Eating disorders (young people)

 

Yeah.

 

 

It was quite good actually, because I hadn’t seen anyone from school for a really long time, so I think going in would have been a bit overwhelming, like queuing up to go into the big hall, and finding my seat and, because I was, I had special consideration because I wasn’t well obviously so, I was allowed extra time with my exams. 

 

I think that would have been stressful having that in school, because I didn’t want people asking questions about why I had extra time when I wasn’t dyslexic or anything, 

 

So it was nice to sort of have a bit of a quiet space and like, and I think, practically all of my exams bar one or two, a teacher from my school actually came and sat in the room with me, so sort of invigilate it. So it felt nice having them there because I knew that they wanted me to do well, and they were there to sort of keep me at ease. So that was nice having like a little room to myself to get on with my exam and not have to worry.

 

 

I could just pretend to myself it was a practice paper also, it didn’t feel as real because it wasn’t in the big hall and there wasn’t all the stern looking exam people peering over your shoulder to make sure you’re not copying so, that was better.

 

I remember I was really nervous before they put it down so the first time round, so they gave me a sedative but they gave me too much because [laughs] yeah, they cos obviously they don't really know cos of my average height and my weight is kind of confusing when your average height doesn’t match your weight, so I can't remember the first time. I remember it being a blurred vision and them putting it down but you have to, it goes through your nose and then you have to swallow, so they can get it down into your stomach and it's got a little hole at the bottom. It's connected like a drip so the food is a protein drink that's just fed straight through there and they can also feed medication and vitamins and all that through the tube instead of you swallowing it.

 

It's really awkward at the back of your throat because it is, if you open your mouth, you can see the orange tube going down. So it is really awkward and it's, really aggravating on your nose cos it's like stapled to your nose and things and, not stapled but like stuck to your nose. And taking it out is never nice at all, I always ask to take my own out so I can do it in my own time. 

 

Because it can, it can get stuck on your, [laughs], it's disgusting but it can, because it's got a hole in the bottom and because it kind of moves around, you can feel it as it kind of comes out and it's, it makes you feel nauseous and it can really sting especially around your nose when you're taking it out. Then when they're putting, it back in, it's lubricated and things and it's kind of, its fine because also I always was sedated slightly.

 

But yeah I always, always took it out, the going in was the easiest part I think of the whole thing.

 

And how long would you have it for at one go?

 

I think it was changed probably once, was it once every two days, or once, yeah probably about once every couple of days it was changed. But I had a lot of complications cos it always get, got clogged up. So nothing was going through or I'd end up feeling nauseous because they’d not put it in properly and it was sitting at the top of my stomach so that was a bit awkward at times.

 

For me, in a sense, sometimes the NG feeding can be a bit of a relief, because you do not have to eat the food yourself.

 

One of the times I was on the feeds, I was allowed into the dining room to eat as much as I possibly could, and then whatever I didn’t manage got put down the tube as a supplement. Whereas the last time I was in I was given the chance to eat, but I just couldn’t do it so I’d be sitting at the dining room, in the dining table with nurses and therapists beside me trying to make me eat and I could not do it and I felt so bad, it was like, “I’m so sorry but I can’t do it,” you know, apologising for it, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it, no matter what they threatened me with, or said, “Look this is going to happen if you don’t eat this.” So the way it worked then was if you didn’t manage your meal, you got taken into another room, and you got given the meal in supplement form, and you had to sit there until you drank it. I still couldn’t drink it. So I was basically in there from breakfast until half past ten at night when they would let me go to bed, just sitting doing nothing and then when I could, wasn’t managing that and it was building up and building up, they says, “Right, you’re going to have to go on the tube feeds.”

 

And that time I wasn’t allowed into the dining room. I wasn’t allowed to eat anything, all my intake was through the tube and I had to be on that until my BMI got up to a certain level, and then they would let me back into the dining room. But it was a relief in a sense because I didn’t have to do it, but the same time it was very, very scary because I didn’t have control over what was going in to me. I knew that I was getting more down the tube than I would be if I was eating the food, which was difficult to deal with, and you were very isolated because you weren’t in the dining room with all your peers, so you felt very left out from the rest of the hospital and almost like a bit of an outsider because it was like, they were all trying and they were all eating, whereas it might have looked as if you weren’t even trying. Which wasn’t the point because you did, I did try so hard but I just couldn’t manage it. But it worked as a bit of an incentive as well because, it’s, strange as it sounds, I wanted to be back in the dining room. I wanted to be eating the food, I wanted to do it the proper way so it worked as a bit of an incentive to get back into the dining room and as scary as it was going back in, I knew that I could do it then, I knew right, the only way I’m going to get home, I can’t go home on a tube, you know, so that, there was that added incentive as well in that I need to eat the food because you can’t be on supplement drinks for the rest of your life, and you’re not going to get home while you’re still taking supplement drinks so. So it was pretty hard going, I mean it was a lot of fluid that was going into you, so I spent most of my time bent double because my stomach was so full and everything, it wasn’t easy. But it got me out of a rut; you know it was necessary to get me started.

 

By that point, I was eating everything on my meal plan and so I thought, “Okay. I’m pretty much better now.” You know, I realised I was still a bit underweight but I could eat again. I sort of thought I realised that I’d been quite silly and that, you know, it was, I I’d sort of seen the light and now I could eat again it was all gonna be fine. And also I was very anxious about school. And I was really worried about getting behind and so I, all these things together, I thought, “Well, I’ll, you know, if I can get out, I can just focus on my work. I can, know how to eat again now so I’ll be fine.” And I was also yeah, I just felt a bit I needed to get out, just, I mean I wasn’t even in there that long but I just, being around people with eating disorders all day every day, it was just too much.

 

I needed to get out. And, you know, with all my friends coming in and telling me about all the fun things they’d been doing. And because I’d put on some weight and I was eating again, my mood was improving. I wasn’t feeling so hopeless about life. I was feeling ready but I probably, wasn’t actually, but, you know, I wasn’t actually, ready but I thought I was. So yeah, I decided I needed I wanted to leave. Which wasn’t received too well. Only because I’d been so unwell and, thing with me, I hadn’t been ill for that long but I’d sort of gone down very quickly and that’s what the worry was that once I’d get it in my mind and ‘cos I’m so driven, I can just, you know, plummet.

 

And they thought, you know, “She’s only just really started eating everything on the meal plan.” And usually, people are in there for a significant long, you know, a significant amount of time just kind of consolidating it and working on the psychological side, which, at that point, I was still like, “Whatever.” I was, you know.

 

I was still very much about it was all about eating and kind of I didn’t really have a great understanding of what had gone wrong, I don’t think. So yeah, I was adamant that I was gonna leave and my, yeah, my sort of therapist and staff there, my parents didn’t think it was a good idea. But I can remember having a CPA meeting, so a sort of care plan meeting, and voicing my desire to leave. And, you know, it was a very long meeting and they decided that if I was adamant I was gonna do it, would give it a try but I’d have to come in, I think initially, I would have to come in every other day to be weighed and to see how it was going and if, like as soon as my weight dropped I would be back in and they kept my bed for quite a long time, well, not that long. You know, a sort of couple of weeks, which in in terms of hospitals that’s quite a long time for NHS, so that was really good of them because they didn’t think it was gonna work but because I wasn’t sectioned and I was so adamant that. I was gonna go they thought, “Okay. Give her a chance.”

 

My mum, my dad was away on business and my mum really didn’t want me to but I did and I so I did. I left. I can remember coming out of that meeting and telling some of the friends I’d made that I was leaving and they were, you know, their faces just dropped. They, “What are they, you know.” They couldn’t believe that I was allowed to leave. They thought it was ridiculous. Just because they, you know, all these people had had several episodes of severe anorexia and they know how it goes, you know, they, people get a bit better and it’s just like revolving door cases. They just come in go out, come in go out. So yeah, so I left.