Women’s experiences of Domestic Violence and Abuse
Women’s coping strategies for domestic violence and abuse
Introduction
On average, women in the UK stay in an abusive relationship for 2.6 years before they leave (2015 figures from the UK charity Safe Lives). Both remaining in an abusive relationship and leaving it can bring risks of harm and benefits to the women themselves, their children, family members and friends (see ‘Why women couldn’t ‘just leave’’, ‘Leaving a violent or abusive partner’). Leaving can be a particularly dangerous time for women and children, as partners begin to lose some of the control they previously had and may retaliate. Similarly, staying can be dangerous as the risk of further abuse is likely to escalate as partners increasingly feel they can get away with it.
The women we interviewed talked about relationships that lasted between one and 33 years. They described the strategies they used to cope with everyday life and to keep themselves and their children as safe as possible, until they felt ready and able to leave. Although most women recognised that they were having difficulties in their relationship, the majority did not realise that they were experiencing domestic violence or abuse. Early in the relationship, women used a variety of strategies to justify or deal with their partner’s behaviour, such as ‘normalising’, ‘acceptance’, ‘denial’, 'keeping the peace’ or ‘blaming themselves’.
Having left her husband, Kate was only just beginning to realise how bad the abuse had been, as she had tried so hard to ‘normalise’ his behaviour and ‘fix’ their relationship.
Having left her husband, Kate was only just beginning to realise how bad the abuse had been, as she had tried so hard to ‘normalise’ his behaviour and ‘fix’ their relationship.
And how are you feeling now?
Still pretty traumatised, I think, by it all. Find it hard to believe it really happened, that it really was that bad. It took a long time for it to sink in that it was that bad. It was bad enough that a MARAC was held, a multiagency risk assessment, because he came out as high risk for future problems. And even so it still seemed because I’d normalised it, and normalised it, and normalised it and tried to make it go away and tried to make sense of it and tried to cope with it and tried to fix it for so long, I hadn’t realised how bad it has got, it had got. And now the realisation of how bad it was seems to just grow with time. It’s not subsiding. It’s like I’m only now, you know, I appreciate more and more and more how unhealthy and distorted and unpleasant and bullying and damaging it’s been to me, to the children. And I think we’re going to be going, getting over it for a long time to come. It’s just unbelievable the harm he’s caused. And he still, if he was sat here today, he would say it’s a load of rubbish and he didn’t do anything.During a family meal out, Tina ‘had a go’ back at her partner who was being verbally abusive, which led to him driving home dangerously with Tina in fear for her life.
During a family meal out, Tina ‘had a go’ back at her partner who was being verbally abusive, which led to him driving home dangerously with Tina in fear for her life.
So I went, I had a go back and he said, “Shut your mouth”, he said, “because you know” he said, “I can have you killed for five hundred grand”. And I thought, and he used to say to me “I’m driving mind” and I used to think is he going to try to kill me or something because we used to have fast cars and that.
Hm. Right.
And I used think God, he’s going to try to kill me sort of thing and it was late on the night and it was just me and him and I’d be, none of the kids were there and I thought oh I’ll just be nice to him and so I used to just be nice.
‘Normalising’ and ‘Acceptance’
‘Normalising’ was a way for women to believe that what was happening to them was a ‘normal’ part of life and relationships. Most women assumed, at least initially, that their relationship was ‘normal’. They wanted the relationship to work out and felt it was up to them to accept what was going on and make the best of it, hoping that things might change in the future. Women said they tried to keep things as ‘normal’ as possible for them, like Jane who also ran a business with her partner and wanted to make a success of it.
Jane was reluctant to recognise her partner’s behaviour as ‘abuse’ and decided to accept her situation rather than disrupt her own life and that of her children.
Jane was reluctant to recognise her partner’s behaviour as ‘abuse’ and decided to accept her situation rather than disrupt her own life and that of her children.
That’s a difficult one, because it starts off very slowly when you think, “This isn’t right. That isn’t right. Something else isn’t right,” but you don’t put it down necessarily to being abuse. You don’t recognise it as abuse. It’s, “He doesn’t treat me very nice, but it’s not abuse.” You know, because to actually, to actually say the word “abuse” and to actually recognise it is a very painful thing to do, to think that somebody that’s supposed to love you could abuse you. So, in a sense, it’s you rationalising things to yourself so that you kid yourself that it’s not, although you clearly know in your heart that it is, and it’s not right, you still rationalise it. So then you think, you know, “I can put up with this. This is obviously the way my life has to be for a while till the children get older or until our circumstances change that I could, you know, perhaps get out, move away or whatever.” The shop was supposed to do a lot, lot better than what it did, yeah, and it was supposed to be that we’d both have our own money being taken out of it, not that it was going to be put together in joint finances.
Right.
So, you know, it was it was sold as an idea that, you know, I’d work really hard and that from that work we would get you know, OK, well off and be able to afford to do things that we couldn’t do.
Yes.
Yeah, you know, and then we’d be able to have holidays and, you know just what everybody else wants, work hard and get, you know, some rewards of, of that hard work. But the, the rewards never ever came.Ella did not know what a normal guy and a normal relationship were like, until she contacted Women's Aid who 'opened her eyes' to the abuse she had suffered for years (played by an actor).
Ella did not know what a normal guy and a normal relationship were like, until she contacted Women's Aid who 'opened her eyes' to the abuse she had suffered for years (played by an actor).
Right.
So I feel that, had I got help from somebody sooner, I could have seen that this was wrong. Because when I got in touch with Women’s Aid and realised just how much I’d actually been through, that was such a shock to me. Because I didn’t know that there was financial abuse, I just thought that was normal, that you had to give your money and things like that because you were living with somebody. There were just so many things I opened my eyes to more that I just thought was normal.
Yeah, so throughout those three relationships you’ve told me about, you felt that what was going on was normal?
Yeah, apart from obviously, like I said, a few things that made me feel like this wasn’t right. But, but no, other than that, that was it.
So you didn’t think about abuse. Had you heard of domestic abuse at that time?
Yeah, but like I said to you, when I got in touch, when the lady said to me, “I think you need to speak to Women’s Aid,” I thought, “But I haven’t been beaten up.”
Right yeah.
“I’m not a battered woman. I’m not black, I’m not blue. Why would I need to go to Women’s Aid for?”
Right OK.
And then when I went there and actually started learning and listening to things, I thought, “I can’t believe I’ve been living all these years like this.”Melanie talked about experiences of sexual abuse that her partner convinced her were ‘normal’.
Melanie talked about experiences of sexual abuse that her partner convinced her were ‘normal’.
Oh.
Spit on me. And I thought that was normal. I thought, this is what normal, whatever nor, I keep doing this normal because I don’t know what normal sex life is. I thought this is what he wants, he wants to do this … urinating on me and things like that and I thought this was normal. So I allowed these people to break me down. So I was nothing. Nothing. Eventually. So whatever relationship came after that, it was very easy because I was nothing.
Some women tried to hide their partner’s abusive behaviour both from themselves and from the outside world, sometimes out of shame or an unwillingness to face the painful reality of their situation. Jane described how, early on in the relationship, she tried to rationalise her partner’s abusive behaviour by saying it was ‘just a one-off’ but then, over time, she began to believe her own denial.
When Jane’s partner began to hit her and put it down to stress, she convinced herself she was being ‘silly’ and ‘paranoid’ when she began to feel their relationship wasn’t ‘right’.
When Jane’s partner began to hit her and put it down to stress, she convinced herself she was being ‘silly’ and ‘paranoid’ when she began to feel their relationship wasn’t ‘right’.
Melanie presented a positive image of herself by ‘putting on a mask’ whilst in an abusive relationship, which may have confused professionals.
Melanie presented a positive image of herself by ‘putting on a mask’ whilst in an abusive relationship, which may have confused professionals.
Out, if you’re looking at outer appearance it’s hard to explain what going on internally and if I didn’t know how to explain that I don’t think I would be able to get any help.
So despite all the terrible things that you’ve described to me that happened, you always felt able to present in a positive way like you say, you look up - together?
Yeah. Yeah, that’s one thing my mum’s taught me. You, no matter what’s going on behind closed doors, you put your clothes on and you put that mask on and you walk with your head held high. And that’s what I’ve done for most of my life, even when I’m in turmoil internally. I walk with my head held high, even if I’m screaming in, inside. Yeah.
And has that strategy been a good one for you?
I think it’s kept me here. Somehow. It’s kept me here somehow because I know that there’s a fight inside, I know there’s a fight, that I do have this fight [fire alarm].
I’m hoping that’s just a test.
OK.
I think if it’s real it’ll go on.
OK.
So we’ll assume it’s just a test [laughs]
OK. But I think if I’d looked a certain way, I think they would have understood it a bit more.
They, being?
Professionals. If I’d came in to the doctor as, while I didn’t feel like combing my hair and I didn’t comb my hair and I didn’t want to change my clothes and I didn’t change my clothes, I think they would understand it. But because I would do these things. Even if I didn’t have a shower I would still present myself in a way that probably was a bit confusing to professionals.Tasha’s partner manipulated her to make it appear that he was being helpful, as he took increasing control of Tasha’s life and behaviour.
Tasha’s partner manipulated her to make it appear that he was being helpful, as he took increasing control of Tasha’s life and behaviour.
Yeah.
… I was basically, we were in our own little bubble and I thought that was how it should be.
And the, the emotional abuse that occurred throughout the relationship, are you able to give me any specific examples of things that he would do or say?
He would, he would make it feel as though everything was for me He would sort of manipulate me into making me feel as though he was, he was doing the right thing. I [sighs] it’s hard to explain I had no self-confidence at all I got my disability and I was actually made to be worse because he said, he would tell me that I couldn’t do it so he would take charge of things and stuff. He used to, you know, take the children to school in the mornings and tell me to stay in bed because I couldn’t get up In, yeah, I mean, at the time I didn’t, didn’t see it, I thought he was helping me. But he wasn’t, he was actually, you know, I, he’d made out that I couldn’t live without him.
Yeah.
Or had children, with children nobody would want me with children and you know, and a disability. So, yeah, I had to sort of rely on him.
‘Keeping the peace’
Living with abuse became a ‘way of life’ for the women we interviewed. They described the tactics they used to try and ‘keep the peace’, so that their partner would not get angry or blame them if things were not how he wanted them to be, which led to him becoming abusive. Jane explained:
‘It was always, wasn’t his fault .... so that was, but it becomes a way of life. You start to think like that and you start to think that he’s right in everything he’s saying, and it’s easier to change your habits to change the person that you are, rather than admit that this relationship isn’t what you expected, what you wanted, and how do you even begin to get out?’
Irina and her partner lived in an isolated house. She tried to play the abuse down, preferring to give him ‘chances’. Irina described how she tried to ‘appease’ her partner, anticipate his moods and ‘just tried not to upset him’ to prevent him getting angry. Several women said they agreed to sex when they didn’t really want to, as a way of appeasing their partner. Others agreed to wearing clothes they disliked but their partner insisted on, just to ‘keep the peace’.
Melanie tried to keep the peace by keeping to her partner’s ‘rules’ but as the rules were constantly changing, she became confused and felt she could 'never get things right’.
Melanie’s partner was very controlling and but his ‘rules’ were always changing and she didn’t know if she was ‘going or coming’.
Melanie’s partner was very controlling and but his ‘rules’ were always changing and she didn’t know if she was ‘going or coming’.
There was never a specific rule. It was changing all the time. If I cooked something that he loved today, next week he didn’t like it.
If I bought something in the shopping because we would go shopping, it wasn’t just me that’d go shopping, he would come with me. I’d buy it this week and then next week he wouldn’t like it. Or if he was going to the supermarket for example to buy maybe crisps for the kids and he knew the crisps that the kids liked because he’s in the house all the time, he would see the crisps. He would buy the total opposite. So the kids wouldn’t want to eat them then. He would buy things that would sit in the cupboards for ages what I’d never seen him eat before. So it was confusing. I was constantly confused because I didn’t know, I thought I knew this person but then they were changing before me constantly. So there was no rule. I think his rule was whatever he felt like on the day that would be his rule.
And what would happen if you tried to go against a rule?
His was more sulking, slamming things, not speaking to me for days on end. But then would get in bed and cuddle me, would get in bed and hold my wrist. It almost felt like he was keeping me captive because he would squeeze my wrists and hold me like that while I slept. If I got up out of the bed he would jump up out of the bed. So it was constantly, I didn’t know whether I was going or coming because like he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. If I’d constantly say to him, “What’s the matter, what, have I done something, what the matter?” “Oh nothing”. “But you haven’t spoke to me for days”. Charlotte described the ‘insidious drip, drip dripping’ of her partner’s control, which he was careful to balance with enough ‘niceness’ to keep everyone thinking he was alright (read by a professional).
Charlotte described the ‘insidious drip, drip dripping’ of her partner’s control, which he was careful to balance with enough ‘niceness’ to keep everyone thinking he was alright (read by a professional).
He was looking through our phones. He made me go through my Facebook account and he wanted to count how many pictures of him were on my Facebook page. And then we had to sit down and compare that with all of my friends, how many pictures of my friends’ husbands were on their Facebook pages compared with how many were on mine. Yeah, taking the girls’ phones. He smashed my eldest daughter’s. I can’t even remember what he said that she had done wrong. She hadn’t texted him, or something, to say when she was coming back. Something like that. I can’t remember. And he grabbed her by the neck, he had her by the kind of scruff of the neck in one hand and he had her phone in the other hand and he forced her head down while she had to watch him smash her phone against the banisters. And then he told her to go and get her laptop because he was going to break that too. and then when she brought that back up - and I was just standing by watching this awful thing happening, knowing if I tried to step in and do anything it would make it worse, so I just had to stand by and watch it – then she had to thank him for not smashing her laptop. And he said that he had, he had chosen not to do that, so she had to thank him for that. And there were just lots and lots of incidents like that. He just was going crazy.
Was it a daily kind of occurrence or?
No, no not daily. Always enough niceness to keep everyone thinking that he was alright and he was OK. So it was always a very careful balancing act between nice things and fun things and spontaneous things,
Right.
With the outbursts and the that kind of subtle insidious drip, drip, dripping of not being good enough
Women tended to blame themselves for their partner’s behaviour, often because their partner had manipulated them into believing the abuse was all their fault. Jessica for example, believed she must ‘work harder’ at her marriage to make it happier. This feeling was echoed by many other women who believed the best way to cope was to change their own behaviour so that their partner would treat them better. As Jacqui said you ‘try and become the person they want you to be’. Jane decided her own behaviour was to blame for her partner’s abuse.
Jane was manipulated by her partner to believe that she ‘deserved’ to be hit.
Jane was manipulated by her partner to believe that she ‘deserved’ to be hit.
Liz, a senior manager at work, believed she had caused her partner’s abuse because she was too directive and needed to be weaker and more subservient towards him.
Liz, a senior manager at work, believed she had caused her partner’s abuse because she was too directive and needed to be weaker and more subservient towards him.
Right.
And she said, I think she said something like, “Oh mummy, mummy,” you know. And but instead I called his parents, I don’t know why. I didn’t see that what they are, at that point. And yeah, and to my shame, I then went out and I looked for him, because he’d left the house.
And rather than, I wanted to apologise because I’d made him angry and called his parents.
Right.
And, you know, because I thought I deserved it.
Right.
And I’d pushed him.
Yeah.
Not that he pushed me first, not that what he’d done to me, hurting me, but I pushed him so I deserved what I got.
Yeah, yeah.
And I didn’t, couldn’t, couldn’t cope without him, couldn’t cope.
I sat next to a director of a bank, of one of the big High Street banks, and she told me about the abuse that she had suffered. And it was only because I shared first that she shared with me.
Right.
I think it’s certain personality types that are very often – you know, and it’s, it’s a said – it’s an unsaid thing that, in a way, domestic violence is something that’s done to weak people. I, when I walk into the workplace, I don’t think anybody would think I was weak. I can out-man most of them and their, but, in a relationship, people are different, in a personal relationship. And it’s, I think it’s where women are not policing boundaries. I think that’s where I went wrong. I should have set up in my mind what was acceptable in a relationship. And when those boundaries were breached, I should have realised that what was happening to me was not good and not acceptable and not my fault.
Right.
I just personalised it all and thought, “I can do better. I will clean more. I will do more. I will do all these things and everything will be fine if I’m a better person, if I’m a better wife, if I’m a better mother. If I can earn more and maybe then he could go more part-time, because maybe he’s not coping with his job. He’s got work stresses, that’s why he’s angry. He’s angry with his parents, he’s angry with his son, he’s angry with his general family. He hasn’t got the career that he should have.” Oh, the excuses that women make. And I think it’s a woman thing more than men.
Some women found temporary relief from their painful experiences of abuse through the use of alcohol and drugs.
Jane said she had needed a ‘crutch, just to get [her] through the day’ that led her to drink alcohol and take prescribed medication in excess.
Jane said she had needed a ‘crutch, just to get [her] through the day’ that led her to drink alcohol and take prescribed medication in excess.
Right.
It’s, it’s something that doesn’t go away. It’s now a lot, lot, lot better than what it was, because I was doing that all the time. But I still get that moment, I suppose it’s like a, a smoker having to give up cigarettes or an alcoholic having to give up alcohol, you still get those moments when you feel that you need that, that crutch, just to get you through the day.
Yeah, so that again was control. So, you know, we was out cutting the grass, was going to have a, roast dinner, the neighbour was out down the bottom and she offered me a glass of wine, had a glass of wine, then had another glass of wine. I offered to go and help to cut their grass, which he wasn’t very happy with, but I still did. And of course then whilst I was round there I helped myself to another glass and another glass, because it was freedom for those, those few, you know, minutes, it was actually that I, I had something that I could control rather than him control it. And I could have that alcohol because that would blot, you know, you know, blot out everything that was going on, would blot out his nagging and his getting upset and all this, that and the other because, you know, I didn’t care. At that point I was I was drunk. I didn’t care. So then later on of course this led to a massive argument. My daughter was born at the time, she was quite young, she was clinging onto me. Massive argument, I shut the door and he broke it down with his foot rather than use the key. He had a key in his hand, he could have opened the door but, no, he didn’t. He was so cross that he actually kicked the door and he kicked the front door in, you know. all the time saying, “I just want to talk to you, I just want to talk to you,” but at the same time I knew that he wanted to have a moan at me and a nag at me for what I’d done and, you know, to make me think that I was the bad person that, you know, just having a bit of fun or just having, you know, just having a few drinks was wrong.Kanya drank alcohol to deal with her feelings of hate towards her partner. It also helped her to sleep but eventually she decided it was better to get help and talk about her difficulties.
Kanya drank alcohol to deal with her feelings of hate towards her partner. It also helped her to sleep but eventually she decided it was better to get help and talk about her difficulties.
Yeah.
And then after I go for whole bottle. And then after even bottle it didn’t really do anything. And then they said to me like, “Don’t use the alcohol otherwise you will come to addicted.” And then, yeah, I’ve been to talk with people and then I just like, “OK.” And I have to, I think it’s all, everything, you have to remind yourself and try to work out by yourself is the best way. But it’s not easy for anyone, you know, when you’re stuck in that. For me, I lost everything. I lost every moment, every situation I feel lost about everything. I don’t know what I’m doing, what my life’s about, what I’m going to do. And after I’ve been through everything, because I am so ill and then I go back home, I talk with lots of, you know, my family and everything, and after that I just feel like I’ve got my kids, so it doesn’t matter what happened, just I have to be there for my kids. And I start to feel strong because of, thinking like alcohol is not going to help. Whatever you’re doing, things like that is make things worse. It’s not going to make thing work. So I start to thinking like be more sensible to do things and then get some help, talk more with people whoever can.
On the recommendation of the police or a solicitor, several women began to monitor and record their partner’s behaviour, by keeping a secret diary.
On the advice of a solicitor, Philippa kept a diary, to record what was happening at home and build up evidence for a prosecution.
On the advice of a solicitor, Philippa kept a diary, to record what was happening at home and build up evidence for a prosecution.
So when it was on, all ongoing, keeping a record of that.
Yes, yeah.
Was that ... was it that you kept a record because it kind of ... the reason at the time was it, kind of did you have a thought that you know it may be useful in the future to have that record?
A solicitor had recommended it to me. I phoned a solicitor for advice once, and I said I'm in this situation, I am going back because I've got two children ...
Yeah.
... but what can you suggest and she suggested I keep a record, a diary as much as I could, you know what happens, what's said, what time etc. So it wasn’t a diary as in a book it was scraps of paper which I hid...
Yeah.
... and then when I left I took them with me and I gave them to the solicitor. Tina described gathering evidence for the police but she was ‘terrified’ of the repercussions of her partner finding out.
Tina described gathering evidence for the police but she was ‘terrified’ of the repercussions of her partner finding out.
When he finds out?
About the police and that lot and when they go to arrest him that’s it he’s going to go crazy.
So he’s going to be arrested?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re going to arrest him. Yeah, they’ve hoping to take him to court over it. Yeah. So because he’s what is it they’re saying it is, it’s sexual, oh god, sexual assault. Even though I was with him he’s still making me have sex with him for money.
Right.
And because he didn’t seem to realise I used to write it in my diary when he used to come and how much he used to give me.
Ahhh.
See I wasn’t stupid I wrote everything in the diary…
Yeah, yeah.
…how much he used to give me to get food and how much…
Yeah.
…and then when he stopped and he wanted sex and that.
Yeah.
I could even tell you what he used to wear everything. I d’ye know what I mean.
Right, yeah.
Yeah, I was very quick.
Yeah.
And there’s no way he could do me over.
Women had to be very careful getting help, especially if they were planning to leave, as they knew their partner’s abusive behaviour would get worse if he found out. Charlotte secretly went to her doctor who prescribed anti-depressants and referred her for counselling. These treatments helped her to realise that she couldn’t put up with the abuse any longer.
Charlotte secretly got treatment and counselling for depression and her eyes started ‘to become open to actually what he [her partner] was doing’ (read by a professional).
Charlotte secretly got treatment and counselling for depression and her eyes started ‘to become open to actually what he [her partner] was doing’ (read by a professional).
Right OK, yeah, the suggestive message.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So by the, by the time he had read that message I had already been on the antidepressants, I’d already had all the counselling and my eyes were starting to become open to actually what he was doing. I was starting to witness it from a different perspective and see it for what it was. So I think that’s what then enabled me to say, “It’s inevitable that we’re going to get divorced.” Because I think I finally realised then, “I can’t put up with this anymore. I don’t want my children growing up with this anymore. I don’t want to live with this anymore.” And I think the antidepressants and the counselling together kind of enabled me to do that. You know, I was the antidepressants suppressed the craziness in my brain enough to give me a sense of perspective, and the questions from the counsellor as well started kind of making me realise what was actually going on. Chloe was only able to leave her dangerous, threatening partner with the help of friends in a therapy training group (played by an actor).
Chloe was only able to leave her dangerous, threatening partner with the help of friends in a therapy training group (played by an actor).
So she was someone you’d seen through that?
She was in the group, the group I was learning with. He hated me going to that. He wanted to, you know, as soon as I went he was like, “Hmm [deep breath] no, she has other people in her life for support. She might talk to them or…”
Was this like a weekly training or something like that?
Once a month.
Right hmm.
So of course these, these people saw me in the group and they took one look and went [facial expression of shock].
Right yeah.
Because of the physical change and the state I was in, walking around like a zombie basically.
And did anyone say anything to you?
They did, they tried to, very gently, you know. They tried to help as well when I opened up with little things. But they were being very, very cautious because obviously they could see a much bigger scale than what I could at that point. So together they were already waiting to jump in, which I didn’t even know [laughs]. So landing up on this lady’s doorstep, as soon as she opened the door she was like [whispers], “Oh finally.”
Last reviewed February 2020.
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