Interview LC35

Age at interview: 59

Age at diagnosis: 56

Brief Outline:

Diagnosed with non-small cell lung cancer in June 2000, followed by right lobectomy (lobes of right lung removed).

Background:

Wages/bonus clerk (retired), married, 2 children.

She describes her talc pleurodesis.

I had my operation on June 2nd, I went to theatre about half past eight, and I can't remember anything at all. I can remember, I think at first time about half past seven at night, I can see his face, but that's it, then. And then, next morning I felt a lot better. I hurt, but I felt a lot better. I'd got a tube in me and I were on this machine to get air out of me lung, and I were on that for three weeks. Only place I could go is round me bed.

Anyway, I think it were after a fortnight, I can remember one night the doctors came, and it were, me lung weren't stopping up. As soon as I came off that machine, me lung were going down. So this doctor said, 'I think this tube's moved, we'll have to put it in a different position'. But they didn't take me to theatre. They put this green cloth over me and did it while I were in that bed. And I've experienced pain, I've had children, but I have never experienced pain like that. And I said to 'em, I can remember distinctly saying to 'em, 'If you do not give me something for this pain, I cannot accept responsibility for what I do'. I said, 'Because I'm going to pull every plug out that you've put in'. I've never experienced pain like it, and it were over and done with in half an hour, you know, and they were lovely doctors. And it worked, because they put talcum powder into my lung and I was still stuck onto this machine that I haven't a clue, the only thing I know is it, there were a little hole in me lung, and they couldn't, so air were coming out or going in, whatever it, I haven't a clue.

When doctors looked at her scans they did not explain anything and she thought her cancer had spread.

Going back to when they told me it were lung cancer and MRI scan, they put my MRI scan on a screen, and there were two doctors there at this particular time, and they kept' they never said anything and they were counting, and it goes, one, two, and they're pointing to all these places in my body, and they reach fifteen. And I says to them, 'Just a minute', I says, 'Has this cancer spread to fifteen places?' I said, 'Because I'm sat here terrified'. 'Oh no, just you' don't take any notice of what we're saying. We're just seeing where ..' I presumed, blood vessels were. And I'm sat there terrified and it's going from one to fifteen. 

Did they ever say any more about what they were doing?

No, no not at all. I presumed that they were counting to see where, either they were going to operate and they were counting blood vessels or' Because I did hear them say, 'That's the main one there'. But at first, when it were going from one, they were just saying one, two, and I'm sat there looking at this scan, well there's a lot of different ones, you know, on wall, along this' and I'm thinking, 'Well, it's spread' (laughs).

So you would have liked more information?

If they'd had just said, 'We've got these scans here, and we're looking to find out, to find out' the operation, to see where blood vessels, or veins, I don't'. arteries are, you know, just take no notice of what we're saying. It's got, you know, don't worry about anything', but they didn't, and I'm sat there terrified because these numbers are just going up, and I'm thinking, 'God, it's spread this quick' (laughs).

If in future she suffers uncontrollable pain she would like her family to help her to die.

And one thing which does really worry me is the pain, not suffering to get better, but suffering if, you know, if I come to [a] stage where they can't do anything for me. And I have asked my children and my husband to put me out of my misery, because I don't want to suffer, and I'm sure if they think enough about me, they'll not let me suffer. Because I wouldn't let any of mine suffer. And I don't think it's necessary. Because if doctors know that you've come to state of no return, then all you're doing is suffering, then I honestly think they should give you a needle.

Have you ever brought this up with any doctors or nurses?

No. I have with me family, me family know how I feel. And I think it's because I've a cancer, you know, because I watched me sister die with cancer, and it's alright people saying they can control it. Through my experience of it, I haven't seen where they can fully control it. So nobody's convinced me yet. And if my, I come to stage because my cancer comes back or whatever, I don't want to live. There's no point, because you're putting your family through agony as well, just watching you day by day, and I wouldn't want it. 

How have the family reacted to all this?

They haven't, actually, they've just listened to me. They've never commented yes or no, but I would hope that something has sunk in. And I do feel that they wouldn't want me to suffer, I know that, and I know that my children wouldn't. And I know that they couldn't sit there and watch me suffer. They'd have to do something.

Is that your main worry, or fear?

That's my main worry about cancer. I just hope that it never happens, but you never know what's going to happen, do you? But let's face it, having cancer, it does put in your mind that a time's going to come when you're going to suffer. But I honestly think in this day and age, when people have come to that stage, it shouldn't happen. 

I think that if my quality of life is good, they can, I'll have as much treatment as they want to give me. But when my quality of life has finished, that's it, I want to go. While I can walk about and do what I do and, you know' But as soon as that's gone, that's it. End.