Breast Cancer in women
How breast cancer affects families
The reactions of family members tended to vary greatly. Some family members coped better than expected, while others were unexpectedly more upset.
Explains that people react and cope in different and often surprising ways.
Explains that people react and cope in different and often surprising ways.
I have a sister who's a nurse who I thought would, because she has clinical experience of it, be quite a strong person and she was very, very upset. Very weepy, very cry-y, you know.
The other sister was much stronger towards me, visibly anyway. Obviously in private people are different.
My dad found it very difficult to talk about the fact that I'd got cancer which at the time I found hard but people's reactions are different.
They have their own way of coping with it and that's something that you have to accept as well - that people cope in different ways and the way they react to you probably isn't what they actually mean to say.
It's them trying to cope on your behalf and give you support in the best way that they can.
Some women described the impact of their diagnosis on siblings, and one woman explained how she had to support and reassure family and relatives. Another recalled that her family's reaction was overwhelming, and this made her reluctant to talk to them at the time.
Explains that her family's reaction was upsetting and she felt reluctant to speak to them at that point.
Explains that her family's reaction was upsetting and she felt reluctant to speak to them at that point.
When I was first diagnosed it was through my, my family actually upset me more than anything because as I said we'd buried my sister two years previous and me taken thus, they couldn't accept it because it upset them and every one of them was on the phone.
They were coming on crying which upset me.
But it takes you a while because as I say I broke my heart.
Every time they come on the phone they were upsetting me and this was on my mind all the time. And in fact I got to the stage I used to say to [name]' "Tell them a lie, tell them I'm lying down." "I don't want to talk to them any more," you know.
And he used to go to the phone and' "Oh, she's lying down. She's got a wee bit of a headache," or something like that. He used to tell them lies because they were upsetting me.
Telling family about the diagnosis
One woman explained that she was anxious about telling family about her diagnosis because her sister had previously died of breast cancer. Several women found that, while family members were often shocked and upset by the news of their diagnosis, they were also supportive and helpful following the initial shock. Practical support was often as important as emotional.
Some women explained that telling their elderly parents was more difficult than telling other family members, and that they did not want to worry them. Elderly parents often found it difficult accepting the news of their children's ill health while they themselves were well. A young woman, whose family had a history of breast cancer, described having to support her mother. Another, who was reluctant to tell her poorly father, described that she had no other option when she bumped into him at the hospital.
Describes reassuring her mother who felt that she, not her daughter, ought to have developed breast cancer.
Describes reassuring her mother who felt that she, not her daughter, ought to have developed breast cancer.
I told her, and she just burst into tears.
And I think it was a feeling of guilt more than anything from being away. And she felt like she wasn't there for me.
And I think she also thought that if it was something to do with genetics, she should be the next in line for it, because my grandma had had it, my great grandma had had it, so it was obvious that it was her turn and it seems like it's skipped a generation.
So she felt it should've been her. And I said to her' "Look, you can't say that because we're not even sure it's through the genes that I've got this.
We don't know, there's no one to blame, and I'm certainly sure that I'll never blame anybody because it's nobody's fault. There's nothing you can do it about it. If it happens, you just have to deal with it.
So I think that put her mind at rest a bit.
Talking with children about the diagnosis
Women were often unsure what and how much to tell children, and this depended very much on a child's age. Several women explained that their grown-up children were supportive and often sought out more information for them or accompanied them to hospital appointments.
One woman described her children being angry and reluctant to discuss her illness. Another discussed the strength of her teenage daughters, and how they took more responsibility for household chores after her diagnosis.
Some women were concerned about their daughters and other female relatives because of their own diagnosis. Those with very young children selectively gave them small amounts of information. Several women stressed the importance of explaining their illness fully to their children in a way they could understand. One of these women described how, having experienced something similar as a child, she was concerned that her son knew the whole story. Many women noted that each child reacted and coped in different ways. Two women with children under seven said they would tell them more about breast cancer when they were able to understand.
Explains her concern for other female family members since her own diagnosis.
Explains her concern for other female family members since her own diagnosis.
I do to my daughter. I mean my daughter smokes, which annoys me intensely, but it's her choice, not mine.
I mean she knows the problems that could be caused by smoking and all the rest of it, so if she continues to smoke and wants to smoke then that's her choice, not mine.
And it's not my place to say' "You can't."
I've pointed out to her that she really ought to be careful and that, but I mean that's her choice as I say.
Explains that she told her son the truth about her illness having experienced something similar as a child.
Explains that she told her son the truth about her illness having experienced something similar as a child.
My son is, well he was 12, 11 at the time, he's 12 now, and we had to tell him the truth. He's a smart cookie and if we'd hidden things from him he'd have found out and been resentful. I know this from my own experience, I wasn't told what was wrong with my mum until it was too late, and I kind of resented that.
So I thought well, if we're honest and up-front with him he's got it to deal with from day one rather than finding out later and blaming us that we didn't tell him. And he was wonderful.
He just accepted it and you know' "Well we've got to get you well," and helped and did things around the house that he wouldn't have normally done. And he was scared and it was awful to have him look me in the eye and say' "Are you going to die mummy?" And I said' "Yes but not now," you know. Everybody's got to die, nobody gets out of this life alive. It's a fact of life.
So he had to know and I stand by that. I don't think it's done him any harm knowing rather than not knowing.
Some women discussed how their illness had brought the family closer, and one woman felt that her children were now much more understanding and compassionate.
Last reviewed November 2024.
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