Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy
Coming home after losing a baby at 20 to 24 weeks of pregnancy
While parents wanted to get away from the hospital as soon as possible, and start to grieve for their baby at home, leaving their baby behind was difficult.
Several parents commented on how difficult the journey home was, knowing they were returning to a quiet and empty house without their baby.
Carly described how difficult it was, driving home from the hospital, and leaving her baby behind. Her heart felt broken.
Carly described how difficult it was, driving home from the hospital, and leaving her baby behind. Her heart felt broken.
Before they got home, Mike’s parents had tidied away all the things they had bought for their baby.
Before they got home, Mike’s parents had tidied away all the things they had bought for their baby.
Emily: You family were - your parents were great, they just cleared that room out then. Because we had all the cot and everything ready, so.
Mike: Yeah.
Emily: They've got all of that in their garage [laugh]. And we've got lots of stuff in the loft, haven't we. But strangely, again I don't feel sort of sentimental. Those things are just things.
Mike: Yeah, they were never used. It was just, just - obviously hard to - yeah.
sut I - I don't - that sort of - It wasn't that kind of stuff that I'd kind of cling to. I don't know. Lindsay explained how difficult it was to manage her grief when she went home while trying to behave normally for her son.
Lindsay explained how difficult it was to manage her grief when she went home while trying to behave normally for her son.
And I think whilst [my son] has been a fantastic distraction, it has meant that even now, I wouldn't say that I have had an opportunity to really process what's happened. And some of that is my own mental protection, I think. But, yeah. It's very difficult to grieve when you have to appear normal to your child.
Physical health after the birth
As well as grieving for their baby, mothers were recovering from the birth. Some felt they were more aware of physical problems because they didn’t have a baby to focus on. Many said they were physically exhausted and felt “bereft” and “panicky” after the birth.
Even though they had lost their baby, mothers often had the normal physical symptoms of having just given birth. The experience of their breast milk coming in was an extremely painful reminder of the loss of their baby. Vikki Z had loved breastfeeding her older children so found this really hard. Other mothers did not experience their milk coming in, either because it naturally did not happen or because they were given tablets to prevent it. Sharon was pleased to be given the tablets to prevent this after the loss of her third baby.
Emily talked about how she felt physically and emotionally when she got home.
Emily talked about how she felt physically and emotionally when she got home.
Mike: Yeah. Yeah, it didn't feel right.
Emily: You know, you feel really guilty [struggling against tears]. But your Mum and Dad had come here, hadn't they. And they'd done like - done a shop for us, and cleaned the house, and were here for us when we got back, which was really nice. But it is just a very strange feeling, isn't it.
Mike: Yeah.
Emily: You do feel just bereft. And panicky. I think the first few days I got through it [laugh] drinking whiskey, didn't I. I had to have like a whiskey to take the edge off in the morning. It just felt - And the day after, I - Obviously my body just felt like I'd been hit by a truck. And my boobs were filling up with milk, and all - you know - all those kind of things, which are pretty awful.
Mike: They were all the sort of normal things you'd expect to be going through, but –
Emily: - but without, yeah-
Mike: ultimately it was like a lost cause.
Yeah.
Emily: Yeah, so that was really tough. And it's just, I don't know. Just the strangest feeling. And I just felt so panicky. And we didn't know what to do with ourselves, did we. We kept going for walks. And then as soon as I was out, I wanted to be home again. And then as soon as I was home, I wanted to be out again. I couldn't find peace anywhere, or settle. And I was really struggling to sleep, and it was just such a - I've never really felt grief like it. I've grieved before, but it was just another level, wasn't it. Asun explained how hard it was when her milk came in after the birth of her baby.
Asun explained how hard it was when her milk came in after the birth of her baby.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And I feel – It. Probably it wasn't paid enough attention to that. Because then you're supposed to be dealing at home with these four – I don’t know - maybe four or five days? And it just reminds you of that baby you're not going to be able to feed. And for me especially hard, because I fed [my son] for twenty months. So you know, it's, it’s - And I think they should give you more – more, more choices, or more - they should pay more attention to that. Because I remember when I was in hospital, all of a sudden, when we knew what was going to happen and stuff. I just thought is it going to happen? Am I going to have? And I went to ask them whether, you know. And the advice was 'don't do anything at all, just leave it, leave it as it is and it will dry up'. But I think - I my understanding is there is medication to - And I think you should be given the choice. You should be - you should be, you know, given not just 'leave it as it is', because it's painful. I mean, physically. But emotionally it's awful, because it just reminds you all the time what, what you're going through. And I think you could be spared that. So from my point of view, I think it would be good if -
Because it's something they don't - It wasn't really looked after, if you know what I mean. It was just a little bit dismissed. Just 'leave it as it is', and that's it. And I think they should sit down with you and explain, and say what choices you have. Because you, you - First of all, you could have medication. You could - maybe there will be some mothers that would be willing to donate the milk, and that. But nobody - I think I wouldn't have, anyway.
But maybe some people at that stage will think about that. But on the other hand, it could be a way of healing as well, for someone thinking - you know - I can, I can do something for - in some - somehow.
For my baby, as well. You know, like it hasn't been in vain, or. Or maybe some people want just to leave it as it is. So. But I think more care needs to be taken on that. Because for my - for me, it wasn't. Maxine experienced bleeding and her breast milk coming in. These were extremely painful reminders of the loss of her baby.
Maxine experienced bleeding and her breast milk coming in. These were extremely painful reminders of the loss of her baby.
But you don't have a baby. So you've got all - And obviously your hormones are all over the place.
Steve: Mmm.
Maxine: And you have all that to go along with. And I think, you know I said to you since we lost Heidi - as a new mum the first time round with [daughter’s name], you don't notice all that happening, because you've got a baby to focus on. But when you've got time, you notice everything. So you notice how long your clotting goes on for, you notice - you know - every single drop of milk you lose or whatever, and it's - your body is so, so cruel. Because my body thinks it's just had a baby. And it doesn't have a baby.Lisa and Matt explained how anxious Lisa was at the thought of returning to hospital to check why she was bleeding.
Lisa and Matt explained how anxious Lisa was at the thought of returning to hospital to check why she was bleeding.
But that was the only time when I had any kind of issues really.
Had they prepared you that that might happen, or? Was it a bit of a surprise?
Lisa: I don't think it was necessarily a surprise, because I think it's just - you know, having had [older son’s name], you know what your body's doing a bit more, don't you.
So I don't necessarily think it was a surprise. I don't think they prepared us, but it was just kind of - just one of those situations.
Matt: Yeah, and I think you're just more conscious of these things. Like before, when you've got a baby to look after, you're busy.
Lisa: Yeah, that's true.
Matt: You're looking after the baby, that's your main focus. But now, you've only got - only got you. You kind of forget what happened with [older son’s name], because you had other things on your mind.
Lisa: And I think you were more paranoid as well, but - because of the infection, that there could be something.
Matt: Yeah.
Lisa: Being on the kind of blood thinning things. So I think that would also make me more aware of it.
Matt: Mmm.
Lisa: So maybe I was more aware of things. And maybe this happened with [older son’s name] and I had no idea.
Matt: Mmm.
Lisa: Yeah. So. I guess you're more aware of infections and stuff.
Matt: I think there was that - yeah, you're right. I was more conscious of –
Lisa: And you're really hyped up about things.
Matt: Yeah, just because - yeah. Obviously this infection, and you hear about sepsis and everything else, and. Yeah. So I think I was more kind of conscious to make sure that you were alright.
After the death of a baby, follow-up care and good communication between the hospital and other healthcare staff was important for parents.Some parents felt they were “pretty much left” after they were discharged from hospital. While Asun was contacted by a midwife she felt they were focusing on her physical health when she really needed to talk about her grief.
Waiting for the funeral and investigations
Parents often felt in a state of limbo in the days at home following the birth. There was often a long time before they were able to arrange a funeral or to find out about any investigations into their baby’s death. Some parents we talked to were entitled to maternity or paternity leave from work as their babies were born showing signs of life. Others had to arrange to take sick leave which often added extra stress during a very difficult time.
Kirsty and Matthew went away to a cottage for a few days, and felt distressed when she received a reminder about an antenatal appointment that should have been cancelled.
Kirsty and Matthew went away to a cottage for a few days, and felt distressed when she received a reminder about an antenatal appointment that should have been cancelled.
Nobody had sent a letter to my doctor. Nobody had done anything about it. Which kind of made it all worse, because then you're thinking 'well, how have they dealt with her? If this hasn't all come together, admin-wise, what are you doing with her?'Loretta described how hard-going it was telling a health visitor her baby had died.
Loretta described how hard-going it was telling a health visitor her baby had died.
Because it - Especially when it someone that should have actually known.
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