Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy
Coping with loss of a baby at 20 to 24 weeks of pregnancy
Experiences of grief
For parents, the loss of their baby was extremely painful and represented the loss of a whole future. Carly described how: “Your whole world's destroyed in a second and all the things that you thought you would do, you just - you can't do them any more”. Michelle explained: “You've lost a baby, but you've lost everyone's expectations, you know, all the life you were expecting“.
Michelle and Ian felt they would never get over their loss but got used to living with it.
Michelle and Ian felt they would never get over their loss but got used to living with it.
We would say we're definitely nicer people, more empathetic.
Ian: Oh, absolutely. Absolutely.
Michelle: And connected with people at a lot deeper level because of Arthur.
Ian: I think scar is a really good description. Because it's - you're assimilating it into your life, aren't you. It's a part of you. You're not ignoring it. You're acknowledging it. It doesn't completely take over and control you, but neither is it ever not there. You know.
You know, so it's not an open wound that needs emergency attention all of the time. Of course there'll be moments when it might just tear a bit, and you give it a bit of emergency attention, you know.Vikki Z felt that while she would always miss her child, over time she was starting to enjoy life again.
Vikki Z felt that while she would always miss her child, over time she was starting to enjoy life again.
And somebody said to me - it was somebody at - somebody said to me, "It's going to be two years." Somebody in a very similar situation that had lost a baby at the same time, "It's going to be two years." And I just - I remember thinking, six weeks or so after I'd lost the baby, 'two years - I can't deal with feeling like this for two years'. They were right. It does. It takes a long time. It does take a long time. And I'm not saying that those two years were all entirely bad, but it really - it really is, it's a long period of time before - It was pretty much two years to the day, almost, until I started to feel that I was getting back to myself, my old self, and really enjoying things, and. Yeah. Enjoying life. So it does take time. But it does, you know - things do get better. Yeah. Happiness does back. Because I just thought it wouldn't. I just thought there's no way I could ever be happy again. But, but yeah. You definitely can.Camille felt she was learning to deal with her emotions but the pain “never leaves you”.
Camille felt she was learning to deal with her emotions but the pain “never leaves you”.
Anxiety
Some experienced panic attacks and anxiety after the birth while others had trouble sleeping. For Maxine’s anxiety felt like a physical pain “where you can’t breathe”. Many women developed anxiety about health problems. Vikki Z said she “had a real problem with anxiety afterwards… It was as if my brain had changed its way of thinking. It was like I was always on high alert”. Michelle felt she lost confidence in trusting her own instincts about her body because she hadn’t been aware that her baby had died during her pregnancy.
Anger
Several parents talked about their feelings of anger after the birth especially when seeing women who were not looking after themselves and their baby by smoking during pregnancy. Kamie questioned why life was so unfair “when you don't do nothing wrong, and you do everything by the book, and you still don't get your prize at the end”.
Grieving at different paces
Parents experienced grief at very different stages. Michelle described how “You know, if it doesn't hit you on the bum in three months, it might in a year, and that's okay.” Kerry unexpectedly found her baby’s memory box many years after her loss which triggered renewed grieving. Parents felt their grief could be brought on unexpectedly by anything such as seeing a picture, or hearing music played at their baby’s funeral.
Lisa could never predict what would trigger her grief.
Lisa could never predict what would trigger her grief.
And I did. And then - yeah, just later just burst into tears there. But I don't - I don't know if that was a bad or a good thing. Because I guess it reminds people that maybe you're not a hundred percent. But I can't say what would trigger that. You know, people say to you, "Oh, is it because it's coming due date?" Maybe. I don't know. Like to me, it was just a bad day. Like there was no - I guess there are other times when you've been away and had you know, there's been everybody that's pregnant, and somebody was celebrating someone's - you know - whatever. Like someone's just had a baby, or - And it was like too much for one weekend.
I guess that, when it's too much all at one time. But yeah, I don't know other than that. Yeah. The triggers don't always make sense to me.
One day it can be one thing, and the next day I can be fine with it. So I don't - and I guess part of it is learning to celebrate with people, at the same time as feeling loss.
Which is - yeah. It seems to be something I'm learning.Carly felt that while her grief would never go away, it did get easier.
Carly felt that while her grief would never go away, it did get easier.
You know, even if I don't talk about her as much, I think about her constantly. And what she would have been doing, and how old she would be, and - you know - we keep her alive in our house. Like I'll talk to [my son] still about her, and tell him he's got a sister that lives in heaven now, and . But it's - it does get easier. It never goes away, but it'll get a lot easier. David found his grief was triggered several years later after a traumatic event.
David found his grief was triggered several years later after a traumatic event.
But the follow-on from that was I got back in the car, Elaine had driven. Got back in the car, and we stuck the radio on about nine o'clock. We went early as well, it was nine, nine-thirty. And the news started to filter through. And it dawned on me, well - you know - that's where I work, that's the bus I would have taken, you know? It's the route I would have taken. And I had a breakdown. I went into - my brain switched off. And Elaine phoned the doctor, and the doctor - I had two weeks in [acute mental health treatment centre]. And I don't know what clicked in, but it took them six months to realise that I had the association of losing Lauren, and not dealing with it, and the possible death and carnage that I wasn't around - something clicked in my mind, brain, and it switched it off. And I spent six months in - Two months - Two, two weeks in the hospital, [acute mental health treatment centre]. And another six months as an outpatient having therapy to get over, over it. I couldn't go on a train, I couldn't do anything. Couldn't - I didn't want to go back to work. And it took till - from July until end of December, for me to get back to normality, and get over that. But they two things together, as a cause of that breakdown. And that's because I didn't deal with Lauren's stillborn as perhaps I should have. I didn't have the network. You know, the man gets on with it, goes back to work, carries on as normal. He's just lost a baby, what difference? You know? You've got to earn a crust. And get back to normality. And that's basically not good, a good thing in any way. And there should be something more for the man as well as the complete network support for the lady, the woman who's just lost that baby. So, there's nothing there for the guy. Should be more for the man, and there should be a lot more for the woman. And that's my story.Lindsay found the first anniversary of her baby’s birth much harder than the day itself.
Lindsay found the first anniversary of her baby’s birth much harder than the day itself.
And we did end up sort of pulling it together and having a day out. And then the next day it was kind of all done with. It was almost like 'oh, well now it's just Sunday and it's just another day without him'. So the grief didn't continue on after that. But it was almost worse than the actual event. I think because at the event, when I gave birth to him, there was so much shock and so much medical intervention, and so busy - you kind of didn't really process at that time what was happening. And then that processing has, is continuing to happen. Whereas on his birthday, it was almost like you lived it again, but without the cushion of people in and out all the time, and the shock. And, you know. It was - you were just left to deal with it. Which, yeah, it was kind of harder, that first year anniversary, than his actual birth day.When Michelle had her first period it triggered a physical memory of her loss.
When Michelle had her first period it triggered a physical memory of her loss.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: And in some ways that was really comforting, because it was a memory of 'no wonder it hurts, because I gave birth to a baby' memory.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: But the other thing was actually quite shocking.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: Because it just took me back there, like in an instant. Put my knickers down, pfft, I'm there. So, to have things like that said to you. That you know, when you have a period, you'll have mixed emotions, but just to be aware the smell was very similar. Really simple to say. Carly really appreciated it when people were sensitive about telling her they were pregnant.
Carly really appreciated it when people were sensitive about telling her they were pregnant.
I still struggle like with that now. I don't like pregnancy announcements when it comes from nowhere. You know, like I like - I like to be alone, when I find out. Because sometimes my reaction might be to burst into tears.
So, telling me like one on one is - it's better than, you know, finding out another way.
I had Facebook, and I had to delete everybody who was pregnant. Or had just had a baby. Or was a grandmother who'd just had a grandkid. Like I just had to get rid of it all, because I couldn't - I just couldn't cope with having it pop up, like unexpectedly on me. It just felt like someone was kicking me in the stomach, whenever I'd hear about - you know - someone having a baby. And all I could think was why my baby? You know? Why is everybody else having a baby, but my baby died? Like it, it just felt so cruel. And just unfair. It still feels like that now. Like I still feel like it, like it's unfair. But I've come to terms with it a bit more. But in the early days, that was rough. I didn't like going out. Just I didn't know if I'd bump into someone who was pregnant, or see someone with a newborn. Boys were not as bad, but girls I couldn't - couldn't deal with it at all.
So I sort of - I lost a lot of confidence, even just going out. Like going out anywhere was like a chore. Like at first I needed someone with me all the time. I just didn't want to be alone. So it took quite a long time like for me to build up the confidence even just to go out. Even going to the GP was tough at first. But eventually it got better. I'm still not that - . I don't think I'm back to a hundred percent where I was before she died.
Like I'm not keen on big crowds. And I find it easier to be around people who already know. Sharon’s husband found it hard when he was asked whether he had children.
Sharon’s husband found it hard when he was asked whether he had children.
Parents found a variety of ways to help them cope with their grief. Some parents found they needed to get away from the house they lived in when they lost their baby. Kirsty felt “We had to move house, once we'd had her because I'd started to have her in that house and I didn't want to stay there”.
Many parents felt taking time off work after the birth was essential although parents’ entitlements to leave depended on whether or not their baby was live born. Others felt the need to get back to work and be “busy, busy, busy, busy”. Sam found it helpful to always take the week off work of her baby’s birthday to spend time on her own.
Asun appreciated her maternity leave as it gave her time to heal and meant she didn’t have to worry about having a long period of sick leave on her CV.
Asun appreciated her maternity leave as it gave her time to heal and meant she didn’t have to worry about having a long period of sick leave on her CV.
And he's given me this time off, as well to recover. So he has been kind to Mummy. Yeah.
How do you think it would have been without that maternity leave?
[Sigh] I don't know. I don't know. Because. The thing is, it [sigh]. Being off sick for a long time, it doesn't look good on your CV. So it would have been more difficult. I don't know if I would be off now. Because I'm taking six months.
I'm back in July. And not only that, of course it's just that I guess the healing process you need to go through is - it's pressure, somehow. Because you have, you have in the back of your mind, 'oh, I must get back to work'. So I guess you can’t fully - you can’t take it on your own time, I guess. And I think it's not fair. Because for me it would have been the same. But if he had been born dead, I wouldn't have had maternity leave. And it would have been a matter of three hours. Because he was born quarter to ten. If he had been born after midnight, I would have had maternity leave because he was twenty four weeks. But for me, those three hours - they don't make any difference. So for me, it would have been the same.
But it would have meant I wouldn't have had the time to heal or recover, or started to come to terms with what happened in my own time, and without pressure there. So I want to think it was him, who gave me the time. Because he did. Yeah, because he - if he had been born after midnight, he was - he would have been twenty four weeks already, and they will have had to resuscitate him, or try to. And that would have been a very different picture for me, as well. Because I didn't want him to suffer.Kerry went back to work after three days. Working long nights was her way of coping.
Kerry went back to work after three days. Working long nights was her way of coping.
Lindsay felt she needed to get pregnant to fill the void in her life.
Lindsay felt she needed to get pregnant to fill the void in her life.
Mentally, or any kind of way. And so therefore I needed to get pregnant again, so that there could be some kind of hope at the end of this story. And so that yeah, the focus of my life could shift slightly, even if my grief doesn't. If that makes sense. Helen found the only people who really understood her grief were those who had also experienced loss.
Helen found the only people who really understood her grief were those who had also experienced loss.
You know, whereas my Mum and my sister and my friends wanted to know - they wanted to help, and they wanted to support, but they didn't know what questions to ask, they didn't know - Well, and also sometimes I didn't want to talk about them. I just wanted them to get it. I wanted them to read my mind. Whereas the women that had been through it, could read my mind because they'd been there, done it. You know? Might be a completely different reason why they lost. But they knew what it was like to be having conversations like that with NHS professionals, which you don't want to be doing.Matthew described how fundraising for Sands was the moment he felt he was able to move on.
Matthew described how fundraising for Sands was the moment he felt he was able to move on.
And that to me, I felt for the first time that I could say that something good had come from it. Because we raised about £1,000. So I could finally say, well - Up until that point, it was like that there was nothing, nothing positive to say about the situation. And I think after that, I think after that I felt differently. That was almost like - I was able to move on.
Because up until then it was like I was going out running every couple of days, and the whole reason I was doing it, was sort of always there at the forefront of my mind, and. Kirsty had been in contact with Sands, and we were getting t-shirts, and sort of trying to raise money about it. And so it, it was - it was almost like it was a constant daily reminder about it. And, and that to me - That for me sort of put - it was a moment where I was able to say 'okay, I think I - I think I'm able to, to move on from this'.
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