Mental health: ethnic minority experiences

And do you see a psychiatrist or…?

I see one every two months… Yes, he's quite good actually. He is I didn't like him at first because I thought he looked like a banker [Laughs]. But he proved to be really kind of good, you know, supportive. I mean he's really helpful, with, you know, me preparing to go to university. He's making sure I get all the support I need from the university. So, you know, he has been good. Yes. 

Are they white, your Mental Health Team?

My psychiatrist is white. My nurse, she's a Black woman… It's the Mental Health Team is reflective of the kind of ethnic, the ethnicity of the area I am in, which is really good actually. So there is a mix of white, Black and Asian professionals, you know.

Do you think it matters?

It does matter. Hugely it matters, you know.

In what way?

…It's just you just feel more at home really, if I mean, for example, when I was growing up, we lived on a kind of really hugely racist street. So… and that made me at times too scared to go to school, and, you know, and I'd be surrounded by teachers asking me why was I scared. They were all white, they had no, any kind of understanding of where we were coming from saying, you know, we were too scared to go to school, because there were certain people in the street who would swear at us, or spit at us. They just, they hadn't been through the experience. They would try to argue… You know, their argument that it's not so bad. You know, people aren't that bad and stuff like that, yes. It's just… I think every Black person in this country has experienced some racism unfortunately… 

It's a very huge, sort of tricky subject actually. But to me it just feels nice that there is a nice of, not only ethnic backgrounds, but ages and kind of sexualities and it, all, you know, all that really is helpful, you know. Because I mean, how could I relate my life to what, for example, a white middle class, professional male, when my, my, my experience has been the total opposite, you know. That he's in a very empowered position, not really understanding what it is to be disempowered. You know. So it, it just closes the gap between service user and professionals if there is, you know, you know, other kind of other ethnicities and kind of other ways of life, you know, in. So it just closes a gap and the gap needs closing you know?

But yes, I just, I don't always think that middle class people can understand like, oh and, you know, white middle class people can understand. I mean for instance, like they would not understand Asian culture. And things like, you know, like in Asian culture it's kind of like you don't talk to people outside the family. You know, you don't let them know things, it stays in the family, and… I don't know, I think they, they are looking at things from what is normal from a white middle class person's perspective. And what might be normal for them will not necessarily be normal for me. You know, I mean for instance in this culture it's very much kind of individualistic, sort of go-getting thing, whereas in other cultures it might be more sort of collective community that's more important. I mean for instance like just giving an example, I don't really have very much ambition and in this culture that matters, because we are kind of brought up to achieve and succeed and have a career and be successful, whereas if I was growing-up in, I don't know, an African village or something, it would be fine for me to just, I don't know, you know, gut fish or something for a living and I'd still be part of the community and valued. I don't know, I just…

[long inhalation of breath] I walked in and I saw a black female GP and I was so relieved. I was so relieved. And I just thought, well I knew she would be female, but I didn't know if she would be black, or if she'd be white, or if she'd be South East Asian or if she would be, I didn't know. And I really just, I really wanted to get vulnerable with her and just, you know, tell her this is what has been going on for me and stuff, but she was so strong, you know, she was so strong that I kind of, you know, I let the jelly off the plate for a bit, but when I looked into her eyes, I realised that I don't think it's acceptable. So I put the mould back on and kind of spoke to her like that, and like this, and like that I am fine and dah dah and she just said, 'Okay fine. All right then. And what can we do for you?' And I just thought well I don't know what you can do for me [laughs]. I am here to talk to you so you can tell me what you can do for me. I'm not here to tell you. And then eventually she just said, 'Well all right then, I'll tell you what, I'll give you a month off. Because it is clear that you are depressed, and yes, come back and see us again in a month.' And that was it. 

Is that what you were expecting?

No way. I really thought that. I walked in there and I saw a black woman and I thought this black woman if I talk to her and let her know, she will just, you know, slip into my shoes and she'll know exactly what I am talking about. She'll know the language. You know, she'll know the sisterhood language and, but it wasn't like that at all. It wasn't like that. And I don't know if my vulnerability made her feel vulnerable and made her feel soft, and made her feel less then strong. And it was something that she didn't want to identify with at that time. I mean I see her as a black female GP, but I don't know how many, you know, trials she has been through. How many times she's had to stand up for her race and her gender. I don't know how many times she could have written a letter of complaint about someone's treatment of her, but chose not to. I don't know what her history was. The only thing was I just wanted this woman who was going to understand [laughs] and I didn't get her. I didn't get that on that day.

So the next day, the next time I went a month later I went back and I, I, oh I hate going to the doctors, I hate it. I hate the thing of not being well. And not being well in a way that you can't look at me and see. And so I go to the GP and I wait in the surgery and I see people around me and it makes me anxious and I can feel my heart racing and I can feel it pounding in my ears and I can feel fight or flight and there have been occasions when they have given me the wrong times for my appointments. I have had to go there and wait. Like, you know, I have arrived at 10 o'clock think that my appointment is at 10. And they say oh no, no, there was a mistake, sorry. Your appointment is actually at 10.40. So I have had to sit and wait and of course they don't call you at 10.40. So it's 10.50 something that I will be in and I am sitting there and I'm getting more and more anxious. Anyway so I made another appointment a month later and thought, let me see someone else. So I saw another GP and this was a GP that I'd seen at another practice before. And her style is, 'Let's get you in and get you out as soon as possible, is that okay, lovey? Good. What have you got, okay fine, medical certificate, right jolly good. Trying to find, how does this computer work?' And I was giving her IT classes in my, in the doctor's surgery. And I just thought well, you know what, this is obviously not the space for this and then she just said, 'Well thanks for the IT lesson' [Laughs]. And that was it. She gave me my certificate and I was gone. 

So, I then made another appointment a month with another GP who was wonderful. She was wonderful. She’s an Arabic lady and she was just, she was everything I could have asked for. She had ears and she was looking at me, and she was not just hearing what I was saying, but she was actually looking to, you know, correlate what she was hearing with what she was seeing and asking me questions and, you know, she really was there, and the clock wasn’t there for her and she was really, and that was brilliant. It allowed me to get vulnerable without feeling that I was being weak and silly and she talked about it for me, with me, and she talked about the abuse and she talked about how it might feel for me and she talked about, you know, taking time out to get that, to get myself back together. She talked about the importance of recognising that before you can give to somebody else you really need to be right in yourself, and she was, we were talking about all of that. And I saw her for a couple of months and then she went away on leave, yeah, on leave.

So, I saw another GP who was a man and it was just by chance, but he was really brilliant. He went on the internet and he was downloading all this information on depression [laughs] and antidepressants and all of that, “Oh and I understand that your Father died.” And he was giving me all this information on bereavement and how to understand bereavement and what is it, you know, and how to maximise your grief so that you can get on with life and he was printing all this stuff and all of that and he was really, really brilliant. And then I went back and he was saying look if you need to talk to someone, come to the surgery, you may not have an appointment, but just come. Tell them that you want to come as an emergency and when all the appointments have gone you can just come in and then we can have a talk. And I thought that was so brilliant, but because I don’t like being in the surgery [shakes head] I never went.

And then I went back and he was on leave and so I saw the Arabic lady who was now just back from leave. She was changed. She was now changed. She was now, what I call post vacation syndrome, where you’re still really on vacation, you’re resentful that you had to come back, you were having a really, really good time. And gosh you know what, now you are back on the rat race, back on the treadmill and you don’t really want to be there. And so I asked her how her holiday was and she was talking to me about her vacation and talking to me about the importance of giving yourself realistic periods away, because if you have any less then three weeks, you don’t really have the chance to unwind and then prepare and she had a really brilliant time with her family, and [laughs] but she, yes, she just, her head just wasn’t there. It wasn’t there and it was kind of sad.

But then it meant that next appointment I had to see the original black GP again, but when I saw her this time, she was completely different. She was completely different and she was much softer and she was much, you know, and, and I just figured that maybe she is just prior to her leave, maybe she is just tired and worn out and it’s okay now, “Hey, come in how you like, I don’t really care. I so tired. I don’t mind [laughs]. Say what you want. What is it you are here about? Oh, okay good.” But that was really, really, brilliant and she was the one who did my prescription for the antidepressants and we talked about them. Because I explained that, you know, I have just this fear of dependency and so she explained about that and said that she would be monitoring it and talked about how I would take it and if I had any problems that I should go back. I’m due to make an appointment next week. So that we can go back at my three-week point. So that she can look at how it’s doing. And if I need to get another prescription at that point.

Yes, we also talked about when I am fine again, how I can get off, off them and how not to get off, off them. Don’t just stop them. So, we talked about that too. And, it was really, really productive, it was really, really. When I left, I really felt like buying her some flowers. If I’d had some money, I would have bought her some flowers and taken them back that day. It was, it was brilliant. Yes.