as a whole can be fairly daft. It doesn’t mean that they know anything about you as a person, or that it is directed at you as a person. You’ll think that’s really important. And I think particularly when you’re young, particularly if you’re a teenager or in you twenties there’s so much that you think you have to do and so much that you to live up to and so much you think you’re going to be and want to have, and half of it you’re not going to get, you know, you’ll just beat yourself over the head, trying to do it. And that I think is one of the nice things about being a little bit older is that you don’t have to do that any more.
Rachel put on two stone taking medication and felt betrayed by a psychiatrist who told her it wouldn't lead to weight gain.
Rachel put on two stone taking medication and felt betrayed by a psychiatrist who told her it wouldn't lead to weight gain.
And I think where hospital care can be lacking, or was, I’m talking about a while ago now, is that they don’t give you any further information. They just put you on a load of drugs and [inhales] and I can remember having a discussion with this particular psychiatrist and saying, “I don’t want any kind of medication that’s going to make me put on weight, because on some of the antipsychotics you put on two or three stone.” And she was very much, “No, no, no. I’ve chosen this – it was risperidone – I’ve chosen this drug because it specifically does not put on weight.” Two stone later, no periods, complete mess. You know, you can imagine if you’ve got a history of an eating disorder, you know, you take that element of control away from somebody despite what they’ve said, on top of all the other problems they’ve got. And I actually had [laugher in voice] to tell my psychologist. I just said to her, I said, “Well just get this woman off my back.”
Rachel tries to get out for walks and has joined a gym with her partner to exercise during the winter.
Rachel tries to get out for walks and has joined a gym with her partner to exercise during the winter.
I eat once a day. I’m vegetarian. It doesn’t bother me. It’s something I do. I eat to live. Not live to eat. [sniffs] I go to the gym, and I think I walk a lot, you know, when, not obsessively, but obviously when the weather is reasonable, I get out in it. I get out in it. Through the winter both my partner and I go to the gym on a regular basis, and being as physically fit as you feel able to be, is really, really helpful. And in particular, and I never used to be able to run. But I’ve started over the last eight months to run on the treadmill. It’s brilliant for anxiety. Absolutely brilliant for anxiety. And we did that actually but through, it’s at the leisure centre, the local leisure centre, and we did it through an initiative that was put out to GP’s, which was to particularly emphasise physical health to people with mental health problems. [sniffs] And it was to, I think it was a free assessment that you have, because obviously before you go to a gym you have to know how to use the equipment. And obviously you are weighed and all the rest of it. And a lady just came, because you had to take your jumper off or whatever. She said, “Oh where did you get that scar.” Because I’ve got a scar from the sternum to belly where I took a knife to my liver. And I told her and I said, “I was very unwell.” She said, “Well, you’d have to be wouldn’t you dear.” You know, [laughs] and, but she thought initially it was a heart operation and she did a lot of work with cardiac patients. So I think as well, you know, the thing to realise is that a lot of professionals are a lot more up on mental ill health. It’s not the, stigmatising scar, that you think it is. You know, there’s a lot more understanding out there now. And it just takes a bit of courage to actually go along and do things like that.
Rachel says that although she doesn't have what some people would describe as a 'full life' she has a happy life.
Rachel says that although she doesn't have what some people would describe as a 'full life' she has a happy life.
Rachel didn't deal with the powerful feelings about her dad's death and her sexual abuse until years later.
Rachel didn't deal with the powerful feelings about her dad's death and her sexual abuse until years later.
Whenever I used to mention Dad, I just burst out crying. I mean I cried for hours. Hours and hours and hours. I think, I mean the main thing I had to come to terms with was a lot of anger. There was a lot of anger anyway about things, such as the sexual abuse issue and it was years before my resolve came. It was about 20, about 25 years, after the event that I actually did something about that. And found it was a group that was specifically for victims of childhood sexual abuse. And I think with my Dad and the overwhelming thing by the end of it was anger. It was anger with everything and everybody. And because, you know, …. [inhales] I didn’t deal with it at the time. And I think if you’re a thoughtful sensitive person then anger is, is not something that you deal with very well. You know, if you’re not used to these incredibly powerful overwhelming feelings of injustice, and hate [laughs]. I’ll be honest, yes. Yes. They’re very, very hard to deal with, and particularly if you’re quite isolated as well. You know, if you’ve kind of isolated yourself. [sniffs] It is very, very difficult. Yes.
Rachel finds that because her partner also has schizophrenia their relationship is complicated. She can also understand friends who are going through a hard time.
Rachel finds that because her partner also has schizophrenia their relationship is complicated. She can also understand friends who are going through a hard time.
I mean there are times, I’ll be honest when I think, oh God, you know, I can’t cope with this, but I wouldn’t be without him. You know, I think any relationship, either talking to friends or whatever, you know, any relationship has its ups and downs. It’s, you know... We have that kind of extra dynamic and we, I think, in a funny way, having the extremes of experiences that I have had has made me a fuller person. If I have friends who are in trouble emotionally, if they’re going through a really hard time, I’m there for them. I can understand, you know, they can talk to me, and that is a gift. You know, that is a gift. And, without being, you know, oh I can solve anybody’s problems. No. But the friends that I do have I have such a deep relationship with them that we can talk about anything. I mean absolutely anything. And we support each other which is vitally important, and I think so many people don’t have that, you know.