Intensive care: Experiences of family & friends
Seeing the patient in ICU for the first time
For families, coming into the Intensive Care Unit for the first time can be upsetting. Here people talk about how they felt when they first saw their relative, partner or close friend in ICU. Everyone is different and experiences ranged from shock to reassurance.
Most people had never had a relative or close friend in intensive care before. The environment had been new and alien to them and seeing the ill person in ICU for the first time - connected to lots of equipment, often looking very different from normal - had been shocking, frightening and upsetting. Patients who have been in accidents might have bruises and swellings, and sometimes obvious injuries. Patients who are gravely ill may be excessively pale, bloated, or shrunken and gaunt. Above all, most of them are unconscious.
She was shocked when she saw her sister in ICU She'd been temporarily paralysed by her illness...
She was shocked when she saw her sister in ICU She'd been temporarily paralysed by her illness...
One man said that, although he'd worked in the fire service and was accustomed to seeing distressing things, when he first saw his own father in intensive care he was shocked, but felt he had to reassure his sister and mother. Others, who'd worked in the health field, said that although they were accustomed to hospitals and even the ICU environment, it was very different seeing someone they loved so helpless and vulnerable.
Although, due to his work, he felt he knew all about intensive care units he was completely unprepared for how he'd feel seeing his own wife there.
Although, due to his work, he felt he knew all about intensive care units he was completely unprepared for how he'd feel seeing his own wife there.
I had been familiar with intensive care units because of my background. I have been involved in the health service all my working life and obviously I had been involved in them, I'd had them built, I knew of them, I'd set them up and so on and so forth. But that is very different from actually facing it firsthand. And if you talk to any of the consultants or nursing staff that work on them they think that it wouldn't faze them, yes it would if it was their own relatives. And it does. It is different, it is completely different. It is difficult to describe. You think because of your background you understand these things, you know what is going on, way back you do know what is going on and you are familiar with it, the machinery, the haemofiltration, all sorts of stuff. It wasn't strange to me. I knew what it was there for and what it did and all this sort of stuff you know, the oxygen level, saturation levels, I knew all that because of the work I'd done previously. So none of that was new to me, but when it is actually being done or someone you love dearly is on the receiving end of it, then it is very difficult. And you can see then how emotion can cloud judgements and it certainly did. It did, there's no doubt about it.
I found it easy enough to talk to them [ICU staff] about what was going on and so on and so forth and they were very forthright with me about what to expect and what not to expect. And their words of wisdom were always 'the worst is yet to come', which was so true but you don't believe it at the time and it was. And I don't think, nothing can quite prepare you for your wife going into Intensive Care and the shock of that, no matter how much you know about the business, nothing can prepare you for that.
One woman;s husband had been admitted to intensive care after planned surgery. Despite having lots of information and visiting ICU beforehand, she said that she'd still found it frightening and hadn't liked being there for very long (see 'Planned admissions').
One man described the ICU environment as 'overpowering' and some said they'd felt very aware of the alarms and equipment at first. Most recalled how nurses had prepared them for the environment and that they'd felt reassured by and confident in them. Nurses had also told them that they could call for information whenever they wanted or they would phone them if there were any changes in the patient's condition.
What would happen in ICU was explained to them so, when they left, they felt their son was in safe hands and would receive all the care he needed.
What would happen in ICU was explained to them so, when they left, they felt their son was in safe hands and would receive all the care he needed.
And we went up. And they came out to see us before we went onto the ward to explain that he was on a ventilator, he'd got lots of tubes and wires, but not to worry, he was all right, and not to be put off by the machines. And that, although he was asleep, they thought that he might be able to hear us. So they said, 'You know, talk to him normally and see what happens.' Which is what we did. And the nurse was explaining what the machines were doing so that we weren't put off by the noises while we were actually round his bed. And then the doctors took us to one side and explained that he'd actually had a perforated bowel, and that had to be removed and re-stitched, that he would be with them for a few days, but the operation had gone well. And obviously they said because of the lymphoma, they'd had to send parts off to research to see whether the cancer was in the bowel as well. And they took our telephone number and said that we could ring at any time during the night and, if we wanted to, or anything happened, they would ring us. And we left him feeling that he was definitely in safe hands and that they were fighting for him as much as we were.
It hadn't taken long before people had felt more comfortable and familiar with the intensive care environment. Some had felt the atmosphere was calm and respectful and several had taken children in to visit the critically ill person (see 'Impact on children'). For those who'd seen the patient connected to some equipment in Accident and Emergency or on wards, it had often been easier to accept seeing them in ICU. However, they remembered just how difficult it had initially been every time other visitors came in for the first time. Many were upset and distressed and needed comforting. During this difficult time most people had only wanted very close family and partners to visit, though one woman became her best friend's next of kin, when she was admitted to intensive care, because her friend's father was elderly, very weak and lived a long way from the hospital.
All her visitors found it distressing seeing his wife in ICU but he noticed that men and women often reacted differently.
All her visitors found it distressing seeing his wife in ICU but he noticed that men and women often reacted differently.
I think men are hard-wired differently to women, and I know that when friends visited her [wife], a lot of her friends would come with their husbands, who are good friends as well, and a lot of them would walk into the unit and see her there, this little tiny head completely surrounded with tubes and monitors and god knows what else and nothing else on show. And they would just break down in floods of tears and the men, their husbands, were uncomfortable. I mean one or two of them that we know extremely well tried to give her a hug and so on, and they were quite emotional about it. But they had more difficulty in dealing with that situation than the women and one very close friend, who has been a friend for over 30 years, whose wife and daughter visited, the daughter is a young lady, and they were both in floods of tears and he wouldn't go in. Didn't need to see her, 'She was here' he said, and he left it at that.
But yes men do react differently to women in situations like that. There's no doubt about it. We perhaps, we shuffle down to the nurses and talk quietly to them in the corner. I don't know.
Some people had felt a sense of relief when they'd first seen the critically ill person in intensive care because they'd looked like themselves and as if they'd been sleeping. After seeing her son like this immediately before being admitted to ICU, one participant, who'd been an intensive care nurse, said she'd felt reassured.
A few people, who had had reason to visit close friends in ICU before, felt that this had helped them to know what to expect and prepared them for what it would be like seeing their relative there.
One person we spoke to, himself an ICU consultant, said that having a critically ill father reaffirmed for him the importance of keeping family and close friends informed and updated. Most people were very impressed by the way they'd been kept informed about what was going on but two people complained that their relative had been transferred to ICU and they hadn't been contacted about what was happening.
Last reviewed August 2018.
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