Interview 46
Partner was diagnosed with RA at 58 has had the disease for 11 years.
Partner' Environmentalist (retired), married with 1 adult son and 3 adult step children.
More about me...
Is worried for the future.
Is worried for the future.
Well, I'm anxious a lot I suppose. And I have great confidence in her ability to, you know, she's a fantastically strong character and she will, she will always do the kind of sensible thing and as long as she isn't going for sort of long walks and you don't where they are without, without the mobile phone, in case she had a fall and, you know, couldn't get back. But otherwise she's extremely capable.
Yet I do feel anxiety clearly about the fact that we have a large house and at some point if it got bad enough we'd have to sell this and move out and it would be an upheaval and an adjustment and things we'd rather, you know, we had thought subject to the disease we would much rather defer. I very much hope to die in this house.
But the, the anxiety about, about moving and about the possibility of, of her deterioration, the condition leading to, to a state of, as it were, really deep paralysis and, and deep dependency. I mean, she might be bed-ridden, for a decade you know and in great pain all that time and that would be an extremely unpleasant situation to have to deal with. But if that's the hand that fate deals us, well we'll just make the best of it.
Gives practical and emotional support but finds it distressing to see his wife in pain.
Gives practical and emotional support but finds it distressing to see his wife in pain.
Oh, well, I like think of course it flows from, from me to her Whether she'd agree I don't know but I reckon certainly, I put in, put in the hours, of, of reassurance and hugs and kisses and, 'I'll do that for you and you go and sit down and let me do the washing up,' and, and so on. So I, I do a fair bit. And friends and family have commented commented very favourably on that, in a superficial way. Of course it's not quite the same as as deep support such as taking responsibility for the whole family and making the big decisions
No, I think that, there, there is a slight shift, on, purely on the physical side obviously towards greater dependency on me. I mean, for some years now she hasn't been able to get, if I'm not there she can't have a bath. So, she just can't get out of it again and that kind of thing. So I, there are certain, certain things she relies on me to, to do and they won't get done if I'm not there. But very few actually. Otherwise she will, in my absence, do them still, but with increasing difficulty.
And, so how much do you, would you say you actually felt burdened by her condition?
Quite a bit. But primarily not, not by the, the actual imposition of my time of, of, you know, darting out for, to put things in the bottom oven or, or lift the kettle or something, which I don't mind doing at all frankly. It's dead easy.
I mean I don't find it very stressful, I just find, you know the situation is, I mean she's in pain and I, it's almost like attending, attending one's own child being born, except that, that has a happy outcome but to see somebody you love very much in great pain and you can't do anything about it is just quite distressing. So I feel distressed.
And how do you cope with that?
Well I, you get on with it. I mean, try and do the odd little thing to, to alleviate the pain and, and give her a hug and then frankly what else can you do? I mean she knows there's no, there's no cure in sight immediately so, so I get back to work at my computer, or something. Take the dog for a walk or [laughs].