Recurrent Vulvovaginal Thrush

It... and I think it definitely affected like my mental health because I was just getting really down about it, obviously when it starts to spread into other areas of your life, like intimacy and... don't know, just your general like level of happiness, when it’s constantly something that’s on your mind, you're just like you get so fed up with it that it then... yeah, it does affect your mental health and it can be quite challenging because there’s... there’s not always a quick fix, sort of thing, especially when like the treatments aren't working as they're meant to for you, or you know you've just got over one flare-up and now you're having another one, and you're like, ‘just give me a break,’ sort of thing, it’s just... yeah, it’s quite... I don't know, even I'd go as far as saying a bit soul-destroying at times. I don't think unless you go through it, you can really realise how much it can just disrupt your life and make it so hard.

So yeah, I'm in a... a greater position now because it was... yeah, it was destroying my life if I'm honest, it was... it was really hard and I just was kind of like, ‘is this my life now, is this what it’s going to be like?’ and it was, yeah, sort of affecting all sorts of different areas, like obviously my relationship and just my day-to-day happiness of just constantly being like uncomfortable, it was just... it was like hell really. But yeah, that’s it in a nutshell really.

“I think it... it’s something which can affect you emotionally in a way that when you don’t feel... when you feel that it’s... you have a discomfort, it’s something which you... in your mind, and you end up thinking... visiting a GPs. It’s much easier because I feel like if something is not right on my body, I’m someone who really recognise a difference, so yeah, it will be always in your mind thinking, ‘what is this?’ You know? I might be different from other but when I’m... I don’t have that outcome or ability in me, something is itching or something is... is just a discomfort, yeah, I felt like it affects your mind, something like that.”

It’s almost like I have to live with it now, and I don't know, I can't remember a time where I've not had it, and I'm... some months I'm really OK with it, other times I'm getting quite hot and flustered inside because it... there’s something going on down there, and I've got the little ones and I know when I'm... it... sometimes I'm a bit short with them and I'm... you know that isn’t my parenting style and I'm like, ‘oh my gosh, I need this to go,’ because my patience is really low because I know there’s something going on, and you know like if you've got anything that’s going wrong with it, you know and for me anyway I get really hot and flustered, and also because I'm obviously due on my period and it’s all sort of at the same time, it’s a lot all in one go and then trying to do everything, you know I've got a family nearly all the time and I want to make sure my water’s in the fridge, anything to try and cool me down and distract me a little bit because it is taking the toll of my life, and generally I'm a really up but... like upbeat person, I've got kids and I try and be the best I can for them and then sometimes I have this and it’s like [sighs] I don’t have the patience for this today because there’s... there’s a lot going on down there, and then obviously like I said it always... it’s around my period, so that’s... I think my period symptoms are a little bit worse than what... what I can remember anyway, I feel really... again the soreness and all the rest of it’s there but I also feel quite hot and flustered, which I never used to have before.

I think it’s... it made me a lot more irritable, but it makes me a lot more irritable when I'm having symptoms of that because I'm just like I'm so... discomfort, I'm just... I’m like quietly angry at my own body, so it’s easy if... I've got a much shorter fuse than I do, otherwise which is normally not too bad because I'm quite... I'm a relatively calm person I like the think, but if something else annoys me, and I'm also having thrush symptoms, then I'm going to be a lot snappier about it because I'm just like at the end of my tether a little bit with my own body at that point, so I do think it makes me a little bit stroppier than I normally would be.

It also brought up my depression; I felt so low. I also... I'm not an optimist and I'm not a pessimist, I'm a realist, and I was... and that thinking of that I have of like, ‘OK, in a couple of weeks I'm going to be fine, I'm going to be over this part and I'm going to look back and reflect on it, learn from it, but move forward,’ it just felt like I was in a never-ending cycle of woe. Like I said to you, I stopped dating, I didn't want to be around or have any sort of... and sort of sexual contact with... with guys or anything, I... so I just literally shutdown and stopped going out as well because I was so uncomfortable at times, and trying to explain to people that... at the time it was just... I didn't want to go into why I was feeling so uncomfortable.

It’s like you’re seated amongst a group of people and you’re talking to them and everyone thinks... you know, and everyone is happy, at the back of your mind you’re thinking, ‘OK, maybe there’s something wrong with me, am I smelling, am I not smelling, is it going, is it going to progress?’ It’s... it’s... it adds another fear. Because when you... the more you’re upset about it and now you’re thinking, ‘maybe I’ve got cervical cancer?’ So it’s like at any given moment you are thinking about something, and because now there is not really... or maybe because I’ve not really got the medical help that I need to deal with the situation, so it seems like it’s... like now it’s recurring more often and it’s making me even more worried as to what is really wrong with me, if it’s on a physical level with some, this really affects my mental health as well because instead of thinking about other things, or enjoying myself, I’m finding myself constantly thinking, ‘why is this happening?’.

And I guess it is just one way in which like if something’s going on with your body, and something that’s quite noticeable like on a day-to-day basis, like if you’re dealing with symptoms of thrush, like you know about it, and if it keeps coming back, then you know about it, like it’s not nice to feel like you’re out of control with your... like you don’t have a sense of control over your body.

I think it probably impacted... I mean this is mental health, I think it probably impacted my sense of self in terms of just feeling defective as a woman, and... and I... I also find it really... I find it really interesting, my relationship with being a woman has changed, and I imagine it will continue to change... but when I think about that period of time, I really think that I was like at war with my vagina, and I just wanted to have a different one; whereas I think now, when I get thrush, antibiotics are a separate event, but like if I get thrush naturally, I normally go, ‘oh hang on, let me just figure out what’s going on: am I stressed? Am I eating properly? Am I tired? Have I been drinking too much?’ And like I view it more as like... I mean it’s very uncomfortable, but it... it’s far rarer now, but if I get it now, I think my experience of my body is quite different and so I view it more as my vagina talking to me; whereas I used to view it as my vagina trying to ruin my life.

So, I'm also interested in when you've got any kind of dis-ease within such an intimate part of your body, I'm also quite interesting in, ‘well, what’s the effect psychologically of that as well,’ because it’s not then something you can just openly talk to your friends about. You know and your friends say, ‘how are you?’ Like 90% of you might be fine, but you've got this 10% that’s burning, itching, making... you know it doesn't... it doesn't ever... you know you can't stop thinking about it, whatever, and I'm also interested in that whole kind of... the mental health side of it really because I think it’s... I think it... and I think it’s really tough to live with actually all of this.

I quite often think, ‘oh God, wouldn't a broken wrist be easier?’ you know on some level people would be like, ‘oh, that looks sore and how... and where did it happen?’ you know you have some kind of conversation, but there’s no acknowledgement of a burning sensation down there because you... unless you're with a close buddy, you're just not going to bring it up, so you're just standing there talking to somebody with this... all this pain going on, which... [laughs] you know and it’s like you... your dishonouring your experience you know most the... most of the day you're in the public domain, you're dishonouring your experience, and I think that has a really big effect on your psychology you know because you're not able to kind of own it, you know and just be... be like, yeah, it’s shit, but it’s OK, but I... you know but it’s... I'd rather tell people, but obviously you have to be very mindful of who you tell and when and all of that, you know.

I think my... my mental health around the whole thing is more the exhaustion I'm having to constantly fight for your health and advocate for your health, I would say that’s probably more the side of it. And having like the anxiety of having to ring the GP and try and get an appointment is something I've always experienced for a long time, it’s kind of sitting on hold for like 25 minutes and then they finally answer and it’s like, ‘ouu, ha...’ and I like lose my words, so that’s probably one of the only like mental side of things that it would affect me. But work: not... not necessarily. I guess the booking of hospital appoint... doctors’ appointments and things like that is where it kind of can sometimes infringe on the work I do, but I work in health care so they're all pretty comfortable and pretty open about the whole thing, so yeah, not... not so much on that side.

But yeah, the anxiety around it, I just try and meditate and just... I do like [laughs] acceptance meditations to just try and like accept that this is reality rather than trying to find a solution, because I think I would have found a solution by now with how hard I've worked towards one, so I just try and accept that this is reality.