Self-harm: Parents' experiences
Telling others – reactions of family and friends to self-harm
There are many different reactions to the news that someone is self-harming. Some responses may be unhelpful and make things more difficult for the person who is harming themselves and those who care for them. Many of the parents and carers we spoke to chose to tell only family members and a few close friends about the young person’s problems (see 'Telling other people’).
Partners
Many of the parents we talked to had separated from their child’s other parent, and some were living with new partners. Thirty-five of the thirty-nine people we interviewed were women. They spoke about the ways their partners reacted to self-harm. One common theme was a perception that fathers and step-fathers couldn’t understand why the young person would want to hurt themselves.
Jane S was annoyed when her husband couldn’t understand their daughter
Jane S was annoyed when her husband couldn’t understand their daughter
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Ruth thinks her husband’s attitude to her daughter’s self-harm is too simplistic, but he makes an effort to talk to her and be supportive.
Ruth thinks her husband’s attitude to her daughter’s self-harm is too simplistic, but he makes an effort to talk to her and be supportive.
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Several women talked about the difficulty their husbands had in showing their feelings. Sharon explained how her ex-husband’s practical approach worked well alongside her own more emotional reactions. ‘He’s very good with the practical side of things, whereas I can get more of a handle on how she’s feeling emotionally.’ A few fathers were angry. Susan Z said, ‘He tends to get angry rather than upset. But I don’t think he ever expressed that.’ Liz’s husband was angry at times at how self-harm and eating disorders had affected the family.
Liz describes her husband’s mixed reactions to his daughter’s self-harming and her eating disorder.
Liz describes her husband’s mixed reactions to his daughter’s self-harming and her eating disorder.
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A whole variety of emotions, as you would expect. Initially, completely and utterly shocked. Totally, I mean literal shock. The cutting made him very sad because, obviously, it was leaving scars and to him, it was his beautiful girl. The overdose made him incredibly, incredibly desperate that she should feel that desperate. Anger, definite, definite periods of anger, as we’ve all felt I think. Probably me less so. I think I’ve felt the least, in fact, I don’t think I’ve really felt angry, if I’m honest. I don’t think I’ve felt angry. He has felt periods of extreme anger on how it’s affected our lives but, then again, this is all wrapped up with the eating disorder, which actually in practical terms, affected our life much more because on a day to day basis an eating disorder affects your life tremendously. Self-harm probably less so. I think he feels incredibly protective of her now.
To his relationship with her I think. So yeah, and shock that he, he thinks he’s produced these three beautiful girls and he can’t understand why they feel so awful, enough to not eat and to harm themselves. And it is hard to understand I think. I think it is hard to understand really, the behaviour.
Sandra helped her husband calm down when he was angry at their daughter.
Sandra helped her husband calm down when he was angry at their daughter.
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He was angry because men, obviously, they react to things differently. When I say angry, I mean he shouted at her, “Oh why the hell are you doing this to yourself?” You know, “You know we love you, we care for you. We’re supporting you whatever you do, you know. Why do you feel the need to want to do that to yourself?”
And that, you know, it’s very stressful for the family so then she reacted by saying, “Well, I’m stressed too and that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. I need help. It’s is a cry for help. I I’m not happy. I’m sad.” So then I had to sort of calm my husband down, said, you have to intervene, and I said, “Well, you know, the way you handled it is not the right way. She is stressed. She’s hurting. That’s why she’s doing what she’s doing. It’s new to us. It’s new to me. Even though I’ve worked in it but it’s different when it’s home, when it’s applied to your family” and I said to him, “Just learn from me. Observe the way I deal with her and you can learn from that.” And that’s how we’ve handled it. So now if there’s a situation, he lets me deal with it and he observes but he will support me.
Other women talked about positive and supportive reactions from men. Gwendoline said her husband 'knows a good way to talk to people' and that when they had 'happenings' in the house, he was 'normally the one that calms it all down.' Vicki told us that her ex-husband was very concerned about their daughter's self-harming and was 'making an effort to change the way he interacts with her' when she visits him at weekends.
Pat gave us a man’s point of view. He thought his ex-wife’s emotional response was unhelpful. Charles said his wife believed their son’s behaviour could be explained by normal difficulties of adolescence.
Pat thought his ex-wife’s response to their daughter’s self-harm was too emotional. He tried to hide his own distress.
Pat thought his ex-wife’s response to their daughter’s self-harm was too emotional. He tried to hide his own distress.
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Yes, yes, I’ve, [sighs] I would rather not get her involved but I, I think I have a duty, as a, you know, and you’re quite often forced by the social end of things to let mum see and that, irrelevant of what happens, so I, I have involved her and she’s, but it’s sort of half supportive, it’s a rush over, which I understand, and it’s tears, which I sort of understand but I’ve hidden mine, you know. I’ve had a cry in a car park somewhere, and I’ve had a cry in the van and I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I haven’t cried in front of [my daughter] because she always blames herself badly and says, “I don’t want to worry you.” I’ve said it again, sorry. “I don’t want to worry you, daddy.”
But we had, we had a rushed over visit, lots of tears, which were really unhelpful, and it, I’d had, I mean that might be odd and it might be a man thing but it was just really unhelpful. It didn’t, if, it wasn’t for [my daughter], oh sorry, it wasn’t for my daughter and it didn’t do her any good but it made mum feel better, I’m guessing. And then we were very involved for a few days and then missing again, not missing, but then that weekend they weren’t due to see her and we didn’t see her or hear from her and I personally, would have been a little bit more hands on and that, that’s it’s a bit like a roller coaster. It’s all or nothing and it’s patchy when it when it, you know, and then it’s nothing for months and I’d rather not manage that any more but I’m not allowed. If that makes sense. I think they’d be better off not seeing her because it’s like a mourning cycle.
She comes back in, promises them the world, delivers nothing and then disappears so they mourn and then she comes back in and I would like it to stop but, at the minute, I’ve got other things on my mind but nobody will ever turn around and say, it’s very difficult to turn round and say, “It’s actually destructive seeing your own parent.” When I think it can be, without a shadow of a doubt, it can be.
Parents told us how brothers and sisters reacted (see also ‘Impact on siblings’). Some were angry and felt that self-harming was selfish. Bernadette’s son was so angry with his brother that he humiliated him by telling people in the pub about the self-harm. One of Isobel’s daughters wanted to be supportive but the other was irritated by her sister’s behaviour. Some older siblings were understanding and supportive.
Vicki’s two sons were concerned about their sister and gave her support.
Vicki’s two sons were concerned about their sister and gave her support.
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I told her eldest brother who’s actually a GP. He’s quite, he’s very close to her, even though they, you know, they live quite a long way apart, but he will phone her and he will talk to her and, obviously, he was one of the first people I phoned when I when I realised. And he said he said, “Okay. Just bear in mind, when you do go and see your GP, that not all of them are tremendously sympathetic or understanding or. So if you if you don’t get any joy from this GP then come back and talk to me and we’ll, you know, think of another route and...” But luckily, the GP was very, very good and very understanding and, you know, got us there straight away but yeah, so he was, he’s a bit more, I suppose worldly wise than perhaps her other brother was and was able to think, “Okay. I do understand something about this condition.” And it was more about, you know, realising that she just needs lots of support and he chats to her regularly. He’ll phone up and come and visit and just being, you know, a great, great brother.
Sarah Y’s daughter was angry and couldn’t understand why her sister harmed herself.
Sarah Y’s daughter was angry and couldn’t understand why her sister harmed herself.
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The youngest is sort of not really said or done anything about it. She wasn’t affected in the same sort of way. The older one of the two younger ones has been quite angry. It’s like, you know, “Why have you done it? You’re not.” You know, she can’t see a good reason for it and she just saw it as, you know, “You’ve made life difficult for mum and the rest of us. Why?” You know, and to her it seemed a very, very selfish thing to do and, you know, we can all understand that perspective and so she’s quite angry about it, won’t talk about it, well, hasn’t really talked about it very much since. I mean I’ve tried to say, “Well, sometimes when people get down, that’s what they do. They’re not trying to be selfish but, you know, and we’re going to go and see somebody to see if we can get her some help so that it doesn’t happen again and, you know, we’ll maybe resolve some of her issues.”
But I mean they didn’t have the best relationship beforehand so, you know, the eldest, you know, as I said, she is academically weak. She has difficulties with things. The younger ones both are academically very able and so there’s all sorts of issues that go on between them and the usual sibling rivalry of bickering and loveliness.
On the whole people told us relatives in their wider family were supportive but many didn’t understand self-harm. Sarah Y said her brother ‘finds it really impossible to understand. He hasn’t got children himself’. Alexis told us her daughter’s grandfather and uncle ‘didn’t get it. They don’t understand it. ..It’s too hard for them.’ However, her daughter’s grandmother did understand and this was a huge support for Alexis. A few relatives, like Nicky’s sister-in-law and Jo-Ann’s family, were critical, especially when they had little experience of self-harm.
Although her family tried to help Jo-Ann found their responses very difficult.
Although her family tried to help Jo-Ann found their responses very difficult.
Sex: Female
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Nicky’s in-laws were judgemental before her daughter explained things to them.
Nicky’s in-laws were judgemental before her daughter explained things to them.
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But I’ve been able to overcome that, as my as my daughter has got better, she’s been able to engage with people about her illness and about her behaviours from her perspective and she’s been able to say things like, “Mum did x and actually it was very helpful.” Because one of, one of my in-laws, one of my sisters-in-law, was quite judgemental a few years ago, when things had been very difficult and my husband had said to his oldest sister, so the maternal one in the family, the matriarch I suppose, because they’re quite a big family, and she been a bit, “Well, do you really think that’s an appropriate thing to do.” She was quite judgemental about how we’d chosen to deal with my daughter about it because it had been very much a case of, “Sort yourself out or, you know, you need to leave because we can’t live like this anymore.”
And she was quite judgemental about it and I’d tried to explain and my husband had tried to explain and she was still a bit sniffy and then we’d had a bit of a family get-together a few weeks later and I’d mentioned to my daughter and she said, “Don’t worry, mum. I’ll put her right.” And she sat down with her and she said, “You know.” And my so my sister-in-law says to [my daughter], “Oh, you know,” sorry, to my daughter, “Oh how have things been?” And my daughter goes, “Well, blah-dy blah-dy blah and Mum did this and so and so, my husband did that, and, actually, I know it seems like a bit harsh but it really was the right thing to do.”
And she, so the in-laws have been, the in-laws have been much better about it since then but it is quite hard I think if people aren’t open about it to help dispel some of the myths about it and, where you’ve not had, and his family have had very little experience of, you know, mental health issues and behaviours like that and I think where you haven’t had much experience of those kinds of things, if you don’t talk about it, it’s very easy to make judgements.
Apart from immediate family, many of the people we spoke to chose to tell a few close friends. They were often surprised by their reactions. One of Jane S’s friends was shocked and disgusted, while another treated it very casually, saying “Aren’t teenagers a nuisance”. ‘This was just so off the mark,’ Jane told us, ‘that it made me despair’. Fiona’s friends tried to help but they didn’t understand. She explained: ‘It’s very difficult because friends, the ones that know, try and come beside you but it’s too big. Unless someone has been through something like this they can’t really understand. You can’t really talk to them about the trauma of it because it’s almost like you’re making it up because it’s so horrific’.
Some of Audrey’s friends were very supportive but others reacted badly to her husband’s self-harm.
Some of Audrey’s friends were very supportive but others reacted badly to her husband’s self-harm.
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It depends. If it’s someone that knows, like knows what it’s like, they’re fully supportive, you know. They’re there one hundred per cent. They’re battering the door down to offer support and help and advice and all rally round. And if it’s someone who doesn’t have a clue, well what I mean is, they know obviously, that my husband is doing what he’s, well, has done what he’s done in the past but if they don’t have a clue in the sense of they’ve never lived through it, they’ve not seen anyone with it, they’ve they don’t even, they’ve not even researched it in the slightest, it can be so frustrating and so hurtful because all they want to do is shout at him and tell him, “How dare you do that, how dare you do that to your children, how dare you do that to your wife, how dare you? You know, I cannae believe you’ve been so bloody stupid,” and blah blah blah.
And it’s frustrating for me because I think to myself, why are you doing that? When you can already see that he’s suffering, why would you purposely come in and want to make him suffer more? He already he already is suffering. But they don’t fully understand, you know. They just think, “Ah, I can’t believe he’s been so stupid. How dare he?” And because they’ve not properly dealt with anyone with mental health issues with self-harming tendencies, they don’t have a clue. They really don’t and it’s hard because you can stand there until you’re blue in the face and tell them, “Don’t do that. Don’t speak to him like that.” And then you’ll get accused, “Oh, you cannae babysit him, you know. He’s old enough and big enough and ugly enough to look after himself.” And then it just opens a whole can of worms [laughs] and it’s just like what should be a an intimate sort of an intimate array of friends coming together, turns into almighty war near enough sometimes.
Have you lost friends through those reactions?
We have. We have but, luckily enough, luckily enough, we we’ve got them back. They they’ve realised the errors of their ways it was it was very difficult because then you do get, you yourself get the whole guilt of, should I have let that happen? Should I have let it get that far? Should I have let my husband see that? Should have I put that on him?
And then he feels guilty because he’s like, “I shouldn’t have let Audrey go through that. I shouldn’t have let you know, my wife’s lost one of her best pals because of me and my stupidity and my own beliefs and my feelings and my fears and my hurts and my head” type of thing and it’s, you know, it’s a vicious circle. It is a vicious circle and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place but, ultimately, at the end of the day, you have to make a decision what’s more important? Your family, who needs you there and then, or your friends and it’s an easy choice for me. My family is always going to come first, always, doesnae matter, I wouldnae care who you are. You know, I’d fight the devil himself for my family. So if I lose friends over it, then I lose friends over it, you know, that’s just one of these things
Sarah Y was pleased with the ‘brilliant’ support she received from some of her friends.
Sarah Y was pleased with the ‘brilliant’ support she received from some of her friends.
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But, you know, I as a parent am reluctant to sort of say too much to many people because you are, you are concerned about what people are going to say to you. Blame you, “Well, you’ve obviously failed them as a parent.” And you do feel that and it’s horrid. Excuse me. But, you know, I know really it’s not my fault and I know I haven’t done anything wrong as such, you know. We all make mistakes and so yeah, I’m sure I’ve made mistakes but, you know, at the end of the day if you find somebody who hasn’t, you know, I’ll be damned impressed.
Last reviewed December 2017.
Last updated December 2017.
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