Interview 36
More about me...
When he was suicidal, he looked at everything in terms of suicide, and he felt angry he was not allowed to die, but he has never been that low again. (Played by an actor)
When he was suicidal, he looked at everything in terms of suicide, and he felt angry he was not allowed to die, but he has never been that low again. (Played by an actor)
I remember during those 3 weeks everything that you seemed to look at was a way, you know, you looked at it from a suicide aspect, when you went over a bridge and you thought, that might be an idea, or a knife in the kitchen, yes, that would be a good one. All horrible sort of thoughts, looking back.
And then I got the... I was sort of like a zombie at that point, probably from medication partly, also because I was I felt I'd let everybody down' But yeah, during those 3 weeks at first I was sort of very uncommunicative and very obviously, people say my eyes just looked totally dead. And then, I was being quite closely sort of protected during that stage'. Yeah, and at times I've resented the fact that I wasn't allowed to die, as I had made it very clear in my intentions that I didn't want to be kept alive. But, as I say, that's in, you know, some of the lowest points, which I've never got to again. Although I have, you know, been depressed.
He had trouble expressing how he felt and he and others tended to explain his depression in other ways e.g. tiredness. (Played by an actor)
He had trouble expressing how he felt and he and others tended to explain his depression in other ways e.g. tiredness. (Played by an actor)
I suppose sort of from returning from the holiday, although I'd felt sort of tired and run-down. It was always a... always a tendency, certainly initially, for people to put it as something else, you know, rather than accepting, you know, you were diagnosed as a depression.
You think, oh, I'm run-down, it's physical. And I think, you know, in some ways I still do that now. But I had felt quite sort of locked in and difficult too expressing very well. And I know I wouldn't.... I went through a phase when I didn't speak very much at all. But the psychiatrist came out and he put me on Amitriptyline.
Choose your counsellor/therapist carefully - you need to be able to trust them so you can be honest. (Played by an actor)
Choose your counsellor/therapist carefully - you need to be able to trust them so you can be honest. (Played by an actor)
Make sure you are happy with your counsellor if you are going private and paying for it. Because if you can't be totally honest, it is a waste of money. It is like the way that certain people will get on and others won't, it is the same. If you come away from any appointment feeling like you haven't been honest then I think there are problems with that. The first time I saw a psychiatrist, I wasn't honest. If I had been honest, perhaps I would not have got so desperate.