Making decisions about birth after caesarean

And how did you feed her?

I breastfed her.

And that was okay? That wasn't difficult?

Yeah, no, it was absolutely fine. Again, I mean, she, more because she seemed to know what to do than anything else, but no, I mean, I never really' she was a bit, she was a bit of a colicky baby, well, not so much colic, but just kind of a bit windy, so we had a few kind of moments with that, but generally speaking she was a very, you know, she still is a very good feeder. And'

And how did you feed them?

I breastfed them.

And did you have any problems with that?

I did have at the start, yeah. I had about the first, well, the first few days were terrible and then the first couple of weeks were not great either, but after about three weeks it was okay. I just decided I wasn't going to give up really, so.

And was that because of the section and having had the scar or was it just with having twins, or?

I think a combination of having twins, having the delivery I had and not having breastfed children before so'

Oh, well done for persevering, I guess that must have been quite a nightmare at times? 

I thought it was gonna be hard. It was once they got a little bit bigger it was, once they were past I'd say the first month, it was okay, but, I think, I could see why people gave up, would give up. I mean, if I hadn't been so stubborn, I think I probably would have given up [laughs].
 

Did you have any worries or concerns after you had [daughter] about maybe the way that she delivered affected her or you at all? 

I had lots of problems breastfeeding and I did feel that that might be because there wasn't, because it, because I was absolutely exhausted because I'd been induced over two days. And it had made me very ill, being induced, and I found that really hard, then the sort of, you know, putting her on and breastfeeding straight away, that was difficult.

And was that something that you were able to do first time or did you not?

I gave up at six weeks, I couldn't. And she constantly needed topping up. She was a big baby. And I found breastfeeding really hard. I didn't find bonding with [daughter] hard but the actual sort of breastfeeding was difficult.

And was that with having a scar as well, did that, how did that affect?

I think it did at night time, the night feeds, sort of getting up and moving around. I found that really difficult, but, I mean, I've got a very supportive husband, he was fantastic so we did give it the best try we could and she was a big baby as well, and I didn't ever seem to produce enough milk so, and I don't know whether'that's something I didn't know about before, whether or not having a section affects, affected any of the sort of, the milk coming through or anything like that, that's something I still don't know actually, but that was something I wondered about. Because it seemed to be a long time before there was enough milk' to satisfy her and then, by which stage she was being topped up with formula and preferred that option.

And what were your concerns or worries about having a section? 

Well, I was concerned that it would take a long time to get back on my feet. And I was very surprised that the very next day, I was up having a shower [slight laugh]. But, yeah, I was concerned how long it would take for me to, to get, as I said to get back on my feet, and about breastfeeding. I was very adamant that I wanted to breastfeed. So, I was hoping that it wouldn't obstruct any breastfeeding.

And how did you feel about having a section?

Sorry, whereas in fact, the fact that I had been induced for three days meant that at a certain point I was given Pethidine*. I accepted Pethidine because I was completely out of it and it was that, that led to me, I was pretty sure, having difficulties breastfeeding. Because it took about twenty-four, just over twenty-four hours to get my little boy to latch on because he was half-asleep. So, yeah, it was, it was not the caesarean but maybe the insistence of trying to induce.

*Pethidine is a strong pain killer that may sedate the baby.

And do you feel that having a section affected your son in any way? I mean, the fact that he was prem and you didn't spend time together, did that worry you at all?

Yeah, I didn't get any post-natal depression, but I did sort of' I didn't feel how I thought I would feel until I brought him home. For the first ten days I didn't really' it wasn't reality that I was a mum, if you see what I mean.

That must have been weird, having had a baby and not-, not being with him?

Yeah, because I come home after about four days, because obviously I needed to get premature things and everything ready.

So, you know, my bump was gone and I had no baby' and it was a bit strange.

Do you think it had any long-term effects on your son at all?

No.

And do you think it had any long-term effects on you?

No, no.

And how did you feed your son?

Breastfed, I breastfed him.

And how did you find that? 

I found it fine. I mean, when he was in special care, it was the only thing I could do, if you know what I mean, because I couldn't bath him or hold him much, so I used to express it off and take it down and they tube-fed it to him.

And did that make you feel closer to him?

Yeah, that's, I think that was the one good thing about it really.

It was... I really can't remember exactly how I felt. It just sort of' I, because I think back then, I was sort of quite a quiet, withdrawn person who did lack a lot of confidence that, you know, I just let the nurses, it felt like, you know, she wasn't mine until weeks had gone past when my confidence built up to change a premature baby's nappy and, you know, what with all the wires and the tubes and things, it was, it was quite a daunting experience, really.

And you said you didn't feel like a mum. Was that because you think it was worse because you went home without her?

Well, sort of, I don't know. I know the situation couldn't have been helped, you know, that all hands were on to save, to save her life really, and to sort of save mine, because it's quite a sort of life-threatening condition, and I think it was because she, you know, she didn't feel like mine because of how small she was and holding her body temperature, she could only come out of the incubator for so long and obviously get put back in. And we felt helpless, you know, when they're so tiny as well, you think they're going to break as well and all you want to do is just pick them up and cuddle them and, you know, nurture them and, you know, as time went on, you know you accept it and it becomes more natural and the bonding sort of begins and you know, the confidence builds up and, my nan had a field day of knitting dollies' clothes. I was going in, and I sort of started feeling more like she, she was mine, and when she came home, it was exciting, but still really nerve-wracking, because'

Did you have any long-term worries that she'd been affected by being delivered early?

Not really, no.

And what about feeding? Presumably you couldn't breastfeed her because she was in'?

I did try once to breastfeed. They'd advised me straight away to try and express, because obviously of what the breast milk contains, but they said they'd use donor milk, and that thought' I didn't like the thought of it, so I started to express and it came through, and I expressed every four hours for five weeks. And I tried to feed her the once, but confidence, again' she was too small and my mum was sat there, there was a nurse there and I think that if they'd put me into like a room on my own maybe [yeah] I perhaps would have, would have kept it going, but I think, still stressful situations, it suddenly, just suddenly, just dried up and that was it, so, you know, they had the sort of bottle premature milk there.

Did your partner have to help you? 

Yeah, quite a lot.

And was he good at doing that?

Yeah, he was okay, but not' I found my' I was living, I'm living with my grandparents after when I' and they helped, they helped brilliantly, especially my nan. She was, it's like your washing and things you didn't realise, like, how difficult that would be if you were on your own doing.

And did you' how did you feed your baby?

I bottle-fed.

And had you planned to breastfeed? 

I would have liked to have tried, but I just' after, I just didn't, I didn't have that, because as soon as he was born he was, he was taken because like he had to go to the special care as well. I didn't feel like I bonded very well with him and I, I felt so ill I just didn't want to' at the time.

And did you have any problems going to the loo or resuming sex again after you'd had the section?

'No, not really. It was just getting about really, it was getting up to get sort of around, yeah, because they try and get you up as soon as possible, which is' but you're so, it just feels' it's a feeling you don't ever feel so you don't really understand, and you've got all the other problems of having, after having a baby as well, plus that, it's like a bit-, takes you back.

And did you feel anything about yourself?

I, I think it got me down a little bit. I got to admit, I think I would have preferred to have' I think because I was so out of it and didn't get that time with him, I think, like after, it should be happy. Because I, I just wanted to go to sleep and they end up giving you an injection' I think I had a morphine injection so I was just out of it anyway, so like, all through the night after he was born, the first twenty-four hours after he was born, my partner looked after him, basically. I never, I couldn't' you can't get out of bed to go and get a bottle. You've got to call for someone to get it, and then they've got to get the baby and pass the baby to you, it's like everybody's doing things for you, you can't do anything for yourself. 

So, how long did you feel down for, do you think? 

Not long, it sort of picked up. It was only the first, when I was in hospital, because of the lack of sleep, because it's not just you, there's the other babies crying, and I think that was' once I came out of hospital and got back into my sort of own, I felt okay then.

And how did you feed your son after?

I breastfed [Son] for about six weeks and then I stopped just because I was recovering from the section and I'd just had got like quite bad baby blues with [Son], just through the whole experience of having a section and not achieving vaginal birth and then, having, being a new mum is not as what' I'm not saying that it's, it's really bad, being a new mum but it's, there is parts to it that you, you do' nothing can prepare you for, you know? 'Your hormones are all over the place, so I just put him onto the' I found it very tying and I put him onto the formula, so'

Okay, that's great. And you, you'd said that it, you had this kind of sense of disappointment. Could you explain that a bit more? 

Well, just, I just felt less of a mum. I, I can't explain it, I just felt that I hadn't achieved a birth. I don't feel like, I feel like I'd been cheated out of it. That's what I felt.

Okay, thanks.

And when I look back now I regret not pursuing with my breastfeeding' because I felt even less'When I gave that up, I felt even more like disappointed.

And how long did you say, would you say that you had the baby blues for and when did you start to feel okay, that's it, I'm gonna'?

I think I, I had him for-, I mean, I had it for quite a while, and I think with chopping and changing [Son] off the breast onto the bottle and then I felt guilty so I put him back onto the breast again. And then he got a virus because he was born in December and he just got a cold and that so he was in and out of [Hospital] just being monitored, and that made me even worse, feeling that I wasn't' being a good mum at all. So it was a lot of nonsense, just all in my head [slight laugh].

No, it's hard isn't it?

Yeah, you just, because you worry for them so much, your overwhelming feeling of responsibility for this wee, wee baby, you know, so, yeah, so it was probably two or three months anyway.

I was never actually diagnosed with post-natal depression but I do think I had it, and I think that was maybe a combination of the pregnancy, the labour and the failure with the breastfeeding.

Why do you, what makes you think that you, you did have depression? Could you explain why you think that was?

I was just' I couldn't sleep at all, I was absolutely terrified the whole time. I would wake up in the middle of the night, pulling at the bed sheets, thinking [son's name] was falling out of bed and I just didn't feel I was coping at all. I felt like I was a bad mother and I just hadn't managed anything right. I hadn't managed the pregnancy, I hadn't managed the labour, I hadn't managed the feeding. 

And how long did you feel like that for?

It would be about six months.

And what, what changed to make you feel better?

My husband finally sat me down and he was like, 'Well, this is ridiculous, you know. You are a good mum and these were things that you couldn't have done anything about, so', that was basically it.

And did that help?

It did, yeah. Just the fact that he was being so supportive.

And is that a worry this time for you?

It is actually. I'm quite concerned I'm going to get post-natal depression.

Have you, have you talked about that with anyone?

No.