Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy
Experiences of giving birth at 20 to 24 weeks of pregnancy
Going through labour and birth knowing that their baby had already died or would not survive was extremely difficult and emotional. Some mothers felt they were fighting their own body to stop their contractions as giving birth meant the end of their pregnancy and their baby’s life. However, despite their loss and intense sad emotions, many also described extremely powerful positive experiences during the birth.
Camille described how her emotions ranged from fighting against her contractions to the “magical moment” when she gave birth to her daughter.
Camille described how her emotions ranged from fighting against her contractions to the “magical moment” when she gave birth to her daughter.
Even though their baby was extremely premature, mothers had to labour and give birth to their baby. The physical pain of labour and birth was often very intense and came as a shock. Those mothers who had previously given birth were more aware of what to expect, and this helped manage their pain and emotions. For first time mothers, they had no experience to draw on. Kelly described labour as “a really horrible experience” but her midwife’s explanation of what to expect meant “I was able to manage it a lot better emotionally”.
Emily didn’t want to go through labour but appreciated the encouragement of her midwife to do it.
Emily didn’t want to go through labour but appreciated the encouragement of her midwife to do it.
Mike: Yeah.
Emily: Because - Just to explain exactly what would happen. And I distinctly remember her saying about how every single woman that she has met says "You know, I don't want to go through the labour, it's horrid - I just want - can you just sort of get it out of me and get-?" You know? And she said like "There is not a single woman I've met that regrets doing that, and doesn't want to then hold their baby," and all that sort of stuff. So, but you just still don't believe it until actually, she is right [laugh]. Which you realise afterwards. But it just seems so insane, that - you know - I just wanted it to go away, and sort of be over, because I kind of knew it was.Emily felt the birth was awfully hard work but was reassured by her midwife who explained it was exactly the same as giving birth later in pregnancy.
Emily felt the birth was awfully hard work but was reassured by her midwife who explained it was exactly the same as giving birth later in pregnancy.
Mike: Yeah.
Emily: Because I said to the bereavement midwife afterwards, I said something like "Gosh, that was awfully hard work - I can't imagine what it's like to really give birth." And she said, "But you did." She said, "You still had to get to -." I think I had to get to six centimetres dilated or something. And she was like, "That's the majority of the hard work, it's just the same, and you did really well. And you were - you know." And again, because she was small, you sort of think you don't, but I still had the awful contractions, I had to do the breathing, and still had to push, and all the - you know - I had to deliver the placenta afterwards. I still had to do exactly the same, it's just that she was small.
But I don't think I was ready for that.Vikki felt unprepared as she couldn’t find any information about what it might be like to give birth to a baby that had already died.
Vikki felt unprepared as she couldn’t find any information about what it might be like to give birth to a baby that had already died.
Loretta was told she would experience a mini-labour but found it extremely painful.
Loretta was told she would experience a mini-labour but found it extremely painful.
Kerry had a very short labour and gave birth in the toilet. She resented the term ‘mini-birth’.
Kerry had a very short labour and gave birth in the toilet. She resented the term ‘mini-birth’.
And how different did losing Noah at 23 weeks feel to the other miscarriages that you had had before?
Oh, it was - For me, a major thing compared to - I think the closest to that was probably when I was eleven weeks, and I miscarried. Because there was quite a bit of afterbirth, and the - when your miscarriage is the clots. Yeah. You don't realise how much you actually lose. But I suppose there's [sigh] - a teaspoon of blood looks like a hell of a lot. I think it's harder when you're actually delivering a baby, when it's in a foetal position. And the umbilical cord is attached. So it was so thin, and - you know - I just remember just sitting there, when I caught her. I was like - she just slid out. I was like on the toilet. And I caught her in my hands. And, yeah. To me - Having a miscarriage is a lot different to having to deliver a stillborn baby.
How long did the labour last, do you remember?
It was quite - I think within two hours? Yeah, I delivered quite quickly. And what they did say was, you know - everyone says - they call it a mini birth, but there's nothing mini about it. And she's right. You're in just as much pain as what you are when you're delivering - you know - a full term baby.
Most of the mothers we spoke to, though not all, had pain relief through labour. As the baby had already died or wasn’t expected to survive, mothers were often offered morphine to relieve their labour pains. While Emily found it helped her anxiety, others found morphine made them feel “numb” and “out of it”. Other women were given an epidural or gas and air. Michelle gave birth on a gynaecology ward where pain relief was not readily available and her husband Iain had to argue strongly to get her some gas and air.
Camille didn’t have time to have morphine before her baby was born but afterwards felt glad as she didn’t want to miss the experience of her baby’s birth.
Camille didn’t have time to have morphine before her baby was born but afterwards felt glad as she didn’t want to miss the experience of her baby’s birth.
Many maternity units have dedicated bereavement suites. These rooms are often made more homely, offer privacy and space for both parents with beds, sometimes a bathroom and a cold room for the baby. Several women we spoke to were able to labour and give birth in one of these suites. Sometimes these suites weren’t available, as they were already in use or not provided, so mothers had to give birth on a standard delivery ward. Hearing the sounds of other women giving birth and new born babies crying was painful.
Helen felt giving birth in a bereavement suite really helped her
Helen felt giving birth in a bereavement suite really helped her
It had tables, chairs, a TV. It just - basically, we were going to have a hellish Wednesday, but we were in this room that we could lock. We were given a key to it, so if we wanted to go to the café we could. It was our stuff. It was our room while we were delivering Emily.
And that room, really. We couldn't have done it - if that - If we hadn't have had that room, it would have been an awful day. And of course my family didn't know we were going to be in that room. They knew we were going to the hospital, they thought we were going to be dumped in a hospital delivery suite. We weren't. And so they were really pleased by the time - I think I maybe probably texted and called them from the hospital. But when I had a real chance to tell them that we had been in this really nice room, decorated beautifully, a real home from home, they were really pleased to hear that that was on offer to us.Nesta found that the layout of the bereavement suite allowed her time to prepare herself to see and hold her baby.
Nesta found that the layout of the bereavement suite allowed her time to prepare herself to see and hold her baby.
You know, there was - We were much more comfortable. And they had - They had the sort of birthing room and the bathroom, and then they had a sitting area. You know, where you could make tea and coffees and things. And then there was also another little room, where you could put the baby afterwards. Which was amazing to have.
And you stayed in there for the rest of the time?
And that's where I gave birth in the end, yeah.
Yeah. And it was special because it was just a bit more cosy, and you had that room?
It was special [sigh]. Yes, it was much more comforting, but that extra room was so useful. Because you can take your time to work up to see the baby. Because you don't know what to expect. I kept asking what to expect, and they said, "Well, it's a baby." [Laugh]. But Daniel, he was born completely in his sac, as can happen quite a lot - can happen anyway, can't it. But, so I couldn't see anything. And it was - He actually came out when I was in the toilet [laugh]. So I was in labour for a while. And the one thing I remember that you don't have with a live birth is they can give you morphine, they can give you any drugs you want. So it does make you more out of it [laugh].
And I went to the loo, and he actually came out then. And then they took him away to clean him up. And they put him in a little Moses basket in this room. And you can prepare yourself to go and see him. So I went to see him immediately.
Many women felt very well supported by their midwives during such a distressing time. They were understanding and empathic, providing emotional support as well as small touches such as physical contact, remembering parents’ names or bringing food. For example, Sarah’s midwife sat waiting outside the bereavement room for whenever they needed her. These little things made a real impact. But other parents had a different experience and felt abandoned. Some fathers had to call for help and sometimes even had to help their partner give birth in the absence of a midwife.
Kelly felt really cared for and appreciated her midwife’s commitment to stay with her until she gave birth.
Kelly felt really cared for and appreciated her midwife’s commitment to stay with her until she gave birth.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
And did that make a real difference?
It did. It did. Because they - it - they were so caring, and - What they done, they used like lavender oil, and stuff like that, so like aromatherapy. And like used - gave me like pethidine, and like gas & air and everything, to make me more comfortable. And basically were there all the way throughout the labour. And they were absolutely brilliant. And round about five o'clock that night, I delivered the baby. And they asked me, and said, "Look, would you - would you like to hold the baby? We can - we can dress the baby for you." And I said, "Yes, please." So they, they put the little baby in a little, like a little outfit that they had made. And I held the baby. And they took photographs for me. And, and also they took footprints and handprints of the baby. And because the room that had been set up, there was - there was like a bedroom - like a room where parents could like deliver the baby, or sleep.
Yeah.
A bathroom. They also had what they called the cold room.
So that the - you could spend as long as you wanted with the baby, without worrying about like the baby[‘s appearance] deteriorating. And then there was also like a living room, as well, with a little kitchen area. And it was set away from all the other wards. On like the maternity ward. And you had like your own entrance, so that you didn't have to come across parents that were leaving with their babies, and - and things like that.
Tell me about what impact that -
That had - That was really good, because I felt really cared for, and a lot of thought had gone into the room. And it had everything that you needed to make your - like your life as comfortable as possible. And I know like my husband found it a lot better, because he - he was able to go out without - out of the room and come back in, without having to go like through like the maternity ward. And that really helped.Michelle and Iain felt they were experiencing labour and birth with very little support.
Michelle and Iain felt they were experiencing labour and birth with very little support.
Iain: Oh, yeah. Very isolated.
Michelle: And they just, "Going to the toilet - and always, you know, go to the toilet in a bowl. You know, one of those paper sick bowls, whatever - poo bowls. And then always check, to make sure that there's nothing in there. And then just put it on the side." So, that was your job, wasn't it. I mean, you were amazing, because you stayed by my side the whole time. And you know, I've heard stories in - since then, of women being on their own in the toilet, where they've just not known what to do with it when it's come out. And they've either flushed it down the loo, or they've put it in the sanitary thing by the side of them. And then they've had massive regrets. So, Arthur didn't come out in the bathroom.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: But you, you sort of lovingly kept an eye on what was coming out, didn't you.
Iain: Mmm. Mmm.
Michelle: And I remember that being quite a fearful time. And I was really ill. I got really bad diarrhoea, didn't I, from the induction.
Iain: Mmm. Mmm.
Michelle: And then we were just on our own, weren't we. And I felt really violently sick. And I was sick. And at the same time as I was sick, the baby came out. And I didn't see it. But you did.
Iain: Yeah. I saw the umbilical cord. I guessed, because I didn't know. Because obviously the cord's a lot thinner and tinier.
So sort of saw this thread hanging, and I thought 'right'. So I pressed the buzzer, and no one came. So I had to go out and leave you alone. I had to go out and try and get someone's attention, and ask for help.
Michelle: And that's not what you'd normally do, is it, as a person, so.
Iain: It was just irritating. You know, when you have a birth, you have several people not leaving you alone, and then when you have another birth that isn't a live baby, they're not interested. You know, for whatever - busy elsewhere, I guess. But it was hard work all day, getting any attention, really.
And then, you know, obviously at the moment of - And you know, okay I've [sigh]. I don't know how to put this. Whether it helped or not. But I'd been at every other birth. So I'd at least become an expert on how she gives birth. So at least I was confident with what she was going through, even though you'd got to go through all that, which is hard anyway with a live birth at the end. You know, that's hard work, keeping you going, supporting you, and - you know - making sure you pull through, for a live birth. Knowing at the end of it you're not going to get a baby is - you know, knowing that's what you're going through, to - It's even harder. So, but to be doing it with zero - pretty much zero support, you know, in a room on our own - you know - that was quite hard work. And then to have to go and try and grab some attention at the end, "Could you help us find out if this is what we think it is?" You know? [Laugh]. It wasn't ideal.
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