Breast Cancer in women
Relationships and sex after breast cancer
Being diagnosed with a serious illness can put a strain on relationships. The effect of breast cancer on a relationship may depend on many things, including the level of commitment in the relationship, how long two people have been together, how long they have been living with the diagnosis, and how it affects day-to-day life. Here women talk about the effects of having breast cancer on their intimate relationships.
Although breast surgery will not affect the physical ability to have sex, a mixture of strong emotions - grief, fear, anger, resentment, lack of confidence - may in some way alter sexual feelings for a while. Anxieties about a partner's thoughts and reactions also play an important part.
Some women were concerned about their partner's feelings, and that he might hide his own anxieties in order to be supportive. Several explained how, after the initial shock of the diagnosis, their partner had been supportive and the relationship had grown closer. One of these women stressed that, while treatment of the cancer was her foremost concern, she also felt anxious about how her altered body image would affect the relationship with her partner.
One woman discussed her husband's support on her decision to have a mastectomy and her changed feelings about her new body image. Another explained how her partner's support and sense of humour had helped them both cope better with her illness, and one young woman explained that getting married during her illness helped strengthen an already close relationship.
Explains that her husband was supportive and she is pleased with the appearance of her scar.
Explains that her husband was supportive and she is pleased with the appearance of her scar.
What does the incision look like now, the scar now?
Brilliant, brilliant, it's very neat, very tidy, it's white and you just get used to it really. It's not ugly, it's a nice tidy job.
And do you mind looking at it?
No, not at all.
Do you mind your husband looking at it?
No not at all, no, no. When I first I had it done yes, I did feel deformed. And I think possibly some of that was because I'd had the infection. But when you're feeling better, then things are not so bad. So now that all the treatment is behind me, no I don't mind the scar.
Explains how her husband's support and sense of humour helped them to cope better with her illness.
Explains how her husband's support and sense of humour helped them to cope better with her illness.
I personally wouldn't have been too upset because I have a very strong healthy marriage and my husband said' "I don't care what you look like afterwards, you're still going to be you." And when my scar had healed my husband kissed my scar which was very, very important to me.
But it's hard for men as well because, as much as they want to reassure you, and tell you that you are still the same person, it's difficult for them sometimes because they're going through it, although they're not the victim themselves, they're still upset, they're trying to reassure you, they're trying to be strong for you.
I feel my relationship with my husband is a lot stronger. He's a very caring person, was absolutely wonderful through all the treatment. Kept a very good sense of humour through it as well.
And my husband actually said to the breast care nurses when they were explaining all the treatment' "Will she be able to swim after this?" And she said' "Yes, I don't see why not." And he said' "Well that's a good job because she can't swim now."
And humour is important you know, with anything. If you can laugh through it and laugh with each other, and sometimes laugh at the illness as well then, you know, laughter is the best medicine sometimes really.
Penny's husband massages her mastectomy scar almost every night. Sex has changed because she had...
Penny's husband massages her mastectomy scar almost every night. Sex has changed because she had...
My husband was with me all the way through. Now I have spoken to ladies who’ve said “It’s been really difficult. My husband doesn’t really want to talk about it, he doesn’t want to look at the scar”, “My husband’s a boob man. I can’t show him the scar, I go and get undressed and put my pyjamas or my nightdress on before he comes to bed.”
Now I’m somebody I don’t actually wear any clothing in bed and I still don’t, and that has been the same since my mastectomy, apart from when I had the dressings on and everything. You know we were obviously waiting for it to heal. And for me, one of the things my husband always does every single night, apart from probably if we’re on holiday or perhaps it’s a very late night, I use aloe vera gel. And from the day I’ve had this, my husband massages this gel into my scar tissue, my mastectomy scar, all around under my arm and to my back, because I’ve shown how to keep the fluid moving to stop lymphodema. And that is so important to me, so my husband touches that scar all the time.
Now to me, I think the most important thing is make sure, when you first have those dressing taken off, that he, or your partner, is with you to see it at the first stage.
Because, at the end of the day, you’re still the same person, you’ve still got your same personality. And talk. I think the most important thing for me is to talk to each other.
And from a, you know, from a sexual point of view, yes our sex life has changed. But I think a lot of that has been down to me being menopausal as well, hot flushes, “Oh gosh, I’m all hot.” Yes, I’ve gone through the vaginal dryness. However, it’s so important that you discuss those things and talk to your doctor. Because there are so many things now to assist and not to be frightened to go and ask.
Some women said that their partner found their illness difficult to discuss. One described how this led to feelings of anger towards her husband, as well as a lack of interest in sex. Another woman described problems of communication with her partner and her feelings of rejection. Both of these women, however, also noted improvements with time.
Explains her feelings of anger towards her husband and lack of interest in sex, but that their...
Explains her feelings of anger towards her husband and lack of interest in sex, but that their...
He shuts down, and he doesn't talk to me. He hasn't coped really. And I got angry with him and kind of locked in really for a long time.
But we are getting better now and it's, it's hard I think. I think it's harder for your partner than it is for you. Very hard. I think for [my husband] as well I know he wanted to have sex after the soreness went away. And I said to him, I just didn't feel like sex.
I really didn't feel like sex at all, and I still don't. And I think he felt that I was rejecting him and maybe he closed down. And I was in a way, I mean the furthest thing from your mind is having sex. I want a cuddle or just to be held or to talk, you know. I don't feel like sex and I still don't.
I don't know whether that's the tamoxifen or the depression or what it is. And that's hard for him.
But we're talking about it now and I think he knows that hopefully it won't last forever.You know it's difficult I think, very difficult.
What about the scar, how does he cope with that?
Oh yeah, I don't think that bothers him at all.
I mean this breast is bigger than my other breast now, just because it's got that kind of scar tissue underneath where they, having to operate twice makes it a bit more bumpy I think.
I'm a bit lopsided but I don't worry too much about things like that.
One woman described how a disintegrating relationship broke under the strain of her illness. Another explained her partner's difficulties in coping with her diagnosis and the eventual break-up of the marriage.
Discusses the break up of her marriage under the strain of her illness.
Discusses the break up of her marriage under the strain of her illness.
And, I suppose at that point, I knew, at that point, that my husband emotionally had left me, at the end of the chemotherapy. It puts relationships through quite a lot of strain. I didn't really understand that then. I know a lot, lot more about that now. I think particularly, I think men do find it difficult. Maybe we as women do so much and are there as this sort of, maybe a mother figure a lot of the time.
But he, he found it so difficult and from that moment, before I started radiotherapy, he wasn't there for me, which was very traumatising at the time. And I knew he was depressed and I knew he wasn't coping but he wouldn't, he wouldn't go and see anybody. So that, that was, that's been a huge hurdle to get over. And I think I'm just coming out of the black tunnel now.
One young woman wondered whether issues about body image would affect future relationships, while two women explained that, despite doubts about the possibility of future relationships, they had met new partners.
Explains that, despite her doubts about future relationships, she has met a new partner.
Explains that, despite her doubts about future relationships, she has met a new partner.
But I was fortunate it was small it was a lumpectomy and in reality I have an almost indistinguishable scar in a very good position. It's about on the bra line, on the side, underneath my arm.
And my right breast is very slightly smaller than my left breast, but with a good bra you just never notice it.
You feel a sense of invasion and you go through a very bad patch of self doubt. But you come out the other side.
And I have a very happy ever after story because as a result of my diagnosis I met the most wonderful man in the world who could cope with it because his wife died six years ago of lung cancer. And I've found a new partner for life and that's absolutely wonderful. So there was life after breast cancer.
Last reviewed August 2018.
Last updated June 2010.
Copyright © 2024 University of Oxford. All rights reserved.