Breast Cancer in women

I think one of the toughest things actually is telling people you’ve got cancer at that stage. Because everybody is stunned and shocked when you do tell them. And there is no easy way of telling anybody.

And what I did was I set up a sort of system to some extent in that my husband would do the family, and [friend’s name] did colleagues and friends at that side and passed on. And it was [colleagues’ names], they took on, between the two of them, they passed on the information to other people who needed to know. And then it was, the phone calls that my, oh yes that was the other thing, telling your parents is almost the worst thing. And coping with my mother. There my brother was brilliant.

So it was my brother who took care of my mother, and helping her deal with it. And my other brother dealt with my father. So that worked. So that [husband’s name] wasn’t having to tell people repeatedly how I was, that field system worked as well at the key times it was, [my husband] would contact my brothers, and [my colleagues], and that was it. So that, at every stage, when something needed to be passed on, those were the people he contacted, and that was it. It made it easier for him. That was a system that definitely worked, doing it that way, having sort of key contact people which then took pressure off my husband as well.

Yes and actually I didn’t have too many visitors, didn’t want too many visitors, because, as I just said, everybody means well but you actually having visitors is stressful. And if you have visitors where, you know, you don’t have to put on a show, that’s fine. And those are only those who are really close to you where you know that you don’t have to put on a show, or pull yourself together. And those people are few and far between. So if you keep it to that, if it’s sometimes just opening your eyes and seeing that your husband’s in the room with you, or knowing that he’s in the house with you, that’s fine.

The first time the only person I think I told was my boss because I’d told her I had to go back to the hospital for the results. And I phoned her and said, you know, but I honestly think I got [husband’s name] to tell everybody else mainly because, and also the second time, the second time probably more so. Not that I minded talking about it, but I thought if I tell them its like, “What are we going to say to her?” So at least by [husband’s name] talking to, telling them, then I mean obviously I did speak to them, but they’d had time almost like to get used to it. Because I thought if I ring them up and say, especially “I’ve got cancer again.” They’ll be like, “What?” you know.

So I think the only person I told the second time was [friend’s name] because I was seeing, I saw her after I’d had the biopsy. And I think we went out actually, had gone out for an evening. And I told her that I might, you know, have it again. And of course she ends up in tears, and I’m like, and that’s what I think I didn’t want. So in general, on both occasions I felt it was easier for me and I think easier for them that [husband’s name] told them. Because then they could sympathise with him, but they sort of got themselves together before they spoke to me.

And there's no point in not telling people.

I made sure, because I live in a small village, and before I went into hospital I made sure that key people knew why I was going into hospital, what was going to be done, so that silly rumours didn't start circulating.

And I said you know "Do tell anybody you want to, there's no point in keeping it quiet."

And, you know, as a consequence of that you get enormous support.

Cards, I mean my room is, you know, covered in cards and that is, it's very uplifting to know there are other people out there, both with experience of cancer and those without.
 

Now then support's an issue that needs to be raised because friends who I would've expected support from shunned me and that hurts. That really, that's really difficult to come to terms with that, you know what have I done, is it my fault I've got cancer?

But the converse is true, people who I wouldn't have dreamed would've even turned a hair were absolutely fantastic, overwhelming, you know. The people where my husband works, I don't even know them, they sent me all sorts of nice stuff.

Neighbours who I hardly know visited, offered to do laundry, offered to do everything you know. It's kind of one extreme to the other.

You know, people who you hardly know are falling over themselves to help and people who you'd expect would've had a kind word or even sent a get well card nothing, you know. So make of that what you will.

And apparently that, with the support group, that's quite common you know. People either run to the hills or they'll be right next to you standing by you.
 

When I went for the initial appointment and I phoned my immediate boss and I told her that it was cancer.

And she said' "What do you want me to tell everybody?"

I said' "Well tell them I've got a chest infection," and to wait until I'd been to the doctor's the second time.

So I went, I went back the next night and I phoned [name] to confirm it and she said' "Well what do you want me to do?"

I said' "Well just tell them."

I said' "There's no point in keeping it a secret because it's going to come out, I can't hide it."

So when I went back to work, I actually went back to work on the Friday, there was a bunch of flowers on my desk.

And that was really touching, that brought the tears on.

"And they were marvellous, they were really, really kind, they were very good and they just didn't, they didn't treat me any differently, which was good."

And I suppose partly because I didn't, I didn't act any differently.

I just got on with life and with my work, and did whatever was necessary.