Bereavement due to suicide
Telling children and young people about a suicide
Telling children or grandchildren about a death in the family is difficult, especially after a suicide. In 2001, the charity, Winston’s Wish, published ‘Beyond the Rough Rock' supporting a child who has been bereaved by suicide’, a helpful booklet by Diana Crossley and Julie Stokes. Crossley and Stokes believe that parents should try to be as honest as possible with their children. In their experience telling a child that someone has died by suicide may involve five stages, which may happen in the space of minutes, hours, days, months or even years. The five stages may be:
- Explaining that the person has died
- Giving simple details about how they died
- Saying that the person took their own life
- Describing in more detail how the person died
- Exploring possible reasons why the person died by suicide
Some of the people we talked to had very young children or grandchildren when a member of the family died by suicide. Telling the children can be very hard for a recently bereaved partner and some did not do it straight away. Paula asked a friend to look after her 5 year old daughter after school, and could then break the news to her the next day.
Dolores’ two-year-old son has some understanding of death. She will tell him more about the way her husband died when she feels that the time is right.
Dolores’ two-year-old son has some understanding of death. She will tell him more about the way her husband died when she feels that the time is right.
So, we’re now left with visiting a grave and, having a little boy that’s daddy lives in heaven, but I do, I do believe it’s very important where young children are involved that they have an understanding that they do have this daddy or mummy, but daddy or mummy are no longer alive and visually there for them, but they have, I believe they have to be given an, understanding that they’re guiding them, that they’re around them.
Mmm.
And I keep Steve very much a living memory for my son.
But at some point in the journey, and I do put faith in knowing that I’ll know when the time is right, he will be given all the information, and he will know what happened, because at the end of the day, daddy did commit suicide thirteen weeks after he was born and there is a connection there, and I would be foolish to think my son wouldn’t make that connection at some point in his life.
Did anybody advise you what sort of age would be a good age to tell him?
No, what happened, nobody has but I’ve kind of, made my own decisions with regards how I was keeping daddy a living memory with our son, and at one point I came up against quite a lot of harsh criticism from my family, and I spoke with my psychologist about it and she showed me a DVD from Leeds Animation Workshops and it was how they work with young children, for Winston’s Wish, work with young children who have been affected by bereavement in their early years and it gave me a great amount of confidence because they were doing things that I had naturally just started to do with my son.
Mmm.
So it, it kind of just gave me a wee bit of reassurance and now as my son grows and develops, he has a very unique outlook and he will take something to school that a child that has two parents and lived a very charmed life won’t take, he has an understanding of death, he has an understanding of what it is to go and visit daddy in a grave, he’s not frightened of the graveyard, you go up there and he runs, he plays, so he’s not been brought up with an image of it being a bad place. He even actually, just last week we were driving up to the, the cemetery, and he said, “We going to daddy’s house?”
Mmm.
And that is how he sees it, that’s where daddy lives, the headstone has a photograph of the three of us and it, it’s very real to him, that is where daddy is and he blows a kiss to the sky and he sends a balloon up now and again, and that’s his understanding.
Paula told her five-year-old daughter that her father had died through illness. Sometime later she told her about the suicide. Paula thinks it is important to be honest.
Paula told her five-year-old daughter that her father had died through illness. Sometime later she told her about the suicide. Paula thinks it is important to be honest.
That day I phoned, the day it happened I phoned a friend. She had a good friend at school and I phoned the mum and said, “Look this has happened. Can you take her because I can’t cope with that as well.” Do you know so she came back the following day and obviously the house was full of strange people and I just told her. I mean what do you do? You have to. I told her he died and she said, “How?” And I said he was ill and he died. And I remember. I don’t know the sequence of things anymore. I remember sometime afterwards, she quite quickly got out of me that he’d killed himself and I was at pains to keep stressing that this was as the result of an illness and it wasn’t; he wouldn’t have kind of done that in the normal way of things.
So if other mothers are wondering what to tell their children would you recommend being as honest as possible?
Oh yes, yes... But there’s no point in being honest about things they can’t understand yet.
No.
I think it would be far worse for children to find out from someone else, or to hear from other people, which could happen and to have lingering suspicions that their one remaining parent is not telling the truth. It’s not being honest with them. They can’t trust them.
Helen’s grandchildren asked many questions about their Aunt Charlotte’s death. As they get older they will be told more. Helen thinks children should be told the truth.
Helen’s grandchildren asked many questions about their Aunt Charlotte’s death. As they get older they will be told more. Helen thinks children should be told the truth.
How did you tell them [the grandchildren] what had happened?
I think my daughter actually told, told them that Auntie Charlotte had died and she’d gone to heaven, but they asked a lot, a lot of questions about it all the time. In some ways that was very difficult, but in some ways that helped too, because we had to put it in very simple language to tell them, and they asked where she’d gone, and what would happen to her body, and we had to tell them everything.
Did you tell them that she’d killed herself? Or weren’t you sure at that time?
No, we weren’t sure at that time, no, we said that she’d died because she was unwell, and that she was; they asked where she was, and we told her that she was in her flat, and that seemed to satisfy them. And I don’t think we’ll, we’ll tell them exactly what happened until they’re older, able to take that in. And actually we don’t know.
No.
So, I think they’ll just understand as they get older. But we won’t tell them any lies definitely because everybody advised us, the psychiatric team, and everybody has advised us not to tell them any lies at all. Not to cover up what happened, because that wouldn’t help them in the long run.
Stephen’s daughters were four and six when his wife died. At first he told them that their mother had been extremely ill, and that the illness in her head had killed her.
Stephen’s daughters were four and six when his wife died. At first he told them that their mother had been extremely ill, and that the illness in her head had killed her.
And then we really spent, myself, a couple of friends, my brother had come over by this time, and the vicar, and we spent a lot of time, and the next door neighbour as well, we spent a lot of time just discussing what to say to the children, how to put it to them.
So how did you decide to tell the children in the end?
Well, we came up with what we thought we’d say, and then a friend’s husband sort of just confirmed what SeeSaw [a registered charity dedicated to providing grief and bereavement support for children] had said, to see if they sort of matched, to see if we’d got it right you know rather than sort of; and we basically, well my first thought was I wanted to tell them the truth as far as I felt that they could actually cope with it, you know four and a half and six, I didn’t feel that it was appropriate to tell them that she’d hanged herself in the hallway, and I was also conscious though that I didn’t want to have to go back on what I’d said and say “Oh actually I, you know Daddy actually knew, lied to you, it wasn’t you know he didn’t sort of, you know Mummy didn’t die in a car crash, she actually took her own life.” I felt that was the wrong way to go, I mean certainly that was all the advice is, is that you know, don’t lie to them, and even things like you know, “Mummy’s gone to heaven,” you know those things may not necessarily be lies but, to a child they don’t necessarily mean what you think you know as an adult they might mean. So we resolved, so it was to tell them that Mummy had been extremely ill, but it was an illness that you wouldn’t normally, that you can’t see, it’s an illness in her head. And that this afternoon the illness got too much for her, and the illness killed her. And because in my mind, and this has really helped me, helped me get through it, is to see it as indeed as what it is, as an illness. And just as much as a heart attack kills you or cancer kills you, depression kills you, you know. She wasn’t the sort of person; she was a very happy, very positive sort of person. Taking her own life, I can’t imagine what horrors she must’ve been feeling to do that, in front of, in the hallway, a panel of pictures of her and her family…
Do you want a break?
No it’s all right.
So how did the children take that news?
It was terrible. Phoebe my younger daughter just, she cried in this way that was… I mean looking back on it I was sort of, I think again happy is the wrong word completely but it was, the way she, they way they both reacted was that they got it, there were no questions left.
About a year after his wife’s suicide, when Stephen’s eldest daughter asked questions about her mother’s death, Stephen told both girls in more detail how she had died.
About a year after his wife’s suicide, when Stephen’s eldest daughter asked questions about her mother’s death, Stephen told both girls in more detail how she had died.
So to go back to your children, did they bring up the subject again, or did you actually bring it up especially on that day because you had your friend coming?
No well, since the summer they [the children] hadn’t, they hadn’t mentioned it again, but I had been organising, you know I’d organised it specifically that I would tell them that morning, with Gill’s friend there. But as I say, we were going out the door, this was in the afternoon of having, having told them, we’re going out the door and Izzy has then put two and two together and said, “Well so, so it must have been in the house Daddy?” Because remember she’s asked how she’d died, and I said, how, how Gill died, and I’d told her how Gill died but I hadn’t said.
You specifically said she hung herself did you?
I told her that she’d hanged herself.
Mm.
By a rope, round her neck, which had suffocated her. And that she hadn’t, you know she wouldn’t have sort of, she wouldn’t have suffered any pain doing that, it would’ve happened quite quickly. Quite graphic thinking back on it, but, I don’t know, it, it, it’s, it; because then they’d asked about, they’d asked, that’s right over the summer, when they were asking these questions, that walk that we were on, Izzy had asked specifically about, you know the, what happens when you die and what is that process of dying, so it was you know, she’s quite, you know, but it seemed fine anyway, but anyway, so we go, so she then says. so now she’s asking of course, well where is it? So where did she die?
Mm.
And I looked at, I looked at Gill’s friend, and she afterwards told me she sort of, she said it was like a lifetime, she was going, “Well what the hell’s he going to say now?” You know, “Say something please?” And I just sort of, and I can’t remember exactly the course of events, but I said something like, “Oh,” I was sort of buying time really, “Well, how, how do you sort of, how did you work that one out?” And she said, she then explained, she said, “Well you said that you know, you’d come home and…, so therefore it must’ve been somewhere in the house”. I remember I took a big deep breath and of course I’m standing in the hallway, and I said, “Well Mummy hanged herself, hanged herself in the hallway, just there. She tied a rope around that banister, that’s where it happened.” “Okay. Yeah. Can we get our shoes on?” And out the door [claps] and that’s it, off, and that’s the last she’s ever mentioned that, and that’s now what three months ago.
So is it a burden off your shoulders that you have been able to talk to them about it?
Yes, yes, I mean I think you know it was, early on it was a big, big issue.
If important information is withheld other people may also unwittingly reveal the truth and cause distress. Linda’s daughter, Chloe, was 13 when she died by suicide. Linda’s other daughter was 10 years old at the time. She did not realise that Chloe had taken her own life. However, she soon found out exactly what had happened from someone else.
Children and grandchildren reacted to the news of a suicide in the family in many different ways. Some appeared shocked, some were hysterical, others violent. When one of Amanda’s teenage sons heard that his brother had died he ran out of the house, leaving her feeling bewildered, hoping that he was safe.
Jacqui went to her children’s school to tell them that their father had died. They were teenagers at the time. They were quiet when they heard the news. The next day she told them that he had died by suicide. Her son said that he was aware of it already. The children had known that their father had had a mental health problem and that he had attempted suicide before. Jacqui wanted to make sure that the children knew that they were not to blame for their father’s suicide.
After Mike died Jacqui told the children that their dad had died. The next day she told them that he had committed suicide. They listened quietly to what she had to say.
After Mike died Jacqui told the children that their dad had died. The next day she told them that he had committed suicide. They listened quietly to what she had to say.
I mean, I think we had about ten, fifteen minutes to play with or something, you know, maybe a bit longer than that, but obviously if we were going to be caught in traffic we thought ‘oh we’re not gonna make it in time’, and the headmaster had gone and got the kids, and we were in the headmaster’s room and he gave me a hug and said he was sorry and, and, and he said, “Are you ready?.” For, you know, for the kids to come out and I’d said, “Yeah.” And the kids just walked through and, the head teacher’s there, my friend was there, the policeman was there, although they were at another part of the room.
Mmm.
They gave me time to just, you know, just say to the kids and I just said, you know, I says, “Your dad’s dead,” and that was it, really, came in and we sat for a while and obviously they, you know, we hugged and things like that, and we sat for a while and then we sort of thought ‘right well we better get, try and get back home before the rush, of the schools coming out’ and because obviously there was a police car sitting outside the school, it was a case of let’s get out quick, you know, get out quick and on our way home before school actually finished ‘cause otherwise that would’ve drawn attention to the kids that, you know, why are they going in a….[police car]
How old were the children?
Then they would have been fifteen and eleven.
And how did they react to this terrible news?
Just quiet, just quiet, and I didn’t actually tell them, my daughter did ask that night if dad had committed suicide, and, I just said, “You don’t need to know that.” You know, I says, “You don’t need to know anything about that yet.” I said, “Just.” You know I said, “Your dad’s died and that’s it.” And I can’t remember whether it was the next day, or the day after, it was probably the next day when people had been in touch and, obviously the head teachers from the schools had communicated and they’d sort of said, you know, “Should they really, the kids need to be told,” obviously, because of word had escaped somehow. And so I brought them into this room, obviously ‘cause there was lots of people still coming and going and my family from the north of England had come up, that night they were staying with me and they were all in and out, I just put the kids into this room and I just said, “Right.” I said, “I think you need to know.”
Mmm.
“You know that your dad committed suicide.” And, …my daughter just nodded her head and my son sort of said, “Well I gathered that.” And I sort of say, “You don’t need to know how.”
No.
But you need to know, you know, this is what’s happened, and they said, “Yeah okay.”
For other mothers in this situation you’d recommend being as honest as possible to your children?
Yes, yes, definitely. I think obviously it depends on age, it would depends on their age…
Mmm.
…but also because, …of the length of the illness that we had had, we had all suffered as the, as a family, and, we were always quite open, very open with the kids and, as soon as they were of an age, well they were old enough to sort of understand, they were both aware that their dad had had previous attempts before…
Mmm.
…and I also used that to try and explain as to why, mum perhaps, …maybe we overreact, I overreacted or I felt as though I had to give more attention to their dad, at times and I didn’t want them to think that was anything to do with them.
Mmm.
So from, I don’t know maybe about ten, ten-ish, nine-ish, ten-ish they sort of knew that, dad was dad, but, you know, there were times that things were a bit fraught in the family and I just had to reassure them that, you know, it had nothing to do with, you know, they weren’t the cause of it or anything like that, but I so wanted them to understand that you know? I had to focus on their dad at times and that sometimes they felt as though they were maybe, weren’t getting the attention that they should be getting but it seems to have worked okay, it seems that, you know, I think they’ve come out of it okay, touch wood I’m, I’m alright.
Patricia told her children about their father’s death when they were at home. A policeman was present. One of Patricia’s teenage children reacted quite violently when he heard what had happened. Looking back Patricia thinks it would have been better if a police officer had broken the news. She thinks her child’s anger might have been directed at the policeman instead of at her.
The grandchildren discussed their uncle’s death with other young members of the family, who then asked unexpected questions. Jane answered questions about Tom’s death honestly.
The grandchildren discussed their uncle’s death with other young members of the family, who then asked unexpected questions. Jane answered questions about Tom’s death honestly.
We had some little, well a second cousin, my cousin brought her children, sorry my niece brought her children and they were talking with our grandchildren and they suddenly came up with, at the dinner table, something about Tom hanging himself, and there was a deathly silence, and the little boy was chirping, chirping, chirping wanting to know the answers, and my niece is very sweet and just turned to me and said, “I’m sorry” and I said, “It’s alright. It’s just I’m not sure how to answer simply enough, and quickly enough, but I really don’t mind them asking,” and you know it was a little bit difficult for the second cousin you know who obviously had never known Tom. But in a way it was quite good that the grandchildren had accepted that it was part of our family life, and they know about Tom, a bit.
So do you think that it’s best to be open and honest with children when they ask?
Oh yes. Yes because in fact there’s a bit of family history of suicides in sort of grandparents generation, in fact on both sides, that I didn’t know about until you know you’re aware of the subject, therefore you pick it up when you, in other situations. So yes I might’ve known more about it if people hadn’t covered it over in the past. So I’m glad the grandchildren know the truth, it was just they took me slightly, [by surprise].
Last reviewed July 2017.
Last updated October 2012.
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