Interview 24

Brief Outline:

She cares for her husband who had a traumatic brain injury.

Background:

At the time of publishing this website, this person was in the process of filing a compensation claim. We cannot display further information until the case has been resolved.

Her husband was assaulted by a drug addict who served nine months of his eighteen month sentence. They don't think this is a fair sentence.

By the time I’d met him, the man that had attacked him had already been in jail and come out of jail, because I think he had eighteen months, but he only did about nine months of it. So within nine months he was, you know, he’d done his time. To me, when I’d heard that it was definitely, definitely not long enough for what had happened to [husband’s name]. And like [husband’s name] says, you know, he’ll be on medication for the rest of his life. He’ll still have certain problems for the rest of his life. And this guy has done that and he’s, he’s done his bit and now he’s back out there doing whatever he wants to do. And that’s another thing [husband’s name] finds unfair. He finds it very unfair that, you know, he’s been left with these problems – can’t work, can’t drive, always has to take medication – and yet somebody, the guy that done it is just out there doing whatever he wants to do. 

She says it is difficult to know what benefits her husband is entitled to after his traumatic brain injury.

And how do you find out what benefits exist. Who tells you that?

 

Nobody. You have to find that out for yourself. Because they’re not very forthcoming in telling you exactly what benefits you are allowed, you know. Some people have been paying like full rent and didn’t realise they could go to the Council Offices and ask somebody there and get a rent rebate, you know. Some people are just...Unless you actually go yourself and ask, what am I entitled to? Am I entitled to Council Tax benefit? Am I entitled to a rent rebate? Things like that. Unless you ask yourself nobody comes forward with the information definitely, yeah.

 

And so how do you go about finding what you’re eligible for?

 

Basically you have to go there. You have to ask them yourself. You have to literally say to them, “What am I eligible for?” And literally, you know, you have to, you have to say to them, “Am I eligible for rent rebate? Am I eligible for this? Are there any other benefits that I can get?” So yeah.

 

So, you sort of have to be informed before you go to get information?

 

Yeah. Exactly so…

 

Her husband sustained a brain injury after an unprovoked violent attack. She says the process of claiming compensation from CICA is slow and frustrating.

I don’t know when it started, but a little while after he was having help from different sources and they said to put a claim in for compensation off the CICA, which is the Criminal Injuries Compensation Authority. So [husband’s name] has been doing that now, well, at least three and a half years, if not more. It’s still ongoing. He has, now and again he has had an interim payment. But it’s still not settled. That’s another source of frustration very much for [husband’s name]. And now, because we are together, [husband’s name] would love to get out of the London area, especially the area, you know, that it happened in. It’s, it’s a constant reminder. He doesn’t, I think he’s seen the guy once or twice but a constant reminder is, recently the ex-girlfriend of the man that attacked him is living in the area, and she’s literally come up to [husband’s name] a few times and, you know, been really nasty and said terrible things, like, you know, “He should have done a better job. You should have died.” Things like that and that’s upsetting [husband’s name] very much at the moment. So really we would really like to get away from London.  

Her husband desperately wants to move away from London. They live in the area in which he was attacked and injured. It's a 'constant reminder' of what happened.

That’s another source of frustration very much for [husband’s name]. And now, because we are together, [husband’s name] would love to get out of the London area, especially the area, you know, that it happened in. It’s a constant reminder. He doesn’t, I think he’s seen the guy once or twice but a constant reminder is, recently the ex-girlfriend of the man that attacked him is living in the area, and she’s literally come up to [husband’s name] a few times and, you know, been really nasty and said terrible things, like, you know, “He should have done a better job. You should have died.” Things like that and that’s upsetting [husband’s name] very much at the moment. So really we would really like to get away from London. 

 

If we have, if [husband’s name] has enough money from the compensation then we would definitely go buy a house in Wales, and even if he doesn’t we’re thinking of moving there and we can rent there anyway. So, yeah, within six months from now we are hoping to be in Wales.

 

She has fibromyalgia and gets tired and sore after long periods in the car. She would like her husband to be able to drive again. It's frustrating for them both.

I mean another thing is that he can’t drive – he hates that – because of the epilepsy. Once he’s been free for one year, he’ll be able to start back up again, but so far he hasn’t, he hasn’t been free for a year. So at the moment he can’t drive. And that’s another thing he finds very frustrating.

 

And what does it mean for you that he can’t drive?

 

Obviously I have to take him everywhere, you know. When we go Wales, it’s like from where I lived in Wales it’s a three and a half hour drive. I suffer with fibromyalgia, which affects all my muscles, so it’s very, very hard to drive all the way there and I’m like exhausted by the time I get there. So, obviously if [husband’s name] could drive, we could share the driving. But obviously that’s not the case. And when he needs his appointments at the hospital, at the doctors, well basically no matter where we go in life I have to drive. So, it will be nice if [husband’s name] does get his licence back again that we’ll be able to share it, yeah.

 

She met her husband after his brain injury and said they have good and bad times together.

But, at the same time, he’s still left with lots of problems, which sometimes is hard to cope with. It’s a good job I love him very much, otherwise it would be, you know, it would be too hard. But he suffers with like anger problems. He gets very frustrated, so he gets angry quick. His tolerance levels on anybody, but especially on me, obviously because I’m with him so much, his tolerance levels aren’t very good. So things irritate [husband’s name] very easily. But that’s not just [husband’s name], that’s the brain injury. So I have to be very tolerant, very understanding. Sometimes I’m not. You know, I’m only human. Sometimes, you know, we argue because of things but we settle it very easily and you know, yes, that’s it.

 

I can’t see that getting any better, unless they changed his medication and something else suited him better. But, like I said, it’s not always easy, but we have very, very good times as well as bad times.

 

Okay. What sort of a role does brain injury play in your marriage?

 

I just think it’s not at the forefront, but it’s always there. It’s always there in the back of the mind. We try and make our lives as normal as possible. We don’t want to dwell on the fact that he has brain injury. Like I said, [husband’s name] is coping very, very well. He’s doing really good at the moment. And so we try and live our lives day-to-day. Obviously there’s things coming in, like you know, money worries, and things like that, but people without brain injury still has these money worries and things. So yeah, we try, we try and keep it on back burner, as it is, you know, sort of and try and make our life as well as we can, you know. As good as we can.

 

She describes her experience of caring for her husband as 'one big learning curve' and thinks each person with a brain injury has a very different life.

And I suppose it wouldn’t. Would you rather have had a pamphlet that told you everything, like a manual, a [husband’s name] manual. Or would you rather just have done what you did and just get to know him?

 

Myself, personally I’m glad I’ve done it the way that I have. Because I think if you have a manual there to say, right you’re supposed to do this and you’re supposed to do that. I think things wouldn’t be quite so natural and you would be thinking all the time, oh but the manual says this, so I mustn’t do this, I must do that. Yeah, it’s nice to have guidelines. And it’s nice to have little suggestions of what to do. But I think with brain injury that, I mean everybody is so individual, in regards as how bad the brain injury is, and then what the brain injury has left them with, whether it’s physical or anything like that. So I think that, basically, it’s just one big learning curve. Everybody, you know, everybody’s brain injury’s different. You can have two people who’ve got their brain injury exactly the same way – say, for instance they’ve both got it in a car crash, and they now have brain injury – but they can have completely different lives, live their lives totally different. Perhaps their carers are different in the way they do things. So, yeah, I think is very individual to your own case the way you live your life, the way you deal with it. And the way the carers deal with it yeah. It’s very individual.

 

It is important to stay positive, not to worry about the future and accept help from other people.

Yeah. I mean basically I’d like to say, for a start take one day at a time. Don’t be thinking about the future and about you know, how or is this going to get better, is that going to get better. I will say one thing – it does get better. You know, if somebody’s in, maybe now in the early stages of someone with brain injury and you think, this is so hard and I’m never going to get, it’s never going to get better. It will get better. Take every day as it comes. Take all the help that’s given to you. If somebody says can they do something to help you, please do not be independent, because it will tell on you in time. Get all the, all the help you can get, if somebody is saying to you can I just do your shopping, or can I hoover up for you or anything, you know, that … can they take your partner out for the day or whatever? Don’t be stubborn and not accept any help. Accept all the help you can get. And if you need other help like emotionally and psychologically and you’re not getting it while you’re at home, then go out and seek it, you know. Go to the doctors, your GP, and...If you are seeing the neurologists, ask them for help. They will know who to send you to. So sort of try and get all the information that you can. But and just keep thinking that he will get better. Time is a great healer and they will get better day by day and when you’re seeing them day-by-day you’re not seeing it. But if you have somebody to come and see them one week and they didn’t see them for about three months, they will be able to tell, oh wow I can see the difference in them, you know, they’re getting better and better. And even though Glen was very good by the time I met him, I mean even I could see, you know, how marvellous he is, and now he’s come on lots, you know, since, since we’ve been together. So it does get better.