Graham - Interview 27
More about me...
When Graham first went into psychosis he thought about self-harm and went into some woods with some razor blades as he believed that his blood was poisoned and that there were evil spirits around him.
When Graham first went into psychosis he thought about self-harm and went into some woods with some razor blades as he believed that his blood was poisoned and that there were evil spirits around him.
Graham used to think diagnosis was helpful as it was something tangible, but he now feels diminished by it, and thinks there are other ways of seeing reality.
Graham used to think diagnosis was helpful as it was something tangible, but he now feels diminished by it, and thinks there are other ways of seeing reality.
Graham learnt from others and through fictional and real accounts of personal experiences.
Graham learnt from others and through fictional and real accounts of personal experiences.
After leaving hospital Graham saw a psychiatrist who he thought was 'weird' and specialized in silence, but later he saw a better psychiatrist.
After leaving hospital Graham saw a psychiatrist who he thought was 'weird' and specialized in silence, but later he saw a better psychiatrist.
Graham describes going to his GP, who explained to him that he needed to go to hospital.
Graham describes going to his GP, who explained to him that he needed to go to hospital.
Graham doesn't like taking medication although a part of him accepts that when he takes it he feels more rational, he feels like a 'shadow' of himself and doesn't like being made to take it.
Graham doesn't like taking medication although a part of him accepts that when he takes it he feels more rational, he feels like a 'shadow' of himself and doesn't like being made to take it.
Even though you know intellectually that it’s there to keep you alive. It doesn’t feel like that. It feels like you’re being controlled and coerced and it’s not as though people do it in a nasty way, you know, the nurse who gives me the injection is always pleasant and she’s very good at giving me it, it doesn’t really hurt very much and the people who say I have to take my medication would be the mental health officer or the psychiatrist in a really nice way, I just don’t want to take it. I feel it pollutes the core of who I am. It’s a very strange feeling, like I feel that being on medication I’m false. And I know everyone says when you’re on medication you know, you’re rational, you’re not full of weird ideas, you can get on with people, you can cope with life. You, well you don’t always sleep, but you do better at sleeping than when you’re not. You look after yourself, but it doesn’t feel like it’s me. It feels like, I’m not an automaton, but just a shadow of what is me, and yet what is me is too horrible to think about. So part of me accepts that I have to take it. I just can’t willingly do it.
Graham moved around a lot as a child, had to get used to different schools and eventually went to boarding school where he got on with people, although he disliked being away from home.
Graham moved around a lot as a child, had to get used to different schools and eventually went to boarding school where he got on with people, although he disliked being away from home.
It varied. It was completely different in different places. It was quite a strange experience in the initial school I was extremely quiet. I was very confused by school and I didn’t really know how to participate. I would just sit there and do nothing. And it, I adapted to different places in different ways. When we lived in [place name], there was a whole group of us around the houses where we lived and where we, a horrible gang, did all sorts of things, smashing windows on a building site and all sorts of things and rushing round on our bikes and climbing trees and playing war games, and all the things that young people do. The next place I lived it was Norfolk and there we had almost no friends, initially anyway. And school was a complete mystery. I’d moved from one school where you wrote, the way we write nowadays, to Norfolk where you wrote with all these curly letters and things. And it was like a completely brand new alphabet and discipline was completely different. You got smacked if you stopped writing and stuff like that. So it was very strange and I just shut up there. And initially I made friends and then I stopped making friends and I spent most of the time in my memory hidden in an alleyway in the school. There was a boy with a hole in the heart, who had a blue, a blue face, and he sat at one end of the alley and stared into space and I would sit at the other end of the alley staring into space. And that was basically school then. But then I went away to public school and I wish I hadn’t, but initially, initially it was very hard, but I made a lot of friends there, and got very used to it, and it was a good place. There were lots of people I liked and got on with. I would have preferred not to have been away from home, but it was a place where there were people who I could get on with.
Graham talks about the history of HUG (Highland User Group based in Scotland).
Graham talks about the history of HUG (Highland User Group based in Scotland).
I think, I think certainly in Scotland, I don’t know about England so much, we’ve learnt a huge amount over the years. I’ll give an example. In the early days when I worked in Edinburgh I remember one of our members and myself, for the first time we were invited to see a psychiatrist and in those days that was such an event. You know, we went to the café and we giggled for the whole afternoon, saying what is he going to say, will he this and will he section us and all this sort of stuff. We were terrified at seeing him, and we had no faith that he would actually listen to what we were saying and we were completely shocked when he agreed with some of the things we said. There was this huge barrier. Nowadays up here certainly Now, psychiatrists refer people to HUG. They see it as a good thing. And I think we’ve grown to realise that not everyone who gets involved in what you might call the user movement has to be anti professional. Or see it as a them and us thing. Even those of us who’ve had horrible experiences tend to think that the people who are doing it, even if we disagree with it, are trying to do the best. Most people have a very... a very good motivation and actually there is so much to do that we all agree on, whether we’re mental health officers, social workers, support workers, psychiatrists, planners, policy makers, that if we just joined together we could, we could do really wonderful things. And I think that’s really good, and that’s us growing up and not being so caught on saying that all the people are bad so therefore we’re victims because we just see everybody with suspicion. We’ve grown up to take responsibility for our own views and have become much better at finding out our views. In many ways, certainly in the Highlands we have more influence than some professional bodies. But equally it seems to me that people tend to respect our views. We’re not just a group of angry people saying I don’t like you because you did nasty things. We’re finding out our views of a lot of people and expressing a reasoned, rational, logical idea of what can help us, whether is from medication to employment to ward rounds, to benefits. And we’ve grown up to find that we’re gaining a voice as a community. A very disparate voice. A, a rainbow of all sorts of voices but a voice, and... it’s quite exciting. It’s very, it’s very exciting. Because that voice hasn’t been heard for so long and there is so much, quite apart from changing things there’s so much that needs to be remembered. As a whole, there’s a whole community whose experiences are... are only just being recognised and registered. And to me some of the basic things is just getting those voices, not stored, but... there, so that you grow a history I don’t know that’s... how do you express it? You know, I’m lucky, I’ve got a job, I’ve got a house, I’ve got friends. Some of our members have had horrible experiences. They’ve been in prison, they’ve been homeless, they’ve lost all their friends, they’ve lost their houses, they’ve had no say in what happens to them, they’ve had the horrible reactions of some of the people around them and they’re living on a tiny, tiny income. And it’s such an act to gain the dignity and the courage to say I’m going to speak out about this. Not just for myself, but so other people don’t suffer this way and so that I can say things that will help people in the future. And it will bind me to people who have similar experiences to others. It’s a courageous thing to do and it’s a dignified thing to do and sometimes it’s all you’ve got. And it’s really, really precious. No one can take your voice away from you, but they can silence it. And we’re lucky here that our voice isn’t silenced. Although we’re still a small group you know. In Scottish terms we’re seen quite big, we’ve got 400 members, most of whom have had quite serious problems. The highlands has a population of 200,000. So at least 50,000 people in the Highlands will experience mental health problems at some time in their lives. So we’re a tiny, tiny group compared to the constituency we should be seeking out. But it’s a start.
Graham thinks that recovery is an unfortunate word as it causes offence to people who don't believe they will ever recover.
Graham thinks that recovery is an unfortunate word as it causes offence to people who don't believe they will ever recover.
I think, recovery is a very unfortunate word. I wish they’d chosen a different word because it causes such offence to people who don’t believe they will ever, if you like, get better again and there’s a misinterpretation about what recovery means. I think what is inspiring is saying that we all have our own journey to make and our own interpretation to make about what illness is. I think that’s really, really good. That’s liberating and allows us, especially with unconventional thoughts to feel secure in our thoughts and have then seen as valid and to look at our strengths and what we can bring to the world instead of looking always at the failure and the impairment is really good. Where I think it goes wrong is that it sometimes substitutes itself as being the voice for all users. Which I think is wrong. I don’t think it is and sometimes I think it becomes almost, almost a religion. If you don’t belief in recovery then you’re just misguided. You can’t have a valid disagreement with recovery. Everyone in mental health has to believe in recovery. But in many ways it’s a very diffuse subject. When you start talking about the recovery model of the design of a building you’re being really stupid because it just means what improves mental health and just saying recovery model is just rubbish. And there are too many people have a value base around recovery that says the only way to recovery is certain models like getting into employment or believing in this or being free of medication or whatever, which is a judgmental, patronising way of saying people should speak. There are people who have hardened themselves. What I think is wonderful about people with mental health problems speaking out is that we have a vast range of opinions and all of them are valid. From those people who believe medication and ECT is a life saving vital treatment to those people who believing sectioning is the greatest infringement of human rights, and there’s a vitality and breadth of wonderfulness is every one expressing those things which is great. And sometimes people who are caught in recovery think that there’s one way of thinking and if you don’t think that way, then you’re misguided, you haven’t educated yourself enough and if you just listen to the disciples of recovery you would have a guided sensible view. And that I find is really offensive. What I think is wonderful is giving that belief into people having a sense of their own journey and a sense of their own strength and a sense of their own worth. That’s, that’s where it should settle. Rather than thinking it’s concerned with everything else. And I think, you know, when services start talking about recovery focus that’s fine. But often it’s just a bit of a gloss. And everyone says, recovery, they say recovery without even thinking what it means sometimes. I found that quite offensive, because it’s just taken over. It’s become, I hate the word political correctness because it’s such a stupid thing, but it’s become a dogma and that’s really, really annoying because it’s a wonderful, wonderful liberating concept which is in danger of distorting voices and not voices to be heard, just in case they don’t agree with the concept.