Depression
Relationships with friends and family when you have depression
People who are depressed can find it difficult to feel close to anyone, and can even believe that their friends do not like them. They can also feel a burden to their friends and family, making it harder to ask for - and accept - help.
As discussed in the summary 'Childhood and life before depression', many people had difficult relationships with parents and siblings. These included that their families couldn't cope with mental health problems, lack of acknowledgement of feelings in families, homophobia, and poor communication. These problems made it hard to get the support people wanted from their families. It could be particularly difficult for people whose parents also had mental health problems, although some such parents were an inspiration.
Therapy could help people to cope with their families, and people also looked for support outside families, particularly from friends. One woman had family therapy, which helped the family to communicate better, and also helped her to think about her family differently. Despite problems in families people without any family connections can also suffer.
Family therapy helped her family to communicate better, as well helping her to accept that she...
Family therapy helped her family to communicate better, as well helping her to accept that she...
And did going to family therapy change the family dynamics in any way?
I think so. Not, you know, it doesn't, he, it doesn't solve everything but I think it made us all a lot braver and to kind of remove this, this fa'ade. And also I found it very difficult to accept that I loved these, I loved people very much and we were very close, and we are fairly close but that I didn't actually like them. This, this was the, in many ways and there's ways that I do, but I find that very difficult inside and now I can, I, whatever you realise a lot of people have their... and you just accept but, oh my God, the guilt and all of that. But I think it did help us communicate, yeah, a bit more, yeah.
Christmas time brings the absence of family into sharper focus for him; he feels he has somehow...
Christmas time brings the absence of family into sharper focus for him; he feels he has somehow...
Some friends did not understand depression and the possible feelings and thoughts involved, and so could not give much support. Some people even provided unhelpful advice e.g. “just pull yourself together”, “Christians shouldn't get depressed”. The experience of depression and mania helped many people to work out who their real friends were, although it can be difficult to know whom to trust when depressed or manic.
It is sometimes hard to know who your real friends are, but they are probably those who show...
It is sometimes hard to know who your real friends are, but they are probably those who show...
Nevertheless, many stories describe how particular neighbours, friends, family members or colleagues could understand and be supportive. People sometimes got support from unlikely people. Friends who had had depression themselves were particularly helpful because they had first-hand understanding. Being able to talk about depression with supportive friends could be a great relief. There are some particularly tough issues like suicidal thinking that people benefited from talking to friends about. Interestingly, those who went to University (particularly the elite Universities) reported that they knew many depressed students, many of whom understood what they were going through.
Has met a woman friend with depression whom she can trust and talk to about personal issues.
Has met a woman friend with depression whom she can trust and talk to about personal issues.
And we got on to talking about my Dad. And I, now, the way I feel now I, I've said to her that, I mean, this is all I've said to her but I feel I could if I wanted to, talk to her about it. The way I feel about my father at the moment I wish I hadn't bothered, you know. I realised then I'd said something. And she said to me when you are ready, you'll tell me. She didn't push me. So therefore I feel, she's not nosey, she doesn't want to know out of curiosity else, she would have, you know, kept on picking. So I feel I could talk to her. Again it would be another piece of support.
While some people had good social networks of support, others were more isolated. Social situations could be threatening and several said it was hard to make friends when depressed, even though they knew that a better social life would be good for them. More isolated people could improve their networks by joining support groups or special interest groups and getting involved in voluntary activities outside the home.
Family and friends may not know what to do because depression can mean that people would rather isolate themselves from others than communicate. People said that friends and family could help by doing simple things. For instance, being around without necessarily saying anything, helping with practical problems; encouraging rather than persuading, listening without trying to provide solutions; watching out for signs that a person is becoming depressed or manic; and helping the person to engage in a distracting activity.
Although talking and listening was too tiring when depressed, having her friend there and doing...
Although talking and listening was too tiring when depressed, having her friend there and doing...
Yes, we needed to balance it because I would still get very tired, and so I didn't want somebody who was there, talking all the time, because I found talking and listening tiring, and we, we might just go for a walk, and say very little really.... But just having their presence there. I don't, I don't know. I think I was frightened that I would go mad in some way, and loose control completely. That never happened, even when I was in hospital, that never happened. I was overly controlling really, but I just felt that if anything like that happened I'd got somebody there with me, and I was safe and [son's name] was safe. So as I say, I just remember someone sitting in the kitchen with me while I just tidied round and did the ironing. Somehow it just helped give me a little more motivation. We talked about very little. She just shared her day with me. It was very mundane, and then we just had a coffee. We didn't talk about a lot, we didn't say a lot, we just... having her there I just felt safe in some way.
So it was her presence more than conversation?
Yes, yes. As I was saying I did get very tired very quickly and I did have a friend that talked a lot, and I cut back from seeing her because it was just too wearing.
Her friends are supportive and watch out for mania, including over spending, and so will ask...
Her friends are supportive and watch out for mania, including over spending, and so will ask...
For instance before Christmas I was hiring a car for the Christmas period and I'd made quite a few train journeys just before that. And I had no credit left on my credit card and I rang a friend to say, 'Could I put this on your credit card and I'll give you cash next week?' and he said, 'Yeah sure okay', and gave me all the details and afterwards he just said to me, 'Can I just ask why you haven't got any money on your credit card?' and I explained and he said, 'Oh yeah, okay fine, I just wanted to check'. And I said oh thank you and thanks for doing it like that, rather then sort of coming out with, 'What do you mean you can't afford it, you haven't got any money on your credit card', but just to say, 'Why haven't you got any money, lets just check you haven't suddenly gone manic and overspent'. And I could actually explain well I, you know, I went to Newcastle to this friend's funeral, I went to this recently and that and I hadn't had my expenses back from this, and he was, 'Oh okay yeah of course I can lend you it'.
Feels that friends need to treat depressed friends as having a serious illness, find out what...
Feels that friends need to treat depressed friends as having a serious illness, find out what...
To treat, to treat the friend as if, who's depressed, as if they had a very serious illness, and to ask them.... maybe even to ask them what they'd like them to do, maybe even do something very simple like inviting them out and taking them for a meal or a coffee or a walk. The friends that did that for me I shall always be grateful to, even though I was very conscious that I was no company. You know, any friends that can do that are worth their weight in gold.
Sometimes supporting someone with depression can be tricky - as one woman said, her friends needed to be “switched on” to deal with her changing needs. Some friends and family act as advocates (i.e. doing something to help a person get something they need or want), such as helping the person to visit and communicate with their health professionals (for more information see Mind's guide to advocacy). One woman who told a friend that she had attempted suicide was immediately accompanied to her GP for help.
Her supportive friends could deal with her changing needs, as well as give practical help such as...
Her supportive friends could deal with her changing needs, as well as give practical help such as...
She told her friend about a suicide attempt, and her friend took her straight to her GP for help.
She told her friend about a suicide attempt, and her friend took her straight to her GP for help.
And the next day, as I say I had was meeting this friend, and we went for a swim and I admitted, you know, what I'd done the night before and how easy it would have been just to let go. And, she said, "Oh, you know, I think the time has come, you must go and talk to your GP, you must do something about this." And she actually made me get out of the swimming pool, she made me get dressed and she rang the surgery and made an appointment. And thankfully, you know, I was able to get an appointment that same afternoon, and she waited with me. And actually accompanied me to the surgery. She didn't go in with me.
Those with a partner, wife, husband or children often worried about the effects of depression on them. Despite the difficulties for all, most praised their partners for the level of emotional and practical support they gave. Nevertheless, the effects of depression on carers was a particular concern for some. People worried especially about the impact of their depression on their children, and found the issue difficult to approach with their children.
His wife helped a lot by looking after the children and household duties, but he regrets the...
His wife helped a lot by looking after the children and household duties, but he regrets the...
So she also had to take on the role of a sort of go-between the children and me. She did sort of protect them, if that's the right word, from the worst part of it. I would do'. Oh you know, the garden and things around the house, and all that sort if thing, which was my job to do in a way, as well as the work. But I found it difficult to relate on the day-to-day things, which is where she was so good. She took over those things, and that was very helpful. But I' I feel that we missed a lot because of it. My sons were very good, but they missed a lot because of how I was. And they would have to make allowances, which isn't really what you should have to do when you're growing up. So she stepped in there and took the edge of it.
Her husband missed out on the support she got. Having a break and getting counselling through...
Her husband missed out on the support she got. Having a break and getting counselling through...
No, I feel that [husband's name] felt that there was the focus on me, so I'd got the psychiatrist and the hospital, and as I'll say later on I did have friends too, and my family. But he felt very isolated and cut off, and he'd found it very hard going to work, juggling [son's name]'s care, and being worried about me. And also because I'd been through it before with the postnatal depression. He just felt that he couldn't go through it again, and he didn't have anyone to talk to, so in the end he did go and see a GP because he was concerned that he was going to get depressed as well. And he did pay for some private counselling sessions. And then after six months I came back... yes after six months I came back to live here, and he came back. And we also had some joint sessions, through Relate, to help us deal with the depression together, and the fall out as well on our relationship.
What were Relate like?
They were excellent.
How - in what way were they helpful to you?
They gave us both a chance to talk properly to one another about our experience of the depression. I think before we'd kind of tiptoed round one another really. We were just so scared of it, it just seemed like such a big thing. And I'd also felt very abandoned by him, and very let down, because he's left. But I was able to see through the sessions that... the pressure that he'd been under, and why he'd found it so difficult. And so we were able to talk through those very difficult emotions and feelings, and thoughts, in a safe environment.
How many sessions did it take to work through that?
We must have gone along for about six, and then we had a long break, and went back and had two more. But by then I think we felt that we were communicating that much better, that we didn't need a third person there anymore.
She is unsure how to tell her children about her depression, but may discuss it when they are...
She is unsure how to tell her children about her depression, but may discuss it when they are...
Isn't that strange, no. I don't tell them that I am taking antidepressants. I never have told them that I was diagnosed with depression. Actually never really thought about it. Occasionally they have asked me, you know, what are those tablets for when they see me taking my tablet every morning. But because I also take HRT because it, this period coincided or came shortly after I'd surgically induced menopause, I have always just said it is part of my treatment for replacing my hormones and that I've not sort of distinguished one tablet from the other. I just take the two each morning.
So no, I don't know what other people do. Do they share it? Maybe when they are slightly older and I mean my oldest is now a medical student, so I daresay it will not be that much longer before he actually knows what fluoxetine is. And I am sure the other have possibly heard of Prozac because of sometimes the bad media cover that you get of it. But I don't think that they relate that to the medication that I take because it is not called Prozac on the box. It's just called fluoxetine. So I am not sure.
Last reviewed September 2017.
Last updated April 2015.
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