Losing a baby at 20-24 weeks of pregnancy
Moving on while keeping memories of the baby alive
Keeping their baby’s memory alive was very important to parents. Deciding how to do this was a very personal choice. Michelle highlighted how important it was to “do what you need to do”. Some parents talked about marking their baby’s birthday or due date in a special way. Parents might visit their baby’s grave or the special place where they had scattered or kept their baby’s ashes.
Helen Z and her husband felt it important to mark their baby’s due date and birthday.
Helen Z and her husband felt it important to mark their baby’s due date and birthday.
And I think every year - I did again this year, I bought a memory box. And every year, I'm going to buy a memory box on his birthday. In his name, for someone else. Michelle felt that validating your experience was important and there was no right way of doing it.
Michelle felt that validating your experience was important and there was no right way of doing it.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: And there is no right or wrong.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: I think grief is a very unique experience. It comes at different stages, so. You know, if it - if it doesn't hit you on the bum in three months, it might in a year, and that's okay. To be really kind to yourself around the due date, and around anniversaries. And the build-up to those can sometimes be worse than when you get there.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: Definitely to go to support groups. Or to find online forums. But at the stage when you feel ready. So, some people feel ready immediately, some people don't want to do that. So really I think for me it's just about knowing it's unique, knowing that whatever you choose is okay. And that whatever stage of loss you've gone through, you have the right to validate that as a life. And no one else is going to probably give you that right, so you've got to find that right for yourself. And, yeah. To do what needs to be done for yourself. And is so individual. Some people want to mark the baby, name the baby - some people don't. And not to feel guilty if you choose something different to what now is expected.
Michelle: You know, I think - you know - sometimes we go the other way, and say you have to light a candle, you have to - you know - name the child, you have to plant the tree, you have to put an extra decoration on the Christmas tree.
Iain: Mmm.
Michelle: And it's like well no, you don't, actually. If for you, the best thing to do is just lay down and walk away, that's - that's a right as well, so.
Yes, there's a place to offer empathy, and a place to be heard, but also it really, really is an individual thing. So I don't have like anything to say that says, you know, do what we did, or anything like that. It's just more about do what you need to do to get through it.
Talking about the baby was a common way that parents felt kept their baby’s memory alive. Most parents wanted to keep talking about their baby to friends and family, although they often found this was difficult. After a few months some found that their friends and family no longer talked about the baby and their loss. They often felt this was because people were embarrassed and afraid of upsetting them or had forgotten about it. Similarly some parents explained that they didn’t talk about their baby with certain friends and family members because they didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. Some said they found that talking to other parents who had lost a baby at a support group really helped as they “get it”.
Doing something to make a difference
Many parents we spoke to were very passionate to do something to make a difference for future parents suffering a loss, to thank people for the care they had received, and to ensure that their baby hadn’t “died in vain”. Maxine explained, “we're very realistic, we can't stop it happening… but we can try and learn from our experience, to help other people… actually, our story is really powerful to people”.
Many parents described fund-raising for charities that they had received help and support from during their loss such as Sands and the Miscarriage Association. Some raised funds for specific things that had helped them such as memory boxes or facilities in the local bereavement suite. Sharon raised money for a double bed for her local bereavement suite after the loss of her second baby and then sadly made use of it when she lost her third baby.
Matthew described how fundraising for Sands was the moment he felt he was able to move on.
Matthew described how fundraising for Sands was the moment he felt he was able to move on.
And that to me, I felt for the first time that I could say that something good had come from it. Because we raised about £1,000. So I could finally say, well - Up until that point, it was like that there was nothing, nothing positive to say about the situation. And I think after that, I think after that I felt differently. That was almost like - I was able to move on.
Because up until then it was like I was going out running every couple of days, and the whole reason I was doing it, was sort of always there at the forefront of my mind, and. Kirsty had been in contact with Sands, and we were getting t-shirts, and sort of trying to raise money about it. And so it, it was - it was almost like it was a constant daily reminder about it. And, and that to me - That for me sort of put - it was a moment where I was able to say 'okay, I think I - I think I'm able to, to move on from this'.Loretta really appreciated the support of other bereaved parents and it motivated her to become a telephone contact for the Miscarriage Association.
Loretta really appreciated the support of other bereaved parents and it motivated her to become a telephone contact for the Miscarriage Association.
But she did have a number of somebody who was starting a miscarriage group in the local area. So she gave me that. And probably a couple of weeks later I did give that a call.
Was that helpful?
Yes, yeah. It was really - it was really good. It was over in [town]. And there was probably five or six of us, all at different stages of pregnancy. And it wasn't - the conversation wasn't always about the loss of the baby, it was just nice to just sit with people that you know had been through it. So we'd be talking about the TV programmes and all this sort of thing, but it just - if you wanted to have a little cry about something, you knew that they could understand a bit more, and you didn't get the sort of 'well it's been this long now, you shouldn't be like upset any more', etc.
Mmm. Yeah.
Yeah.
So was that in someone's house, or?
Yes. Yeah, we used to take turns. Went to her house. When she moved, I took over for a while. And now I'm just a telephone contact. Because everybody then went on to have children.
But you're still involved?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm still a telephone contact for the Miscarriage Association.
Right. And what does that involve?
If somebody's rung up the main office, and they'll give them a local number of somebody that they can talk to. Mmm.
Okay. And do you get regular calls?
Not as many now, no. Because I think where you've got the internet, you can find out a lot more on there. You know, the Miscarriage Association has got their website. And there's stuff on there that - you know - can help you.
Mmm. Mmm.
So I've not had a call for quite a while.
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