Interview 10

Age at interview: 31

Brief Outline:

Reached final stage of labour with 1st child, cord wrapped around baby's neck, had last minute CS. Felt cheated and experienced postnatal depression. Determined to have vaginal birth with 2nd child. Had easy labour and 'perfect' birth experience.

Background:

Waitress and student with a five year old son. Living with partner, who is a farm worker. Ethnic background: White British (Scottish).

More about me...

First pregnancy and birth

Her first, planned, pregnancy was easy and complication free. She was worried about some minor bleeding as she had previously miscarried. She had attended antenatal classes but not paid much attention to the information about caesarean as she was sure that she would have a vaginal birth. Things went according to plan until she had reached the pushing stage of labour when it was found that the baby's cord had wrapped round his neck and prevented him from coming out. He had also started to pass meconium and showed signs of distress. She was very scared and nervous when the medical team told her that she would have to have a caesarean. Her midwife stayed with her throughout the procedure and held her hand.

Her son had no immediate complications, but she found it difficult to cope with the traumatic experience of caesarean whilst also coming to terms with being a mother. She felt immensely disappointed not to have had a vaginal birth and experienced low mood for a good three months after her son's birth. Her feelings of failure at being a 'proper Mum' were compounded by her difficulties to breastfeed her son. Feeling very tired and exhausted, she put him onto bottle feed after six weeks. When he had to be readmitted to hospital for a virus infection, she felt guilty and useless. 

With time, she recovered from her low mood of her own accord but she thinks first time mothers should be informed about postnatal depression as part of antenatal care and receive better support after birth.

Second pregnancy and birth

Her second pregnancy wasn't planned and her and her new partner were very happy about the surprise. She was very keen from the start to attempt vaginal birth with her second child and was reassured by her doctor and midwife that this was possible. As her due date approached she became increasingly anxious that she might end up having another caesarean and with it another period of low mood. But emotional support from her midwife helped her to put the trauma of her first birth to one side and approach the delivery with a fresh mind. 

Delivering her second son turned out to be 'a perfect birth'. The labour lasted for only four hours and she managed to cope with just breathing and gas and air for pain relief.  She was able to breastfeed him within five minutes of his birth and experienced all the positive emotions of pride and achievement she had missed out on with her first birth. She felt totally elated for at least a fortnight, even though she struggled again to breastfeed. She persevered with the support of her midwife and a specialist website and found it became a lot easier after the first six weeks.

Comparing her first and second pregnancy and birth, she felt a lot more in control at all stages second time round. She thinks women should be encouraged to have a vaginal birth whenever possible. She herself is convinced that she would not have considered any more children if she had had another caesarean.

She sought out as much information as she could with her first pregnancy but thinks in the end nothing can really prepare you.

And can you remember the kind of information that you wanted with that pregnancy?

I did get quite a lot of information with that pregnancy but I just didn't look into having a section' at all.

And can you remember the kind of information that you did receive? Did you go to ante-natal classes?

Yeah, I went out, I went to a lot more than what I have with this pregnancy. I spoke to a midwife quite, quite a lot more and was given quite a lot of information through leaflets and, and consultations and I went to antenatal classes as well. For me and my ex-husband and myself, so I was never away from [Hospital], just because I wanted' it was my first baby and I wanted to know what I was going in for [of course] but nothing prepares you for it really, I don't think so [laughs].

She felt confident that she would have a natural birth because the pregnancy itself went so well.

And what kind of delivery had you wanted when you were expecting your son?

A vaginal birth. I was very disappointed that I didn't achieve that. I didn't feel a sense of achievement, um, having a' I didn't plan- I didn't even think of, about a section in that I was going to have one. So it was a bit of a shock and, when I did have one. 

Could you explain why you hadn't thought about it? Was it just something that didn't even enter your mind?

I just ' I didn't even think, oh, you know, I thought 'I'll have a natural birth'. I didn't, I didn't' I don't know why I didn't think of it but it, it did disappoint me quite a bit, not having one.

So you don't remember them talking about the section in ante-natal classes? 

They did, but I didn't take it in because I just thought 'oh, not me, I'll not have a section', you know. I don't know why. I knew that there was risks that I could have a section, but because the pregnancy went so well, I thought no, everything's going to go' probably just naivety, I think.

Maybe it was because you just, you were focusing on getting on further with that pregnancy'?

Yeah, I think as well with your first' a lot' you know, you're told that you're going to have a beautiful baby and it's going to be thrown up onto your chest and, you know, you're going to breastfeed just like that' I mean, it's, it's nothing like that at all, you know, it's quite hard.

When it was found that her baby was in distress there was no time to discuss options. She was very scared but her midwife stayed with her and held her hand.

I had went to third stage of labour*, as I recall and' I was ready for a vaginal birth but [Son], there was detections of, difficulty as his heart rate went down and he got in a bit of distress. The cord had wrapped round, his, his body so when he was trying to come out it was pulling him back in? 'if that makes sense. And he had made' had a bowel movement, so they just sectioned me.

So how what, how were you feeling when they said to you this is what we've got to do?

Very scared, very scared, because I, I was scared for him because I, I seen on the monitor the heart rate was going down and I was scared for me and I thought, and I'm not very good in hospitals anyway, and I just thought to myself 'Oh, God', it's just, it was, it just happened so quickly though' but my midwife that was with me, I remember her, she stayed with me all the time because she knew I was quite nervous, she went into the theatre with me and held my hand.

And in view of the fact that you did have a section, could anything have been better, do you think, in preparing you for that?

Not, not really, because it was rushed and it just had to be rushed, I mean, there, you couldn't just sit down and have a conversation. If it needed to be done, it needed to be done, so' It was just a bit of a shock, after it.

*Means second stage of labour, when baby comes down the birth canal
 

She felt like she had failed as a mother. Breastfeeding was a struggle and when she gave up, it made her feel even more guilty.

And how did you feed your son after?

I breastfed [Son] for about six weeks and then I stopped just because I was recovering from the section and I'd just had got like quite bad baby blues with [Son], just through the whole experience of having a section and not achieving vaginal birth and then, having, being a new mum is not as what' I'm not saying that it's, it's really bad, being a new mum but it's, there is parts to it that you, you do' nothing can prepare you for, you know? 'Your hormones are all over the place, so I just put him onto the' I found it very tying and I put him onto the formula, so'

Okay, that's great. And you, you'd said that it, you had this kind of sense of disappointment. Could you explain that a bit more? 

Well, just, I just felt less of a mum. I, I can't explain it, I just felt that I hadn't achieved a birth. I don't feel like, I feel like I'd been cheated out of it. That's what I felt.

Okay, thanks.

And when I look back now I regret not pursuing with my breastfeeding' because I felt even less'When I gave that up, I felt even more like disappointed.

And how long did you say, would you say that you had the baby blues for and when did you start to feel okay, that's it, I'm gonna'?

I think I, I had him for-, I mean, I had it for quite a while, and I think with chopping and changing [Son] off the breast onto the bottle and then I felt guilty so I put him back onto the breast again. And then he got a virus because he was born in December and he just got a cold and that so he was in and out of [Hospital] just being monitored, and that made me even worse, feeling that I wasn't' being a good mum at all. So it was a lot of nonsense, just all in my head [slight laugh].

No, it's hard isn't it?

Yeah, you just, because you worry for them so much, your overwhelming feeling of responsibility for this wee, wee baby, you know, so, yeah.

When she found out she was pregnant again she felt happy but also worried that she might experience another episode of postnatal depression.

So before you got pregnant again this time had you had any concerns from last time?

Yeah, definitely, yeah' a lot of demons come back.

Yeah, and did it make you think about what you're going to do this time?

Yeah, I mean this pregnancy wasn't planned' at all. But I mean, it wasn't like, 'Oh my God, I can't stand it, I'm pregnant', sort of thing. We're very happy about it, but I just- I panicked a wee bit when I found out I was pregnant and about, you know, going through another section maybe and' you know, going through the baby blues again.

Her partner was very supportive of her preferences, but felt the decision was totally up to her.

Yeah, he's been very supportive, but, and asked me what I want as a birth and whether I want to breastfeed. And' but he's totally left the decision with me, but he knows as well as if it, you know if it comes to the birth and things go-, do go wrong or I have to have a section or a different type of birth like forceps or whatever, it has to be done, sort of thing.

But he doesn't have a preference himself about?

No, he's happy to go with what I feel' Because he says it is down to me at the end but' as long as I'm alright and the baby's alright, you know, so.

Her experience of vaginal birth was perfect. She had an overwhelming sense of achievement.

My delivery went really well. I was in for a very short period, for four hours I was in labour. 

I had started about three o'clock and gave birth at half past seven' and it all happened very quickly and ended up being just a perfect. 

I mean, absolutely perfect birth. Even the midwife said it was a perfect birth [slight laugh]. So, and I had no stitches, just had gas and air and he fed within five minutes of being born, he was right on the breast, it was great, absolutely perfect, again. An even more perfect birth, compared to my first, it was just, it was really good. 

And there's just overwhelming sense of achievement I had afterwards was just amazing. 

I think I was on cloud nine for about a fortnight [laughs]. You think you're the only woman who's given birth! [laughs]. 'Right up to the- the bit afterwards' you know where you go just to have an overnight stay, [yeah] and I was really grinning from ear to ear, just felt like, just felt elated.

She had worried that she might get postnatal depression again, but her experience of VBAC was so positive that she can easily imagine herself having more children now.

And how have you been since the delivery? 

Oh, excellent. I think a very big part for me is not having the baby blues, because you feel like you, you've done so well, you' I've had no depression with [baby son's name] at all, which I did with [first son's name], I've just had a great time with [baby son's name], just really enjoyed him, you know. And I didn't understand when mothers said to me the first time around, you know, the friends that I had when I had [first son's name], that, 'Oh, you're not over the moon', and that, and I, I was frightened to say, 'Well, no actually, I'm not'. But I know what they mean now, you know, when they say, 'Oh, I feel great about the birth' and that.

And how's your baby been since?

Oh, he's been great. He's been really good. He's a good feeder, a good sleeper. (to baby) excellent, ain't you?

And in any way can you attribute anything that you've felt or experienced since to the way that you delivered this time?

'No, not really, no. No.

I remember you saying the first time about the baby blues, that you weren't sure if it was because it was your first baby or if it was about the section. Have you been able to think more about that now that you've had a, a natural delivery? 

I think it was more about the section, the fact' I just felt like I didn't achieve a natural birth when you' Especially with your first, you feel, you know' I had it in my head that no way would I have a section, sort of thing. It wouldn't happen to me and I was not prepared for it at all. And my head was sort of in the clouds thinking you know, 'I'm going to have a perfect birth' and' And you know, 'I'm going to breastfeed really well', and because it's your first, you don't know what you're getting into and then when you have then it's just like a' it's such a reality check as well, because you've never had to look after something, like a person, be responsible for somebody so much. You know and I think that's got a lot to do with it as well. But yeah, I would say definitely the section, the lack- the failure in breastfeeding as well, that really knocked me a bit.

And how would you compare the two experiences? 

Oh, like night and day, like black and white, it's just totally different. I mean after I had [first son's name] I was, if you'd asked me would I have more children I would have went, 'No, definitely not', ninety-nine percent sure I wasn't going to have any more. And then when I met [husband's name], I mean, [baby son's name] was an accident, sort of thing, we hadn't planned sort of thing, but a very happy accident but now yeah, I would have more, no bother. 

After worrying a lot about the birth of her first child, she made a conscious effort not to get too worked up in her next pregnancy, because it is just not worth it.

What would you say to another woman who's had a section and who's planning a delivery, what kind of advice would you give to her?

Well, it depends on how she felt about, going for another section or, or trying for, if she was scared about how' trying for a natural birth. You know, I would say don't, don't worry about it, you know, just, you can only go with the flow, I mean, nature will take it's course anyway. I mean, you'll have what you'll have, what's meant to be, meant to be sort of thing. 

It is worrying but there's no' that's it, it's coming out whether you like it or not [laughs]. One way or the other.

And has anything kind of stopped you feeling that scared? What's been the best thing'?

'I just took it' I just took it into my own head to have a laid back approach to it and not worry so much because I worried so much with the first, with [Son] I was determined not to get myself in such a state like I did with him. It's not worth it because you just, your nine months seem like nine years, you know, so, just a case of, just chill out a bit' [slight laugh], yeah.