Bereavement due to traumatic death
The role of the funeral director
The people we talked to had all been bereaved through a sudden and traumatic death. They were shocked and needed a lot of support. If a post-mortem investigation was needed people often had to wait for a while before they could arrange the funeral. In other cases a funeral usually followed fairly soon (see ‘The funeral or commemoration’).
Most people had asked a funeral director to help them arrange the funeral. Some were not sure which funeral director to use. One of Sarah’s sons rang round half a dozen people and got prices over the phone and then chose one with a name he liked. A college chaplain recommended a good funeral director to Godfrey.
Pat also rang several funeral directors and was guided by her ‘gut reaction’ to the way some responded over the phone. It mattered to her that the death was not treated as routine even though she realised that the directors deal with death every day.
Pat was upset by the brusque manner of some of the funeral directors she phoned. She was also upset because the funeral director had not invited her to go with him to collect her son's body.
Pat was upset by the brusque manner of some of the funeral directors she phoned. She was also upset because the funeral director had not invited her to go with him to collect her son's body.
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The other thing I would just say about funeral directors is that I rang several funeral directors and was very much guided by my gut reaction to how they responded on the phone and there were one or two that I just would not have anything to do with. Just because of the way the reception person spoke to me on the phone. And I think that’s as good a reason as any not to choose one and to go for whoever is, is chosen. Because in amongst all this, this, shock and, and horror, comfort is, is grasped, bizarre though it, it is, in choosing things that, that one thinks that one’s loved one would like or would approve of, or would be, would, would find acceptable, or would choose.
So what put you off some other funeral directors? The, the way the receptionist…
Yes just…
…their choice of words? Or…
Their, yes, their, their brusqueness, their coldness, their, yes their choice of words. That although one knows as an adult that, that death is an everyday occurrence, it is not to the individual who is having to, having to arrange the funeral of a loved one and it should never, ever, that message should never, ever be given to a bereaved person, that this is, this is a matter of, um] officialdom, it’s run of the mill, and there’s almost a ‘next please’ mentality about it. And that should never, ever happen.
So I did avoid those people that gave me those messages. And there is some comfort drawn, as I say, from, from choosing things, choosing flowers, choosing arrangements, choosing what should happen on that dreadful day.
That it was the appropriate place for him. And although I would have liked him to have been nearer me, the place I lived didn’t mean anything to him. So I felt it was appropriate he should be in, in this other place.
So when Matthew was brought, and again that was another thing, why couldn’t we bring him?
I mean, I know that practically it’s not easy but we weren’t even invited to go along to collect Matthew, by the funeral director. It just struck me that I was told by the funeral, funeral director, “We will be going to collect your son this afternoon.” And it was as if somebody, well it was just as if somebody else was responsible for my child and it was nothing to do with me. And that jarred, that jarred with me as well.
However, most people said the funeral director that they chose was sympathetic, kind and very helpful. They valued the many services that the funeral director provided. Some were glad that the funeral director dealt with the coroner’s office and found out what was happening to their relative’s body and when it could be released for the funeral. Others were grateful for all the support and advice that they received. Funeral directors helped them select a coffin and to contact ministers (including humanists) to conduct the service. The funeral director also arranged transport to the funeral, either one or more cars or in one case a glass horse-drawn carriage.
There was lots of paper-work but the funeral director helped. He let her see Ben's body when she wished. He helped with the words on the service sheet and with the music and helped find a gravestone.
There was lots of paper-work but the funeral director helped. He let her see Ben's body when she wished. He helped with the words on the service sheet and with the music and helped find a gravestone.
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What about the role of the funeral director, the undertaker?
He was lovely. Had a young man who was probably in his late 30s, he’d had two sons himself, he had a lot of empathy. He was lovely.
And he cried with me. And they were very, very good at, letting me go, just ringing up and letting me go and see Ben. And the service, everything, I couldn’t fault them they were fantastic. Yes.
Did they help you organise the service then?
Yes. They, they did everything really because I couldn’t really, I, I’d never planned a funeral before and it’s very difficult when you’re in such a distressed state. So they just asked me what music Ben liked, did a [service] sheet for him, asked me if it was OK. And they did everything.
Did they?
Yes, yes, which was very good.
So was his funeral held at the crematorium or….?
It was at the local Catholic Church.
Oh how lovely.
Yes.
So the funeral directors helped you find that, the church?
Yes, sorted out the church. The priest came round to see me. They were, they were very good, and what day I wanted. I wanted it on a Friday. Yes, great.
So did the funeral director then go and collect Ben’s body from the hospital?
Yes, they did. They collected the body from the hospital. Then they came round to see me and I filled in all the paperwork. Which was quite, you don’t realise how there’s so much involved. Because then you’ve got to choose your plot and you’ve to apply to the council for your plot of land where you want the burial. Gravestone, they did everything. Even where to get a gravestone from, because I didn’t know. And, and, you know, help you with the wordage and what do you think you want on it. And things that you want to put in the paper. So he, they were very good.
Do you mind me asking how much it all cost? Because some people might not realise how much…
The funeral?
Yes, the funeral director and everything that he did to help you.
The bill was just under £3000. But that, that’s reimbursed because, because Ben was murdered, the criminal injuries pay for that. We, we outlayed it at the time obviously and they reimbursed us about a year after.
Dean referred to the local funeral director as the ‘family undertaker’ because he had helped them when other members of the family had died. The funeral director visited Dean and his wife at their home and discussed what they wanted for their son’s funeral. He was sympathetic and he was able to advise them on practical matters, such as collecting Andrew’s death certificate and registering the death. One day Dean hopes to place Andrew’s ashes in the sea, according to Hindu tradition, and he knows that the funeral director will be able to arrange a boat for that purpose.
Elizabeth emphatically did not want anyone else to take charge of her daughter’s funeral, but recognised that not everyone would feel the same. We talked to a few people who had made almost all of the funeral arrangements themselves. When Josefine’s husband died she said that she was going to be the funeral director (see Josefine’s account in ‘The funeral or commemoration’).
People who wish to organise the funeral themselves can get advice from the Natural Death Centre.
Funeral directors who belong to one of the trade associations are likely to follow certain codes of practice. These associations also provide useful information about the services that funeral directors can provide. The trade associations include:
- The National Association of Funeral Directors
- The National Society of Allied and Independent Funeral Directors
Last reviewed October 2015.
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