Lung Cancer
How it affects family and friends
People said that when they first told family members about their lung cancer they were usually met with expressions of shock, fear, and distress - some did not know how to react and seemed embarrassed.
When he first told family members about his diagnosis they were tearful, but now they are calmer.
When he first told family members about his diagnosis they were tearful, but now they are calmer.
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At first they were the ones that were all in tears and I said, "I don't want no tears". Then I was told by one of the nurses "That's out of order Dave, I know the way you feel but you should allow them to cry because that's the way they feel. Let them go over that first bit first and then try and explain how you feel exactly." So I did that and then gradually it's come round to like now my daughter would've cried every day right, if I said, "I'm not going to die," she'd say "Oh don't' use the word die," and start crying you know.
Where as now I say to her "I've booked up my holiday and I couldn't get such and such a date," and she will now say to me "Well stop moaning, thinking yourself you're having a holiday, you're not supposed to be here," because the fear has all gone out of it, and I think the fear has gone out of it because I've kept up my end so much; ignore it, laugh at it, you know that's the way I've been now that everybody is now seeing things my way.
You know my wife will say, "As far as I can see there's no killing you, you know, whether you want it or not there's no killing you', and my cousin has been up and visited me and brought his son with him you know and his other son couldn't make it but said he'd get up as soon as possible and then I spoke to him and said "Look you know I know what you're saying you want to get here as soon as possible because if anything happens." He said "Yeah." I said "You've known me long enough you trust me, if anything is going to happen I'll phone you, then get here, don't rush your backside off for no reason." So he hasn't done so and I'm very happy about that.
Relationships within families can change as the result of illness, and sometimes news of the diagnosis helped to bring family members closer together. Some patients became aware of how important they were to their family and friends.
His illness has drawn members of the family together again.
His illness has drawn members of the family together again.
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It was sometimes hard to predict how other people would react to the diagnosis. Most family members offered great support, but a few people complained that support had not been forthcoming when they needed it. Some people emphasised that their loved ones had to face a very difficult time too and needed support and reassurance themselves. (See also 'Telling the children and grandchildren').
Explains that the family has been very supportive.
Explains that the family has been very supportive.
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And I've got two sons one lives at home, he's in the process of setting up his, moving out of the family home, setting up his own home just now and he's been, my son he's been very supportive and my eldest son he's, he lives away, he lives down south, he lives down in York so he's a bit of a distance away. But as soon as [my son] had, as soon as he, my eldest son heard the news well it was he and my grandson came up you know within hours of hearing to see what it was. But to see if he could do anything for us but we're a strong family, we're a close family, we've got our faith and we found all these things have got an accumulative effect, these slide into the, that's what the family units are all about, have your family and that and family has been very important to us.
Her family have offered her no support but friends have been wonderful.
Her family have offered her no support but friends have been wonderful.
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So I, and I said I didn't see them for twenty months but, or I didn't see my sister for twenty months and I've only got the one sister. I've only got one nephew now and I've spoken to him three times on the phone and never seen him which is hurtful because on the other hand when my sister has been ill I was always there. I would call round, I would go and see her in hospital but according to my brother in law the hospital that I was going to when I was in it was too far for him to travel. But they've got a car.
How awful.
So that was, it was. But there again as my friend says "You've managed to get through a horrendous twelve months, you've come out the other side, you didn't need them then so you don't really need them now." But I've got to admit at least I have seen my sister, she did finally come round and see me just after Christmas last year. But things will never ever been the same of course. But as far as my friends are concerned they came up trumps.
Emphasises that members of the family also need support and reassurance.
Emphasises that members of the family also need support and reassurance.
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Did they have any access to any sort of support apart from you supporting them?
I think they could've had if they'd have wanted but my husband is not, and probably most men are in the same boat, they wouldn't go for that support anyway, they don't want to talk about it to anybody else. So I think it were a case of family members supporting each other more than any outside help you know. But we always knew it were there if we wanted it. Like you know the Macmillan organisation were brilliant, I love plugging them (laughs).
Many people said that their friends felt uncomfortable and avoided them once they knew about the cancer diagnosis. Some of those with lung cancer found that others would cross the road to avoid a conversation because they did not know what to say. They thought that their friends were either embarrassed by the situation, or that they did not want to confront the idea of death. It was also suggested that other people might think that lung cancer patients were to blame because they had smoked. (Also see 'Feelings of stigma, shame and guilt about having lung cancer').
Immediately after he had the diagnosis neighbours tended to avoid him because they did not know...
Immediately after he had the diagnosis neighbours tended to avoid him because they did not know...
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Yeah, when I first had it certain people that I've known, I mean I've lived on this estate for just over forty years and certain people will almost cross the road not to talk to you because I think they were frightened of what to say, didn't know how to treat you.
How did that make you feel?
That makes you feel very uncomfortable but eventually everything is back to normal. In fact there's one little old lady just a few doors down she rings me up. I go round and see her virtually every day to see how she is, she's eighty four so I always pop in and see her and she rings me up if she's got a problem. But she rang me up yesterday and she said, "Haven't seen you for a couple of days," because I've been actually busy thinking about moving house so I've been looking everywhere for some, new premises and she said "I haven't seen you for a couple of days, you've not been poorly have you?" So I had to go pop round and see her to show her that I wasn't poorly yes.
That's nice.
Yes.
Yes so interaction with other people can be tricky to start with.
Yeah it can be tricky to start with. I think because they don't know what to say they're a bit worried about putting their foot in it sort of thing but no. I suppose with some people it can be a bit awkward but with me it just didn't bother me at all, yeah.
Some people cross the road to avoid him because they don't know what to say.
Some people cross the road to avoid him because they don't know what to say.
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Comments that others are afraid of lung cancer and assume that it has been caused by smoking.
Comments that others are afraid of lung cancer and assume that it has been caused by smoking.
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Do you think it's the same with all cancers or more so with lung cancer?
I think so more so with lung cancer because people think you're dirty because you smoked. But they don't, I don't think they really realise it's not only from smoking it's, there's other things that you know that it's caused by. But also I think that they can't bear to think that they're going to see you suffer. With a lot of cancers you don't actually suffer, with lung cancer your breathing is very bad and you're gasping for breath and I think that is the bit they don't want to know. So if they detach themselves from it then they're not'.
What makes you feel this feeling that people think you said you're dirty because you smoked?
Well I think a lot of people think you've caused it yourself by smoking. I know eighty percent of the lung cancer cases are caused by smoking but there are cases that it's not caused by smoking.
Have people actually said that to you or is that just your thoughts?
No, no I did have one person say to me "Well you shouldn't have smoked should you?" But it was fashion in the sixties you, it was fashion, you went along with it and once you're on it you can't get off it (laughs). But no a lot of people, even now when you say "Oh I had lung cancer," they look at you and say "Did you smoke?" you know and it's just really a natural reaction that when you have lung cancer people automatically think you've brought it on yourself and it's a sort of a stigma.
Other people, however, reported that friends had been marvellous, helping with shopping, offering lifts to the hospital, providing practical help and making normal conversation as usual.
A few people said that they wanted other people to treat them as they had treated them before the diagnosis. They didn't want others to react with tears. Others commented that they did not want fake sympathy.
Some people realised that the diagnosis and the illness had made them self-absorbed or short tempered.
One man said since his diagnosis of lung cancer his friends and family had reassessed their lives, their working conditions, and use of recreational drugs. A woman said that as soon as she told her friends that she was ill they had sent her flowers, and then rushed to their doctors for checks-ups, fearing they might be ill too.
Says his circumstances have led others to reconsider their use of recreational drugs and working...
Says his circumstances have led others to reconsider their use of recreational drugs and working...
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In a very positive way in general. The only down side is the fact that you become self absorbed and you become just fascinated in your own condition and prospects and have little time and interest in other people's concerns. And that doesn't help the interplay between family and yourself. But on balance people are kind and helpful and positive and quite shocked as well. It does impact, people do, I know I'm aware of a lot of friends and family re-evaluating their own relationship with recreational drugs and working conditions and urban conditions in light of my circumstance yes.
That's very interesting. Do you feel you can talk to neighbours about it and how do they react?
Yes with great ease and I can talk to neighbours about it and [they're] shocked just because I look so fit and well and they were all quite shocked yes.
Some of her friends have offered support, while others have sent flowers and rushed to their...
Some of her friends have offered support, while others have sent flowers and rushed to their...
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And since then I've had amazing support from friends but various, some have stepped away because they find it difficult to handle, I've even had "Oh I saw you the other day Maureen walking along the road but you looked so poorly I hadn't got the courage to approach you because I didn't know what to say." And that I can understand and then others who I thought couldn't handle it have been right there with me the whole time.
Last reviewed May 2016.
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