Intensive care: Experiences of family & friends

There are days when there is this black cloud. But it might be a song that comes on the radio. It was actually three days ago, I went into my son's bedroom and I hadn't actually noticed but his helmet from his bike was on the floor. And I just picked it up and I just went into complete, I was almost inconsolable. I was sobbing, holding this helmet and I thought, 'what am I crying for? Am I crying because he's gone? Am I crying that he should be here?' I really don't know but it was, it happened. It was good. I put the helmet down, I sat in his room for a while and I came out and I wiped my tears away. And I got on and I don't remember what I did but I didn't have any more to relate to that incident, and that is fine. Whatever you do don't ever hide it. If you feel that you have gotta let that out and you wanna, you have got to just cry. It's all very, you can't be this brick all the time. You have to let it go.

I do feel to keep occupied, to have a purpose in life, you know, whatever it is. A hobby is very, very, it can be anything , you know, I mean it doesn't have to be golf or tennis or swimming, I don't mean to be anything like that, but just have an interest in life because it's not doing anybody, yourself, or the person that you've lost any good by just sitting down and crying. And also you have to be careful when you're talking to other people that you make the same mistake by keep bringing the subject up because in the end you can lose friends by keep repeating yourself all the time about the person you love. They know that you've lost somebody. They know how close you were. They know that. You don't want to be in this situation but you are, so to keep permanently reminding that person all the time that, you know, 'I've lost somebody and what am I gonna do? And how am I gonna get through this? And how am I gonna cope?' Is just no good, they don't wanna hear this, the average person. And I do truly believe you'll get on in life better, you'll meet more people if you can be more positive because, even though you do meet different people through your life that don't know your tragedy, if you can just sort of skirt it and just tell them that's what's happened, they have a picture in their mind that you've had this person, you've loved them, you've lost them and by making another conversation with them you'll have a better relationship with the people.

Because it happened just before Christmas it was a very, very, very difficult time, but for the rest of the family we tried to be as strong as we could. The worst possible time, and I would never hide that from anybody, was sitting at the table and having that empty space. That was really bad, it was a really, a really bad time. And I just don't know what to say to anybody to better that because it happened just before Christmas. We actually didn't do any cards, we didn't do any presents to one another, we just couldn't do it. It was a day that we knew we had to get through whereas it had always been a lovely time. We'd always had lots of friends over, Christmas Day was a big dinner time and listened to the Queen's speech but we didn't even do any of that. We tried to do so many different things. We actually didn't have the traditional Christmas Dinner. We all had our favourite food, which in a strange sort of way quite helped. So there was seven of us round the table and everybody had different food. And one of the things I must say about that was, instead of it being a traditional Christmas Dinner which is just one, probably the turkey and all the roast bits that go with it, because there was seven different meals, it's rather like being in a restaurant kitchen. So everybody's dinner was prepared and so you were busy, that's the way I thought would be good, so whereas my husband had a steak and I think I had a lamb chop, and so on through the family, it was cooked at different times, it was prepared at different times and actually we tried to make quite fun of it. We were trying to say, 'Oh this is what they do in the restaurant'. 

So Christmas came and went. New Year was a very hard time too, but the thing we did, we were with some very close friends and we actually didn't have the television on or the radio on. It was just another day, we didn't celebrate at midnight and I truly believe that's how we got through it, with these friends. It was a lovely evening but we didn't have the necessity, I felt only in my heart that I was leaving that year that I'd lost my son behind and I was going into a fresh year. I wanted it to be a continuation so that I still now feel that he hasn't gone in a different year, he's still with us somewhere. And that really helped my husband, it actually helped our friends who were very close to my son. They were the godparents, and they thought it was really nice so that's just a tip for somebody. 

Mothers Day and Fathers Day is another big hurdle and I think that will probably, will be with you. There's not a lot we can do about that. I'm not a very keen person on that I don't like, because it happens to be Mothers Day the whole world does it, why not have Mothers Day any day. Just because they say it out there and just because there's a lot of cards in the shop, I'm not very keen on that. So if you can try and get over that one, that's only how I dealt with that situation. Of course as yet I haven't had the anniversary so that's another hurdle to go but try and make it as a nice, remembering as rather than it being sad. Again try and take the selfishness out of it again. So there are hurdles, there are massive hurdles and there's no right or wrong from it at all. You have to just do whatever it, everybody again is different, but these are just some of the little tips that I could try and pass on to somebody.

And again, you know, we have Easter, everybody has Easter again, the Easter eggs, the cards, don't make a big thing about it. Just it's another day really, just another day, and if you can look on it like that and be thankful that you're just here for yet another day in your life.