Ashleigh

Ashleigh talks about support from staff.

God I don’t know.

Because I can’t say we had like a bad experience, you know what I mean?

In some ways I sat and reflect and I think like the NHS don’t too bloody much ’cause it went on for a week.

It was like a week of hell of watching someone f*****g brain dead when you could’ve just gone like that with a needle.

Nobody wasn’t coming back.

I mean, I get why they can’t and all the rest of it.

But they were nice. All the staff were nice and know loads of nurses by personally.

So like someone a new worked in the intensive care used to do someone.

So I don’t think he was like ever like left or like mistreated.

Do you know what I mean? He has enough like eyes out there and people to advise on like what was gonna happen.

And the young dad, that young male nurse, he was, he was lovely.

Like he was happy to answer the questions and yeah, I mean he did make a point to saying "Your dad has been on this register."

Like this is what he wanted.

He made sure we knew that, but I knew that anyway.

So not, not was a shock but us, you know.

Ashleigh on the shock of death.

So, I’m actually, I’m a social worker.

My dad was 63 and he basically dropped down of a cardiac arrest on the 23rd

Of, yeah, I don’t even wanna to cry, but I’m gonna cry because it’s like three years on.

I dunno why when he just dropped down on the 23rd of December.

Like, he was fine, he was healthy.

We also, ’cause of covid, he hadn’t been the doctor’s office.

He had a chest infection. Um, and he got him back.

But as it, as time went on transpired, it took them 20 minutes to get him back.

So he was like brain dead.

So he was never gonna come back from me, but I all grown up.

He a tall fit, healthy man.

There was like, there was f*****g nothing wrong with him.

And then he was just, one minute he was there was next minute he was gone.

He was like brain dead.

So, he was in hospital in intensive care, the paramedics.

He tried to get him back and then it was Christmas day.

The doctor says, oh, it’s been gone 20 minutes.

And the penny dropped it, like, you know, you know, good to anyone after 20 minutes.

So on Boxing day the organ, donation nurses, um, you come around and they were taking like vials and vials of blood and all growing up.

We’d always talked. I told yeah, I’d be on the organ donnor register. It was never like, he never said he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t wanna do.

It was just always like a thing.

He was always happy to do it.

And then lo and behold he’d come to me and I thought him, yeah, a basic a fit and healthy man.

You what I mean? Like everyone definitely an at for a reason.

He’s died for a reason to give someone else like this Christmas miracle.

And I was saying to the organ donation nurse like, you’ll definitely get something from him.

Like, ’cause all those other organs were all fine issues, just horse and like packed and he’s had high blood pressure and all this.

So then that night he, he prepped him.

You took him down. And I didn’t realize that he, and he was saying to me, only like 1% of people get to be an organ donor.

You took him down, you’ve gotta die within that, that window.

And he didn’t die within the window, but it was mad.

Because then I felt like he was grieving for this other family that I don’t even know anything about.

But I thought, oh you know someone, someone’s gonna wake up and them, it’s gonna be all right for them this Christmas.

And they’re being prepped all night, you know, thinking they’re gonna, you know, their life might change for the better.

And then that didn’t work either.

So it just didn’t really, you feel like, what was the point?

I mean, get why you’ve got a die within a certain amount of time.

You need be organs to be tip top and all that for other people.

But, um, it just, it didn’t happen And I was, I was gutted for strangers, do you know what I mean?

But then, um, he did take his eyes and his eyes were donated to two different people, two different parts of the eyes, Donation, which is nice and all that.

But um, I dunno, it doesn’t feel the same.

It doesn’t feel like you’re given the gift that life.

Do you know what I mean? To someone else?

Unless, no, but yeah, that was it in the snapshots.

Don’t cry about him the way I used to now, but it was, it was the biggest shock of your life.

Because you just, it just, no one was expecting it, you know what I mean?

And I think that’s a lot with like a lot of organ donations.

You don’t get organs off sick people.

The all die, the old die quick. Do you know what I mean?

So it’s a shock of that. But yeah.

Ashleigh talks about the difficulties leading to organ donation.

Well, I dunno, it was a shock because he was, he was brain, I mean this is the thing,

I don’t even know whether it relates to donation, but he was brain dead.

But you’d talk to him and at the exact moment you’d say things, his eyes would water.

So it would make you wonder whether, are you really brain, do you know what I mean?

Are you really brain dead or not?

So I’d say like, oh me sister, like Stephanie’s beside herself.

And you’d go was the thought of him, do you know what I mean?

Doing all that. Um, he was just in a bed and you’d go into intensive care and the staff would like act like they were there.

And one time went in, he was having like seizures all the time.

So he was like, like shaking like in the bed.

But like, and I was hysterical and they were like, oh, you know, should we give him this or should we give him that?

I said, he’s gonna f*****g die anyway, just, just give it to him.

Just give, just give anything to me. Okay.

And then he got like a cold and I went in and the nurse was like putting myself up, but it’s also, he’s just been lying there like the care.

But all that time. But I didn’t stay there for long myself.

Like, you go in there, what can’t you do?

Do you know what I mean? I was pregnant at the time and I had my other son at home.

So it was timely limited for everything.

And you knew, I knew at that point he wasn’t gonna make it.

You were like waiting for them to die.

And I was saying to them, this is going on and just like end it.

And the doctor was like, well no, because that’s euthanasia and it’s illegal in this country and blah blah blah.

You ring up, you ring up and you have that same, that tune.

It’s in your head. And every time here I think, oh my God.

Because you’d be on hold waiting to, to speak to someone.

It’s just, and you’d ring up.

I mean Christmas Eve it is that, yeah, that happens on the 23rd and he'd had an operation he was in a coma.

You were. And on Christmas Eve I rang up and they said we are withdrawing the, knew the medication and the anesthetic.

And I was like, well how'd he react. You react to it.

And he went, and he wroke up and he didn’t react well to it.

So he was like, so he’s awake. So, ’cause I thought he’s not gonna like that ’cause he hasn’t knew what’s happened to me, didn’t like any like medical intervention.

And she was like, oh yeah, yeah, we also also have had to up against I, oh he’s gonna be fine.

Because he woken up. So it fine.

Christmas Eve it was all, and then Christmas day she was like, a bomb shell of like, because you only like one person at a time ’cause of all this covid thing.

And then they said to me, oh go and get your mum and if you want to speak to the doctor, because she obviously knew and you get fine, the nurses are going, oh, we don’t know.

We don’t know. You need to speak to a doctor and you all do frigging know you what I mean?

Instead of all the pussy footing around, he was, you just say, um, but he was only in there for a few.

He was in there until he’d done went talking down the organ donation thing.

Which again, it feels like a waste of time.

All these doctors are all work and the middle of Christmas standing around for three hours waiting for you sir, packing in and then it all comes to nothing.

Do you know what I mean? And then he, you get, we went to a palace of a ward and he was there for like days and days then.

And it was only when I said to him know, I said, when anything cry this time I said, you can go now.

He went that night. Do you know what I mean? Went new.

It was like New Year’s Eve, new Year’s day.

He went, it was just, I dunno, bizarre.

But then a bit of me think like he didn’t like medical intervention of any kind.

He never ever like, thank God he never got cancer ’cause he wouldn’t have dealt well. I thought it

Was the the best way to go for him when it comes to it.

Did he really like, I dunno s**t himself and didn’t want the organs taken.

Do you know what I mean? Because he was still there in the head.

He thought, oh no, no, no, you’re not doing. That’s amazing.

You know? I don’t know.

Is is there some, is the more, that’s the thing no one knows ’cause no one comes back.

I’m being brain dead. Really do, unless it’s some miracle.

Ashleigh talks about being told their Dad was on the register and filling in the documents.

We just went in.

Oh yeah, no, I was say because because he was the brain thing.

You were like, you need to think about what you want for him.

And your mum was like, well he’s not gonna wanna be in a here like the way he is now.

You’re just gonna keep him on a ventilator for the rest of his life.

Like, he’s never gonna wanted that.

And I just feel like I went in and it was Boxing Day and it was specifically boxing day.

It was a male nurse, like a young, a young nurse and he was lovely and all that.

And he was there like doing the rounds and it was, um, it was just like, yeah, I already had to talk about, so yeah, he would to talk about talking donation, just so you knew your dad was on the register.

So it was like he turned up and like they would already kind of had like a bit of a plan.

I think the doctor might have mentioned it on the Christmas day, but would’ve been in brief if, if she had, it wasn’t like a big thing because that was the bombshell of like, you know, he’s not coming back.

Because when if they sat on the doctor said, you either, either wake up and you’ll be all right.

He won’t wake up at all or you’ll wake up and he’s gonna have like significant needs type of thing.

And I never thought at that point I was not gonna not wake up like the naivete obviously.

Then on s having bomb shell with the boxing day, it was just this young lad and he was talking to us about it.

And then, um, there was another nurse taking all the blood outs.

And then I think me, mom and my sister then sat and done all forms.

I think there was forms to fill in or something and they sat with him.

I didn’t do that meeting. Yeah, they sat and done it all.

Yeah. But in didnt come it couldn’t come to anything.

Ashleigh discusses why people say no and gives recommendations to others.

I don’t know.

I just think you’ve gotta be a certain type of person.

Oh, I dunno. I mean grief affects people in different ways, but I think you’re quite selfish if you then turn around go, no, no, no, no, no, you’re not, you know, you’re not touching them ’cause he’s freaking the dead.

Do you know what I mean? Do you really want someone else to die and be like that?

But I dunno, people aren’t all the same or the worlds not a fair place and people are bitter about life and all that sort of stuff.

I dunno. Success stories really.

And I dunno, um, being clear, I think that’s probably the one thing that changed.

Look back, got a diary in like a, a certain amount of time.

I don’t think it, I totally got back, when it was that, that day.

Because I was waking, I woke up and remember bringing up and thinking, is it done?

Yes. Is it done yet? Like when no one rang, no one rang and it went on, it was like home like 12 o’clock before someone rang and said, oh actually I think if was a noon, nah, I’d have,

I had a different, a different view on it.

Something like, do you know what I mean?

I just, I dunno, it was, was very anxious time.

You’re constantly waiting for something.

Do you know what I mean? But then that’s, people say I’m selfish.

I think other people are selfish.

But I do just think like, why are you holding onto something to let someone else die?

It is selfish, isn’t it? You’re going anyway, the 1% thing.

Because you don’t get why that until you get the three hour thing in your head.

Do you know what I mean? Only 1% I think people think, oh you know, the nan’s died to cancer.

Someone could do, you know what I mean?

Just people just don’t know.

How hard it is.

I dunno, it’d be a brutal advert or a brutal thing to put to the public that if you acutely die, if you drop down dead suddenly that’s the only chance you’re gonna have it being an organ donnor.

So we don’t think it’s an easy task what you’ve got because that is the harsh reality of it, isn’t it?

You’ve got any other ailments in your body, it all impacts.

So, so yeah.

I don’t know. Maybe treat you through like a religious thing.

So saying there’s an no ch the church and all that, they more get people to come to terms with death and make dying easy and all that.

I dunno, that might be a better angle to like, to go down.

Like if you can’t do that, you know, God has give you this path to help someone else.

That might be a way of getting numbers up.

Me I don’t, I don’t.

Ashleigh's views on the law changed.

No, it was just say something like, you sign up and you get your driver’s license, you know, or you can go on the website and do it.

Probably just from like, um, when there’s been adverts, was years ago and they said you could be in organ donnor.

So it was just signed up from that.

I’ve never, never thought so of the law or how it applied until it happens.

Because you don’t think someone’s just gonna drop dead.

You think you get sick and get old, don’t you?

So, I don’t know.

I think probably more education for people on what it entails, but then it’s, it’s causing people to face their own mortality, isn’t it?

I think that’s the probably the biggest barrier you’ve got.

Because you don’t wanna think about it do you?

i'd probably done it unless he'd have turn round says, oh no, at some point.

But we’d have probably would’ve done it with a push on it at that point.

You were desperate for something good to come outta it.

Do you know what I mean? It was like, I think if you can’t, you can’t take them with you, then no go to anyone else.

Why would you leave someone else hang use who facing death?

Wouldn’t you want someone else to be okay when you feel know it wasn’t okay.

So.

Ashleigh introduces her Dad and family.

It was Anthony, but like he got called Tony.

Do you know what I mean? So, well he was with me mom, and me and my sister.

And then I had Alfie, who we loved his grandson.

And then I was pregnant at the time with Bella.

He knew it was coming up was dead excited for, and that was like part of the, part of the shock.

Do you know what I mean? I was like, we were all like excited for this like baby to come.

And then, and he was made up and he idolized Alfie and then, then Alfie idolized him and he’s just gone like that.

It’s mad. It’s mad.

Well, life’s not fair, and do you know what I mean?

There’s like worse things in the world, do you know what I mean?

And I know people my age with cancer, you know what I mean?

And all that sort of stuff. So you know, you can justify him getting to 63 and go and like quite quickly compared to like how when happens to other people.

So I try, I don’t dwell on it like the way I used to do you know what I mean?

But yeah. And he worked um,

he was like HGV drive and he worked for like the same place for like 47 years.

Like he loved his job like doing house removals.

He was just like his dead active man.

He didn’t like always done you a favor.

Like no one was ever too much to ask.

Like yeah, he was a good person. I think one, two now.

Do you know what I mean? And him, yeah.

You know, like Alfie remembers him and all that.

Don’t think Bella's got a clue because she’s only two.

But, yeah, they both find like Bella got us all through, do you know what I mean?

Because it was so exciting to look for over to and all that.

But, and me sister, since I had a baby girl and called Niah like the family’s grandma.

Do you know what I mean? I know me mom said like, have old days that I had had to be on Christmas.

It couldn’t have been any other time of year or could it have been a week later or something.

Do you know what I mean? But it is what it is.

Ashleigh talks about post care support.

Our life.

And she helped to be fair.

She’s, she was very good, you know what I mean?

She’d go in and got like, and she made the effort.

And I think she was the one who probably pushed for like, his eyes to be done.

So, we all then felt like something good had come of it. Because I think they get more eye tissue and all that than what they do organs.

Because we got like a little badge in then. This certificate.

She just sorted all that out, all that I wouldn’t have known.

Do you know what I mean? And she was all like, I’m sorry you haven’t got this.

It was like people were supposed to get it.

I didn’t, I didn’t know up.

Wouldn’t have chased it up anyway, do you know what I mean?

But yeah, it was nice because it was some kind of recognition, like it wasn’t all for nothing.

Do you know what I mean?