Lung Cancer
Telling the children and grandchildren
Decisions about whether or not to discuss a serious illness with others can be difficult. The need for support has to be weighed up against the desire for privacy. Wanting to protect certain people from distress may also be a consideration. Some of the hardest questions arise when talking to children about cancer.
Almost all those with lung cancer interviewed here were in favour of an open, honest approach. Most had teenage or grown up children. One man said that children will know that something is wrong and that if they are not told it leads to complications later on. He also asserted that children deserve to be told.
Says it wasn't easy telling the children but recommends being open with everybody.
Says it wasn't easy telling the children but recommends being open with everybody.
Well I asked the kids to come out and they all came out and, that's a lie, that's not quite strictly true. We went straight from the hospital round to see my eldest daughter, my only daughter who is the eldest and I think she was prepared because we had talked to her about it and said that probably it is going to be lung cancer. But we went down and had a few tears down my daughter's house all of us and a cup of tea (laughs) works wonders, a cup of tea. And I seen the boys and told them, and not a very nice job to do but they had to be told and they've been excellent really, they've been very good.
So you'd recommend being open with the family, with children?
I'd recommend being open with everybody.
One woman said that she needed to tell her children (who were aged 12, 18 and 20), particularly because she was going to lose her hair while having chemotherapy. She said that she had found a brilliant book at the hospital called “How to tell the children”.
People were adamant that older children should be told the truth, even though this was not always easy. One woman was a bit reluctant to tell her grown-up children at first but concluded that she had to tell them because they were well educated and would associate chemotherapy with cancer anyway. A mother of a 12-year-old child said that if you try to hide the facts you will 'slip up' and the children will 'catch you out'.
Children react in different ways when they receive news that a parent has cancer. They may be desperately upset at first, and some may find it hard to talk about the situation. However, many people said that their children had been supportive, (see 'Feelings of stigma, shame and guilt about having lung cancer' and 'How it affects family and friends').
She decided to tell her children the diagnosis because they were educated and would suspect she had cancer.
She decided to tell her children the diagnosis because they were educated and would suspect she had cancer.
How did you tell the rest of the family, the children?
Well I didn't want to tell them at all, but unfortunately in this day and age if you mention chemotherapy or the treatment it makes you iller than what you are to begin with, well people are well educated enough to know what's wrong. So I've got two sons and two daughters and I told my eldest daughter first and then I went on to tell the other three and obviously they all got upset. I've had different reactions from them, I mean now I think they've forgotten that I've ever had it, you know, but at the time, when I wanted to talk about it my daughters were very helpful and they'd listen without getting upset and weepy. But one of, my oldest son he just, he burst out in tears at the least mention of it, you know really didn't want to talk about it at all. But like I say, now I think he's forgotten that I've ever had it you know.
Says that his children reacted to the news of his diagnosis in very different ways.
Says that his children reacted to the news of his diagnosis in very different ways.
Hmm
And the worse the news the longer that period of time, the more he's processing it. Whereas my daughter is much more, you get an immediate response and her immediate response was to be very tearful. So they, they reacted in exactly the same way, in exactly the, the way that I would have expected them to have reacted. My daughter's married, so you know, we also told my son-in-law at the same time and my son has a partner so we, we told her at the, the same time and that was really hard to do.
His children were 'absolutely shattered' when they first heard about the diagnosis.
His children were 'absolutely shattered' when they first heard about the diagnosis.
Obviously it must've been very difficult telling the children, what would you recommend to other people who are thinking about what to tell the children or how to tell the children?
I think that there isn't any easy way; I've always met things head on. I mean the children all knew that I was going through this particular consultation and what the outcome was likely to be and I just told them I'd got lung cancer and that it's inoperable, but I'm not dead yet. And that's the way I've treated most things and even their own problems we've always tried to deal with it in that particular way.
They were absolutely shattered and a lot of tears, but they did actually get over it and they were aware of it. And I think the very act of having treatment has made it easier for them, that something is actually happening, and they'll perhaps see it rather differently if and when I get to the end of these particular treatments and there is nothing left. But time will tell. I mean unfortunately I thought when I was first diagnosed I'd got a year, I'd got six months, I've got now fifteen months, I might last another six, I might last another year, it's all a bonus. And so yeah, just carry on one day at a time.
He thought it important to tell his children the diagnosis, and they have been very supportive.
He thought it important to tell his children the diagnosis, and they have been very supportive.
Tell them, tell them. Tell them, tell them honestly everything you know, it's the only way. If you've got any respect for your children you'd tell them. I think that it's very much oh I don't know, I could be getting into deep water here but I have an unconditional love I guess for my children so, we're a very close family, and they're very supportive of me. They're very intelligent, children are very, very intelligent and they don't miss things like that. And it might even be unspoken but your body language, everything will tell them that there is something wrong, you know irrespective of whether you verbalize it they'll know that something is wrong and if you don't tell them then you know it just sets up a whole series of complications for both them and you later on. Because obviously if death is an issue then you know I think they deserve to be in on it, deserve to have some kind of, you know I'm sure, well I hope I'm very important to them so I think it's important that they know that I'm alright or that I'm not going to be alright or whatever. I mean obviously the outcome in my case was very good but I'd still tell them if it wasn't.
Young children are most concerned with immediate events and may need only simple explanations. Some people talked about their conversations with their grandchildren and the way in which they and their children had explained the situation. Two recalled discussions they had with grandchildren who were aged eight and nine.
Explains how she and her son told her 8-year-old granddaughter about her illness.
Explains how she and her son told her 8-year-old granddaughter about her illness.
I do because I have an eight-year-old granddaughter who knows grandma coughs, and grandma disappears, and I felt it was time that she was told because at eight years old you begin to overhear adult conversations and I would hate for her to have an unexplained situation. So my son sat her down very quietly and said to her, "You know grandma coughs a lot," he said, "Well she's got something growing inside her that should not be there and this is what makes her cough. And when we don't see her for a while it's because she's going into hospital to have some nasty medicine to shrink it." And this she's accepted and not asked any questions. We didn't mention the word cancer to her but a few days later she sudden looked at me and said to me "Grandma where is it and how did it get there?" So I said, "What do you mean?" because she took me unawares, and she said, "Well that thing that's growing inside you." And I just said to her, "Well do you know what is meant when adults say that's the million dollar question?" she said "Yes, it means that you don't know," so, and she has dealt with it very well. And the other question she asked us, will I start coughing again and I said "Yes probably one day," and she's okay with that.
Explains how his granddaughter was told about his cancer and describes her reaction.
Explains how his granddaughter was told about his cancer and describes her reaction.
Oh, they were very upset. It wouldn't happen to their dad, you know. But it has and that's it.
Was it difficult telling them? What would you recommend to people about telling children about serious illness?
Oh, tell them. Tell them. Because they will get very cross if you didn't tell them. It would hurt them. And even my grandchildren know. I've got one grandchild. She's nine, and she said to her mother, 'Is granddad ill?' So she said, 'Yes he is'. So she said, 'Has he got cancer?', so she said, 'Yes he has'. 'Is he being looked after properly?' she said, so my daughter said, 'Yes, he is'. And we're fine. And she comes in. 'Hello granddad, how are you?' And she sent me a card when I was going into hospital. 'I hope it doesn't hurt too much'. (laughs). So when I spoke to her on the phone, I said, 'No it didn't hurt at all'. I said, 'They're lovely, these nurses. I've never been helped by so many young women at my age!' (laughs), and we laughed about it. 'Ooh, I'll tell Nanny!' she said (laughs). And we, we still carry on normal. You've got to. I mean, when they come, you just carry on normal.
One man pointed out that all children are different and that when deciding what to say you have 'got to pick your child'. He recalled the conversation he had had with his nine-year-old grandchild about death.
He had a conversation with his grandchild about death.
He had a conversation with his grandchild about death.
Yes, I think you've got to pick your child. I certainly wouldn't like to think that my grandchildren were having nightmares about granddad having lung cancer. I think it's better and I think children can accept that you have an illness. But whether they accept that it is going, that you are going to die. I mean they say, the little one said, "Are you going to die granddad?" and I said, "Oh heavens yes," I said "everybody is going to die," I said, "but I'm not thinking of going yet, certainly not till after your birthday," and that was it, the subject was never mentioned again.
One woman who was concerned about the stigma associated with cancer, decided not to 'burden' her young grandchildren with news of her disease. Her daughter spoke to the children's teachers about the situation in case the grandchildren 'inadvertently' became aware of the situation.
Last reviewed May 2016.
Last updated May 2012.
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