Lung Cancer

How it affects family and friends

People said that when they first told family members about their lung cancer they were usually met with expressions of shock, fear, and distress - some did not know how to react and seemed embarrassed.

When he first told family members about his diagnosis they were tearful, but now they are calmer.

When he first told family members about his diagnosis they were tearful, but now they are calmer.

Age at interview: 57
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 57
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How has the family and your wider family reacted to all this?

At first they were the ones that were all in tears and I said, "I don't want no tears". Then I was told by one of the nurses "That's out of order Dave, I know the way you feel but you should allow them to cry because that's the way they feel. Let them go over that first bit first and then try and explain how you feel exactly." So I did that and then gradually it's come round to like now my daughter would've cried every day right, if I said, "I'm not going to die," she'd say "Oh don't' use the word die," and start crying you know.

Where as now I say to her "I've booked up my holiday and I couldn't get such and such a date," and she will now say to me "Well stop moaning, thinking yourself you're having a holiday, you're not supposed to be here," because the fear has all gone out of it, and I think the fear has gone out of it because I've kept up my end so much; ignore it, laugh at it, you know that's the way  I've been now that everybody is now seeing things my way.

You know my wife will say, "As far as I can see there's no killing you, you know, whether you want it or not there's no killing you', and my cousin has been up and visited me and brought his son with him you know and his other son couldn't make it but said he'd get up as soon as possible and then I spoke to him and said "Look you know I know what you're saying you want to get here as soon as possible because if anything happens." He said "Yeah." I said "You've known me long enough you trust me, if anything is going to happen I'll phone you, then get here, don't rush your backside off for no reason." So he hasn't done so and I'm very happy about that.  

Relationships within families can change as the result of illness, and sometimes news of the diagnosis helped to bring family members closer together. Some patients became aware of how important they were to their family and friends.

His illness has drawn members of the family together again.

His illness has drawn members of the family together again.

Age at interview: 60
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 57
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Anyway the following week, after I'd had the biopsy results from my specialist I went round and told her [my mother] and she took it very well, it was as though it didn't phase her too much. She said, "Well you're okay, you're going to have the operation next week so that's fine." And so my mother was fine, my father sadly passed away in 1991, my partner was very upset and my sister was upset. My brother, well we haven't really hit it off for quite a long time now but following the operation he came to see me in hospital and we sort of became pals again in a way. 

It was sometimes hard to predict how other people would react to the diagnosis. Most family members offered great support, but a few people complained that support had not been forthcoming when they needed it. Some people emphasised that their loved ones had to face a very difficult time too and needed support and reassurance themselves. (See also 'Telling the children and grandchildren').

Explains that the family has been very supportive.

Explains that the family has been very supportive.

Age at interview: 67
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 67
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Well my wife and that, I've got two sons and well for my wife she's been very supportive for me, she's all these things, she's a rock and my anchor and all this sort of stuff, she's been a great support for me, front line soldier. You get a wee bit short tempered and you're not conscious of being short tempered but I get a wee bit short tempered without realising it but my wife herself she's got a good understanding of that I think and she's helped me.  

And I've got two sons one lives at home, he's in the process of setting up his, moving out of the family home, setting up his own home just now and he's been, my son he's been very supportive and my eldest son he's, he lives away, he lives down south, he lives down in York so he's a bit of a distance away. But as soon as [my son] had, as soon as he, my eldest son heard the news well it was he and my grandson came up you know within hours of hearing to see what it was. But to see if he could do anything for us but we're a strong family, we're a close family, we've got our faith and we found all these things have got an accumulative effect, these slide into the, that's what the family units are all about, have your family and that and family has been very important to us.

Her family have offered her no support but friends have been wonderful.

Her family have offered her no support but friends have been wonderful.

Age at interview: 61
Sex: Female
Age at diagnosis: 59
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I didn't have any family support. I think, I don't know whether it was that because they're of an age where cancer was a death sentence immediately, they were frightened I really don't know, I never got to the bottom of it.  

So I, and I said I didn't see them for twenty months but, or I didn't see my sister for twenty months and I've only got the one sister. I've only got one nephew now and I've spoken to him three times on the phone and never seen him which is hurtful because on the other hand when my sister has been ill I was always there. I would call round, I would go and see her in hospital but according to my brother in law the hospital that I was going to when I was in it was too far for him to travel. But they've got a car.

How awful.

So that was, it was. But there again as my friend says "You've managed to get through a horrendous twelve months, you've come out the other side, you didn't need them then so you don't really need them now." But I've got to admit at least I have seen my sister, she did finally come round and see me just after Christmas last year. But things will never ever been the same of course. But as far as my friends are concerned they came up trumps.  

Suggests that his wife had to cope with a great deal, perhaps even more than he did.

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Suggests that his wife had to cope with a great deal, perhaps even more than he did.

Age at interview: 52
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 50
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But one thing that I think we've talked about me as a patient I think the spouse in these matters goes through a lot more in a certain way than I, it's something, when I'm speaking with people I always say “we” rather than “I”, because I think in a different way she went through possibly more. She was the one that had to leave the hospital when I was at my lowest ebb, and go home on her own, that can't have been very easy. She was the one that didn't voice her fears as much as she might have liked to. Although we do have friends who I'm sure she, she was able to talk to them. But to a large extent whoever, the spouse or the parent of the patient sometimes takes the brunt of a lot of things that go on. So I like to, as I say I like to, when I speak and when I think I like to say “we” rather than I went through this because that is how we went through rather than I went through it.

That's really important.

It is important, well it's important to me and my wife I don't think she'd disagree with that although she's not, she would never admit that she went through those bad times. It's something she actually hasn't discussed with me but I know her and I know that she did so, but I don't need any discussion on the matter really.

Emphasises that members of the family also need support and reassurance.

Emphasises that members of the family also need support and reassurance.

Age at interview: 55
Sex: Female
Age at diagnosis: 50
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But members of the family need just as much reassurance and they need just as much support, probably as what the patient does, you know. And in my case probably some members of the family even more than I needed it, you know, because they were just so terrified.

Did they have any access to any sort of support apart from you supporting them?

I think they could've had if they'd have wanted but my husband is not, and probably most men are in the same boat, they wouldn't go for that support anyway, they don't want to talk about it to anybody else. So I think it were a case of family members supporting each other more than any outside help you know. But we always knew it were there if we wanted it. Like you know the Macmillan organisation were brilliant, I love plugging them (laughs).

Many people said that their friends felt uncomfortable and avoided them once they knew about the cancer diagnosis. Some of those with lung cancer found that others would cross the road to avoid a conversation because they did not know what to say. They thought that their friends were either embarrassed by the situation, or that they did not want to confront the idea of death. It was also suggested that other people might think that lung cancer patients were to blame because they had smoked. (Also see 'Feelings of stigma, shame and guilt about having lung cancer'). 

Immediately after he had the diagnosis neighbours tended to avoid him because they did not know what to say.

Immediately after he had the diagnosis neighbours tended to avoid him because they did not know what to say.

Age at interview: 58
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 55
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What about neighbours, can you talk about this to neighbours?

Yeah, when I first had it certain people that I've known, I mean I've lived on this estate for just over forty years and certain people will almost cross the road not to talk to you because I think they were frightened of what to say, didn't know how to treat you.

How did that make you feel?

That makes you feel very uncomfortable but eventually everything is back to normal.  In fact there's one little old lady just a few doors down she rings me up. I go round and see her virtually every day to see how she is, she's eighty four so I always pop in and see her and she rings me up if she's got a problem. But she rang me up yesterday and she said, "Haven't seen you for a couple of days," because I've been actually busy thinking about moving house so I've been looking everywhere for some, new premises and she said "I haven't seen you for a couple of days, you've not been poorly have you?" So I had to go pop round and see her to show her that I wasn't poorly yes.

That's nice.

Yes.

Yes so interaction with other people can be tricky to start with.

Yeah it can be tricky to start with. I think because they don't know what to say they're a bit worried about putting their foot in it sort of thing but no. I suppose with some people it can be a bit awkward but with me it just didn't bother me at all, yeah.
 

Some people cross the road to avoid him because they don't know what to say.

Some people cross the road to avoid him because they don't know what to say.

Age at interview: 57
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 57
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And I call this the crossing the road syndrome and the reason I call it that is that people actually who know you and who actually like you, cross the road when they see you because they just don't know what to say. And I get on far better with my old friends from London who phone up and say, I answer the phone, and I say good morning and I say the number and they say things like "Oh great you're not dead yet then we can have a chat," and we both laugh and then we start chatting. And that's what people I think have to realise with cancer is that just because you've got cancer you're not dead, if somebody has a heart attack you don't start talking about the person as if they're dead and gone already. But with cancer very often people do talk about you, they talk about you as if you're not there, you know they say to your wife "Isn't it a shame that he's got it?" and you're sitting there, you say "Excuse me, hello I'm still alive."

Comments that others are afraid of lung cancer and assume that it has been caused by smoking.

Comments that others are afraid of lung cancer and assume that it has been caused by smoking.

Age at interview: 56
Sex: Female
Age at diagnosis: 52
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I think they're frightened, I think it's like when you get a death in the family people will cross the road so as not to actually have to bring up the subject and I think it's the same with cancer. 

Do you think it's the same with all cancers or more so with lung cancer?

I think so more so with lung cancer because people think you're dirty because you smoked. But they don't, I don't think they really realise it's not only from smoking it's, there's other things that you know that it's caused by. But also I think that they can't bear to think that they're going to see you suffer. With a lot of cancers you don't actually suffer, with lung cancer your breathing is very bad and you're gasping for breath and I think that is the bit they don't want to know. So if they detach themselves from it then they're not'.

What makes you feel this feeling that people think you said you're dirty because you smoked?

Well I think a lot of people think you've caused it yourself by smoking. I know eighty percent of the lung cancer cases are caused by smoking but there are cases that it's not caused by smoking.

Have people actually said that to you or is that just your thoughts?

No, no I did have one person say to me "Well you shouldn't have smoked should you?" But it was fashion in the sixties you, it was fashion, you went along with it and once you're on it you can't get off it (laughs). But no a lot of people, even now when you say "Oh I had lung cancer," they look at you and say "Did you smoke?" you know and it's just really a natural reaction that when you have lung cancer people automatically think you've brought it on yourself and it's a sort of a stigma. 

Other people, however, reported that friends had been marvellous, helping with shopping, offering lifts to the hospital, providing practical help and making normal conversation as usual.

A few people said that they wanted other people to treat them as they had treated them before the diagnosis. They didn't want others to react with tears. Others commented that they did not want fake sympathy. 

Some people realised that the diagnosis and the illness had made them self-absorbed or short tempered. 

One man said since his diagnosis of lung cancer his friends and family had reassessed their lives, their working conditions, and use of recreational drugs. A woman said that as soon as she told her friends that she was ill they had sent her flowers, and then rushed to their doctors for checks-ups, fearing they might be ill too.

Says his circumstances have led others to reconsider their use of recreational drugs and working conditions.

Says his circumstances have led others to reconsider their use of recreational drugs and working conditions.

Age at interview: 48
Sex: Male
Age at diagnosis: 48
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How has all this affected family and friends, relationships?

In a very positive way in general. The only down side is the fact that you become self absorbed and you become just fascinated in your own condition and prospects and have little time and interest in other people's concerns. And that doesn't help the interplay between family and yourself. But on balance people are kind and helpful and positive and quite shocked as well. It does impact, people do, I know I'm aware of a lot of friends and family re-evaluating their own relationship with recreational drugs and working conditions and urban conditions in light of my circumstance yes.

That's very interesting. Do you feel you can talk to neighbours about it and how do they react?

Yes with great ease and I can talk to neighbours about it and [they're] shocked just because I look so fit and well and they were all quite shocked yes.
 

Some of her friends have offered support, while others have sent flowers and rushed to their doctors for check-ups.

Some of her friends have offered support, while others have sent flowers and rushed to their doctors for check-ups.

Age at interview: 62
Sex: Female
Age at diagnosis: 55
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Well to start from the beginning, when word got out that I had cancer I would say 95% of my friends couldn't face me. My home looked like a florists although that was the time that I did cry, the first time I cried because I sat down and I thought it looks like a funeral parlour and I'm not going die. So I gave myself a talking to and said, "No people are frightened, they wanted to do something and they felt by sending me a bouquet of flowers and a few kind words that's all they could do for the time being." And I will say a lot of my friends also went rushing to the doctors for check-ups thinking well if Maureen could be ill, so seriously ill when she looks and behaves like she does there might be something wrong with me.  

And since then I've had amazing support from friends but various, some have stepped away because they find it difficult to handle, I've even had "Oh I saw you the other day Maureen walking along the road but you looked so poorly I hadn't got the courage to approach you because I didn't know what to say." And that I can understand and then others who I thought couldn't handle it have been right there with me the whole time.
 

Last reviewed May 2016.

 

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