Interview 04
He was taking saquinavir, ritonavir, tenofovir, and ddI with few side effects. He was also taking Prozac for depression. He had an undetectable viral load. Counselling has helped him to cope.
A retired gay male who was diagnosed with HIV in 1989. His partner died of AIDS in the early 90s. He went through a 'mid-life crisis' more recently.
More about me...
Age at interview' 48
Age at diagnosis' 32
Sex' Male
Background' A retired gay male, former actor with an Irish background, who moved to London in his late teens. He was diagnosed with HIV in 1989.
Outline' A retired gay male, former actor with an Irish background, who moved to London in his late teens. He was diagnosed with HIV in 1989. His partner died of AIDS in the early 90s. He went through a mid-life crisis after the break-up of a more recent relationship, and has recently overcome his addiction to recreational drugs with the help of counselling. At the time of the interview he was taking saquinavir, ritonavir, tenofovir, and ddI. He was also taking Prozac for depression. He had few side effects with his medication, and was feeling better than he had for many years. Counselling has helped him to feel better about himself. He also uses diet, exercise and the avoidance of stress to promote his own health.
It was not until he talked to a psychiatrist that he could consider his drug use as anything other than normal.
It was not until he talked to a psychiatrist that he could consider his drug use as anything other than normal.
So I started to use drugs more than I had, and not just recreationally, but just for every day. And I was using Speed, and Cocaine just to get through the day. I had never used this before, and I was using it as an anti-depressant' You know to try and function, so stupidly then you know continued that. And friends were concerned they got very concerned because I wasn't acting in the right way, and I was acting badly you know. Just, just unreliable, irresponsible and so I then started to see' I was recommended to see a psychiatrist at [hospital] that was through my consultant and did. And I just changed all of a sudden. First of all I had to deal with the fact that I was taking the drugs, which I did. And they treated it as if I was an alcoholic. Which was brilliant because I can't understand' I thought yes, I am taking drugs but I am fine you know. I'm thinking well, you're not fine you idiot you know. You're just doing these drugs, why do you need to do this you know.
He found he had the strength to deal with life difficulties like the death of his partner.
He found he had the strength to deal with life difficulties like the death of his partner.
Describes what happened when he used recreational drugs to treat his depression.
Describes what happened when he used recreational drugs to treat his depression.
So I started to use drugs more than I had, and not just recreationally, but just for every day. And I was using Speed, and cocaine just to get through the day. I had never used this before, and I was using it as an antidepressant. You know to try and function, so stupidly then you know continued that. And friends were concerned they got very concerned because I wasn't acting in the right way, and I was acting badly you know. Just, just unreliable, irresponsible'
He wanted to go on working but his old career was very demanding. He is unsure what he could cope with now.
He wanted to go on working but his old career was very demanding. He is unsure what he could cope with now.
And you know health wise I am thinking well what have I got to do, here I am, I'm you know I am not working. I'm you know feeling better now with the medication. I don't know you know, it has its benefits in one way, but I couldn't go back and do the stage work. I wouldn't have' I can't do a show eight times a week. It is just too much, it is just too difficult, because some mornings I get up and is just you just you know, I may look fine now, but I have days when I don't want to get out of bed you know. What I mean is that's just the way it feels. But on the whole I feel good and it is fine but a lot of the' you don't know whether it's psychological thing you know. I had a lot of anxiety and depression but a lot of that was because I couldn't work, and I wanted to work, and you know, you just think well what' you know what do I do now? All of a sudden I have dealt with the fact that I was told I had two years to live, that is the way things were going. I got past that and 10, 15 years past that now.
He wants quality of life, not illness and dependency.
He wants quality of life, not illness and dependency.
Says that men who do not know their own HIV status and yet react badly to his HIV are behaving foolishly.
Says that men who do not know their own HIV status and yet react badly to his HIV are behaving foolishly.
And I thought long and hard about this because I was finding that I had had situations where people were acting in a strange way when I told them that I was HIV positive. And they didn't know their own status, and I thought well this' you know here I am taking the time-out, not only do I know my own status, I am also looking after myself and the other person, and they don't even know their status. And yet you tell them, they don't know their status, and they turn around and act as if you know they want to put rubber gloves on immediately, and yet they can be doing what ever to you.
I would always tell now. Because for my head I now don't care if the other person reacts in a way because they don't know their status, as far as I am concerned, they are an idiot anyway. Because if they are going to treat me in a specific way and they don't know their own status, then I don't want to waste my time with them anyway really you know, it is just pointless. So my philosophy is to tell people that you are HIV and I you know' because I don't want to be' I don't even want to have sex with that person if they don't want to know, then I don't want to know either.