Conditions that threaten women’s lives in childbirth & pregnancy
Father's/ partner's experiences in hospital
We spoke to ten husbands/male partners, and one lesbian partner, of women who experienced a life threatening condition in childbirth or shortly afterwards. Partly, this was to help fill in the gaps of their partners’ experiences, as the women are often unconscious for many hours or days during the emergency. But we also wanted to understand men’s experiences of nearly losing their partner and baby, and how they were treated and supported in the hospital. Women themselves also told us what they knew of how it had affected their partner, and how frightening and traumatic it could be.
Natalie and her husband were back on the ward, after the emergency of her haemorrhage had passed. He thought she was asleep and broke down crying.
Natalie and her husband were back on the ward, after the emergency of her haemorrhage had passed. He thought she was asleep and broke down crying.
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My husband’s very contained. He’s very, he contains his emotions very, very well and he did that very much when it was happening. So I would never have known. He wasn’t freaking out, he wasn’t panicking, he was being calm, he was keeping me calm. He was very comforting, he was very reassuring. And I think that’s his way of dealing with the situation. I don’t think he allowed himself to think about what was going on at the time. And I think it was only afterwards when we were in the recovery room, that the emotions overcame him, and he just thought, he just thought he was going to lose me, and he was like, what would I have done? And he was terribly upset by what had happened and what he’d seen. And overjoyed at the same time that, you know, his son was here. So I think it was a whole range of experiences, emotions going through him at that time. But he’s since confessed, in that birth thing, birth story, he did say that he had a weird feeling that something was going to happen and that towards the later stage of my pregnancy, he had actually been distancing himself from the pregnancy and me to some degree because he didn’t, he was almost afraid to become attached because he had some weird feelings something was going to happen.
Kerry's partner was planning to attend the emergency caesarean section, but was traumatised when he saw all the blood of her haemorrhage.
Kerry's partner was planning to attend the emergency caesarean section, but was traumatised when he saw all the blood of her haemorrhage.
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Do you think he’s…. how do you think the actual experience has affected him? Does he carry that with him still do you think?
I think he does yes. Like I say he’s a real closed book. He plays everything down but that day, when I got rushed in. He just got there, and obviously I think he… I was in the theatre room, I think I’d had the epidural and everything by the time he got there, and he was in the, all the blues, so I think he was planning on coming in, and then I just remember him walking in, and him just walking straight, like walking backwards out the door. And he’s hand on his mouth, and I don’t know if he’s seen the blood and he’s just freaked out. I think he feels guilty about that as well, but I know [partner] and he doesn’t do blood… he’s… And I just remember coming back out into the recovery room and he was, he was crying, he was red. He was on his own, his hand was in his head. He was pasting the room, and as soon as I come out I just remember him grabbing hold of me, and he said, “I thought you were dead, I thought you were dead, I didn’t see the baby, they just whipped him off. I didn’t know whether to go down there or stay with you. I didn’t know whether you was all right. No one’s come to tell me if you’re all right. So I didn’t want to”…And I think he was, he was all over with it. But…
So no one went out to tell him then?
No. He was left on his own in the recovery room. So he didn’t… I remember saying he didn’t know whether to go with the baby or whether to stay there. He didn’t know, he said, “I know that obviously my sister was with me, and she’s brilliant.” But he didn’t know whether, you know, do I go down there. Like is my girlfriend all right? He said, “There was no one around to ask, everyone was in there.”
The men we spoke to told us of their experiences of their wives’ labours and the start of the emergency. For some, there was a long build up before things started to go wrong. Simon described feeling “impotent” as his wife was in labour, “going through something as intense as that, and as uncomfortable as that, as unpleasant and painful as that”.
For others, the emergency developed very quickly. Mark and his wife had rushed to hospital in an ambulance when she started bleeding. He tried to remain “calm” and “passive”. But once they arrived at the hospital, “all hell broke loose” and “I just watched what was going on. I had nothing to do. I was powerless, completely powerless.” Amy and Sally, lesbian partners, were both in the delivery suite when Amy started to haemorrhage. Sally was asked to leave the room. Other partners, such as John, were also left alone when the emergency was being managed, and said that in the rush of the emergency they were not given an explanation as to why they needed to leave, which had been very traumatic.
Mark described how the crash team swung into action as soon as the ambulance arrived at the hospital. He felt powerless to do anything but sit and wait.
Mark described how the crash team swung into action as soon as the ambulance arrived at the hospital. He felt powerless to do anything but sit and wait.
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And then we got there, and then all hell broke loose. And I got in first, and they told me, I went to get the lift, call the lift, and then they rushed her in, and we were upstairs in a flash into the room and as we got there, the what do I remember next? Being taken to a room and told to sit in the corner.
Then it was crash team time. The call was put out. And suddenly there were people flying into the room. I was still in this corner. I saw them pulling jewellery off and I think some, I forget what it was now, I was just told, and then I realised something was going horribly wrong.
And then I said, “Is the baby all right?” And one of the nurses turned to me and said, “Well his heart’s still being. His or her….” Not his, we didn’t know it was a he. “The baby’s heart’s still beating.” And I thought, “Oh right.”
What happened then? I just watched what was going on. I had nothing to do. I was powerless, completely powerless. But I knew that if, I knew that I couldn’t do anything, and I did have, I suppose I put my faith in that moment, into [wife]’s ability to get through it. And the crash team’s ability to deal with it.
And then she was off. And I was just told to sit there and wait. The room was emptied, there was nothing in there but a chair and whatever was fixed to the walls. So I just sat there and waited.
And then a little while later, and I don’t think it was minutes later. It must have been a few minutes later, a nurse came in, and said, “It’s a boy. And he scored 9 on the APGAR scale.” And I was like, “I’m sorry” [laughs]. I didn’t even know what an APGAR scale was. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. And she, “Don’t worry it wasn’t a ten, hardly any of them get to ten.” And so I said, “All right.” And then she disappeared.
And I sat there a little while longer and then I remember getting and walking out. It must have been an hour later, I don’t know. I lost track of time, but I thought maybe it was an hour later. I walked out and found the theatre, and I saw. As I was still outside they brought a trolley out, it was an incubator, and I looked thinking is he in there, and he wasn’t and I thought. Where the hell is this baby? And I looked through the doors and I could see you lying on the table, and something which I presume was the placenta in the tray. Still no sign of the baby.
And then I went back to the room and eventually the nurse, or midwife came back and had the baby, [son], in her arms, and she handed him over to me, and I said, “How do you hold a baby.” Because I just realised then, I’d never actually held a new born baby and I just held onto him. Got a bit emotional and then waited for them to wheel [wife] out into recovery. It must have been ages. I don’t know how long it took, but it was a while. And then I brought [son] in, and said, “Here’s [son].”
And at some point while we were there, the obstetrician I guess, came in and said that you’d given consent, you were drugged up at that point, to having the emergency caesarean. You were on a drip and having blood pumped back into you and I remember being slightly surprised at the amount of blood that had been lost as the units went in. And, there we were just with little else to do except watch and wait for things to sort of calm down I suppose.
Sally was asked to leave the delivery suite as Amy started to haemorrhage. It was hard waiting outside for news.
Sally was asked to leave the delivery suite as Amy started to haemorrhage. It was hard waiting outside for news.
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Amy' Because it was the blood vessel as well as just the kind of, the uterus bleeding. So I suppose they were trying to find the source of the bleeding, but I don’t really …
Sally' No, I mean I remember the anaesthetist was…
Amy' She was great.
Sally' She was absolutely she was really calm.
Amy' And she was very assertive with them.
Sally' She was very assertive with the team so when Amy started to kind of come unresponsive and I was like “what the hell’s going on?” She was, you know, this is normal, she’s got pain relief. And she didn’t want to panic, but she was really clear with them about, “You’ve got to stop this now, you’ve got to stop the bleeding and get her sewn up.” You know, they put a drain in so if there was any kind of, so they could check.
Amy' They did turf you out.
Sally' Yes, she took control. But then I started to get quite upset because obviously Amy was kind of. I didn’t have a clue what was going on. I didn’t know. You know, all I knew was suddenly the room was full of people. You know, absolutely rightly no one was talking to me about what was going on apart from the anaesthetist and so they said, “Perhaps you should leave.”
And of course, I think whilst they say that that’s probably the right thing for me to do, but of course I was starting to think, well why are you asking me to leave? What the hell is going on?
So I took, the midwife that had been with us, put [daughter] in the kind of cot, incubator thing and she was fine throughout. She was, she was kind of, they weren’t at all worried about her, or anything. And I kind of sat in the corridor. You know, just outside while they gave you a blood transfusion. While they were giving her blood, and but in the meantime Amy’s Mum who sat in the kind of reception area could hear them ordering blood for someone and knew… Because we’d been in there a couple of hours by this point. You were in theatre for almost three hours.
Amy' Three and a bit hours yes.
Sally' And she was, they kind of were talking about this thing going on and she sat there, so nobody had kind of gone to her and said, so she knew her daughter was in trouble you know, and that was, I think from her point of view she found that quite difficult.
Amy' Yes, I think they just forgot I suppose. You know, when they’re busy and stuff they sort of forget that there might be a relative or someone sat there and they were all, she was sat right by in the sort of nurse’s station or whatever they call it, so …
Sally' She used to be a nurse and it didn’t help because she understood a lot of the terminology that they were using [laughs]. So…
Amy' And then I think, and then I don’t really, I sort of vaguely remember being transferred onto a trolley and saying to them, “Just leave me alone.” I remember getting quite cross with them. I was like, “Stop touching me. Just go away and leave me alone.” And then being taken to the high dependency unit.
John was left alone in the delivery suite after his partner was rushed off to surgery to stop her bleeding. She haemorrhaged twice and required a hysterectomy. At one point he was told to call next of kin.
John was left alone in the delivery suite after his partner was rushed off to surgery to stop her bleeding. She haemorrhaged twice and required a hysterectomy. At one point he was told to call next of kin.
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And then [name] went as pale as you can imagine. It was like a ghost, and I thought, what’s up with her? I said, “Are you feeling all right?” You said, “No, I’m feeling bit dizzy.” And then your head fell back a bit. I said, “What’s up with her?” Then they pushed me out the way, they done a few bits of work, and then they said, “Right get her to theatre.” So there was this massive rush, alarms going everywhere, rush, shooting off and everything and they said, “Well you stay there.” And I’m thinking, what’s going on, you know, no one was telling me.
And this is the bit I don’t like telling [name], is I was left there with blood everywhere, all over me, all over the floor, and they left me there for about three to four hours before…
About four hours. I can’t be exactly sure, but I’m sure it was about four hours and then they come back and they said, “Right [name]’s had a major bleed we didn’t have to take the womb, and you can go and see her in a minute.”
So I thought, oh God, it’s all over and done with then. So, by then they had just brought [daughter] back in to see me, and they said I could go into resus. So I went in there to see [name], and I said, “Cor, you gave us all a shock.” And we had a little chat. And suddenly it all happened again.
While you were there?
Yes, yes, I was in resus. I said, “What’s going on? She’s going the same colour as what she did?” It was just like a, this really horrible grey colour. And I said what’s going on. They said, “Oh God, she’s bleeding again, she’s bleed again.” So they took her to the other side of the room literally, to where the operating theatre was, and then that’s when I could hear [name] saying, “Look, get him out, get him out.” I thought oh God, what’s going on? So they pushed me out the door and obviously they didn’t have time, chance to say anything. So I was sort of left wandering around the hospital for another two or three hours. And then they said, “Right, we think we’ve stopped the bleeding now. Do you want to come and see her? I said, “Yes, fine, okay then.”
So when I went back to see her, suddenly they said, “Look, before you go in there, we’ve got to warn you about all these pipes, and everything.” And I went, “Yes, yes, no problem.” I’ve seen Casualty, no problem. So I walked in there for the biggest shock of my life. She had a pipe out of every single hole of her body, every hole, and then she had these like, what I call like, swimming pool airbeds all over her, which was to keep her body temperature and it was such a shock to see her. I couldn’t actually get right to her, because there were so many machines around. And that’s when I fell apart. I did fall apart then, and they put into a waiting room, to take her up to intensive care. And then they said, “Right she’s all fine now and everything. What you need to do is go and get some sleep.” So I said, “Right, okay.”
So I drove home. The second I drove home, I phoned the hospital up again, they said, “Yes, she’s fine, she’s awake and she’s feeding [daughter].” I thought oh that’s amazing. Anyway I put the phone down, put the kettle on to make a cup of tea. Phone went again. “Look [name] has just another major bleed. We don’t know what’s going. You’re going to have to phone next of kin and get here as quickly as possible, because we don’t know if she&
Sarah was in intensive care after she haemorrhaged. She described how her husband, found it “very hard to cope with the fact that the nurses brought him in and he had to say goodbye before they transferred me, when I was sort of in this coma. And it was a complete shock to him, he had no idea that this could happen… he was so unprepared.”
Dean’s wife had amniotic fluid embolism (AFE), a very rare complication of pregnancy in which amniotic fluid, fetal skin or other cells enter the woman’s blood stream and trigger an allergic reaction, and was critically ill. He described going down to see her in the Intensive Care Unit. It was like a “space ship” – “she was like on the bed and it looked like a hundred doctors around her and she was swollen… and I just took one look and I just come back out because I couldn’t face seeing her like that.” Not knowing whether their wives were alive or dead, as Simon said, “Fearing the worst”, was very distressing. Craig was also very upset by seeing his wife in Intensive Care.
Craig was shocked to find his wife in Intensive Care. The nurses were taking her rings off (in case her fingers swelled up) but he misunderstood what they were doing, and thought she was dead.
Craig was shocked to find his wife in Intensive Care. The nurses were taking her rings off (in case her fingers swelled up) but he misunderstood what they were doing, and thought she was dead.
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So you were telling me about going over to see her in the Intensive Care.
Yes, so I walked in, and there was a young nurse and she was playing around with [wife]’s hand. All I saw was tubes out of [wife] and, and I was trying to understand what was going on, and they were taking her rings off her fingers. Or trying to. I was trying not to be hurt about it. Because nobody explained why they were taking the rings off. And I was thinking, is this it? What’s going on?
And then some head of turned up and there was a bed and I was standing on one side and they were like surrounded on the other side. And they said, “Oh have you got any questions?” And then I just stood there, and I was saying to them, “What went on? What, what brought us to this?” And they’re saying, “Oh it’s only a little problem. It was only this. It was only that.” And I’m, do you know, when they’re talking and you’re not hearing, because I was trying to stop myself thinking bad things and trying to listen what they were saying. I just couldn’t understand what they were saying to me, and I remember they spoke for about two minutes each, and then said, “Oh if you’ve got any other questions, just ask for us.”
Okay.
And then they, they went off. I just stood there. I just, I honest to God couldn’t understand how we got from a joyful experience, having children, being induced, I don’t know if that’s enjoyable for [wife], but, for me, it’s sort of bringing new life in the world. It was a thing to be, you know, in amazement to, and this sounds awful, but I don’t care about the children, what about my wife? You know. You know.
And all going through my mind was how am I going to cope without [wife]? Because I actually thought she was dead. And they were, you know, just holding her on a life support machine until such time. Because nobody turned round and said, “Oh she’ll be okay shortly or…” And you know, and… I just stood there, probably for about an hour. Just stroking her hands.
And then a nice nurse came in and said, “I think it would be nice to take some pictures of the babies. We’ll put them around her bed. So you know, I’ll print them off and I’ll put them round the bed. With your permission. Would you like to come and see your children, and take some pictures.” I went, “Yes. Yes. I think so.”
So we took some pictures and put them on the bed, at the end of her bed so when she, when she woke up, she’d see them. And of course I thought they were just doing for, you know, some other reason. And I can’t even remember what the reason was, because for me [wife] was in major trouble. You know, it’s awful.
Several men described the support they had during the emergency from either relatives or medical staff. Simon was glad he had his Mum there, Sarah made sure her father was with her husband, during her operation, and Alison described how staff made sure her husband had someone with him. Small acts of support from medical staff during the emergency could really help men cope.
Mike and his wife, Joanna (Interview 07), lost their baby after an internal haemorrhage. His wife begged him not to leave her, and so he refused to leave her side. The anaesthetist put her arm around him when he was holding his stillborn baby and his wife – a simple act but one which made a difference to him.
Mike refused to leave his wife when she was she went through to theatre to stop her bleeding and deliver their stillborn daughter. He was comforted by the anaesthetist.
Mike refused to leave his wife when she was she went through to theatre to stop her bleeding and deliver their stillborn daughter. He was comforted by the anaesthetist.
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Terrifying to be honest. Because I knew that we’d lost our daughter, but I could tell, I was there for the Caesarean of our first daughter, and there were slight complications in that as well. But I knew the way Joanna was in that first operation, how she was deteriorating, and I could see it happening again. So I was just looking at Joanna really. You know, and although the hassle that was going on around us, I remember we were just kind of looking at each other weren’t we? I know Joanna was kind of saying quite a lot about looking after our first daughter and things like that.
The one thing she said to me was, “Don’t leave me.” And it was the anaesthetist consultant that came round and I said, “I’m coming in with you.” She was like, “Yes, that’s fine, that’s fine. It’s not a problem.” And then they kind prepped Joanna ready for theatre, and before we came out the anaesthetist wanted to speak to me. So she pulled me up. She said, “When I said you could come in, you are going to come in, but then you’re going out. So Joanna thinks you’re going to be there, but when she falls asleep you’re going to come out of the theatre.” And I remember my exact words to her were, “Then you’d better call security because nothing is going to drag me out of the theatre.” And she went, “All right, okay.” She said, “Well…” She said, “Well it’s not going to be very nice.” And I said, “I’m not leaving Joanna.” I said, “I’ve already lost my daughter. I’m not losing my wife.” And… it was a good five minutes or so, while they were just sort of getting a conversation between the consultants, and they agreed that I could come in, but they would put a big screen up. And I said, “I don’t really care what you do. I just want to be there for Joanna, because I couldn’t look her in the eyes, after it, and her saying, how was it and everything else. And also yes, I’ve lost my daughter. I know she’s no longer with us, but I didn’t like the idea of my daughter being born and no one being with her.”
So I kind of muscled my way in really and then, it was like, for a Caesarean really. My daughter was born. She was next to me. I was holding her. But at the same, because I could hear what was going on, knowing how poorly Joanna was, and it wasn’t until I was in that operation how close I was to losing her. Even they were surprised as to how much blood she’d lost. They didn’t have enough blood on standby, so you know, there was a massive kind of rush to get more blood in.
I, at some point in there, I obviously thought I’d be coming out of there and not only having to explain to my daughter that she hasn’t got a sister, but you know, she hasn’t got a mummy as well. And the realisation of it was just immense really. But as I say, the one person who took an interest there was that consultant anaesthetist. You know, I just remember this one kind of scene really. This one moment where I had my arm round Joanna. Obviously Joanna was out for the count, and I was holding my daughter, and I was just, you know, a mess basically and it was the anaesthetist who actually put her arm round me and she was stroking Joanna’s hair as well. I then ten minutes later we were out and it was kind of all changed. But the only thing I insisted as that my daughter stayed with us, and that was allowed. And she was kind of bathed and things like that, but again this was all when Joanna was asleep. And again that’s one of the things really that we’ll never ever get to experience really, is that one of those things where for our first daughter you did experience really,
Michael was grateful to one of the doctors who brought photos of his son out of the operating room for him to see, before he was allowed in to meet him.
Michael was grateful to one of the doctors who brought photos of his son out of the operating room for him to see, before he was allowed in to meet him.
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So at what point did you leave her, when she was put to sleep or …?
Yes. So I got dressed up in the blue outfit and got to go into the operating room and then stayed with her for… until about the point, you know, where she just sort of fell asleep and then I left and all the rest of the doctors all seemed to come in.
And there were a lot of doctors?
There seemed to be, yes, I was surprised, there seemed to be, when I left the room there seemed to be at least ten people in there, and I got the impression that you know, one or two more might be coming in as well, so I didn’t, that didn’t panic me, but I was sort of surprised that we needed to have that many doctors or medical staff in there for the actual operation.
And how long… where did you go during…?
I went back down the hallway to the preparation room that we’d been in for the previous four or five hours.
Okay and how long did you have to wait there?
It was probably, twenty, twenty five minutes and one of the doctors had come in and told me that everything was okay. He was a sweet old man, he’d offered to take a camera into the operating theatre to take some photos for the birth. So that was nice. So he came in, initially after may be 20 minutes and sort of said. “Everything seems to have gone okay.” And I think he brought me one photo. No he brought back my digital camera, that’s what he did. He brought back my digital camera so I got to have a look at a couple of photos of our boy on the back of the camera, and then, I think he went away again. And so I spent some time looking at those. He came back with a printed out photo of our boy. So I think they must have had another camera that they took a photo of, and then he went away again, and then he came back a third time. So this was probably getting close to 40 minutes after I’d left the operating room. He came 40 minutes later saying that there’s, the family down the hallway’s missing someone. So got to walk back down the hall way and went in to see my partner cuddling our baby boy. So…
Michael’s partner, Helen had HELLP syndrome (a combined liver and blood clotting disorder)and their baby was born early. He felt the communication from doctors during the emergency was very good, if overwhelming. “I think they did a wonderful job of trying to explain it in a way that a medical dummy like me could sort of understand things.” But other men we talked to did not feel the communication was good at all. Hannah said her husband, Simon, a couple of times “walked up to the doors and had been told to go away. I think that was just a horrible experience for him. He didn’t know anything, he thought I had died.” John felt he was not listened to during the early stages of his partner’s emergency, “a second class citizen”, and was left for three or four hours in the blood stained delivery suite before anyone came back to give him news. While it is difficult for staff to communicate when dealing with the emergency of saving their partner’s lives, when they did communicate with the father, it made a difference.
When his partner was critically ill with amniotic fluid embolism (amniotic fluid enters the mother's blood stream), James just wanted a clear 'meat and potatoes' explanation of what her chances were.
When his partner was critically ill with amniotic fluid embolism (amniotic fluid enters the mother's blood stream), James just wanted a clear 'meat and potatoes' explanation of what her chances were.
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And then kind of being escorted out of the theatre with [daughter]. Was it [daughter], or was it one of those wheel along kind of things or… and me being taken to this room and being sat there with this nurse. And, it’s so funny, because this would have been really clear at one time. I just remember being in this room and then someone, I can’t even remember if it was the consultant or not. For some reason in my head, I’ve got a bloke and a woman both coming in and talking to me, and it might have been that a nurse came in and then the consultant. There was a female came in. Kind of saying a bit of what the problem was. I don’t remember what, what they said the problem, but I can remember me saying, I remember it being kind of you know, very vague medical speak, and I actually had to say at the end, “So there’s a chance she won’t make it?” I think I just wanted a meat and potatoes kind of conversation. I didn’t want some fancy words. I kind of, “What, so there’s a chance she won’t make it?” And, and they actually said, “Yes.” I can’t remember if I said, “What is the chance… the situation.” I remember, I mean my head, sort of it was 50/50 as if that was kind of what I’d been told. That wasn’t something I had worked out, because I didn’t have enough information for that, so I think they would have said, it’s sort of 50/50. But that, that information only came because I’ve asked for it.
Rob was horrified when he went to see his wife that the nurses implied she was dying; they told him she might be able to hear him because they said, “The hearing is the last thing to go”. When he went in to see her in the Intensive Care Unit, “I stood there just dumbstruck at what I was looking at. You know my beautiful wife, just you know, dead… you know what else are you going to think?” Mandy, who had a hysterectomy after developing acute fatty liver, also felt that communication with her husband could have been better. “So from the father’s point of view quite traumatic, and again you know, probably could have been handled better by myself, and the midwives and the staff, in that he should have been pulled aside and just said, ’look you know this could potentially be quite tricky.’” (For more see ‘Communication with health professionals’).
The other aspect of the emergency that men found difficult was dealing with their newborn baby (see ‘Contact with newborn baby and bonding’ and ‘Baby in neonatal unit (NICU)’). For some there was the shock of discovering that their baby was ill and needed to be in neo-natal intensive care. But for others, there was the challenge of looking after their newborn while their mother was seriously ill. Men had different experiences in different hospitals. For Simon it was a frustration. He was not allowed to take his daughter home. She was looked after in the midwives’ station. John was not allowed to take his daughter home either, but he did care for her in the hospital. “I had a few days of intensive training on nappy changing and bathing and things… It was quite hard doing all that with no sleep.” James was allowed to take his new daughter home while his partner remained in hospital.
James's partner had to stay in isolation. His daughter was well so the hospital asked him to take her home. It was a steep learning curve.
James's partner had to stay in isolation. His daughter was well so the hospital asked him to take her home. It was a steep learning curve.
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Yes, but it was a really sudden thing because they suddenly decided for [partner] to go into this isolation ward and they said, I was like, “Well what happens with [daughter]?” And they said, “Well she’ll go back down to the child thing.” And then suddenly they kind of said, “No she can’t go in there.” I think it turned out that there wasn’t room, but they also said, “It’s dangerous her being there, because she might catch something being in there.” I wasn’t sure if that was an excuse because they just didn’t have the capacity. But I remember within about half an hour they said, “You’re leaving the hospital.” And I remember thinking well I don’t even possess a bottle, or any milk, and I actually had to go out from the hospital and go to like one of these crummy little, you know, like a Tesco Metro thing and they happened to have some baby milk in, and then I had to go like to some other crummy little chemist. It wasn’t a main chemist or anything, and trying to like looking to see if they’d got any bottles and then got some bottles.
And I rang up a friend, and I kind of said, yes, because like my partner’s sisters were on sort of standby but they, you know, they, they live hours away, you know. Because I remember ringing my friend and I can’t remember if may be I had texted him over time, like sort of let him know what had happened, but I kind of said to him. I mean he’s got three children, and I remember saying to him, “I’m going to come home. I’ve not slept probably for three days, you know. My partners sisters are coming over tomorrow to kind of help look after her. Can you come to my house tonight to sort of do the night shift, you know, because I’m, I’m absolutely done in. You know, I can remember just having an almost. I remember taking sort of paracetamol every four hours because I just had a headache just from lack of sleep. So basically I bought this stuff.
My brother had visited and was in the hospital. I remember him helping me, you know, get [daughter] into the car. And then there was this weird journey. Because [daughter] had started to cry a bit in the car, because I think she was a bit hungry and I just thought oh God, I’m just going to get home, you know, and when I get there I can feed her and whatever, but I mean I’m just going to get home, you know. And, you know, just set off, and there was this journey with this child sort of intermittently crying and me sort of thinking oh God, you know, I hope I can park outside my house, because living in London that was a bit of nightmare and just managing to get home, get all the stuff in the house and then after about ten minutes my friend sort of turned up and it was you know, at least interesting to know that he’d got a lot of childcare experience and stuff and you know, there was this real mixture because I was, I was shattered. Obviously when my friend turned up, I partly felt obliged to talk to him. I just wanted to go to bed I think.
Hm.
And also you know, when we’re together, we’re usually quite jovial, so there was kind of the, and he was also saying his wife thought it was quite amusing that there were these two men sort of looking after a new born baby, you know, in the house together and you know, we had a bit of a laugh and a joke while I was also shattered and everything, you know. And he sort of did the night shift, looking after [daughter] [laughs].
Dean's baby was in NICU while his wife was in Intensive Care. He established a routine spending time with each. His daughter was very well cared for and the staff were very supportive.
Dean's baby was in NICU while his wife was in Intensive Care. He established a routine spending time with each. His daughter was very well cared for and the staff were very supportive.
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And then I decided to take a walk down the corridor and go and see [daughter], you know, and she was pretty good. She was really good actually. I didn’t pick her up, actually, I didn’t want to pick her up. Not because I didn’t want to. It’s because they look so small, they’ve got tubes sticking out of them and little hat on all that shit on. And obviously I was touching her through the holes and everything.
But I wanted to get into a routine. So I was basically spending two or three hours with [daughter], back up at the hospital, back up the corridor to Intensive Care and just back and forth. They found me somewhere to sleep in Intensive Care obviously then. Because they were refurbishing the ward, what do you all it, where all the parents stay, or whatever they’re called. In the special care baby unit, I had a bed there. You know, and they were feeding me. They were looking after me. Letting me have showers, you know, it was great. It really was good.
I made friends with basically the whole hospital. And they found me like, not park benches, but somewhere no one comes down here. You know, you get some kip for a couple of hours. I was a vagrant, bags and everything. And like bags of food, they used to give me papers in the morning, you know. And they looked after obviously [wife].
And two days after [daughter] was born, and [wife] obviously had that, obviously the loss of blood and everything, she had to go back in and have another operation to remove the packing.
Okay.
And to me that was worse, because they had to re-open, and because they had to re-open her, what they had to do was basically thicken her blood again, which is dangerous, because obviously that causes clots, you know, so that was that was really, really bad and that was 8 o’clock in the morning she was, she was going down for that. So my brother in law, [brother in law], with me, he turned up, we had something to drink, but I didn’t have something to drink,, and we waited for an hour and a half, [name],obviously she was the anaesthetist, she turned up and said she was perfect, she was good. They said they was a little bit worried because obviously they had opening her up, if it had been like a normal blood, and they obviously had to thicken it up a little bit, you know. Because Warfarin obviously thins your blood.
Yes.
So she’s had some cuts herself, and it doesn’t stop bleeding. You know, so, yes, so.
Did they explain all that to you, all about the blood clotting and stuff, what was going on or did you …?
Yes.
They explained quite clearly.
She was in Intensive Care.
Yes, okay.
You know, and that Intensive Care was something else. It’s like I said to you, it’s like a space ship. There was someone at the bed, or at the end of the bed all the time. And obviously buttons and God knows what else is behind her. They was just great people. They were just amazing people. That is the best hospital of all. It is, not just, obviously they saved [daughter], which I didn’t know until ten days later, that they’d kept from me, was that she was actually born with septicaemia.
Right.
I did ask questions after a few hours, why did she have like a drip in her arm. And they said, “That’s just normal standard practice, if they come in Intensive Care.” Which it probably is, but
Men (and lesbian partner) we talked to described how hard it was being pulled in two directions – joy at the arrival of their new baby and terrible fear for the health of the mother. James said, “I was very aware that kind of my head was being pulled in two different directions at the same time. Because there was this kind of, I’d got this daughter, I’d also got this unconscious partner.”
Last reviewed April 2016.
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