Depression and low mood (young people)

It’s the general reaction to it. They completely ignored it at my old school ‘cos I wasn’t the only one that used to self harm. I used to do it in obvious places, but people used to do it blatantly obvious and that was cries for help and I was going to say I don’t see anything wrong with that, but I guess that doesn’t make much sense. I think that if someone’s having to cry out for help that loudly then something has to be done. I think even at the psychiatric unit they don’t really know how to deal with it, because when I came in the other week and my arms were covered in marks the reaction I got was, “Oh you shouldn’t be doing that it’s really bad for you,” [laughs]. That’s really helpful, why didn’t I think of that, thanks guys.” I think that people generally don’t understand mental health and they don’t understand self harm because of that, ‘cos it’s such a common thing and people do it in so many ways, and it’s just, I hate the fact that people associate it with attention seeking. It’s not, of course there are always going to be some people where they just want the, want the attention whatever the cost, but if someone’s honestly having such a difficult time that’s the only way they feel they can let out how they’re feeling, then they need help.

Cutting didn’t start until I was about 15 although I do remember times in between that were occasionally maybe a scratch or two, or, purposely doing something which I know really hurt. So the cutting didn’t really get regular till I was doing my GCSEs when I was getting really stressed. And it was just, it was it was very regular like, it definitely started off first of all as a coping mechanism because it just became it’s own thing, I was just doing it for the sake of doing it, and then when I got upset I did it even more, so it was kind of at least a couple of times a week I’d cut, the majority of the time it was because I was upset, because I was upset all the time, but if there wasn’t, anything major then it was maybe you know maybe a couple more than usual, and that went on through the whole of GCSE’s and sixth form college. And then because my Mum find out, found out it was quite, you know it was quite, she was upset, it was, you know, “Stop it. Don’t do it anymore.” And I did stop but I did kind of, I stopped cutting my arms, it would just moved it onto like shoulders or legs but it wouldn’t be so obvious, but then when she found that out as well it was kind of, “You know you have to stop this now,” because you know threats of, you know you’re gonna kill us all mentally or whatever, it’s kind of, I just had to, because, and because my parents didn’t like the concept of me going to see a doctor about it, especially Mum, she was like, “You know you’re clever enough to sort it out yourself, just sort it out.”

 

And, “You know, you’re kind of intelligent enough, you’re, you’re mature enough,” ‘cos I’m the elder sister, then like, “You’re old enough. You, you can do this, just fix it yourself. Like I don’t want to have to worry about this problem with you.” And it’s kind of, “Okay.”

 

So I, you know I did what I could, I did read about self help things and it was kind of you know so I started writing in a journal, it, it worked but it didn’t work. And even now, if, you know, it take, it might be like six months in between, like the time of one cut and another, but it’s kind of, it’s not, I personally don’t feel like it’s ever gonna go away completely. 

‘Cos I was self harming, because it like, I wanted to work with children ‘cos I been to [college name] for two years, and I’ve got NVQ1 and entry level 2, and I think, something like that. And I wanted to go back to college this year and do childcare, but then I’m thinking, well do you know what I mean? Working with kids, having scars on your arms, not really right is it really, do you know what I mean? But I was told when I’m angry, to hold ice in my hands, in the palm of my hands and close it because it will hurt, it will sting, but it won’t leave you marks, it won’t leave any or there’s elastic bands, I was told loads of it do you know what I mean? But I haven’t actually ever tried any of them out.

I think there’s a lot of information available about depression because it’s quite a common thing, apparently sort of 1 in 4 people have some kind of mental health problem during their life, and it normally is depression. But you don’t get any information about sort of how common it is so, but the idea that you being alone in it still exists. It was only afterwards that I found out that it was quite common, and you know the self harm thing that sort of 1 in 10 people do it, ‘cos I’ve never known anyone else to do it.