Actually I was on duty when I got that result. I went to see the consultant by myself, got the results by myself and came back on duty because I didn't feel I wanted to talk to anybody at that time, I felt I wanted to deal with it the best way I could because I feel that sometimes when you talk to people, I think the word ‘cancer’ sets everybody thinking you're going to die anyway, you're not going to have very long. And I think your emotions run riot anyway because 1) you're waiting for some results, 2), you're not sure when you have the surgery what they're going to find, so that brings anxiety in itself much less to having people coming up to you, depending on how many people you tell, touching or hugging or you know.
I couldn't cope with that to be quite honest. As a matter of fact, I went into this mode of just dealing with everything by myself and not talking to anybody about it. Apart from a couple of people like my carers or my boss for instance. But, apart from that, I didn't feel
that I wanted to talk to anybody.
…To be quite honest, I didn't find it stressful. I just found I was very quiet. I dealt with everything inwardly, I didn't discuss it. My GP asked me whether I had some counselling and I said, “No” because I didn't, 1) have the time for the counselling; 2), I was too busy at work, because in my job I have a lot of patients with brain tumours and they're waiting for results. I was able to put myself into their shoes, to understand the waiting game we all played in, for results. And so I was a comfort to them in a lot of ways and it helped me to understand what they were going through. And so I didn't really have much time to sit around and cry. I think I cried, the day I was told I was very emotional. I was emotional the day of the, I think the first day of my radiotherapy. After that I was more tired more than anything else.
And by not telling people, I kept very much to myself so it was, I don't know if that makes any sense. But I didn't go into a wail of crying all the time. I think my boss said they were in awe of the way I coped with it. But I coped with it the only best way I knew how, is because I worked all the time. And I find that was very helpful to me by not talking to other people about it, you know.
…It was good to be at work. It was my coping, people were horrified. They used to say, “Why are you at work? You're silly. If anything happens to you, they're not going to thank you for it.” But little did they know it was the way I coped with it. You know, because when I leave here and go home it was there anyway waiting for me, because the minute I open my door, put my bag down, it was all there. So why should I have it all day, all night. You know, twenty-four, no, so I don't, when I was working it wasn't there and then when I got in, it was only there for an hour because I was too tired to think of it and I'd gone to sleep anyway. And that helped.