Heart attack

I was still under Intensive Care so and then one; I had, the one thing that really was irritating, I had an oxygen in my nose and making… the mask I had with wire… loads of wire from here, here – chest and you don't do nothing, you just lie there, you're almost as good as dead. There's no part of the body you can move. Unbelievable pain, unbearable pain , you can't breathe properly, you can't turn, you just sit still, there's no sleep for three days but you want to close your eyes to sleep but they made no difference and the experience I had, I forgot it and tell is that the dreams that you hallucinate, hallucinations. 

And that was a scary part and being on your own in this private room, nobody else then, no visitors and you're looking round and you can't understand, you can't move, you can't really shout, you can press a button for a nurse if you want to and you even shout, "Why is that happening, what's wrong?" and it just feels that you're not in the room. Every day the room looked different so I was thought I was in a different room again – how did I get here? And then, those, for two days was like that and it was so scary to shut the eyes and it was so scary to open the eyes so you didn't know what, which, you know dimension you were in and how do you get out of here. Night time I opened the room and thinking, 'Am I asleep or am I awake?' and it was so difficult. But the support from nurses and the people in charge, it was so brilliant, they were there to make sure that, reassure you that you are alright. And day and night were just the same, there was, you know, you couldn't, it was nothing to look forward to whether it was daytime or night time so those were the first two days. 

And the pain was so, you couldn't move, yeah I was petrified of moving. Only the hand that could move and press the button. And then what… I think about two, two days later then you get up and you drag these things with you to go to toilet and the first time they took a tube out, out of m what do they call it, the willy? And you can pee naturally. That was a lovely feeling, you can feel something that you're doing on your own and the first feeling that you have. So I didn't want to get out of the toilet, I was like ‘I’m staying here now’ and then you drag yourself back. 

And so that was a horrendous experience and once I started walking and I was, after three days I was walking up and down the hallway to get yourself fit and I then got better, then I had, one of the male nurse give me a shower which was brilliant and from then on the things got better and better then I was eating a little bit more, drinking a lot, I drank so much water. I remember my first day when I realised I was awake that they said the more water I drink the quicker, better I will get. 

And after the operation and then I realised that now, you know, I mean you look at yourself and completely helpless, a wire coming out of everywhere, you know, and you can't get up and you can't sleep for three days, you don't want to eat, drink, nothing and you know there's no will to do that. So that was the hardest part, then thinking where do you go from there? Where's the next stop, you know, and people answer, convince you that you'll be fine and you don't believe that and because your body's torn to pieces and there's nothing, no strength and, or will. And you think why have I had this done, you know, what's the point of it all? I'm not going to get better. And then my family, my wife, to look at her face and you're thinking, 'I need to get better,' you know and I remember my father had the same, a triple bypass and I went to see him and he was fine and then I had a phone call from my brother saying he was very, very ill, he's back in hospital. So I went to see him again six weeks later and to see him he was from fourteen stone, he was, to about nine stone eight and he looked like a skeleton and he hadn't eaten for three weeks and I could see him and I'm thinking, 'If I don't eat I'm going to end up like him.' So I had to force myself to put something in my mouth and swallow with a tea or water just two spoons each day, that's all I had for three days and that's what really inspired me. I thought, 'I've got to live, I've got, you know, get better. If I don't eat now I'll probably never do it.' So that was one inspiration from him.

Then my daughter came from Canada and to see her face that you, and she's a very determined young lady, she said, "You've got to get better Dad, so get yourself up." I love my grandchildren, they want to chase you because I always fight with them and so I thought there was another one, I thought I've got to get better. So it was a brilliant, every day, felt a little bit better than the day before. For three days it was very, very difficult and then fourth day and you can see a light, like somebody had turned the lights on, it was more brighter and every day, every minute from then on it got brighter and brighter and I started walking and then I remember on Tuesday which is the fourth day and the doctor came to see me, he said, "You give me a bit of a fright, but you're OK now," he said, "I was worried, I was concerned but not worried." So and then he said, "How would you like to go home on Wednesday?" So I said, "Can I go home on Tuesday?" And he said, "Why Tuesday?" I said "Because my daughters going back to Canada on Wednesday so if I go home on Tuesday she'll know I'm better." So that's when I came home.