Helena - Interview 04

Age at interview: 19

Brief Outline:

Helena is 19. She's experienced severe anxiety and depression caused by her abusive dad and disruptive home life. Helena received very little support from school and did most of the work for her GCSEs from home. Since, Helena has gotten help from counselling and she enjoys films, reading books and socialising on the internet.

Background:

See 'Brief outline'

More about me...

Helena is 19 and has experienced anxiety and depression from a young age. Helena used to be a very shy child and didn’t have many friends. She was badly bullied in school but also by other kids on her street and put down at home by her dad. As she got older, Helena’s shyness got worse and took a knock on her self confidence.

 

Helena and her mum have suffered years of abuse by her father which worsened when he got ill. This made her home life very hard and Helena says she found it difficult to face going to school. She started missing out school and by the time of her GCSEs she wasn’t going to school at all. By this time, Helena had also developed agoraphobia and, for long periods of time, couldn’t leave her house. Helena was offered no support from school; no counselling except for an out-of-school counsellor she was “forced” to see to explain why she was missing so much of school. A school welfare officer would also regularly come to Helena’s house if she wasn’t going to school and try and force her to go. All these experiences made Helena “frightened of the real world”. However, through studying hard and doing her course work at home, Helena got five GCSEs which she’s extremely proud of!

 

The anxiety Helena experienced stopped her from going out because she felt people were staring at her. It also made her feel panic and fear and like she wanted to run away. She also had physical symptoms of stomach pains, sickness and problems sleeping.

 

After Helena left school she went to counselling which has helped her a great deal and “given her hope”. She says, “Getting help for my problems was probably the best thing I’ve ever done”. Her mum has also always been an unfailing support for her over the years and helped her with practical things when Helena was too scared to leave the house on her own.

 

Helena’s confidence is slowly building up, she’s gained confidence to do short college courses and to make new friends. She’s found a passion in film and writing and is doing a Postgraduate course in Screenwriting at university. She says teachers need to be educated about young people’s mental health and how to help young people constructively and sensitively early on, before their problems get too far down the line.

Helena grew up with an abusive dad.

I was around fourteen when things started getting bad at home and school My dad got ill and became abusive to me and my mum (he’d been quite bad before but with his illness this worsened) and would constantly put us down and even at one time was violent. With everything at home my anxiety escalated and I found it increasingly difficult to face going to school. I was also at this point been bullied quite badly.

 

Through years 8 and 9 I started missing a lot of school. This prompted threatening letters from heads of year and visits from the education welfare officer. My dad was getting worse in his abuse and arguments between my parents happened daily.

 

My dad still lives with us even though my mum and dad don’t get on, as I said, complicated. My dad is ill, and as a result has taken all his bitterness about that out on me and my mum. I can’t stand my dad because of the things he’s done to me in the past. He puts me and my mum down and is very insulting. He’s just a very unpleasant character to live with. I ignore him most of the time but my mum and dad are always screaming at each other which is very difficult to live with.

 

I don’t get on with my dad’s side of the family because they don’t understand how cruel their son has been to me and my mum. They also don’t seem to care what we’ve gone through and how we’ve suffered because of his reactions to his illness.  

Helena describes how anxiety leaves her feeling 'depressed and disappointed' in herself.

As I had all my troubles with school and bullying I got more anxious and ended up feeling huge anxiety over just leaving the house as I felt when I went out people were staring at me because I was ugly, and that they wanted to insult me. I eventually became quite agoraphobic and didn’t want to walk down the street.

 

Symptoms of my anxiety are usually just the psychological feelings of panic, fear, wanting to run away etc. Physical symptoms have included; stomach problems and sickness. Mostly my anxiety leaves me feeling incredibly depressed and disappointed in myself.

School 'ordered' Helena to go to counselling which didn't help her. Later on, she found 'a...

As my problems were psychological and not physical the teachers and heads of year couldn’t understand what was wrong. In my school at that time there were no counselling services of any kind. I was ‘ordered’ (if I didn’t go it would be me refusing help) to see a counsellor out of school with my mum. She was a nice woman and really did try to help. The only problem was the main focus of each session seemed to be about getting me back into school, not the underlying issues. Also, I had to go with my mum and couldn’t talk freely on my own.

 

I left school with five GCSE’s and a huge amount of relief, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I’d like to say that once I left everything got better, but it didn’t. My experiences in school had made me so anxious, the real world frightened me. After leaving school I started counselling (I had to get there by taxi with my mum as I was scared of buses) which helped me considerably. Getting help for my problems was probably the best thing I’ve ever done. With the help of my brilliant counsellor slowly my confidence built up and I started living again by joining a young advisory group and going to short college courses. I found I was passionate about film and writing and enjoy meeting new people. I’m currently enrolled on an Access Course and plan to go to University next year to do a Creative Writing or Film degree.

Helena developed agoraphobia as a result of bullying at home and in school.

I was around fourteen when I feel the bullying got worse and started affecting my mental health. Most of the bullying was at home, from my dad, and on my street, by my so called friends. I did get nasty comments in school, people calling me ‘freak’ etc but it was worst at home. My dad would constantly put me down, and when I played out with my friends on the street I often got put down and called names, made fun of etc. It seemed everyone wanted to pick on me, probably because I couldn’t fight back.

 

As I had all my troubles with school and bullying I got more anxious and ended up feeling huge anxiety over just leaving the house as I felt when I went out people were staring at me because I was ugly, and that they wanted to insult me. I eventually became quite agoraphobic and didn’t want to walk down the street.

Helena says her experiences in school made her so anxious that 'the real world frightened me'.

Through years 8 and 9 I started missing a lot of school. This prompted threatening letters from heads of year and visits from the education welfare officer. My dad was getting worse in his abuse and arguments between my parents happened daily. The education welfare officer made everything much worse. She would visit and simply order me to school, blaming my mum for everything. She wouldn’t even talk to my dad even though he was the cause of a lot of my anxieties. She also started threatening my mum with prison. Could she not understand how that would only make things a thousand times worse? Thankfully my mum never ended up in prison.

 

Through my GCSE years of 10 and 11 I wasn’t really going to school. I had zero confidence and began to find it hard to leave the house, becoming quite agoraphobic. Because of the bullying from all sides I thought everyone wanted to hurt me in some way. Every time I didn’t go to school I was terrified of the education welfare officer coming round. I was stuck in my house where I felt safe but also scared. No one was giving me any support except my mum, who tried her best to understand my problems.

 

As my problems were psychological and not physical the teachers and heads of year couldn’t understand what was wrong. In my school at that time there were no counselling services of any kind. I was ‘ordered’ (if I didn’t go it would be me refusing help) to see a counsellor out of school with my mum. She was a nice woman and really did try to help. The only problem was the main focus of each session seemed to be about getting me back into school, not the underlying issues. Also, I had to go with my mum and couldn’t talk freely on my own.

 

I did most of my coursework for my GCSE’S at home and wasn’t allowed to be entered in for certain subjects. I was at one point placed in a special room for people with ‘behavioural problems’ where I was allowed to do my work without been surrounded by other pupils (I’d developed huge anxiety over even seeing anyone from my classes.) Looking back I felt I was only put there so they could say I was in school.

 

I left school with five GCSE’S and a huge amount of relief, I felt like an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I’d like to say that once I left everything got better, but it didn’t. My experiences in school had made me so anxious, the real world frightened me.

Helena says 'everything was stacked against' her. Problems in school contributed to her...

Through my GCSE years of 10 and 11 I wasn’t really going to school. I had zero confidence and began to find it hard to leave the house, becoming quite agoraphobic Because of the bullying from all sides I thought everyone wanted to hurt me in some way. Every time I didn’t go to school I was terrified of the education welfare officer coming round. I was stuck in my house where I felt safe but also scared. No one was giving me any support except my mum, who tried her best to understand my problems.

 

My first experience of depression was when I was having trouble in High School and the school were threatening my mum with prison and saying I would fail my exams etc. I was incredibly depressed and anxious, just about every day. I didn’t feel like doing anything or going anywhere. All I felt like doing was lying down or crying. I did also sometimes feel suicidal, but not to the extent that I think I would do anything about it as I had my mum who has helped me so much over the years and I love dearly.

 

Although I was depressed I managed to get on and do my coursework, nearly all of it from home. That is still something I’m proud of, because I feel everything was stacked against me.  

Helena tried medication for anxiety but says it couldn't 'magically solve everything'.

I didn’t really think I had irritable bowel and felt like if I did take the tablets everyone would just “expect” me to go back to school. I knew whether I took the tablets or not there would still be anxiety about school, there’d still be the same bullies and same issues at home with my abusive dad. Tablets wouldn’t take that away. I actually never took them; I pretended to a couple of times but never did. Maybe they could have done something, who knows. I definitely don’t think they’d have magically solved everything.

Helena's mum and uncle have helped her with getting to her appointments and school when she didn...

I’ve had loads of support from my mum, grandparents, and uncle. They’ve all been really patient with me, as I understand how difficult it must be trying to help someone who’s terrified of everything and scared to leave the house.

 

My uncle would drive me places, and to school, when I was scared to use public transport. My mum would be there to talk to about anything, and, when I did build up the confidence to use public transport she would travel with me, go with me places. She would even take days off work to help me get to my counselling sessions. When I was still at school my mum would ring the school and try and sort things out, get work sent home for me etc.