Bereavement due to traumatic death

My name is Richard Taylor. I lost my son, Damilola, on 27^th November 2000. He was attacked and stabbed in the leg with a broken bottle. Damilola collapsed on a stairwell of the North Peckham Estate and bled to death on his way to hospital.

All  bereavements are hard to bear but losing a member of the family due to an act of violence is particularly shocking and traumatic. Damilola’s death was devastating to my wife Gloria, and for me, and for all of my family. When a close relative dies in a sudden and traumatic manner the people who remain may feel terrible grief, isolation, and loneliness, and some people feel very angry. But you cannot generalise about feelings, people don’t all feel the same way. And people find help in different ways. Some find help and support via the family, some through professional counselling, some through websites, some through charities, some through their faith or religious groups, some people join support groups.

And we all have different ways of remembering the one we lost such as through memorials, writings, or music. Many of us do voluntary work to try to prevent other senseless violence. Those who have lost family members through car or rail crashes often campaign to make the roads and railways safer places. We have set up a charity in memory of Damilola Taylor to support government youth projects against knife crime. That is why I hope that the experiences of a wide variety of people from different backgrounds will be useful. You will find them here, I hope they will provide you with comfort and support.

Thank you.  

In 1992 Jayne’s husband, Jonathan was murdered by a man who had  mental health problems

Jayne: My mum took me to see the GP when I came down to Cornwall, and they put me in touch with Cruse (Cruse Bereavement Support) and a lady who used to come, I remember her very clearly she used to come out to my little flat and sit with me and I used to show her our wedding photographs and talk to her about Jon, and she was invaluable.

Josefine’s husband, Nicholas, was killed in a car crash in 2001. She arranged a ‘green funeral’ and buried Nicholas on her own land.

Josefine: We had a sort of initial ceremony down below in this field where there was a structure set up so that people could sit around the coffin in the Quaker style ceremony where you could speak when you felt moved to speak. And it's very, very beautiful. I think every funeral should have such a wonderful set up. There are beautiful things you can do with a bamboo woven coffin is you can weave flowers into the lid and it looked like a piece of jewellery, so beautiful. And June at that time in our land, there's a lot of rhododendron. And people brought flowers just, well I asked everybody to bring just one flower anyway, but it was just so nice to be physically decorating the coffin together whilst it sat above the grave and and then, we had a tea party in the field until the end of the day. And the end of the day was,  there we danced in a very big circle around the grave as the sun was setting and then we went back home to London.

Dean’s son, Andrew, was killed in 2006. Andrew was hit by a car which was driven by a man who was not insured and who was driving illegally.

Dean: But then I found a lot of support from RoadPeace (Charity for road crash victims). RoadPeace was there from day one, it’s a remarkable organization. The founder of RoadPeace  was on the phone to me for over an hour, and she gave me so much support that, and strength and offered me advice because I didn't know where to turn.

In 1999 Ian’s brother, Dorrie, was shot. He died soon afterwards.

Ian: So my faith was truly shaken through this experience because I realized that something that I was never expecting or thought would never happen to me actually did happen to me. So I don't know if, I don't think it weakened my faith. I think it allowed me to see differently. Because what my faith taught me was that I could overcome and handle any situation, and drawing the experience as deep and as dark and as dismal as sometimes it got I never ever felt that I was alone. I felt that God was with me through it, and my faith in him actually enabled me to realize that I was able to come through an experience that I never ever thought would ever happen to me.

Marcus’s fiancée, Louise, was murdered in 1987.

Marcus: Only a year ago I was invited onto a course called Escaping Victimhood (charity supporting those suffering the traumatic effects of a crime). For me it was like getting into a jet aircraft it took me from where I am now into the future. And the support and help from the professionals on that course are second to none.

In the 1990’s Lisa lost two good friends due to a murder

Lisa: I was appreciative of my life before all this, and then it knocked me down to a place that I just didn't know existed. And I, I crawled and clawed my way back, and I don't know how I got the right answer for me, but it came. And now I'm so grateful to be alive. I'm really enjoying my life, which is how it should be. You know murder is just inconceivable, it's not normal, it's not every day, it's… People don't know what to say to you, people don't know how to to listen and people generally don't know how to listen they talk and they try and give you advice and say the right thing. And your just thinking you don't get it, please just let me say what I need to say, let me let it out. But it does get better. And honestly, you’ll want to slap me but time does heal, it really does. And how painful that is to hear it at the beginning, you know, when you come through it it does heal.

Interviewer: So how do you view the future ?

Lisa: The future is beautiful. I'm really happy, you know, I'm really optimistic this is who I generally am as a person optimistic. Yeah, I'm really happy.