HIV

She stayed on with me, she stayed with me for about six years all over, living with me… And then she was accusing my other girlfriend to be responsible also. She was saying, no she is the one responsible. 

So later we discovered that she was actually the one that was responsible. And how I came to know that, after she has left me, when my family came to join me, she's a friend to… she is the friend to the wife of my friend. So she revealed to the friend of my friend, to his or her own girlfriend, her own girlfriend as well. 

So anyway she revealed to her that she was in that situation, that she had the HIV… But she didn't tell them that she gave it to me because all along she has been denying that she's was responsible for this. So that was what happened… I feel very, very sad, in fact, I just… I don't think I can ever forgive that girl. I cannot. If I didn't know the person that caused this to me, that's a different thing. 

But I, when I know the person that caused it, I mean if I knew it's not just easy to forget about it, but, well, that is life. She has left my place, I'm on my own, I have my family, I am living well, living happily with my family. 

I have done a very stupid thing because, when I had sex, I really do like to do sex without the condom and he said no. Because his last boyfriend for ten years their relationship, have died of HIV. 

And he said, 'No, I don't want to.' I said, 'But why, because you are positive?' He said, 'No, I'm not positive. But I have been with someone that is positive for five, for six years. And I said to myself, never do sex without condom, and I don't want this to happen again.'

Then he asked me, it's very funny because he asked, 'What happened if you are, if you discovered that I was positive?'… So we didn't have sex without a condom, I stayed very upset about that. Then I go back to London I said, 'I will do some tests, to prove for you that I don't have nothing, and I want to have sex without condom.' And he said, he said, 'Whatever you do, I will not do sex without condom.' I said, 'OK, but I will do this test anyway.'

After two weeks I went to take the result… And I never remember, I never forget .. they said, 'Unfortunately, you are positive.' This, this was the kind of thing that the, the world is stopped. And I said… this guy that I wish I don't speak English, not learning or don't understand English, because I said, 'Excuse me, are you sure that this is my test?' I they said, 'Would you like see?' I said, 'Yeah, I would like to see.'

There… the world is stopping there. I didn't, you know, I didn't remember nothing. Everything that I knew about HIV it's disappeared. I just it is stopped. The whole world stopped. I just remember that I just was start to cry, cry, cry…

When I was with a person I thought had lots of girls, I would want to use condoms. But then again it was difficult because back there, and even here with black men I would say, when… they're not very keen on condoms at all and it's very difficult. They sort of talk you out of it, they're not like… they don't really, it's not like they force you to do it, but they sometimes talk you out of it. 

And you then feel… as a woman, it's very easy to start feeling that… cos you're with a man, you want to please him or satisfy him, so you just want to do what he really wants you know. So yeah, that I found difficult. And also the fact that I could… I mean they… My experience a few times I would say is when a black man doesn't want to use condoms and the woman will say… 

If I'm saying I want to use condoms, they can easily get, you know, spoil the mood and just turn off you know sort of… it's difficult. Their mood could change as in… you know, and then maybe they'll start complaining that you know, 'I'm OK, I'm fine so why are you using condoms…?' Cos again, they're also ignorant about the risk as well, yeah. 

I have found and I still find the most difficult thing… The mo- thing that I, I really find most difficult to deal with is not how I feel, it's how the other person would feel. So I'm having a long term relationship at the moment for… oh, it's been in fact 2 or 3 years. And that's very strong. 

But the, the thing I find the worst is the… kind of the sadness when they think about it. Or when I think about it. There's that kind of… Even though my doctor has told me that… He says, 'You're not going to die of this anymore. You know, you're going to die of a heart attack or be run over in the street.' It's that kind of… It's that… It is a, it is a rather… When I think about it, I find it, I find it rather sad. 

And I've found that issue I do dodge a little. The sadness of the HIV… I don't actually like seeing things on TV about HIV when I'm with my partner. It just makes me feel like oh my God, how can I… why did I… how did I become HIV? And how does it affect, you know, the person that I'm with? It's upsetting them. Because, you know, they're upset that I've got it.

Sometimes I am not interested in sex cos… I sometimes feel weaker, yeah. Sometimes I just feel, I don't know… maybe I'm just wasting her time because I just don't feel like enjoying it like the other days, the early days when I got involved, or the days when I was married. 

It's now very different. It's just something that I will… just trying to make myself… try to enjoy or to… to just fulfil the desire, but that sex is no longer enjoyable. 

Cos once, one, the person I am sleeping with, she always try to look whether the condom is, the condoms are OK. You see, so something like… if she cannot just tell you that she does not trust you, but you can see from the reaction. So obviously my reaction also, I have a feeling that no, no, I could have this thing more enjoyable, but I can't, just because of the status I have. 

But anyway… I always have different feelings. Anyway, as long as I am still alive, as long as I am having my treatment, I can live longer.