Tariq - Interview 06
More about me...
Tariq is a 21 year old man of Asian origin. He is a full-time university student. He says his diagnosis has been difficult to pinpoint' first he was diagnosed with manic depression (aged 18) and then with schizophrenia. He's tried various medications, and his current one works but blocks out his feelings, causes drowsiness and makes it difficult to study and watch TV. He takes his medication late at night to manage these side-effects.
Tariq believes that his mental health difficulties were caused by the bullying and physical assaults he experienced at school following September 11 2001 combined with the trauma of having open heart surgery (he was born with a heart defect).
When he first became unwell, Tariq began to feel anxious, down, suicidal and was constantly reliving the bullying he had experienced. At first he thought this was normal. Just before his exams, he felt worse' he didn't want anyone to speak to him, felt like smashing things, and felt uncomfortable walking to college. He said he tried to act “normally” so people wouldn't be suspicious. Tariq also experienced hallucinations (he saw dead people and people followed him around the house), delusional thoughts and thought blocking (not being able to think for himself) and he attempted suicide several times. His mental health difficulties mean that he still gets anxious in public places. Tariq believes he is in recovery but that it will take years to recover.
Tariq is on an enhanced Care Programme Approach so he sees a psychiatrist, a psychologist and a mental health nurse. Tariq strongly disagrees with the idea of institutional racism because he has not experienced it personally. He is very happy with his mental health team, who he describes as warm, compassionate and kind. He felt he is listened to and says he negotiated his care plan. However, Tariq has written letters to his mental health trust to comment on the services he receives and to make suggestions for improvements. Tariq has also had a lot of support from his disability officer at university. Tariq has tried therapy, stress workshops, meditation, self-help books, and fitness videos but thinks “it's all rubbish”. Tariq is a practicing Muslim, but he says prayer has not helped him. He feels as though he has been rejected by his religion because of his mental health difficulties.
Tariq believes he has experienced more discrimination as a result of his mental health difficulties than his ethnic background. For example, Tariq described experiencing discrimination when applying for voluntary work because of his mental health difficulties. He believes that the Disability Discrimination Act is ineffective for people with mental health problems. Tariq has chosen to tell only close friends and family about his mental health difficulties because he feels that it could affect his chances of marrying in the future.
Tariq was made to feel like a “no-hoper” at school, but is proud to be at university, and this has boosted his self-esteem and confidence. He also works as a charity trustee and does voluntary work supporting hospital patients. Tariq plans to do a PhD and to become a university lecturer. Tariq is inspired by famous people in history who reportedly experienced mental health difficulties and feels he has gained from having mental health difficulties.
Tariq is inspired by people with mental health problems who have gone on to do well because you can still make a contribution to society; he says persevere and don't be embarrassed. (Played by an actor.)
Tariq is inspired by people with mental health problems who have gone on to do well because you can still make a contribution to society; he says persevere and don't be embarrassed. (Played by an actor.)
I want to be a service user that does well and when I, the thing is what I draw a lot of inspiration from is the people that have experienced mental health difficulties and have gone on to do well. You know, like if you look back at history, you know, Winston Churchill had mental heath, he had very bad depression, , Abraham Lincoln, one of the greatest presidents of America, he had mental health difficulties, so I think that, you know, mental health difficulties people experience in their life but they can do well, they can make an enormous contribution to society and I tend to look at it in a very positive way because if you started looking at it negatively what, what will people think of you…?
Beethoven, the famous classical, he was, he suffered from mental health, what's that guy's name, the guy who inspired Mahatma Ghandi, Tolstoy, he suffered from mental health, he mentioned in one of his books that he suffered from mental health difficulties. Many of the most significant figures in the 20th century and even before suffered mental health difficulties…
To, that they too can persevere, even though they've got mental health difficulties they can preserve not to feel embarrassed of their mental health difficulties, that to continue with life and to keep on working at what they're doing and not to be taken, not to let anyone pull them down because I think that if you let that happen then what will happen is that you'll go down and it will affect you really badly. But if you persevere and if you ignore those ignorant comments you will persevere in life and I feel that I've persevered. Even though I haven't got a PhD yet I think I've persevered and I've shown people that through my experience I've positively done things constructive in my life that a lot of people can learn from and a lot of people can adopt to their own lifestyle.
Tariq thought it would be helpful if professionals work more with families, and provide information in layman's language and contact details for organisations that can help. (Played by an actor.)
Tariq thought it would be helpful if professionals work more with families, and provide information in layman's language and contact details for organisations that can help. (Played by an actor.)
Yeah well I think one of the good ways of providing a very good tailored service would be for mental health expert, professionals to work with the families, to work with parents, to work with brothers and sisters in that family, to sit down and to talk to them. So for example I'm a patient it would be great if my parents and my family were able to sit down with my doctor, and my psychiatrist and the mental health nurse and the crisis team and talk together and find out the best way forward so that everyone feels involved, everyone feels they can contribute. And also then the family who have no experience of mental health services have a better understanding of the system, they are no, they know that in an emergency where they can take their son or daughter to, rather than them knowing nothing and then when an emergency arises they just sit there and say, 'Oh my God, what do we do now?' I think that's a good way, that's a good sort of technique that could be used. I think that is not used and it could be used more frequently. I think maybe more leaflets, more information in layman's language could be distributed to families, for example when crisis teams come to your home maybe they can leave a few leaflets so family members can have a look through them. And like on those you can have a catalogue of numbers and places where patients can go in an emergency, during out-patients or maybe for a respite break or maybe organisations they can contact for a, a social network around them where they can meet with other patients who have experienced similar mental health difficulties to themselves.
There are various other things that they could do but I think that they're not utilising these ways, they're, what they're doing is a lot of them don't have the time to do that and that's understandable because they're all busy, everyone is a busy person but I think that more could be done and it could be achieved but I think that can only be done, not by the professionals on their own I think it needs to be done through a filtered system where the trust board of Mental Health Trusts in different parts of the country can make these decisions, can look at ways forward, explore ways forward and then let these views filter down to the professionals. And then maybe work together with the professionals and, and see what ways they can actually get to families out there who have patients, or even, you know, about patients that ring hospitals to say they're very unwell, you know, what systems are there to get to them? You know, find out ways because there are hundreds of ways but people within the mental health system I feel that they're failing in that particular area but they can improve. I'm not saying because the thing is that they can improve but I'm not going to say they're racist because of it, I don't believe they are racist because they're not providing me with the tailored service that I wanted but I think that they improve, there's always room for improvement everywhere, in every walk of, in every walk of life, whatever profession there's always room for improvement but that takes time and that takes the participation of staff, patients, families, the senior people in that trust, working together to work for a more better , to work for, for a more better community and for, to help the patient involved recover and be able to integrate themselves back into the community in which they live.
When Tariq first began feeling unwell he didn't know what it was, but said it felt "normal" like having the 'flu. But he was still too embarrassed to tell people about it. (Played by an actor.)
When Tariq first began feeling unwell he didn't know what it was, but said it felt "normal" like having the 'flu. But he was still too embarrassed to tell people about it. (Played by an actor.)
One of the things you mentioned at the beginning was that when you started to feel unwell that you thought that what was happening to you was quite natural.
Yeah exactly because you just, honestly you just feel normal, you just feel like it's, it's when you feel, you know, when you feel , when you get the 'flu you, the 'flu is natural it's just, you know, it happens and you feel poorly but you just still feel the same, you still can do your stuff, you can still do, you know, gardening or cook or, or make yourself a cup of tea. You can still do your ordinary day to day things but it's just that you have a feeling where you have something coming over you like you've got the 'flu but you have to deal with it or you have to try and keep it out or you have to try and, you know, try to recover on your own etcetera. That's how it was like, I feel it was just natural that I was experiencing and that other young people may have experienced it as well. but I didn't want to tell anyone about it, I didn't want to tell my friends I just thought it might be a bit embarrassing, maybe I'm going through something or whatever so yeah I just felt it was just a natural part of a, a human being and what they go through. and because I feel that I'm sort of, because I'm all over the place and I'm very active and I go all over the place I feel that maybe because of it, I'm very, feeling very weak and that's really putting pressure on me etcetera but [pause] I don't think it was. Now I see it wasn't.
Did you have an idea of what it might be then?
No I didn't because I didn't, the thing is I didn't even think the slightest that it was to do with anything, I didn't think it was to do with my heart problems, I didn't think it was to do with anything else. I just didn't think anything, I just thought, you know, I wanted to get on with the day and do my college and etcetera and I didn't think any of it, anything of it.
And you said in the beginning you just tried to sort of cope.
Yeah exactly, I tried to get on with my day to day stuff at college and do what, what I had to do. I had, you know, I tried to sort of keep it completely up but on some occasion it was quite difficult because I experiencing very, you know, feeling very anxious and very, you know, my hands were getting very sweaty and I was getting very frightened for no reason, I don't know why. But there were times when I could sit in the classroom, I had to walk out and go to the woman that was based at our college to go and tell her this is how I'm feeling etcetera. And this may have been during the class that I'd walked out, and etcetera so yeah.
When his symptoms got worse, Tariq told people he trusted and they went with him to the hospital; he was given medication and then the crisis team visited him at home daily. (Played by an actor.)
When his symptoms got worse, Tariq told people he trusted and they went with him to the hospital; he was given medication and then the crisis team visited him at home daily. (Played by an actor.)
As time went I don't know what happened but I started feeling much worse , far more suicidal and it came to the extent where I just felt that I wanted to smash everything up around me and just break everything and whenever people spoke I started to get annoyed, I didn't want anyone to speak around me, I wanted to sort of peace and silence around me and it was sort of like that. And then within the last few weeks before my exam it was, it was at such an extent that the condition, my condition worsened to, worsened so much that. I was, I found a difficulty even walking to the college because I was feeling so anxious, so down, so upset but I didn't give it off as something that was obvious, I didn't make people around me feel suspicious, why is he feeling, you know, why does he look like that, I tried to keep my sort of try to act as normally as I could but deep down I was sort of ripped up completely and I couldn't think straight etcetera. but then after a period of time as the condition worsened it was decided we had, I had a meeting with the, the, the advisor and also we had a mental health nurse at our, our, at our college, we decided that the best way was we made a number of phone calls in the office and it was decided that I'd go to a local hospital because I was feeling really bad at that time. So all three of us, both of them came along with me because I wanted them to be there, we all went down. rather than going to the local one in that particular area where I had studied college they went down to my, the local one in my area so we drove down to that area. I wasn't, I wasn't sectioned or anything, I wasn't taken into hospital but what was decided I was given medication, I was subscribed medication there and then and then they, I went home and it was decided that, by the people at the hospital decided that the crisis teams that are now everywhere that they come and see me in my home every single day from that day on.
Tariq tried various different CAMs but found them all unhelpful and doubts how they can work for others. (Played by an actor).
Tariq tried various different CAMs but found them all unhelpful and doubts how they can work for others. (Played by an actor).
And what kind of things do you do now to help manage your symptoms?
I don't do anything, [laughs] I don't do anything because I, I've tried everything and I find everything ineffective in terms of , you know, all this, the therapy, it's all rubbish. they tell you that you should go stress workshop, I've been to stress workshop it's rubbish, they don't know nothing there. The people that run them are, are stupid as well because, honestly they don't know nothing and they're like you go along to these workshops and they'll be like, 'Breathe in, breathe out,' and then you're like, 'Is this a joke, is this, is this like a theatre play or something?' because these people don't know what they're doing and it's, it's like, you know, what are you doing, it's embarrassing. And you don't want to be there. And I've been to, you know, I've been to a lot of sort of stuff that has been run by the Mental Health Trust in my area, a lot of workshops and a lot of stuff for service users, everything I've been to has been a load of rubbish and it's all been ineffective. Some of the things that they tell me as in the crisis team told me breathe in and out, meditation, all these million and one things, none, nothing helps. Meditation doesn't help, meditation only helps people that, I don't think it helps anyone, I just think that people say it helps them but it doesn't because especially like in this, in this sort of developed modernised world where people are constantly in and out and people are constantly working and the world is going at such a fast pace there is no time for meditation, people that meditate are either lying or they are so, they are feeling this, you know, I don't know this sort of karma, whatever you call it, I don't, honestly I just think it's just all, I don't think any of it is true because I've actually tried it, I've actually tried to sit there for three hours but I can't even sit there for thirty seconds I just think right this is a joke [laughs]. I find every technique very ineffective so yeah.
Is there anything else that you've tried?
I've tried every.
Can you tell me more?
I've tried a million and one, I've used technique books that I've got from the library, I've used videos that, fitness videos, I've used advice from the crisis team, advice from the psychotherapy units, the psychology units at my hospital, my psychiatrist, my mental health nurse, I've, so many people have told me do this, do that, do this, nothing has worked, honestly nothing has worked. nothing as been as effective, nothing has even had a little real impact on me so I've, and they were still bringing up, you know, for example if I told the crisis team, 'Look load of rubbish what you're teaching me,' they'd come back a week later and they'll say, with printouts, they'll say 'Do this exercise, it will be great, you'll be running about.' And it doesn't work and I've just given up on all that fitness stuff because I just, none of it is effective, none of it helps and I've had no sort of positive outcome from anything that I've undertaken from the advice I've had from mental health professionals.
He says that being cared for at home by your family is best for young people, although he says his family had to physically restrain him when he was unwell. (Played by an actor).
He says that being cared for at home by your family is best for young people, although he says his family had to physically restrain him when he was unwell. (Played by an actor).
To be honest my family were able to deal with me, even at my worst times, , you know, when they were able to restrain me when I got worse but they didn't put much strength as a doctor, as I don't know someone who is, you know, who works in the public service, someone like a police officer when they detain someone and try to restrain them, they put a lot of power down. My parents tended to just hold onto my hands but not put too much pressure on them because every time they did I became more angry so they tended, they knew what, how to restrain me and they made sure that they didn't worsen my condition when they restrained me. But in hospital they restrain you, they don't care how you feel, if your condition is worse they'll hold you down , even if it's painful you can't shout and scream and stuff. So I think that being around my parents and my family has really benefited me and I think that most young people should be treated at home and that's sort of a widespread view that most people hold, most psychiatrists would hold and most professionals would hold. And even like if you go to any hospital, not even a mental health hospital, any hospital if you ask the doctor or the nurse where should a child be, should they be treated on a ward as in should they recover on a ward or should they recover at home. All of them will say they shouldn't be in hospital they should be at home because, and that's why in most hospitals you see that they try to release children as quickly as possibly back to their families because they want the children to be at home around their loved ones, they want them to go back to school as well because they know at that stage it's a very pivotal time for that child, they need to be in school and, you know, they're going through that stage where they're doing their GCSEs and it's quite a difficult time for them anyway.