Interview LC44

Age at interview: 54

Age at diagnosis: 54

Brief Outline: Diagnosed with lung cancer in March 2003 (later confirmed as small cell), followed by chemotherapy May-August 2003, and is waiting to start radiotherapy.

Background: University lecturer, married, 2 children.

Explains why he has not searched the Internet for information.

Did you look for more information yourself, like on the Internet or anything?

No, I, I didn't and, again because my current professional background, finding things out is what I do. But in fact I was given some advice by the lung nurse specialist about being very careful about doing that because the quality of information is often very variable. There are some very good sources but there are also some not so good ones and also, yeah, it's important to keep yourself not only physically strong but I think psychologically strong. One, I mean, one of the things that is sustaining me is that a lot of the statistical information that you get deals in averages  

Hmm

And actually different sorts of averages. I mean, I think people don't understand sometimes that there are means, you know, there's a mean, there's a median and so on. And so when somebody's told something like the average life expectancy with this condition is 4 years, what they hear is, 'I've got 4 years to live'. They might actually have less but they could also have more and the more or less depends, at least to some extent, on them. And you know, being prepared to, manage the illness and being prepared to as, as far as you can, control it. You know, that, and that, that's easier said than done, and that will vary a lot from person to person, the extent to which they can do that, feel able to do that. I, I certainly acknowledge that will vary a lot.  

Hmm

But I actually haven't gone to any websites and I, I probably won't, other than people talking about their own experience because a lot of the statistical information it, it just talks in average and, well nobody's average. 

Describes his feelings when he first heard the diagnosis and his way of coping.

And what were your feeling when you first heard all this bad news?

Dread. Fear, fear. And I, I know I still am fearful but what, what happens alongside that is you begin to accommodate to it and you begin to sort out strategies to deal with it and certainly one of my strategies is to, to go back to some of the things that I've enjoyed doing and part, particularly keeping fit. I mean, one of my consultants said exercise is a positive benefit. Well, I'm for that. So I'm, I'm doing it.  

But you, you do, everybody's different and everybody will have their own ways of, of coping. That's one of my ways. Another way is to read, which I do anyway. So in a way it's, it's, it's doing all the things that I've normally done and trying to live as normal a life as possible. And, and, you know, going back to work, which I will be doing in about a month's time, I'm actually looking forward to going back to work  because it makes you feel normal. It's a, you know, a re-engagement with life. The fear and the anxiety don't go away. There isn't a day when I don't think, you know, 'I've got cancer, why did this happen? This is horrible, it's terrible. What does it mean in terms of life expectancy?' But at, there's another level  I mean, for me, I tend to be a bit bloody-minded anyway although I don't think I'm difficult, but I, I can be obstinate. So for me it's something about having something inside you that doesn't belong there and it, it threatens you. So for me the, the response has been to threaten it back and to, you know, to fight it and think of ways of doing that. So I've started doing things like, it's a version of Tai Chi but it's, it's a Chinese breathing exercise which I've actually liked doing and, you know, which is a positive benefit.

Says that his children reacted to the news of his diagnosis in very different ways.

Telling our two children was extremely difficult. We actually told them on the same day, but not at the same time and the reason for that is that they're very different people and they reacted, in fact they reacted as we thought they would react, but in very different ways. My son, if he's told bad news, becomes very quiet and introspective. And you, you may wait for months before you get comments or questions about what you've said.

Hmm

And the worse the news the longer that period of time, the more he's processing it. Whereas my daughter is much more, you get an immediate response and her immediate response was to be very tearful. So they, they reacted in exactly the same way, in exactly the, the way that I would have expected them to have reacted. My daughter's married, so you know, we also told my son-in-law at the same time and my son has a partner so we, we told her at the, the same time and that was really hard to do. 

His GP has been supportive, the nurses caring and kind, and he found communication with doctors...

My, my opinion about the NHS has always been positive but my experience with the, the lung tumour has really confirmed that both, well with the, the pneumonia before that as well. You know, my, my GP  has been extremely supportive. All the nursing staff have been very supportive and caring and kind. It, all, all the stereotypes of, the positive stereotypes of the, of the nurse, they've conformed to. And the consultants have been very clear in what they've said, they've been extremely efficient. In the main they haven't accorded with the stereotype of the consultant being this god-like creature who won't answer questions. And, coming from my professional background I, I do tend to notice people's social skills.

Right

And with one exception you know, they've, they've been very good. You know, they've been very engaging and been, been willing to be engaged and they've, they've invited questions. So aside from the fact that there was, there were delays at the beginning about my getting treatment, simply to establish what was wrong, 

Hmm

And I, and I, I actually don't expect doctors and nurses to know everything, I know some people do but I don't because they're human beings, but once the treatment had got started it's been very good indeed. 

He has a lot to live for and the thought of possibly dying relatively young, leaving others, is...

So what are your greatest fears, or anxieties?

I think it's about life expectancy and I'm thinking, 'Right, well I'm 54 now,  yeah maybe I've got another 10 years but if I were to die in 10 years, that's only 64'. So there's a lot of me that's thinking, 'That's not fair', you know, 'I don't deserve this'. It's almost that sort of feeling. Leaving people before your time, I find that very difficult. And, and I don't think, I'm not sure whether that's going to get easier. But what that does and, and, and a fear of death. I mean, I think many people have a fear of death and I'm not in the slightest bit spiritual and I'm unlikely to become so. So I just see it as, as an end and the thing is if you've got a lot to live for, and I have, then you don't like that idea. I don't like it. You're not supposed to like it. But what that also does is reinforce the determination to preserve your health, to look after yourself, which I was doing anyway. But it's, it's, it's reinforced that even, even more.  

Says that he has not joined a support group because he has had wonderful support from family and...

Have you ever thought of joining a support group or have been told about a support group or anything like that?

I did get some information from, I'm not sure whether I can mention the name, but, can I mention the name, of the Bristol Cancer Help Centre? I got some information from them. I don't feel the need to join a support group at the moment mainly because I think I've got a support group. My wife in particular. She's not a group on her own, of course. My wife, my children, other relatives, colleagues. You know, colleagues at, sent me cards, they've come round and, and so on. So I, I feel that I've got a support network. You know, and as I said earlier, I've, I've had cards from current students who I will be going to see and I will thank them for that. And from ex-students, which is, you know,  that's great.