Ending a pregnancy for fetal abnormality
Photographs and other mementoes of the baby
There are many ways that parents can remember the baby and mark his or her short life. Some people planted trees and plants in their gardens to remind them of the baby, others collected everything connected with the baby, so that teddy bears, shawls, wrist tags and anything else which had physically touched the baby were saved and stored in a memory box. Several parents had collected poems and song lyrics and kept them in a special book, others had kept journals of their thoughts and feelings since the baby's death, a few women had written letters to their baby (see also 'Saying goodbye to the baby'). Some of those who had a surgical termination treasured photographs of the baby's first scan because they felt it was all they had left of the baby.
She has kept a special box for her baby's teddy and photographs.
She has kept a special box for her baby's teddy and photographs.
And I, and I feel that I did the best that I could at the time for everybody involved, including firstly [the baby] and my eldest daughter.
She decided to leave her photos of the baby in the kitchen so that members of her family could...
She decided to leave her photos of the baby in the kitchen so that members of her family could...
We took lots of photographs because we didn't want to forget. Although her little face and hands is imprinted on our minds forever. When we came home from hospital and when we'd got the photographs back, they were, were on the side in the kitchen, and we had lots of family coming and going for a few days, and we always said to them, 'We've got some photographs, you don't have to look at them'.
I didn't want people thinking that, you know, we've got the photographs you must look at them which was why we gave them the option to say, 'Oh no'. But nobody did decline looking at them. Everybody looked at them and everybody sort of said, 'Oh she looks very peaceful,' and had tears in their eyes.
And sometimes I think well would I like to look at pictures of somebody else's dead child? But she's a part of us and part of our family. And if they want to look that's fine. And I have a few friends, close friends that every now and again will sort of mention something about [baby] or they will ask - not as frequently as they did in the early days - but every now and again. Some of them are aware that our youngest's birthday is [baby's] memorial and they appreciate that obviously when the youngest turned one it was quite a difficult day for us. But everybody's been very supportive.
Explains why the scan photographs of her son matter to her and give her comfort.
Explains why the scan photographs of her son matter to her and give her comfort.
And I think that's quite important to me definitely. And I think when you don't have a headstone to go to, when you don't have a place to go to, you need a memory in your own way. And so when I get sad, I know it doesn't happen very often at all, I don't spend the whole time like this, [laughs] it's actually quite comforting because I think, 'Well, he did exist, and it does matter. I don't mind if it doesn't matter to anyone else but it matters to me'. And I think that's very important, it is, it is for me.
When the pregnancy has been ended by induction, midwives routinely ask parents if they want to have photographs taken of the baby, just as they would if the baby was stillborn. Parents can also take their own photographs if they prefer. After the baby is delivered, and if parents agree, midwives will bathe the baby, dress her in baby clothes or a shawl, place the baby in a Moses basket and return her to the parents. Midwives will also take the baby's hand and footprints if parents wish. When parents decide they don't want photographs or foot/handprints, they can still be taken and stored with medical notes in case parents change their minds.
Explains why she didn't want to see photographs of her baby though she was willing for...
Explains why she didn't want to see photographs of her baby though she was willing for...
Though parents realised that others might not understand why photographs were so important, many said that they needed to keen something tangible and real. Photographs were important as evidence that the baby had existed and been part of their family, and also because some thought that their memories of the baby might fade.
For many people photographs were for looking at privately, and some stored the baby's photos and footprints in a memory box. Some women said they only looked at photographs when they felt sad or 'wobbly' about the baby. Several parents felt so strongly about the baby's photographs that they had given copies to relatives in case the originals got lost.
The photos of her baby were vitally important to her in the early days.
The photos of her baby were vitally important to her in the early days.
The photos of her baby are all she's got and even though they show some facial abnormalities she...
The photos of her baby are all she's got and even though they show some facial abnormalities she...
No, I just think it's just the way they cope with it. I just find it strange. I mean to me it would be like, I mean these babies at the end of the day, you know they are dead, when they're taking these photographs, so I wouldn't take a photograph of say my father as he died and put it on the wall - its too private, too personal. But, I can also see it's the only thing they've got. Because you haven't got anything that that baby's worn, or played with, or any, any history of them, that's all you've got. So I can see why they might want to do that.
Photographs were also a way of introducing the baby to other members of the family and marking his/her life. Some people decided to leave the baby's photos in places where other people could find them and take a look at them if they wished. Other parents took a more direct approach and made a point of showing the baby's photographs to others -several parents had put photographs of the baby - and also scan photographs - on display in their homes.
Not everyone wanted to have photographs taken of their baby, and several people who had agreed to photographs said that the quality was poor and didn't capture 'the essence' of the baby. People didn't always know how they would feel about taking photographs of the baby until it happened - some parents who had agreed to it wished they hadn't or disliked the end results. One couple decided not to look at the baby though the midwife had taken some photographs. Over time the woman found she became 'fixated' on seeing the photographs that her husband had kept hidden.
She had chosen not to see her baby but knowing that a photo had been taken she became quite...
She had chosen not to see her baby but knowing that a photo had been taken she became quite...
So I then instructed my husband to put them somewhere but not somewhere that I knew because then I thought that I'd start peeking at them without him there. I think he might have suggested, even, I think he suggested that I agreed that it was a good idea that he would put them somewhere, but not somewhere that I knew, so that if I wanted to look at them, I'd have to do it in a controlled way. So I'd have to ask him he'd have to come with me and tell me.
So they were hidden away somewhere in the house and then I became fixated of where they were, and spent ages looking for, you know, spent, regularly each day I would think I wonder if he put them there, I wonder if he's put them there. I don't think my husband knew I was doing this even.
And anyway several months down the line, probably 2 months down the line, the day came when I decided that I was going to look at them next Monday and would he look at them with me and he said he would. And so we kind of pinned this day in the future, so it was about 3 days away, when we would look at the pictures and I can remember talking to my best friend about it at length and her saying, 'Do you want me to look at them with you?' And I said, 'No, it's a private thing, we'll do it together but we'll look at the picture.'
And then all sorts of things, and the day came and all sorts of things spilled out then, that I'd named the baby which my husband would never get, again into the whole thing but I'd given her a name. And then he was quite cross that I'd named her and it wasn't his name and we'd never discussed it and, but anyway, she became [name], which was the name that I'd given her and he then was quite okay with that. And I asked him to look at them first and he looked at them and said, 'No, you won't want to see them. They don't look nice.'
And as it turned out, they weren't very good pictures, the quality of the pictures was extremely poor and very distant and quite macabre. They weren't at all pleasant which, again, made me think I should have seen the baby because these pictures just didn't capture her in any shape or form. And I remember... and he stood a long way away at first, and held it up and I got closer and closer, I don't know why we just didn't... but the whole thing that we went through and I finally got really close up to it and then I just didn't think anything, I just thought it was awful. But they weren't, they didn't really look like a baby, almost so I wasn't really upset with them I was more upset that they didn't look like a baby.
He and his wife didn't mind seeing their baby wrapped up in a shawl but thought it was...
He and his wife didn't mind seeing their baby wrapped up in a shawl but thought it was...
So yeah, I mean we look at the photos every now and then, and I don't like looking at the one of her dressed up, you know, I didn't think that was right, it's not what I would do.
Did anybody ask you if you wanted her to be dressed?
No, no-one asked us if we wanted her to be dressed. Thinking, thinking about it one of the midwives said, 'We're going to take a photo, we'll put a nice little hat on her and'. And but it just didn't register at the time, didn't register that that's actually what was going to happen.
Parents could become very upset when others made too many assumptions about taking photographs - sometimes people felt that staff had taken too many photographs, or had disliked flash being used - sometimes women were upset when the situation was handled insensitively particularly when they had just given birth and had not been given enough time to think. One woman felt her baby's privacy had been invaded when her aunts took photographs of her baby with their mobile phones without asking first. Another woman felt that staff questioned her choice not to have photographs taken of the baby.
She had wanted one photo as a record but did not like it when staff took a roll of photographs of...
She had wanted one photo as a record but did not like it when staff took a roll of photographs of...
The midwife had a camera, and she asked if we would like her to take a picture, and we said we would and she took a couple of Polaroid pictures. She then had another camera and she took what seemed like a whole film, and I found that quite upsetting, I didn't want a whole film of this baby, I wanted a record. I thought that it was maybe important for my other children that I had a record that, so they could see what, you know what had actually happened, but I really didn't like that feeling of the camera flashing on this little dead person.
That didn't really seem right at all. I remember thinking it was the saddest thing I'd ever seen. It was, it was almost like there is a depth of sadness and we were kind of on that bottom floor, there was a point you know if it had been a hundred babies it would have been equally sad.
She got upset when her aunts took photographs of her baby to send to their families.
She got upset when her aunts took photographs of her baby to send to their families.
And like some of my aunties, they started taking photos of the baby with their camera, that... on their phone, and that was upsetting, because I felt like, it's not that it shows anything, because they wanted to send it to their Mum so she can have a look, but I didn't like that at all, its just like there's nothing... you know. I don't know what the word is'
Parents valued having the chance to keep something tangible and real that would remind them of the baby, but most people felt it was important that everyone around them should respect their choices about what they did and did not want and not make assumptions. (See also 'Deciding whether to see, hold and name the baby'.)
Last reviewed July 2017.
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