Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy
The impact of losing a baby on the relationship with a partner
Losing a baby between 20 and 24 weeks of pregnancy had a big impact on relationships, in particular with a partner. Many parents we spoke to found that they grieved in different ways and that this led to difficulties in their relationship.
Grieving differently
Often mothers we spoke to felt their grief was instant. They wanted to talk more about the loss of their baby than their partner who often didn’t speak about their loss. Some women felt this meant fathers had got over their loss more quickly or that their grief was delayed, but it was often just that fathers expressed their grief in different ways. As we spoke to more mothers than fathers, here we report more about what women said about their partner rather than what their partner said themselves. Vikki felt her partner dealt with her daughter’s death “a lot quicker, I think, than I did. But I think men - obviously, they deal with it completely differently anyway.” Some mothers reported that their partners used alcohol as a way of coping with their loss.
Kamie felt she wanted to talk more about their loss than her partner Dale.
Kamie felt she wanted to talk more about their loss than her partner Dale.
Mmm. Do you think you've both grieved differently with Lottie, or?
I mean, we. Like Dale didn't want me to keep talking about it, whereas I wanted to talk about it. You do think of them every day. But knowing that you shouldn't really talk about them every day, you know. But I did feel like we was going like that. But we kind of stuck together, and muddled through, and tried to support each other in different ways.
What do you think has helped? What's been good?
Just having that year, just to have family time. And enjoy each other again, and. Do things. And make memories, and just making the –
Do you mean having the time off work?
Yeah, it helped. Like we went on holiday. We went abroad twice. Went to Cyprus, we went to Turkey. Just having that time, just to sort your head out. Yeah. It helped loads. Even though like financially you're a bit stuffed, but you knew you had your maternity pay. That helped. And it helped us get by. Collette felt women were more likely to talk about their loss than their partners.
Collette felt women were more likely to talk about their loss than their partners.
Channel it. Mmm.
They rage, and they do what they need to do, and then 'boom', they're off. And I think possibly it's down to your genetics, it's down to how we are made. You know, us women are so nurturing and - you know - we're the ones that carry the baby, we birth the baby. You know, and you produce milk, you - It's in your genetics. And it's probably very different for them.David Z felt helpless at being able to comfort his wife after the loss of their baby.
David Z felt helpless at being able to comfort his wife after the loss of their baby.
Collette expected her husband would be the one person that could share her pain and found it extremely difficult that they grieved so differently.
Collette expected her husband would be the one person that could share her pain and found it extremely difficult that they grieved so differently.
Friends warned me. They were like, "Men and women grieve very differently." And it drove a very big wedge between me and my husband, because he was the one person that I thought understood, and could kind of share my pain by being like me in the grief process.
And we were alien to one another in the way that we dealt with it. And that was hard, too. You know, we were strangers, and we slept in separate rooms, and we just could not - I couldn't get out of bed. He couldn't wait to get out of bed. You know? I couldn't eat. He drank and drank and drank. It was, it was fascinating. Fascinating how different we were in the grief process.
And I think I was very unaccepting of his way of grief, because it was so alien to me. And I guess once my Mum had stayed for a few months and left, I was alone. I had no family here.
And he was the person that I would have expected to pick up the pieces when he was dealing with it as well. You know, that was probably - well, not probably, is incredibly selfish of me to have expected that of him. And at the time, I could not understand what was wrong with him. Very alien - very alienating. Very painful. And I don't know how you get round that. Don't know how you get around that you are different people. And even though this one thing joins you, it very much divides you too.Courtney felt at first her relationship with her husband was stronger than ever but found it difficult when her husband seemed to heal faster.
Courtney felt at first her relationship with her husband was stronger than ever but found it difficult when her husband seemed to heal faster.
And then your grieving pattern differs. You know? It is very different. Because yeah, my body had to change a lot. You know? And on a monthly basis I was still bleeding excessively. Then I went through another miscarriage. And your hormones as a woman, it changes completely as well. As a male, you obviously don't feel that. And, so it took - it was faster for my husband to get healed faster. Whereas for me, it's taken a lot longer. So our paths sort of widened. We still stayed, stayed on the same length, and we're still strong and everything. But you know, you just have different views of certain things. And you know, you're not - maybe you're not as close as you normally are, because you don't want to say something because you might upset the other person with it, who don't feel like that. And you know, it's - it's very - It becomes very up and down, and. Intimacy is very difficult. Because obviously - sometimes, and I hear this from a lot of people. Sometimes after, you're like 'we want to try again, we want to try again'.
And then after a while you're like 'no, I don't want to do this at all, I don't even want children'. And then you sort of are afraid to discuss it. Whereas previously, the conversations you would have would be about your future, and how excited and, 'we're going to do this together, and we're going to do that together'. And, 'and we're going to have this family'. But, and reality - it's sort of like reality kicks in.
And now the conversations you have aren't 'let's do this, let's do that', it's 'well really, can we do this?'
It's like - And, and then when you think to yourself 'no, we can't', you're just like 'well, what's the point in even thinking that?'
So that's really tough. Because you're trying to build a new path of the relationship that you didn't see, but you're trying to stay on the same level together. But you don't know where it's going to go.
Parents were aware of the impact stressful life events can have on relationships. Sarah described how it was “one of the most important things for us, to make sure that we stayed close during our grieving, that it was something we did together.” Joelle and Adam were “very aware that… the statistics of marriages not working, were quite high.” Sadly for some couples losing their baby had such a profound impact on their relationship that they split up.
Sarah and her husband took turns taking care of each other.
Sarah and her husband took turns taking care of each other.
That was - I think that was one of the most important things for us, to make sure that we stayed close during our grieving, that it was something we did together.
And also allowing him - allowing him to be a grieving parent as well. Rather than it being all on me. So that we did - we took care of each other, not just - it wasn't just one-sided.
Maxine and Steve described how they lit candles to help communicate their feelings to each other.
Maxine and Steve described how they lit candles to help communicate their feelings to each other.
Steve: Yeah. Just having an alright day or something, or whatever.
Maxine: And just in my head be thinking something different.
[both talking at the same time]
Steve: But when I say it-
Maxine: But to you, I kind of go, "Well why are you asking that question?"
Steve: Well, I know - Yeah. You know what I mean?
Maxine: Don't be so silly.
Steve: And then like the, the - The way the like the –
Maxine: The chaplain.
Steve: The chaplain said is, "Light a candle." So you light a candle. And then it's not a good day, because otherwise I keep asking the same - you know? And they said to me, "Steve, you'll ask a question to Maxine - are you okay - and she'll probably say no."
Maxine: [laughing]
Steve: Ah, and then you think, oh for heaven’s sake, yeah, yeah, I know, I stupidly asked that question. And they say "Oh, you know, if you light a candle, then you know that Maxine's not good, or."
Maxine: Stay out of the room. Don't come near.
Steve: Yeah, that's it. That's it. Or if I'm not happy, light a candle. 'Oh, Steve's not good today, better walk away'. And you don't, do you. You know what I mean? But it, it's a way of trying to communicate, isn't it? You know what I mean?
Maxine: Mmm.
Steve: But I think just say like, you know, "Oh, are you okay?" Oh, sorry - putting my foot in it again. No. You know what I mean? But.
Maxine: Mmm.
Steve: You are, like physically. But like Maxine's saying, emotionally –
Maxine: Emotionally.
Steve: You know - know what I mean? So.
Maxine: Yeah, I think what you find is, you can have - You can have days - You don't have good days. You have okay days.
And then you just have days that creep up that are, are just –
Steve: Yeah.
Maxine: - they're the darkest days you could ever imagine.David Z felt that giving time to listen to each other and talk about things together helped.
David Z felt that giving time to listen to each other and talk about things together helped.
Because if you're not comfortable, you're not going to go through. You're not going to get over. Because you're going to be forced to the situation that you're not happy, and, and you just want to get out of that situation. And what you do is at some point you can, you can be stressed and aggressive and you want to leave, and, ah, that's it, that's not the point, that's not how to, you do things. So, yeah. My advice is this, is just to actually look, think about yourself, you know? As a father. So, how am I feeling? Do I want to talk about it? Is it the right time? Or who I want to talk- Do I want to talk about it with my wife? No, maybe not. Maybe you want to talk about it with, I don't know - go to somewhere and talk to somebody else - just do it. Whatever makes you feel better, do it. Because if you feel better, then you will go home, and because you're feeling better you will open up to, to your partner. And then you, you will actually be able to sit down and understand her, and listen to her, and - and it's a relief when you can talk. And, and let it out. And you see that the other person is listening to you. Yeah. Think it's just - just understand what you need, no? As a father, what do you want? Do you want to talk about it? Yes, or no. Is it the right moment? With who? And when? On your own terms, that's it. Whatever you need. That's what I would say. For whoever has to go through this.
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