Self-harm: Parents' experiences
Impact of self-harm on siblings
Self-harm by young people can have profound effects on their brothers and sisters. We asked parents and carers to tell us how their other children had reacted.
Parents had to decide how much to tell their other children about the self-harm. This is often very difficult. Jo said she didn’t share all the details with her elder daughter because she felt guilty that her daughter was having to support her. When her younger daughter found knives in her sister’s bedroom Jackie lied to her, saying she needed the knives to open letters or chop up clothes. Ruth and Sandra wanted to make sure their other children didn’t think that self-harm was normal behaviour. Sharon’s son was upset that ‘he hadn’t been there for his sister’ when Sharon told him what had been happening, but she reassured him that it wasn’t his responsibility.
Sandra explained to her younger daughter that self-harm was her sister’s way of coping, but told her to talk to her mother if she felt upset rather than copying her sister.
Sandra explained to her younger daughter that self-harm was her sister’s way of coping, but told her to talk to her mother if she felt upset rather than copying her sister.
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Some brothers and sisters found it hard to understand why their sibling was self-harming, and parents thought this might have influenced their reactions.
Jane S felt that lack of understanding led her other daughters to believe their sister was being selfish and could easily stop her behaviour.
Jane S felt that lack of understanding led her other daughters to believe their sister was being selfish and could easily stop her behaviour.
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So, it’s a bit of, if you’re not careful it’s a family battlefield, really of the other children, you know, her siblings feeling a bit, maybe, neglected and left out sometimes. You have to work doubly hard to you know, keep everyone happy and it’s exhausting, it really is, absolutely exhausting.
Sarah Z’s family didn’t understand her daughter’s self-harm. It was difficult for her brother and sister when they were asked about it at school.
Sarah Z’s family didn’t understand her daughter’s self-harm. It was difficult for her brother and sister when they were asked about it at school.
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And, obviously, this kind of behaviour brings attention and fuss and also, you know, it’s very difficult because despite the fact that they have all the normal sibling kind of squabbles and everything, they’re quite close in age and, obviously, they’re fond of each other and it’s horrible, really horrible to see somebody hurting themselves and have no idea why they’re doing it or, you know, why we can’t stop her doing it and why, you know, why she’s that unhappy in an apparently, perfectly normal family, you know, but with nothing really to make her that unhappy that they can see. So it’s very confusing for the children the other children and also for my husband and I because we don’t know anything about it, you know. We don’t know how to deal with it. We don’t know how to cope with it. We, even more so my husband actually, it just doesn’t, understand it at all so and when you don’t understand something that much, it makes it almost impossible to do anything to help really.
So you tend to sort of ignore it as much as you can, which is really unhelpful. Doesn’t work, so and it’s had a big impact because all the children go to the same school and there’s no hiding that that kind of self-harm. It’s on, you know, it’s on [my daughter], on her arms and and it was on her legs as well. She did she did do it on her legs too. So she’d still be doing sport and she’d be doing, playing in, she was quite sporty, she’d be playing in netball matches or whatever in her sports short skirt, and with her short sleeves on and, you know, she’s covered in in cuts and so people know that, you know, you can’t hide it. And it’s that’s difficult for her brother and sister too, you know, because children being children will ask, generally they’re nice, but they’ll ask questions. They’ll want to know what’s happening and, you know, they don’t really know how to answer so it puts them in the spotlight a bit too at school.
Several parents told us about the anger expressed by their other children. Some siblings thought the person who was self-harming was selfish and attention seeking. Fiona’s son and daughter wouldn’t talk to their brother because they were so angry at his behaviour. They were also angry that their mother had gone into debt through supporting him financially. Bernadette’s son was so angry with his brother that he started a fight with him. He accused his brother of breaking his mother’s heart. Fiona and Jane S told us that their children too had been angry at the effect of the self-harm on their mother.
Sandra’s daughter was so angry that she wanted to attack her sister but Sandra encouraged her to release her anger in other ways.
Sandra’s daughter was so angry that she wanted to attack her sister but Sandra encouraged her to release her anger in other ways.
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[Sighs] I would say it’s impacted on my younger daughter adversely as well because my daughter went through a period where she became quite angry, sullen, you know, would just get into rages and fits of anger. She’d direct some of that anger at her older sister and she’d just attack her and hit her and say, “I hate you. I hate you.” So then I would say to her, “No, you don’t hate your sister. You’re angry. You’re angry because she’s, you’ve witnessed things that you shouldn’t have seen. She’s exposed you to things that you shouldn’t have been exposed to but by virtue of being a member of the family, you’ve seen them, you’ve witnessed them and you’ve been party to it but,” I said to her, “It’s all right to be angry.”
So what I did, I bought my younger daughter a punching bag so if she’s angry I say, “You get that bag and just punch at it, you know, release some of that anger.” You know, so she said, “Well, thanks Mum.” And I got her gloves as well, you know, [laughs] so I said, “Rather than hurting your sister, punch at the punching bag but release the anger, release the aggression, don’t keep it inside. If you feel like you want to cry, cry.” So she’s if she’s having a temper tantrum, I just let her cry and I said, you know, “Just let it out, release it but don’t keep it inside because if you do it will make you ill.”
So, you know, I said to her, “But, at the same time, don’t cry for anything, you know. Cry because you’ve got a reason. Cry because you’re not, you’re not happy or you’re feeling sad about something or your sister has said something to you and she’s hurt you, you know, but don’t just cry for the sake of crying because.” I said, “After a while, you’ll become like the crying wolf. The boy who always cried and then, when he was seriously in trouble, no one paid no attention because they got used to him making those noises, you know.” So I think she got the message [laughs]. Yeah.
Jane Z realised it was easy for siblings to ‘get lost’ when all attention focused on the person who self-harmed.
Jane Z realised it was easy for siblings to ‘get lost’ when all attention focused on the person who self-harmed.
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Yes.
“Look at me. What am I going to have?” you know, this sort of thing, and she knows why, and she understands why and she never says it, never blames, you know, but you can see, there’s a sort of, “Come on, I’m seventeen.”
Yes.
[Laughs] And she is, and she, she deserves everything in the world, and so she is putting things on hold, and she is, obviously, struggling and, she doesn’t want to worry us with her problems, and, you know, so you’ve got to keep an eye on all of the children.
Charles pleaded with his 12 year old daughter to avoid annoying her brother.
Charles pleaded with his 12 year old daughter to avoid annoying her brother.
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The first point I’d make is it has been explained to me how completely selfish people are in this sort of mental state that the patient has absolutely no apparent concern for the effect his behaviour has on his younger siblings, who are at a very impressionable age, fourteen and twelve. And there has been a very deep effect. I mean it is particularly, well, on both of them, the twelve year old says things like, “Well.” We try to say to them, “Please don’t, try not to annoy him because we don’t know what’s happened. He suffers from something called depression and anything might happen.” And so this poor girl has to bite her tongue and feels very constrained about what she can say or do with her brother and so it’s a great worry for her, and I think possibly she’s more grumpy and bad tempered than perhaps a twelve year old girl would normally be as a result of this stress.
Although brothers and sisters had mixed responses to their sibling’s self-harm, many of them were sympathetic and supportive. Ruth, Gwendoline, and Jane Z described close, loving relationships. Sharon told us her son was ‘there for his sister’, supporting her and making her laugh, which was good for her. Some parents, like Liz and Ann, spoke of positive effects, such as becoming closer as a family and more aware of other people’s feelings.
Although there were mixed reactions to self-harm, Liz’s family became closer and communicated better.
Although there were mixed reactions to self-harm, Liz’s family became closer and communicated better.
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And periods of extreme insecurity when she first moved away to London, the one that was left at home was saying, “How do you know she’s okay? How do you know she’s going, is she going to be okay and shouldn’t you be ringing her every day?” And a completely over the top reaction. Normally, I’m sure, when a sister, one goes to university it’s like, “Yes, I I’m at home on my own and how great is that.” But very insecure. I think, if there are any positives to come out of it, which I think you have to look for some kind of positive, we all communicate very much better than I think perhaps we would have done, considering we’re only, we’ve still got a teenager and we’re only just moving through the teenage years, which are notoriously difficult and notoriously turbulent, particularly, I think, I only know about girls, but particularly with girls very turbulent. And I think, coming through all of it there’s, there has emerged a closeness, particularly oddly between the three siblings. They and maybe it would have happened anyway. How do you know? How do you know how they’d have ended up but they are very, very close now.
Debbie’s son and daughter reacted differently to their sister’s self-harm.
Debbie’s son and daughter reacted differently to their sister’s self-harm.
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Yeah, my youngest daughter is quite the opposite to her really. She’s outgoing and confident. She doesn’t seem to be fazed by it and she can talk openly about it. She’s not they, we all know, obviously. We’ve never kept it from them. They know that she self-harms and my youngest daughter will talk to her and say, “Have you self-harmed? Are you feeling down today?” But my son, on the other hand, he is very much like his dad and closed up and he doesn’t like talking about it and he’s got an issue because they both went to schools next door to each other and there’s only two years between them. So a lot of their friends are brothers and sisters as well.
Right. Yes.
And that’s caused an issue because my son won’t say to any of his friends what his sister, where his sister’s been, when she’s been in hospital for six months, and there’s been a big issue because he’s just kept the whole thing secret so none of his friends know. He doesn’t talk about it because he thinks that people will bully him if they say, “Oh your sister self-harms.” Or anything. They’ve been swimming a few times but he won’t go swimming with them and my daughter thinks it’s because he’s embarrassed of the scars because if his friends were about, they might ask him what’s gone on. So that’s quite difficult between them two.
Last reviewed December 2017.
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