Pregnancy

And then they set a date for induction, and I hadn't wanted to be induced, but actually I was quite relieved to know when everything was going to happen, and I guess they wanted to know all the relevant people were going to be around. And I was quite frightened, but actually it was all managed really beautifully. I was looked after really well. Because they all knew what was probably going to happen, so they looked after me, and they let as many people as I want sit with me while I was in my first stage of labour. 

So who came with you?

My partner came with me, because we'd sort of got back together a month before the baby was born, and I knew what would probably happen, anyway. My Mum came with me, my sister flew over from America. Because she, she'd done her own research and she knew Oscar would probably die, and she didn't want to miss meeting him. 

So I was given an epidural right from the start.

Was that their suggestion?

Mine.

Yours, you wanted it?

Well, I'm glad I had it though, because it makes everything much calmer and I didn't feel anything at all. I mean, I can't even remember much of everything, I think I had so much of it, by the time Oscar was born. It all happened exactly as I imagined it, the way he was delivered, and then I wouldn't be able to hold him, and he would go to a resuscitation table, and they, the people in the room - but this is things that women had told me that I'd spoken to who'd gone through it as well. They'd told me what would happen. Nobody told me at the hospital - I don't know - because I didn't ask, they didn't want to venture the information.

His heart stop-, I remember her telling us when his heart stopped beating, and he was still in his little crib then. And I just wanted to pick him up. I said, “Get all this stuff out of him, I just want to hold him.”

But even then I wasn't quite, I didn't quite feel like - you know when you haven't had a baby and you hold someone else's baby and you think, "Oh, aren't they lovely?” And, but then you have to give them back. It felt like I didn't have ownership of him, he wasn't mine.

I suppose I hadn't let myself, I'd trained myself that that was going to happen, that I was going to have to give him away. I'd thought about it so much, it all happened as I expected. And then they put us in a little room while they made this other room upstairs ready. 

And they must have a special nurse who takes care of all this kind of thing, because we had this lovely Irish nurse that looked after us all, you know. We were all given copious cups of tea and, he, I was allowed to hold Oscar and take him in this room, and everyone had a hug with him, everyone nursed him, my brother had brought his harmonica with him and played some tunes, and we had some children's books and we read him a story. And my partner was in such a state he just ran out of the hospital and disappeared for a while, and we found him in the pub, in a state, with all the polaroids scattered round him.

And we were waiting for him to come back so we could give Oscar a bath, and change his clothes and stuff. And initially they given us some clothes to put on him and they weren't, they weren't very nice, hospital clothes, and I'd got some of my own to put him in. So I don't know how long it was before we went upstairs to another room.

So we had our own room with a bed and bathroom and TV and everything. And we had, I spent the night with Oscar and the next day, and I kept saying, they kept saying to me, “Yes, you can keep him as long as you want.” Where really they wanted to take him by the mid-afternoon. And I kept saying, “Do I have to give him up yet?” And they said, “No.” But it was, it was nice, because I've got something to, to remember. If they'd have not let me see him and taken him away I'd have nothing to remember. Because I remember that twenty-four hours very fondly.

And then I remember, I said to the diagnosis counsellor, “I really feel like I'm falling apart.” I wasn't eating, I wasn't sleeping, I just felt absolutely crazy, and she referred me to the psychiatrist, who does have a special interest in baby loss. And she said, “We don't normally prescribe antidepressants to people when they're grieving.” But she said, “Given your past history with depression, I think it'd be a good idea for you to have some, so you don't go into a depression.” So she gave me some new antidepressants on the market, and they worked for about eight weeks and then they didn't work any more because they're not strong enough. So I've doubled the dose two weeks ago and they worked within about three days. So I am feeling really good at the moment.

I also draw on anything I can think of, so I have a homeopath, and I went into hospital with all my homeopathic remedies for grief, in preparation for it all. And also that's helped with the physical recovery as well, because what I found really disturbing was the pain and muscular discomfort you get after you've had a baby, you know, when everything is just really setting itself back to normal. It just reminded me of the baby. So I remember I walked into the doctor's surgery one day and I said, “I need to see a doctor.” And I started crying and she said, “Okay, we'll get you seeing someone now.” And I saw someone I'd never seen before, and he was lovely. He gave me some strong painkillers, just to help me forget for a while, and they referred me to some, for some physiotherapy as well to get me strong. They referred me, gave me whatever I wanted, really.

But, and I, I'm really into alternative therapies as well, so whatever I think will help me I'll do it. And I, I'm really into getting fit, and I think that's one of things that's helped me get better, is forcing myself to get fit again. Just to get out of the house and go to the gym and get some endorphins going. And I, I did a sponsored run on Sunday so I'm, my fitness levels are back again, but I think [pause] if I would advise other people if they could do that, to do something like that, because it really helps just to focus on something like that.