Lorenz - Interview 33

Age at interview: 50
Age at diagnosis: 20
Brief Outline:

Lorenz is a 50-year-old Black Afro-Caribbean man who has been in the UK since 1966. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia aged 20 and this is now controlled by the anti-psychotic Aripiprazole (10mg daily) enabling Lorenz to work as a social care assistant.

Background:

Social care assistant, married with adult children. Ethnic background/nationality' Black Afro-Caribbean (born in West Indies); in UK for 41 years

More about me...

Lorenz is a 50-year-old Black Afro-Caribbean man who came to the UK in 1966. He was diagnosed with schizophrenia aged 20. He describes himself and his parents (who are West Indian) as more English than the English. He believes in God, but takes a “pick and mix” approach to worship and attends three different churches. Lorenz believes his first breakdown was caused by the stress he was under as an apprentice tool maker and the youth work he was doing for his church. He also wonders whether the history of slavery has led mental illness to be passed down through Black people's genes. At the time, Lorenz believed he was possessed by the devil - he thinks that being religious might be a hindrance to psychosis. As a result of his breakdown, Lorenz lost his girlfriend and his job, and was rejected by his church. Lorenz could not accept his diagnosis until he had his second breakdown. Lorenz has had 4 breakdowns, and was sectioned twice. He can recognise when he's becoming ill because he begins to believe the television is talking to him, and he becomes very sensitive to the news. Lorenz has tried many different types of medication but they all had severe side effects. He calls his current medication (Aripiprazole) a “wonder drug” because he experiences no side effects. He says that if he stops taking the medication the psychosis will come back - he doesn't think it can be cured. Lorenz thinks professionals do not understand Black culture and that Black people are treated differently by the mental health system, although he feels he was not treated too badly. He initially thought that the psychiatrist wanted to control him in case he did something wrong, but does not think he was diagnosed with schizophrenia just because he is Black. Lorenz tends not to view situations as racially motivated. He thinks institutional racism is partly due to the low numbers of Black psychiatrists, but says in the past he wouldn't have wanted to be treated by a Black psychiatrist, believing that a white psychiatrist would be more open-minded and willing to work with his belief system. The drowsiness caused by his medication has made it difficult for Lorenz to keep jobs, and he's had spells of unemployment. Lorenz and his family found it difficult to survive financially, and were supported by their parents. Four years ago, he attempted suicide in an attempt to claim insurance money to help with their financial difficulties, but this made their financial situation worse. Lorenz originally wanted to become a religious leader, but chose to become a family man. He has now been married for 25 years and has raised his children, 2 of whom are at university. Lorenz feels the support of his family has helped him. His wife has always been involved in meetings with his psychiatrist and GP. It has always been his dream to work in the care sector, and he is now able to work full-time as a social care worker with people with mental health problems. He feels his experience of mental health problems has helped him to grow and be a better person, and says his experience of mental health problems is “an experience in learning, problem-solving and perceptual broadening”. 

Lorenz felt that things floated against his eyes and that he felt a force turn him around and almost push him downstairs.

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Lorenz felt that things floated against his eyes and that he felt a force turn him around and almost push him downstairs.

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Lights seem to glow brighter and brighter, things floated against my eyes, covered my eyes, they disappeared and on another occasion when I closed my eye they still remained, so I was really, really ill. The last episode when I still living at home was that I felt like some force was turning me round in a circle in the room. It was literally trying to push me downstairs but the force, I know it might sound bizarre in itself but this is what seemed to have happened to me like you’re on this roundabout and you’re just turning and you get dizzy but the thing was I feel like there’s something pulling me from inside, inside my body and pushing me towards the door to the stairs.

I opened the door with my elbow, there’s a flight of probably twelve stairs, steep stairs because it’s old semi-detached house similar to this one I live in now very steep stairs. So when the bizarreness seemed to be pulling me and pushing me down the stairs, I had to literally sit on my bottom and go down the stairs on my bum otherwise I felt like I would’ve being thrown forward down the stairs. My family was down stairs and said to them, “Oh my God, what’s had happened? Something had gone on here. 

Lorenz recalls how he believed he was possessed, describes his individual approach to spirituality, and says spiritual beliefs can be a hindrance in psychosis.

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Lorenz recalls how he believed he was possessed, describes his individual approach to spirituality, and says spiritual beliefs can be a hindrance in psychosis.

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With this psychosis thing I have. To tell you that it’s more, it can be a hindrance, it really can be a hindrance. Being religious, being spiritual I live a prayer life and every kind of inward communion or conversation with the power recognised as divine can trigger a psychosis episode, like hearing voice of God etc; I have to pitch my religious belief, so that it look intellectually respectable that can stand criticism and cannot proclaim one’s inspired by God to those who knows I am a schizophrenic but the Fundamentalist get away with it and people without a serious in remission mental illness can speak to God and not seen as crazy. I was possessed by the devil, I felt possessed but I never believed in a devil as a spirit of a bad person in a celestial place called hell. The term was widely used in the 70s and 80s to describe negative soul energy from an ill mind that trick the body to do bizarre things. I perceived that I had the devil in me but it really was not it’s the mind playing tricks, like I say my mind was disturbed. A disturbed mind, nothing coming from outside of me into me, nothing, you’ve got your own spirits we all been born and created with spirit and so on. We don’t know where anything comes from, we don’t know, we really don’t know anything really. Most explanation centre on supernatural creator and it is a matter of faith with a science mixture that make up my belief. People make up ideas on it, when I come to think of it, its ideas about God, that’s what’s flying round the place, everybody has got their own ideas about God. Nobody know what God looks like, nobody on this earth, we’ve seen, we are on a planet, we do not know there’s existence out there, we don’t know if there’s supernatural thing, there are force out there, there’s a force in us, a creative thing. I just think it’s a force and you can’t say it’s a person, you can’t say, can name it but the only name in the human language you can give it is a god. That’s the only name we can associate it as being something we can comprehend. Some people say, call this same God, Jesus or whatever or Buddha or whatever.

Lorenz thinks he will never be 'cured' but that his illness can be controlled.

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Lorenz thinks he will never be 'cured' but that his illness can be controlled.

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Well it’s like, it’s an illness that’s, I’ve been told it’s an illness, well I know it’s an illness, but I can’t see any cure but it can be controlled, it’s the controlling of it which is the important thing I think. You never get rid of it, it’s like you have a scar there even if it’s, you sort of control it, you always have some sort of, how should I say something that’s, if you take away the medication or take way certain things it’s going to come back, you know, so, that’s something you have to live with.
 
How do you have to live with that though, I mean does that, is that something that you feel comfortable with, the idea of…?
 
Well now I have, when I first had the breakdown I’ve often say it can’t be schizophrenia, it can’t be, it’s just that I was tired and stressed and so on. But I have it up to four times now and the second time I realised it’s something I need to have some sort of medication to control it because it’s the weirdness of you’re not being yourself. I mean people say about when normality, it varies in other people, you don’t know what your actual norm is, but if you recognise your norm and you find yourself out of this sort of what you think is your norm, then you want some sort of help. Now I feel that this was given to me by going to, having medication which the doctor gave me, , as I said before it wasn’t right, didn’t control everything but it did take away the psychosis and for many years I haven’t had the hearing or seeing things. But I have got what you may think are unusual thoughts, the thoughts processes still could be tangled up but…
 
In what way?
 
I have logic, I still keep my logic but your thought processes to, roll into one. It’s like you’re thinking something and then something will roll over into your other thoughts and then you sort of get muddled. That happens for some time as well and I was working so I wasn’t all that well so I have a miller turner type work. one time I can remember at the mill, in, I had to come away from it, I was on, not this medication other medication and my thoughts just seemed like it’s rolling, the thoughts seemed to be rolling in my head. And it was as if you lost concentration basically and you’re sure you think something and then something else comes into your mind and it’s, it’s nothing about hearing things mind you this is different, it annoys yourself because you’re trying to think something and it’s not coming through and something else rolls over on it. So that’s a weird feeling. All that is controlled now.
 

Lorenz heard voices telling him to hurt himself with knives, and saw a distorted image of himself in a mirror. He tried to throw the mirror away and scared his wife.

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Lorenz heard voices telling him to hurt himself with knives, and saw a distorted image of himself in a mirror. He tried to throw the mirror away and scared his wife.

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It was a period where she could have really said she had enough because, well she coped with trying to understand how it affected me because, basically I got her involved from the start and if she had any concerns about me she could have ring the GP, she could have gone to the psychiatrists and asked for advice. I said to the psychiatrist if my wife ever has any concerns about me, come out immediately and that was one of the clauses put in the care plan that if she called the GP they come almost immediately. There was an episode in the house where I went sort of berserk. I was hearing things coming to me telling me to take up knives and hurt myself basically. And I went to the kitchen drawer and I took out all the knives and threw them in the hallway in front of the main front door. And my wife was upstairs, I think she was, I can’t remember, the story is going to sound a bit mixed up but I’m trying to think straight to get pieces of the story together. It’s in my book properly but I’m trying to picture it, I can’t remember how it actually sequence of events goes together. But she got terrified, I had a mirror, a long full length mirror, I saw my image in it and it sort of looked distorted. I took the mirror to take it downstairs, but my wife was there and she thought I was throwing the mirror at her so she, pregnant as she was, scarpered downstairs. The doctors was only 100 yards away at the surgery so she ran out the door to the doctors’ surgery, mirror smashed to pieces at the bottom of the stairs, the knives remained scattered in the passage, it was utterly horrendous for her, I have the feeling of empathy for her now. The doctor, my family, as well, and the psychiatrist came, a lady psychiatrist, and wouldn’t let them in. They talked to me through the letterbox and persuaded me to let them come in and I was sectioned. I was sectioned the first time it happened I was living at home.

Lorenz's relationship with his wife deteriorated with their standard of living.

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Lorenz's relationship with his wife deteriorated with their standard of living.

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[My] relationship with my wife deteriorated for a while, to the degree I thought we were going to split up and leave each other really things was so hard. And, I don’t know how we, somehow we managed. She didn’t look discontented, although, I felt that I should give her more material things, she wasn’t getting any luck we just existed off the bare minimum. She was getting the spiritual things off me like being comforted, loved and so on and yet she felt that she wasn’t being looked after. That, that was weird to me because I thought I was supporting her in the way I could with all of my resources but I wasn’t providing material things like a house filled with creature comforts or go on holidays. I was providing a loving family, caring for the children and the wife but she felt like she’d been missed out, because I showed most attention to the kids. Missed out in the sense that she believed I was focusing my attention on the children, she really felt that. And if you skim through the book you’ll see it says basically that’s how she felt, I put down how she felt about things. But it wasn’t so I couldn’t see it that I was focusing on the children, I was taking care of the whole family including her. She knew where all the household income was going and nothing was left over to spend on her as a treat I was just saying I had very little money so I couldn’t spend anything on her as such and I thought she would have understood this but I suppose it’s a lady thing that you want things so naturally she wanted them. I thought if she understood the situation we’re in, knowing every penny that coming in, where it’s all going. The strife we had was about our basic living standard and paying the bills. We could hardly afford to feed ourselves. It was so hard that eventually it turned, the way we have to feed ourselves was that my mother and dad would help us out a great deal, not knowing fully these circumstances they used to give us money regularly. I got a fairly good wage, I often tell her no, not to worry, it’s OK, but mother being mother still she give us money that help, help us to buy food. We pay the bills with our income, literally all the money go on bills and we couldn’t feed ourselves, only on my mother’s money she gives us. Sometimes produce from my father-in-law allotment plot get us food, such as vegetables. So that is how we basically existed for a long time with food from the allotment and money from mother. And splitting that up going back about the allotment now when I was ill I was supposed to work the allotment and to help my father-in-law out and the bizarreness of working on an allotment on a hot day, the land was turning round me and it was immensely bizarre again, that’s the only word I can use when I find I can’t explain what don’t seem normal.